Takes

Incoming college freshmen should break up with their long-term girlfriends

So I've been dating my girlfriend for around a year now. [Billy Football]: Okay, dumper. Break up. Pretty easy stuff.

Rugby is the best sport to lie about playing to pick up women

Clear answer, obvious rugby. Rugby does it. We pay money to each other and we buy equipment and beer. We have socials with other sports teams and we sing songs.

LeBron James is the actual General Manager of the Cleveland Cavaliers

It's funny because people do make the joke that LeBron James is the GM of the Cavaliers, but you can tell from some of the trades. Like the Channing Frye trade, you can tell which one's not a LeBron trade. It's like if you listen to a Beatles album, you're like, Ringo wrote that song. I can tell that's a Ringo special.

Phil Jackson is dangerously close to tarnishing his NBA legacy

Phil Jackson, I think we've said this on this podcast, but he is dangerously close to tarnishing your legacy territory... as himself. Phil Jackson, his legacy as an NBA guy, mind, player, coach, GM... You always remember the last thing you did, and if he trades Porzingis and continues to make the worst team in the NBA even worse, that's some legacy talk.

DJ Khaled is on the hot seat because he got booed off stage at a music festival

My hot seat is DJ Khaled... he went to a music festival tried to perform actual music and just got booed off the stage because I mean he's all his songs are just other people singing and him in the background.

Wikipedia is the greatest website of all time

My number one is Wikipedia. The best website of all time. I don't think I even need to explain it. We have a Wikipedia club.

The 2003 Yahoo Fantasy Football page was perfection

Michelangelo never created anything close to the perfection. That was on the 2003 Yahoo Fantasy Football homepage.

Jonathan Isaac is the Tyrus Thomas of the 2017 NBA Draft

If you're giving me that comp, it's probably Jonathan Isaac from Florida State. Because on the high side of things, when you watch him and it's good, he's seven feet... he can shoot from three... when he's right, it is so impressive that you're sitting there and you're going, wait a minute, how come this guy's not going number one?

The Chicago Bulls front office has no actual plan or internal communication

Some people will say that the Bulls are very secretive, but it turns out they're just actually not doing anything... there's actually no thought or conversation going on at the Bulls' facility right now. They couldn't leak anything if they wanted to.

Bulls fans think their front office are morons, but they have actually drafted well in stretches

I'm going to remove myself from some of this because I actually think there was a stretch where they drafted really, really well. And now all you Bulls fans are so mad that you think they're just morons from day one.

The U.S. Open course at Erin Hills was way too easy

The golf course lost. I expect more. I want to see the U.S. Open golf course. I want to see Jim Nance giving his tie to the course. Everyone was just hitting it right down the middle the whole time. Easiest golf course I've ever seen. So USGA, figure it out.

Ricky Fowler can't win a title wearing 'candy-ass' bright orange uniforms

We do have the theory that candy-ass uniforms can't win titles. So, are we a little nervous? He had that bright orange on Sunday. Maybe, like, I was just thinking, hey, is Ricky Fowler playing for the Dolphins? Because... This sucks.

Ricky Fowler should start wearing red on Sundays since Tiger Woods is no longer in contention

Tiger's not going to be in contention on Sundays anytime soon. Somebody needs to swoop in and grab the red over. Take those reds. I'm so dumb that I will root for any golfer that makes playing in red on Sundays his thing now. Because that's as close as we're going to get to cheering on Tiger again.

The ESPN Trade Machine is the most fun role-playing game in existence

The ESPN trade machine is back in a big way. I don't even know what the hell I'm doing on it. I'm just clicking on players' names, and when you get one that says, 'this trade is successful,' you feel like you've beaten a level in a video game. The trade machine is the most fun role-playing game that you'll ever play in your life.

Madison Square Garden is the best place to play in the NBA

My number one pick, my favorite city always to visit is New York. The Garden is one of the most fun places to play. Just the energy, even when they're not as good or even if they have more hype. It's always a good crowd, great city.

