Takes

John Scheyer will be successful because he knows how the Duke system operates

But I think he will, with the right boosters and connections and bag men, I think he will be very successful at Duke. So, and I think just having a guy who won a national title for Coach K be the guy who's now coaching, I think it's a fairly easy transition.

Brad Stevens is the right person to run the Celtics front office

If there's anyone that knows exactly what this Celtics roster needs to be and beat these teams that are on the next level, it is Brad Stevens. Obviously, Danny Ainge said that he was like, there's been moves that me and Brad didn't agree on, and now Brad has full control to do whatever he wants.

The Hawks will beat the Sixers in the second round because of Joel Embiid's injury

They don't have Joel Embiid because he can't stay fucking healthy ever. And they're going to get boat raced by the Hawks in the second round and not make the Eastern Conference Finals again. That's my opinion.

The NHL should suspend players for dirty hits but allow them back for one 'grudge' game

I think they should do this more often... suspend him for enough games where he can come back and then everyone can tune in to watch him have fights all night. I think the rule should be if you get suspended for a dirty hit in the playoffs, you should be forced to start the next game, skate one shift, and then after that point, your suspension begins.

It is harder to stay at the top than to reach it in professional sports

It's always easy to have the hunger before you get it... But then when you are successful, in our case, when an NBA championship, you know, you understand what it takes to be able to stay at that level. And it's not easy... Now you're not the hunter anymore. You're the hunted.

The San Antonio Spurs stadium was excruciatingly and miserably hot during the 2014 'AC Game'

It was excruciatingly hot... We went back into the gym and was like, oh, oh, my God. We start playing and it was miserable. It was miserable.

Anyone over the age of 25 must hire a mover

Over the age of 25, you should hire a mover. I agree. I am that mover in this case. Yeah. Well, are you hired? No. Okay. You need to get hired.

The pandemic has caused fans to lose their minds and forget how to behave in arenas

I do think the pandemic has fucked people up more than we realize. And people are just getting back into the real world and losing their fucking minds. Preseason. Yes, preseason. No one knows how to act right now. Give it a couple weeks. I do not think it's some huge epidemic where this is going to be the new norm that fans are just fucking with players constantly.

The media will soon claim that sports were better without fans in the building

I'm going to level it up. I'm going to say by the time you're hearing my voice, if it's in the afternoon tomorrow... somebody will have already written the take that sports were better when there were no fans in the building.

The Celtics will not win another game in their series against the Nets

[Jason Tatum] had 50, right? Yeah, that's fine... The starting lineup, it's one of those things where it doesn't matter. You could play those starting two lineups 100 times and the Celtics might win one. [Big Cat: 'Can we call it over?'] 100%. It's over.

Joel Embiid didn't hurt his knee; he actually hurt his back or tailbone

I don't think [Joel Embiid] hurt his knee. I think he hurt his ass slash back. He grabbed his back. He fell on his back. His back has been bothering him all year. He grabbed his back, but he also grabbed the back of his leg. This is Drew Brees' ribs all over again. Joel Embiid's back is hurt.

Tom Thibodeau's coaching style prevents teams from having an extra gear in the playoffs

Tom Thibodeau is a fantastic coach, and he will always get your team to overachieve and play to their max ability during the regular season. And then when you get to the postseason, there's no extra gear... he also played Julius Randle the most minutes of anyone in the NBA this year. It's always going to go like this when you do that with your star player who can't figure out a double team.

I'm predicting a vintage, dominant LeBron James performance in Game 5 against the Suns

I think we're going to get like a vintage, vintage LeBron just every single way... 38 [points], 12 [rebounds], 8 [assists]. It's going to be one of those stat lines where Nick Wright will be like, 'no player since Michael Jordan has ever done this in the playoffs.'

Luka Doncic is actually several years older than the Mavericks claim

I think Luka's older than we think he is... I think it's a Danny Almonte, Alfonso Soriano thing. I don't think Luka's 22 years old. I think Luka's probably 27, 28 years old. If you're a player that's not born in the United States and you come over, there's a lot of paperwork that can get either lost or changed very easily.

A no-show in a Game 7 is a worse way to lose than a late-game collapse

There's actually nothing worse than a no-show in game seven. Like, losing in game seven... I know that that's bad in 2013 when they lost the way they lost. I would contend that a no-show the way they lost tonight [Game 7 vs Canadiens] where you get a fucking goal with 30 seconds left to just have something on the score sheet, that hurts so much worse.

