Takes

The Chicago Cubs will win the World Series in four or five games

I got to go Cubs. I think it's going to be Cubs too. I think it's going to be four or five games.

The Cleveland Indians will win the World Series and celebrate at Wrigley Field

Man, how heartbreaking would that be if the Indians won in Wrigley Field, huh? And you guys had to watch him celebrate there? God, I hope that doesn't happen. No Cubs, no.

I'm pro-bandwagon; the more the merrier for the Chicago Cubs fan base

The more the merrier. Let them all on. As spokesperson for the Chicago Cubs, Big Cat has just opened up the bandwagon for everybody. Hop on.

I like coaches like Mike Zimmer who tell their offensive linemen they are the specific reason the team lost

I like a coach like that. Most coaches will say, you know, we got to look at the tape. We got to fix what's wrong. Nope. Offensive lineman, you fucking sucked. And I'm going to let you know you are the reason why we lost the game.

NFL coaches only work out to prevent stress-induced heart attacks, not to get in shape

A very football guy move, they're not working out to get in shape. They're just working out so they don't have a heart attack. It's purely to stop the heart attack. Get through the day. Yes. Stress heart attack. Everyone knows you cure a stress heart attack by going on the elliptical for 45 minutes.

The best way to treat a concussion is 'hair of the dog'—getting another minor brain injury to help you get back out there

It goes along my theory. It's kind of the hair of the dog theory. You know how if you're hungover, best thing you can do, have another drink when you wake up. If you get a concussion, best thing to do is give yourself another small minor brain injury to help you just get back out there.

The Cubs will win the World Series in seven games

I'm going to say Cubs in seven. The Indians are tougher than you think, man. They're pretty good. The tough thing with the Indians is if they get a lead on you with Shaw and then obviously Miller can go two innings and Cody Allen. So basically if they get through five innings with a lead, you're in bad shape.

Trevor Bauer's teammates are likely talking behind his back about his drone injury

I think they're more mad than they would lead on. Like they would probably say, Hey man, nothing, no big deal, but then you get the guys behind closed doors that are probably talking a lot of shit about him.

Kyle Schwarber can successfully return and hit home runs in the World Series after six months off

If anybody can do it, it would be [Schwarber] to step back, just to step up after a year off or not even a year, like six months off and be able to hit bombs. It would be him. He will not overthink it. That's impossible.

Clayton Kershaw gets too much hate; people focus on his last bad game and ignore that he pitched on short rest

I get a little defensive. [Kershaw] is like my son. It's like I get defensive when people get on him. I mean, the guy did—he herniated his disc. He came back short rest. He pitched three out of the five games in the first series. He dealt the first game, and then he had a bad last game, and that's all people hang on to.

Chicago will have more arrests than Cleveland if their team wins the World Series

I kind of want to go to Chicago just to see what it would be like. I mean, that's going to be fucking nuts up there. I think Chicago will—we'll take the crown and arrest, probably.

Ryan Fitzpatrick's best PR move is having Geno Smith as his backup

I think he has the best PR 101 built in already, and his backup is Geno Smith. So the second they see the alternative, they're like, okay, Ryan, we forgive you for everything.

October 22nd is the most significant date in Chicago Cubs history

October 22nd, 2016, the Cubs clinched the NLCS. October 22nd, 2011, the Cubs hired Theo Epstein. October 22nd, 1970, the man behind the Billy Goat curse died. October 22nd is a big-time sabermetrics date in Cubs history now.

The 2016 WNBA season was destined to be Candace Parker's year

If you follow the WNBA, you knew this was Candace Parker's season. The Los Angeles Sparks are your WNBA champions.

The Minnesota Lynx are an 'odd-year' dynasty

Are the Lynx still considered a dynasty, or was this their dynasty year because they won in 2011? 13, 15, people forget, odd year Lynx.

The Cubs bats woke up because they started playing 'small ball' like Mike Scioscia

I think that the Cubs won because they finally listened to me and started playing some small ball. It's called foreplay, and Joe Maddon finally figured out you've got to get to first before you get to home plate. And instead of hitting home runs, they finally learned to build a rally with some bunts, some stolen bases. I call it socialism for Mike Scioscia.

There will definitely be a Game 7 in the Cubs-Dodgers NLCS

There's going to be game seven. That's all I'm saying. I want the Cubs to win. I'm on record, but there's going to be game seven.

Russell Wilson becoming a father will ruin the Seahawks' season

I feel like the pressure of becoming a new father might turn the Seahawks season around for the worse. [Russell Wilson] was firing off... firing on all cylinders.

White is the combination of every single color

white is a combination of every single color out there so they [the Packers] actually had the most colorful uniforms people didn't realize that

Matt Barkley only has an NFL job because he is 6'3" and looks good in shorts

Matt Barkley is still in the nfl proving my theory that if you're like six three played at a big time college and look good in shorts someone will give you a job

Mixing together every color of paint will result in the color white.