Phoenix is a sleeper NBA city with huge potential

Number two, kind of a sleeper city for me, is Phoenix. Young. It's a good time. Great weather always. I like to get in there a little early. Just take my claim, put them on the Mount Rushmore, and then when they do blow up, it's like, hey, I was here from the beginning.

Toronto is a premier NBA city because it is culturally diverse and a great tax city to play in

Number three, I'm going Toronto. North of the border. Toronto's great, culturally diverse country. Solid fans, great tax city to play in. Also Drake, you could be friends with Drake.

Boston is a top-four NBA city to visit and play in

I'll tell you, I went with Boston as number four. Great call. I think definitely half of me [loves it]. I mean, half of me loves it. The other half, it's hit and miss. It depends on who I run into.

Indianapolis is a top-tier walkable and 'scootable' sports city

I have never had a bad time in the city of Indianapolis. It's a very walkable city... I hate DUIs even more [than walking]. It's a very scootable city. If you have a scooter, it's easy to get around.

Homer Simpson is the greatest sitcom dad of all time because every man aspires to live like him

Number one, I have Homer Simpson. That's a no-brainer. We all grew up idolizing Homer. In fact, every man's life is spent getting to a place where he can just live his life like Homer Simpson. Every man's dream. How'd you know I wanted to always dress in a muumuu?

Frank Costanza belongs on the Mount Rushmore of TV dads

My number one, Frank Costanza. Yes, that's a good one. Classic, classic. Frank is definitely on my Mount Rushmore of TV dads. And he hates George.

Alan Thicke is a top-four sitcom dad because he launched Leonardo DiCaprio's career

My fourth and final pick: The late, great Alan Thicke, Growing Pains. Iconic, launched the career of the biggest movie star and the consummate stick man, Leonardo DiCaprio. Alan Thicke rounds off my top four of sitcom dads.

Kevin Durant should lean into the 'fart face' rumors to be relatable

The reason why people hate you [Kevin Durant] right now is that you joined a 73-win team to win a title. Give us something to make you relatable. Be the fart face guy. It actually humanizes him a little bit, doesn't it?

Number 56 makes a defensive end look the fastest on the field

I believe as a 32-year-old white defensive end, I would decide on picking the number that made me look the fastest. [Number 56].

Freshman should always get a roommate instead of a single

Got to get a roommate. The guy who gets the single, he's immediately judged like, oh, you're better than us. And it becomes a party room. You're a freak. The guy who has a single room, there's always questions. Freshman year, just get a roommate, deal with it.

If Conor McGregor beats Floyd Mayweather, boxing should just jump off a cliff

If McGregor wins, boxing should just jump off a cliff. This is the only time, at least that I can remember, that if one person wins in a matchup, he has the ability to defeat an entire sport. Just close an entire sport down.

The whole world would benefit from Conor McGregor beating Floyd Mayweather

The world needs McGregor to win. That would be the best. The whole world would benefit from McGregor winning.

Phil Mickelson shouldn't have taken a spot in the US Open if he wasn't committed to playing

I feel bad for all the kids and their families up there in Wisconsin that they get one chance a year to see their favorite golfer. And the dads probably buy tickets... And then big superstar decides to sit this one out. That doesn't happen in other sports.

Michael Jordan is the GOAT

Michael Jordan. The GOAT.

LeBron James is still fighting his inevitable baldness but will eventually have to give in

See, [LeBron] is fighting it. He's really still fighting it. Eventually, he'll come home, but he's putting up the good fight.

I would rather get attacked by a dog than fly on Spirit or Allegiant Air

Spirit and Allegiant Air, I would rather get attacked by a dog than fly on any one of those airlines.

I would rather move across the country to keep my current cable provider than move down the street and have to change it

I'd rather pick up all my stuff and move across country if I could keep my cable providers than move down the street if I had to change them.

Cell phone and cable companies are the best businesses because customers are ignorant but need the product

There are two businesses that you really should be in... the cell phone business and in the cable business. Because when you are in a business where the customers don't understand what it's all about, what the bills are all about, but they need it, what better business could that be?