If the Cowboys don't win a Super Bowl in the next 20 years, they will become the NFL's version of the Toronto Maple Leafs

The Cowboys, I think, have the element of... They're one of the teams that you think of when you think of football. The Leafs are one of the teams you think of when you think of hockey. They have historical relevance, but it's all in the past... If the Cowboys, if we're sitting here 2045 and the Cowboys haven't gone back to a Super Bowl, they would be the Maple Leafs.

Tim Tebow was signed by Urban Meyer purely to act as a heat shield for Trevor Lawrence

I'm also just a huge fan of the narrative that [Urban Meyer] brought in Tebow just to take off heat off Trevor Lawrence... Tebow is just going to be too much of a natural leader and take all the heat, including from the players, off Trevor Lawrence.

I can beat any animal in a fight by snapping its windpipe

Show me an animal. I'll find its windpipe. I'll snap it in half... The kangaroo was a bitch. He was a spaz. He was just losing his mind. I put that thing in a fucking headlock and he's not going anywhere.

This is the week Aaron Rodgers finally gets traded by the Packers

I'm going to do this every week until it comes true. I'm going to predict that this is the week that Aaron Rodgers gets traded. Okay. So, and if it doesn't happen this week, I will do it next week and give me credit when that happens.

The US Men's National Team will qualify for a World Cup within the next 10 years

I have a feeling that all these building blocks that we've got in place, at some point in the next 10 years, the U.S. men's national team is going to qualify for World Cup.

The USA is officially the best soccer country in the world because Christian Pulisic won the Champions League

The best player in the world [Pulisic] played on the best team in the world... the best player on the best club team is American. Therefore, the USA is the best soccer country in the entire world.

Without Harambe getting shot, Pardon My Take might not exist

Without that fucking gorilla getting shot, I don't know if I'd be sitting next to you right now, Big Cat. One of the seminal moments of Pardon My Take — getting sued by ESPN, Adam Morrison's bunker, and then the summer of Harambe.

The ironic resurgence of Harambe is due for a comeback

I think we actually are getting close to having it [Harambe] be funny again. The resurgence. Because it was very funny for that summer. Then it was like very lame. But now enough time has passed where if you just drop a Harambe, it's like, oh, that's actually kind of funny. The ironic resurgence of Harambe is due.

The Lakers will win their series against the Suns

The Lakers are up 2-1. They're going to win this series. The Suns, I feel bad for them. I don't know how the Lakers don't come out of the West.

Jimmy Butler is not a top 15 player in the NBA

I've long said that Jimmy Butler is not a top 15 player in the NBA. He doesn't look at all like he did last year. I don't know what the difference is.

Nike's NBA jerseys are an abomination

What Nike has done with jerseys is an abomination. Whatever the Knicks were wearing was so fucking bad. It was like, it looked like if they made a movie set in the future and like New York City set in like 20, I don't know, 90, this is what the Knicks are wearing.

Home teams should always wear white in every sport

In any sport, one team should wear white... the home team should just wear white. Yes. That's it. And then the away team wears color. They can maybe switch it between a couple different colors. But the home team should always wear white.

The 'sports are better with fans' honeymoon phase will end by Thanksgiving

We're in a nice honeymoon phase where it is incredible to turn on a game and just be like, oh, my God, this is awesome... I think sometime around Thanksgiving, if you're still doing that, if you're still pointing out the extremely obvious sports are better with fans, you're late to it.

Bryson DeChambeau's U.S. Open win is a 'Mickey Mouse' major championship

Also Bryson, he has a Mickey Mouse U.S. Open. Can we admit that? Oh, here's something I'll just throw out there. It's a Mickey Mouse major championship. There are no fans.

Kawhi Leonard is not built to be a true 'alpha' leader on a team

Kawhi just can't – isn't built to be like the true alpha because he doesn't – you do at some point have to be the guy who like yells at your teammates and like, hey, go over here, do this, do that.

The Brooklyn Nets are the 'new' L.A. Clippers

I think the Nets are the new Clippers in that regard. They're obviously very good. They're super talented. They're the favorites to win it. But can it work? Do they have production after the first three guys? ... Is Kyrie nuts? And is James Harden a little too? Can those three personalities mesh? That's what the new Clippers are to me.

Coach K will do a farewell tour starting next season

Tate [Frazier] put it in my ear that Coach K is going to do a farewell tour this year... He definitely has sources. He has people that said there's a plan in place. He said it out loud, and I listened to him make the case, and I was like, that makes a ton of sense.

