Takes

Alex Rodriguez and Jennifer Lopez will continue to 'break up' and get back together just so Alex can keep getting the engagement photo high

I think A-Rod realized that once you get the engagement photo, that's really the height of any relationship in 2021. When you post the Instagram of the ring, the proposal on the beach, it's all downhill after that... I feel like A-Rod's going to maybe take the ring back, and then he'll re-propose again. That works. In a couple months' time.

Pie is better than cake

One of my hottest takes, well, just facts in the interest of fairness, Pi is better than cake... Apple pie, blueberry pie, peach pie. Those are all better. Cheesecake is even a pie... if you take out ice cream cake, I think that that's easily, that's almost a blowout.

UC Santa Barbara will upset Creighton in the first round

I've got Santa Barbara over Creighton in the 12-5. [They have] an American Athletic Conference caliber roster at Santa Barbara. They've got high major transfers... I've got Santa Barbara over Creighton in the 12-5. That's spicy.

Oregon is the most under-seeded team in the 2021 NCAA tournament

The most under-seeded team in the 2021 NCAA tournament is Oregon... Dana Altman, the master of the Rubik's Cube... This team is more talented than its seed. I think they're a very difficult matchup for Iowa. I have a big Pac-12 breakthrough... I've got Oregon going to the second weekend.

UConn will beat Alabama in the second round behind their size and defensive prowess

I think Connecticut, if Connecticut can get to match up with Alabama, Connecticut has the size and the defensive prowess to slow down and give Alabama fits... I'm looking right there at that UConn team with the healthy James Bouknight... to be a dangerous matchup for Alabama. I like Texas against Connecticut in the Sweet 16.

Texas will make the Final Four behind a breakout performance from Jericho Sims

I am going to go with Shaka Smart 10 years after VCU gets to the Final Four, taking Texas to the Final Four. The guy that's blossomed the last week... has been Jericho Sims of Texas. He has completely went to a different level... If Jericho Sims can play three quarters as well as he did during the Big 12 tournament, Texas has an outstanding chance to go to a Final Four.

Texas Tech will beat Arkansas to reach the Elite Eight

I've got Texas Tech moving on... I'm going to go with a Baylor-Texas Tech situation in the Elite Eight. [I have] belief in Chris Beard. I've got belief in the culture of Texas Tech and they're built for the NCAA tournament.

Illinois will beat Gonzaga to win the 2021 National Championship

Illinois... They're the team I'm going to pick to win a national championship. I have Illinois beating Baylor and then beating Gonzaga. Gonzaga will get to 31-0 and then fall to Illinois.

Taysom Hill's $140 million contract extension is 'made up money' and a victory for his agent

This is Shefty's masterpiece of bowing down to the agents and tweeting whatever they ask him to tweet... I'd be mad that Shefty tweeted this... It says $140 million, all years voidable, and he has $12 million guaranteed. He signed a $140 million contract for $12 million.

The connection between Drew Brees and New Orleans is a unique player-city relationship that will never be replicated

I don't think we will ever see a player have a relationship with a city as unique and as deep as Drew Brees has with New Orleans. It's very rare for there to be that perfect set of events... what he did for that city and the pride that I think that city takes in Drew Brees... it goes beyond sports.

If Baker Mayfield wins a Super Bowl for Cleveland, he will be more beloved than LeBron James

What if Baker wins a Super Bowl for the Browns? I feel like that elevates him above LeBron because he never left. Baker never left.

The Patriots will run a Navy-style triple-option offense with Cam Newton to prove Bill Belichick is a genius

I have a feeling that they're just going to become like the Navy offense. Getting Trent Brown back and then being like, let's run with Cam Newton. I wouldn't be shocked if Belichick was like, I'm going to prove how much of a genius I am. We're bringing back the triple option. We're going to run the ball 60 times in the game.

Coach K is a mastermind for using a COVID withdrawal to protect Duke's winning streak

I think you at least have to respect Coach K for being one step ahead of our brains that try to simulate what Coach K will do... they have bowed out gracefully after winning their opening round game, the ACC tournament... maybe the streak is still intact because who knows? Maybe Duke would have gone on to win the ACC tournament. It's actually a brilliant move on Coach K's part.

Coach K's COVID withdrawal was a long con to bow out before being snubbed by the NCAA selection committee

I can say maybe this was a long con by Coach K to basically bow out of the season before the selection committee could not select Duke this Sunday... I respect COVID too much [to say it], but that might have happened.

