Takes

Urban Meyer is executing a multi-step plan to return to coaching

Urban Meyer is on step two of the Urban Meyer, I'm going to go get another job. plan... Step one: say you're leaving... Step two: do media and realize you hate it... Step three: go back to coaching.

I don't wash anything below my neck in the shower

I don't wash anything below my neck.

The Raiders and Giants draft grades are an automatic F every year

You can pencil in the Raiders for an F every year. You can pencil in the Giants for an F every year. You can pencil in the Redskins usually for an A every year. And that usually works out pretty well for us.

Al Davis being dead is the only reason DK Metcalf wasn't a top-10 pick

By the way, credit to the entire NFL and the draft process for not picking DK Metcalf top 10, being like, hey, this guy's really good at running in a straight line. He's really jacked, but he can't do anything else that makes you a good receiver. And when I say credit to the NFL, I mean Al Davis is just dead.

The narrative that Josh Rosen is a bad teammate is complete bullshit

The whole Josh Rosen is a terrible teammate, terrible human being is like the biggest runaway narrative of all time. Josh Rosen is a little abrasive. He's a little arrogant. He thinks he's smart... Aaron Rodgers, kind of the same guy... I haven't seen, nobody from the Arizona Cardinals said anything bad about him, right? His teammates seem to really like him.

The Dolphins made a smart move by taking a risk on Josh Rosen

The Dolphins did something smart. Okay, if [Josh Rosen] is bad, you got a guy who's drafted 10th overall last year for a fucking third round pair, second round pick. It's worth a risk.

Ryan Pace is gambling the Bears' future by putting all his chips into the present

Ryan Pace is doing a big-time future Ryan Pace thing... He basically just keeps trading, putting all the chips into right now. We need our guys right now. In three years, future Ryan Pace is going to wake up if the Bears don't have a Super Bowl. There's going to be a big pile of shit on his doorstep, and I'm okay with it.

Al Horford will go into the Hall of Fame as the most overrated-underrated player

Al Horford is going to go in, like, I assume the Hall of Fame because everyone goes in the basketball Hall of Fame, as the most overrated, underrated guy. Because everyone's like, Al Horford's so underrated... Eventually, we're like, guys, we get it. He's just good.

The Celtics can beat the Bucks in the playoffs

I was wrong about the Celtics-Bucks series. I said there was no chance in hell that the Celtics make it a series. I'm going to jump off that take now... I'd like to say I think the Celtics can beat the Bucks.

The Warriors' biggest opponent this year is themselves

The Warriors every year, it's been like no one can beat the Warriors. This year, there finally is a team that can beat the Warriors, and it's the Warriors. So I'm excited to watch the Warriors try to beat the Warriors because this is what happens at the late dynasties... I truly think they all hate each other.

The Warriors-Rockets series is the worst officiating assignment in NBA history

This is the single worst series that the referees have ever had to deal with. I will not complain about a single call these refs make... because I can't think of a worse series. You have Chris Paul literally complaining about every play. James Harden is trying to trick the refs on every play. Steph flops like a motherfucker. Draymond is like, you don't know if he's going to punch a ref. KD, triple B.

The Vladimir Guerrero Jr. hype will get old by mid-season

MLB, I will say, they're kind of overdoing. Every time he does anything, they're like, Vladimir Guerrero, Vladimir Guerrero... I think halfway through the season, it's going to get a little old.

The Jeopardy buzzer is goosed to help James Holzhauer win

I think Jeopardy's probably goosing his buzzer speed because he's really, really quick on the thumb... I think the buzzer on the left is faster than the other ones because it's in the best interest of Jeopardy to have a dominant star. They need a king.

I would rather be a zombie than be canceled

We're going to all cancel each other until we're the army of the dead. And I'm okay with that. I'm on the record being fine with being a zombie army. You don't have a lot to worry about when you're literally dead.

The visiting clubhouse at Wrigley Field was extremely small and inconvenient

Same one. It's like this. Yeah, no. It's about this big. It really is like this wide... it wasn't just not good for the visiting team, the visiting clubhouse staff. Everybody that had to be in there, it was just making life difficult.

Aroldis Chapman is the toughest pitcher I have faced

[Aroldis] Chapman. [He's] throwing that 99 gas, 101. Left on left.