Old-school college basketball coaches like Jim Boeheim will retire soon due to the transfer portal

It wouldn't surprise me if all these old guys just do what [Roy Williams] did where they just like wake up one day and they're like I don't I don't want to do this this is this is insane i don't want to like get into i don't know how to log on to the transfer portal i don't want to do this.

Urban Meyer and LeBron James are the same person

Urban Meyer and LeBron were the same person. I was like, I'm going to use this to get what I need out of it. I'm going to use the state of Ohio. And then once I get what I need, I'm gone, and that's that. And I saw through it.

The Chicago Bears are a cheap, incompetent franchise run by accountants

The Bears are a cheap franchise... The McCaskeys, that's all their money is tied up in the Bears because it's the family heir... an accountant runs the fucking team and they do shit where it's like, all right, well, we'll keep this coach or, you know, we won't have as many scouts... they just want to basically sell 1985 memorabilia.

Ryan Pace and Matt Nagy keeping their jobs prevents the cycle of failure from breaking

So even if Justin Fields is good, then that means that Ryan Pace and Matt Nagy keep their jobs, which they're probably not very fit for their jobs. So then the cycle continues like that.

If Justin Fields fails in Chicago, it is the Bears' fault, not Ohio State's

If Justin Fields in Chicago does not work out, it is the Bears' fault. Do not blame this on Ohio State quarterbacks. Put that one in the Bears. Don't blame Justin Fields. That's all I'm asking.

Going to get wings is a lifestyle event that requires planning a week in advance

I do that typically like once every two weeks. I make a wing day... We're talking about wings like we have a gangbang scheduled for next weekend. Show up 7 o'clock sharp.

The Suns are in a 'must-win' situation in Game 2 despite leading the series 1-0

In a series that is a seven-game series and the Suns are up 1-0... it felt like a must-win for the Suns. I think that the Suns needed to win this game, and it feels like history is repeating itself [with LeBron].

The Lakers are unbeatable if Anthony Davis is making his three-pointers

Anthony Davis, if he doesn't make all those three-pointers, it's a much different game. You can't beat the Lakers if Anthony Davis is wet from three.

LeBron James intentionally lets opponents win Game 1 in early playoff rounds to give them false confidence

If it's in the first or second round, [LeBron] is like, I'm going to let them get a little confidence, maybe run their way out of the series tonight. Let them try too hard in Game 1.

It was bullshit that Kristaps Porzingis was fined $50,000 while LeBron James faced no penalty for a similar COVID protocol incident

it was bullshit that Porzingis got fined $50,000 for doing what LeBron did. [LeBron] has like figured out when to pick his spots in these games... but it was bullshit that Porzingis got fined.

Bill Gates needs to 'get hot' and lose weight now that he is single

if I were to be critical of Bill Gates, I would say, hey, dude, you're single now. You might want to get rid of the tits. If I was single tomorrow, I wouldn't eat for five months. I'm sorry, but Bill, you got to get hot. You got to get hot.

The Clippers must blow it all up if they lose their first-round series

You have to figure it out because you know what happens if they lose the series? You got to blow it all up. You got to trade Paul George. Everybody. Trade everyone.

The 2021 Brooklyn Nets are the greatest team ever assembled

The Nets look like the greatest team ever assembled tonight... Ever... No hyperbole.

The Nets will only lose if their stars have off-nights or are distracted by off-court issues

You have to hope that KD and Kyrie have off nights and that James Harden went out to a strip club... I was thinking I was like, you have to take James Harden out to the club. You have to get a Twitter troll to go after KD. And then you have to have like some type of fact or like, whoa, moment with Kyrie that he just spends the whole time being like, is the world flat or not?

The Brooklyn Nets might go undefeated on their way to the NBA Finals

I was wrong in the past. Nets might not lose a game going into the finals. I just don't see how it happens [that they lose].

It is better to interview bad athletes than great ones

It's honestly better interviewing players that were not very good at hockey than players that were great. And that goes for most sports too... Like, would you think about all the great athletes out there that have transitioned to being in the front office? They all stink at it.

The 'Brass Bonanza' is the greatest goal song in the history of sports

Brass Bonanza is the greatest goal song probably of all time. I would actually say it. They should honestly bring back the [Hartford] Whalers just for this song.

Bryson DeChambeau is going to get injured due to terrible lifting form

He's got bad form. He's going to get injured. Terrible form. I don't want him to get injured, but he's going to get injured. He was trying to do hammer curls... with 100 pounds just for the gram. He was using his shoulders. Popcorn muscles.