Coach K is the Frank Underwood of college basketball

Coach K, he'll do anything. He's Frank Underwood of the college basketball world. He will do anything to make sure that the message is not, 'Hey, Duke wasn't going to make the tournament.' Let's all forget that they weren't going to make the tournament.

Syracuse has a 50-50 shot to make the NCAA tournament, but they will ultimately get in

I think it depends on how the bubble teams around them do... but gut says yes [they get in].

Uniform colors and alternate jerseys significantly impact game outcomes and betting

I need there to be an account that basically says, 'Here's what everyone's wearing today. Make your bets accordingly.' And I know that sounds stupid, but my retort would be, 'No, you're stupid if you think that uniform colors don't matter.'

College basketball teams should be forced to wear practice pennies or go 'skins' if they have a bad record

I think teams should start wearing uniforms based on their records. So if you're a really, really bad team, you should actually be wearing your practice pennies. You shouldn't even get to wear real uniforms... Northwestern should just wear — they should have to be in skins against Minnesota last night.

Russell Wilson is going to be a Chicago Bear

Russell Wilson is going to be a Chicago Bear, Big Cat... I think that if we're looking at the teams that Russell Wilson would hypothetically want to be traded to... the Bears are far and away the most likely destination... If I were to put money on it, I would say yes, he will be a Bear.

If Russell Wilson joins the Bears, he will immediately stop caring about football to become a global celebrity

Almost instantly, he's going to put out like a double album with Ciara. And like he's going to all he's going to care about is being a celebrity and not football. And he's going to instantly just lose all his football powers. I guarantee you that's what's going to happen.

The Texans will not trade Deshaun Watson this year and he will sit out the season

I've kind of become resigned to the fact that maybe they're not going to trade Deshaun, and Deshaun's just not going to play this year.

Bill Belichick is the only person who can convince Jack Easterby to trade Deshaun Watson

The second that that Russell Wilson put the New York Jets on his hypothetical list... something different is happening... Bill Belichick could exert influence and like do mind control shit on Jack Easterby. And he's probably the only person in the NFL that could convince him to change his mind and deal Deshaun [Watson]... if Bill agreed to finance a megachurch with Jack Easterby's name on it in Houston, Texas... I guarantee you Jack Easterby makes that deal right now.

Drew Brees will not retire and will try to come back for another season

I think he's going to try to come back. I really do... I think he got a little bit healthier in the offseason. And he's like, 'You know what? I could still throw 75% completion percentage five yards down the field.'

Disc golf is the number one sport in Finland

I believe disc golf is the number one sport in Finland. Yeah, so over there it's absolutely crazy... there'll be 5,000 people walking down the sides of the fairways. It's insane.

The disc golf ranking system should be abolished because it is too subjective

I would say the easiest answer is to get rid of ratings... in disc golf, everyone has a handicap, essentially. And that handicap is highly the most important thing... and it's also very subjective how you get your handicap... There needs to be an actual ranking system based off of how you finish in a tournament versus what your score was.

Marijuana will likely be permitted under future professional disc golf drug testing policies

I don't think marijuana is going to be on the list as a thing. I think they're going to allow it... no one would [play] disc golf [if it wasn't].

The Mets practicing a World Series celebration increases the value of players they will eventually trade

The guys that they will be selling have practiced potentially winning a World Series. So when they go to a team that's adding that last piece, the Mets have done all the prep work for you. So I like it.

Every major corporation needs a consultant specifically to identify if an idea will be mocked by the internet

It made me realize that I have job security no matter what in life in that every team and corporation should have on staff a person who essentially is just there to say, 'Hey, will we get made fun of for this?'... our, 'Will the internet make fun of you for this?' is absolutely a job we could do.

The defensive shift has ruined baseball

I'll do it. I'll say it. The shift has ruined baseball. Let's be fucking Peter Gammons on it for a second... The shift has ruined baseball.

Pardon My Take is in danger because Rex Chapman is starting a sports podcast

My fire fest is we're fucked boys and girls. Pardon My Take is fucked because Rex Chapman is doing his own sports podcast... I don't think that there's any chance that we can compete with Rex just saying like, 'We don't deserve dogs, brah.'

The first nice day of spring in the Northeast is equivalent to the feeling of taking Molly

Even though it is the first nice day of the year in the Northeast... some may say that the first nice day of the year is like taking Molly for those who have been shut in all winter.

Losing a three-leg moneyline parlay by one game is the worst way to lose in gambling

When you bet two out of three parlay and you hit money lines, like that's actually the worst way to lose of all time.