Clayton Richard is the toughest pitcher I have faced

Actually, Clayton Richard. [I] did not expect that. Yeah, did not expect that.

Theon Greyjoy's final charge at the Night King was the worst assassination attempt ever

That was the worst attempt at killing the Night King of all time. Bran was basically like, all right, Theon, you're done. See you later.

Daenerys Targaryen is a loser for not being able to fight for herself

You love this chick [Daenerys] that has been basically walking around saying, I'm the king, I'm the queen... and she can't even fight for herself. She just found that out. And her little dragons don't show up to the big event.

HBO failed the viewers by making the Battle of Winterfell too dark to see

I will stand and die on the hill that I still want to be able to watch the television show... I'm very happy that the White Walkers are dead because that was always my least favorite part of this show.

The White Walkers were my least favorite part of Game of Thrones

I'm very happy that the White Walkers are dead because that was always my least favorite part of this show. I like the human versus human shit. I like that stuff. I like houses and all that stuff. That's my jam. The White Walkers... I could never fully get into their whole thing.

Dan Snyder is the best talent evaluator in the history of the NFL

I don't do overreactions, but Dan Snyder is the best talent evaluator in the history of the National Football League.

Kyler Murray liking The Great Gatsby is the biggest red flag possible

Kyler Murray says that his favorite movie of all time is Great Gatsby. That is the biggest red flag we've ever seen. Also, I'm pretty sure Kyler Murray is the kind of guy that likes the Great Gatsby because he thinks Gatsby's cool as hell right? And he like throws these sick parties... He does the leo dance 15 years after it was cool. There was nothing cool about that book or that movie.

NFL teams should wait until a training camp injury occurs before trading Josh Rosen

They've got to wait until someone gets injured. A Teddy Bridgewater injury—we don't root for injuries, but that would be one to trade him. It's still going to be very awkward to have Josh Rosen and Kyler Murray in the same QB room if he somehow stays on the team for the next three months.

The Raiders' reach for Clelin Ferrell is a result of John Gruden not having any scouts in the room

John Gruden's his own man. And remember, they don't have any scouts in the room, so they probably didn't even have a mock draft in front of them.

The Giants drafted Daniel Jones to stop fans from asking when they'll draft Eli's successor, even though he'll suck

It was actually, when you think about it, a genius move by Dave Gettleman because what he did here was he drafted a guy who everyone, all the Giants fans, he'd be like, look, we drafted a guy top 10. We have our quarterback of the future. He's just going to suck. And we can keep Eli going, and people can stop saying, when are you going to get your quarterback in the future?

Daniel Jones is actually an unacknowledged member of the Manning family

I think there was some hanky-panky that went on, and Archie's got another kid running around by the name of Daniel Jones... Daniel Jones is the most fucking alias name I've ever heard. Absolutely. He is a Manning. He's Manning through and through.

The Jaguars defense will be dominant after drafting Josh Allen

Josh Allen. Seventh pick, Jaguars. Jaguars D is going to be so fucking good. I can't believe he fell to this.

Watching Steven Adams without sound is like listening to porn without images

Watching Steven Adams without sound is like listening to porn without the images. Well, it was kind of cool seeing him yell at him and point his finger, but I needed the sound to really get me there.

This is the final year of the Golden State Warriors dynasty

This is the end of the Warriors. Like this is their last run. They either win the title this year and go off as three in a row, all that shit, or they lose and everyone goes their other way and hates each other.

The end of the Warriors dynasty is officially here

This is the end of the Warriors. Like this is their last run. They either win the title this year and go off as three in a row, all that shit, or they lose and everyone goes their other way and hates each other.

April has the worst weather of any month because of its inconsistency

April has the worst weather of any month... Because you can't fucking plan for it. It's cold. It's still the winter. Then it's hot. Then it's cold again. Then it rains... I would rather at least know January's going to suck no matter what.

NFL draft picks cannot be accurately graded until three or four years after they happen

I always like the draft grades that are going to come out on Monday. Teams are going to get A's and B's and C's and D's... but they don't circle back three or four years after. Because that's when you really grade the draft.

Quarterbacks being the most important piece of a franchise is the most obvious 'Harvard' study ever

Harvard. 38 years of data suggests the quarterback is the most important piece of an NFL franchise. OK, I'll just watch football for 38 years and come up with the conclusion that quarterbacks are important. Way to go, Harvard.