The 'full sock overhaul' is a life-changing hack where you throw out all socks and buy 60 identical pairs

I did this a couple years ago. It changed my entire life... I called it a full sock overhaul. And I threw out all my socks, and I went and I bought the exact same pair of socks. I bought like 60 of them. So that way you can never actually lose one.

Elon Musk should stop trying to get to Mars and focus on giving us retina credit cards

Elon Musk, if you're listening to this and we know you are, quit trying to get to Mars, you fucking nerd. Just give us retina credit cards.

Draymond Green is an all-time classic heel

I'm a big fan of [Draymond Green]... all-time classic heel. He had a shirt that said Quickie in the Quicken Loans font... I need this feud, though, to keep going... because I think Draymond clearly gets under LeBron's skin.

Odell Beckham Jr. is actually a workmanlike professional who just goes about his business

I'm kind of on Odell's side here because those newspapers and all those media outlets have unfairly criticized him. He's just a guy who goes about his business, doesn't make things about him... Workmanlike. Punch in, punch out. So I'm on his side.

LaVar Ball is on a mission to sell the shittiest products for the highest prices possible

I think LaVar Ball is on a mission to sell the shittiest products for the highest prices possible. Yes, the least desirable products. It's actually a smart move of him, though, to limit the number that he could sell this time.

I would rather die than have my fiancée save my life with the Heimlich maneuver

I'd rather die. I'd rather die. You can't have someone just walking around being like, I saved your life.

LeBron James is still the best player in the NBA

I just want it on the record that I do still think LeBron is the best player in the NBA, but what Kevin Durant did in the finals was fantastic.

The 2017 Golden State Warriors are not the greatest team of all time

Are the Warriors one of the best teams in NBA history? Are they GOAT? Are they the GOAT? No, they're not. I think three-year stretch, they're up there. Only winning two out of three probably hurts them.

No 'perfect booties' on Instagram are safe now that LeBron James has ended his social media blackout

LeBron James is now back on Instagram and Twitter if ZeroDark30-23 is over, and that means no perfect booties are safe because he likes his perfect booties. He likes to like them.

Draymond Green is a poor man's LeBron James

Draymond is like a poor man's LeBron. Because Draymond is... a guy that can guard all five spots. A guy that can bring the ball up the court.

Shooting three-pointers is the least visually pleasing skill in basketball

When the Warriors' success up to this season was predicated on two guys who have mastered the one skill in basketball that, to me, is least pleasing, just from a visual perspective... Shooting threes.

LeBron James is the greatest basketball player of all time

I think LeBron's the greatest player ever. You disagree with that, and we can have that discussion as well if you'd like.

Replacing Deron Williams with Matthew Dellavedova would have won the Cavaliers the 2017 NBA Finals

If you replace Deron Williams with [Dellavedova] this postseason, do the Cavs win? Because I actually think that they might.

Wayne Gretzky is the best player ever, but Sidney Crosby is the best I've ever seen

Wayne is the best player ever. But, I mean, I think – I mean, obviously, Sid, in my eyes, just because I'm – I mean, I've seen him play, and I see him every day. I think, honestly, he's the best player that I've ever seen and been able to play with.

Steer clear of dating hardcore runners to avoid being forced into a miserable Saturday morning routine

You don't want to get in a relationship with a hardcore runner, because then you're going to be getting up at 6 a.m. on Saturdays. You always see those couples, and they're running, and they have matching outfits, and one of them looks absolutely miserable. One of them's like, I want to kill myself. That's the one that you're going to end up being, so just steer clear of runners.

If a woman has sex with a man once, he will be willing to have sex with her again at any point for the rest of his life

Basically, if you're a girl and you have sex with a guy, at any point for the rest of your life, if you're in the same room as him, you can be like, you want to fuck and he will want to fuck you.

Winning back-to-back Stanley Cups is basically cheating

I didn't know you could win back-to-back Stanley Cups, so that's kind of cheating in my mind. I hate the Blackhawks. We never knew that those rules existed.