The United States is ending Daylight Savings Time permanently

The United States Senate is passing a bill saying that we're not going to do daylight savings time ever again. So your clocks stay where they are... It looks like we're not going to be changing our clocks this summer. Ever again. Ever again.

Dak Prescott's new contract is the best deal ever signed for a player

It's actually, like, maybe the best contract that's ever been signed [for a player]... $126 million out of the $160 million is guaranteed. And it's four years.

Ezekiel Elliott's contract is the Cowboys' biggest mistake, not Dak Prescott's

If you want to point to one thing they [the Cowboys] screwed up, it's probably Ezekiel Elliott's contract, right? Like Dak Prescott, that's the going rate for quarterbacks right now.

Dak Prescott is an MVP-caliber player because the Cowboys stunk without him

You could make the argument that Dak is an MVP guy because you saw what happened when he went out last year. And the team just stunk. Andy Dalton is probably an average backup. So Dak goes out, Andy comes in, the team just goes to absolute shit.

Dak Prescott is the 'best very good' quarterback in the NFL

If we're doing tiers, I would say that Dak is a great, very good quarterback. So he's like the best very good quarterback.

Dak Prescott is the best quarterback in the NFC East

As a Washington football team fan, I'm not super excited because he's definitely the best quarterback in the division. There I said it. I know that's controversial.

I would rather have Dak Prescott's 4-year deal than Patrick Mahomes' 10-year deal

I'd rather have Dak Prescott's deal than Patrick Mahomes... [Dak] if he's good for these next four years, can get paid a ton of money again when the salary cap goes back up... He basically is giving himself another shot at it.

Meyers Leonard's career is likely over after his anti-semitic slur on a live stream

It was actually crazy because you see it happen... No, dude, you just fucked yourself over. Like, Meyers Leonard will need 20 months to get the K-word out of his lingo because that definitely was effortless.

UConn is the 'popular pick' to win the Big East Tournament

I think the popular pick this week is going to be UConn in the Big East. They're the three seed. Villanova lost their best player, unfortunately, last week, Collin Gillespie.

Conference Championship Week is often better than the actual NCAA Tournament

I think Conference Championship Week oftentimes is better than the actual tournament. I like the tournament more because it's just everything about it, but there are more games on Thursday and Friday at Conference Tournament Week than there are in the tournament.

Alabama and Georgia use local banks to launder money to pay players

There's leaked audio of him [Rush Propst] basically snitching and saying exactly how much Georgia and Alabama are paying players. That Nick Saban's money guy is Bear Bryant Jr., who owns a bank in Alabama. And so whenever he needs money, he goes through Bear and that's how they like launder and like get the money to pay the players.

'Cocaine Bear' is a 'must-see' movie because it's based on a bear consuming 70 pounds of dropped cocaine

Just a movie, a must-see. I'm already slapping a must-see on it. Elizabeth Banks is to direct a bear-centric thriller, Cocaine Bear... The film is based on true events from 1985. A 175-pound bear accidentally consumed over 70 pounds of cocaine that was dropped from a plane by a smuggler.

The NFT bubble has not yet burst because Rob Gronkowski is entering the market

This is how you know that the bubble has not yet begun to burst. When Rob Gronkowski gets in as an early adopter, he's probably just selling his memories.

The NFL return of Kyle Long is a bad look for the Chicago Bears

Kyle Long will be returning to the NFL. Not to the Bears. But that's why they're on the hot seat, because he doesn't want to go back to them. I don't think it's a good or bad look. I think it's just the Bears.

Tom Wilson would have been suspended for a full year if he had hit Connor McDavid

If Tom Wilson would have done what he did to Connor McDavid, he probably would have got a full year sussy. I think it's getting to the place where they've got to really protect those guys.

The Buffalo Sabres are a 'broken organization' that needs to get worse to get better

It's just one of those organizations right now that seem a little bit cursed, and I would imagine that it's going to have to get a lot worse before it even gets better... They're a broken organization.

The NHL should adopt the 2-game baseball-style series format permanently

I 100% think they should adapt it, especially within teams of your own division... Why couldn't we just have banged out a back-to-back in Edmonton, saved ourselves the cost of fuel... I think they are going to adapt it moving forward.

The Toronto Maple Leafs will win the Stanley Cup this year

I truly believe with the pickups that they made and adding Joe Thornton's experience to maybe calm the young guys down... yes, I think that they're going to win the Stanley Cup.