Nick Saban has a legitimate problem because he can't handle sitting at home for six hours

Saban added that the six hours he was at home on Tuesday with nothing to do was like torture. I don't know how people do it. It's the off season. Six hours. Nick Saban didn't do anything and he couldn't bear it. You might have a problem Nick Saban.

Duke players only chose the school for the degree, not because of illegal payments

So essentially Marvin Bagley and Zion Williamson were on the open market to be bought, but all of a sudden no one was able to buy them except for—oh, Duke. I figured it out, though... they decided to go for the diploma, a long-term investment, as opposed to a quick infusion of cash.

The Night King is bypassing the Battle of Winterfell to attack King's Landing

The most common theory that people sent us... is that the Night King is on his way to King's Landing, like pulling a little hezy hay. He's going to King's Landing while the rest of the army of the dead fight it out at Winterfell.

Bran Stark is an annoying character who ruins every scene he is in

Bran, I hope that fuck gets skull fucked in the middle of the field because he's so awkward. It's the guy in the wheelchair. I know Lieutenant Bran. He's so annoying. He ruins every scene.

The Game of Thrones series finale will end with everyone turning into happy zombies

Everything else is fine. All right. That's the M. Night Shyamalan twist... Everybody just turns into a zombie and they're happy forever. They can't go in water, so you at least have that.

Dwayne Haskins will end up being drafted by the Washington Redskins

I think [Dwayne] Haskins is going to end up as a Redskins. That's what I'm planting my flag and saying.

Kyler Murray will be the #1 overall pick in the 2019 NFL Draft

Kyler Murray is going to be number one... I think that Kyler Murray is going to be Cardinal.

Dwayne Haskins will be a Cincinnati Bengal

I think Dwayne Haskins is going to be a Cincinnati Bengal.

Daniel Jones will rise up draft boards because of his physical profile and David Cutcliffe connection

Daniel Jones, because he's 6'2", 220, and White will end up going all the way up the draft. Maybe even the Giants will be like, hey, let's just get this guy because David Cutcliffe, and we can keep him in check, and Eli [Manning] can be the quarterback for the next six years.

The Seahawks are making a smart move trading Frank Clark to reset with young talent

I love this move for both sides... The Seahawks did a sneaky thing here where they're getting more picks and they're like, hey, we just paid Russell Wilson a lot of money... This is how smart organizations do it. Like, hey, we paid the quarterback a lot. Why don't we, instead of paying other guys a lot, just get a shitload of young talent and pay them a little and be good and be the Seahawks again.

The Bucks are a wagon and will roll through the Celtics in the NBA Playoffs

But I think the Bucks, they're a wagon. They're going to roll through the Celtics.

The Capitals are definitely going to beat the Carolina Hurricanes in Game 7

I'm very confident the Carolina tropical storms are about to be in deep depression, and I'm not worried at all. ... No matter what happens in Game 7, we're getting a handshake line, so there's that to look forward to.

Duke will have the #1 recruiting class and Matthew Hurt will be their next star white player people hate

Number one recruiting class. They got Vernon Carey Jr. And everyone likes to root against the white guy that's a high recruit at Duke. Matthew Hurt is the guy. Have you seen pictures of this kid? ... Duke's back.

Ant-Man will either defeat Thanos by crawling up his butt or Thanos will be defeated by logic and reason from reporter Clark Kent

Either Ant-Man's going to crawl up in [Thanos's] butt and expand, like we said on the show, or he's going to get defeated using logic and reason by fact-checking super reporter Clark Kent. Those are my two predictions for the end of The Avengers.

Robbie Gould will quit football if he isn't traded back to the Chicago Bears

Robbie Gould, I think, is demanding—I think he's essentially demanding that he will quit football if he doesn't get to be a Bear again. ... I'm all for it when it helps the Bears especially with how bad they the Bears have three kickers right now on their roster.

Odell Beckham Jr. is genuinely happy to be in Cleveland and away from Eli Manning

Odell Beckham Jr. because he wants everyone to listen he is totally happy in Cleveland... Odell Beckham is probably just happy he's away from Eli Manning. He truly actually is happy that he doesn't have to play with Eli Manning anymore.