If we got a bunch of paints of every color and we put it together... It'd probably come out as white. No, it'd be absolutely white.

NFL Week 7 of 2016 is an 'Apple Picking Weekend' for fans with significant others

The slate, by the way, is so bad... This is an apple-picking weekend. If you have a significant other, if you have a girlfriend, if you have a boyfriend, it's 2016, if you have a wife, whatever you got... This is when you say, 'hey honey, I was thinking maybe we could go to the farm and get some cider donuts and do some apple picking.' Boom. You missed the worst slate. That's apple picking.

Cleveland and Milwaukee are equal as cities

I mean, they're pretty similar, like smaller cities, easy to get around, no traffic, which I like. Power rank them? They're like equal. Equal right now. 1A, 1B.

Team Australia went into the 2016 Olympics believing they could beat Team USA

I think we went in believing we could beat them [Team USA]. And I think we showed that, you know, we had the opportunities to. And we're a team that had played together for a lot of years. And I think that counts for something.

Individual defense is a myth in the NBA; everyone is entirely dependent on team defense and big men doing their jobs.

I don't think anyone can guard anybody one-on-one in the league. It's a team defense thing... And if your big men aren't doing their job, you look bad. But if they do their job, you look good.

LeBron James is indestructible

I think he's [LeBron James] indestructible. No one's indestructible. I think LeBron is indestructible.

Mississippi State will beat Kentucky 31-28

Mississippi State 31, Kentucky 28.

Dez Bryant did not actually cut his finger making soup

I have a feeling he wasn't making soup. I have a feeling he cut his finger doing something else. Are we staying woke on this one? This seems a little sus, as Hank would say.

The sun is on the Hot Seat because its glare could cause the Bills to lose

Miami Dolphins to beat the Bills this weekend because she [USA Today podcast host's mom] doesn't think that the Bills are going to be able to handle the glare of the Miami sun. It's a fair point. Developing situation. Let's keep an eye on it... The sun is on the hot seat right now, so this could really be it.

Squirrel tail circumference predicts the length of winter

You look at the squirrel's tail, the circumference of a squirrel's tail will tell you how long the winter's going to be... That's a little farmer's almanac trick for you.

JJ Watt is actually dead and has been replaced by a clone to cover up his social media absence.

I think J.J. Watt's dead... I think when he comes back, that's not J.J. Watt. That's going to be a clone that they've replaced him with. J.J. Watt... could not stay off social media for this long.

Stephen Hawking is the biggest fraud in the world and a government propaganda myth who was replaced by a clone years ago.

You once called Stephen Hawking, quote, the biggest fraud in the world. Yes, correct. I just believe that Stephen Hawking is a myth perpetuated by the government. Stephen Hawking died many years ago, but the government needed to keep up his... His propaganda so they just put a replacement Stephen Hawking in that chair.

The Cubs are not dead

The Cubs are not dead. We're not panicking. But they did get the shit kicked out of them by the Dodgers in L.A. Not much else to say. Rich Hill was fantastic. You just got to wait for the bats to come alive.

Joe Maddon belongs in the American League

Two things about Joe Maddon. Number one, he's obviously an American League manager... he clearly belongs in the AL.

Joe Maddon needs to get rid of his thick-framed glasses because players won't play hard for a nerd

Number two, I think it might be time to change the glasses. You can't... You've never seen a champion with thick frames like that before. It was cute at first, Joe. We get it. Get rid of the glasses, and then I think... Players won't play hard if their manager's a nerd.

The Cubs should bench Addison Russell and Jason Heyward for the rest of the NLCS

The Cubs just need to hit, and I think they probably need to put some guys – they need to have Addison Russell sit on the bench. They need Jason Heyward to stay on the bench. They need to put some guys out there, give them a shot. [Jorge] Soler, [Willson] Contreras, I don't know.

Small ball wins in the playoffs

Cubs were a tremendous – they are a tremendous power-hitting team. Are they not? Small ball wins in the playoffs. Bunt, steal bases. Bunt, repeat. Contact, repent, repeat.

Mike Brown is the ultimate hot seat guy and a sacrificial lamb for the Warriors

Mike Brown's the ultimate hot seat guy. And I actually like this move by the Warriors, by Steve Kerr. Got to have a hot seat guy around. So if Kevin Durant starts to falter, if this team, this super team doesn't do so well, Mike Brown's going to be the first to go. Also, Mike Brown is a sacrificial lamb. He stumbles out of bed every morning on the hot seat.

The Cleveland Indians can play with 'house money' for the next decade because they won a title in 2016

The [Indians] are in the championship series. So as far as Cleveland goes, the whole city could just go to shit even more for the next six to 12 years, and they're still playing with house money at this point. They've had as much success this year as they could expect to have for the next decade.

UConn football doesn't move the needle

UConn football, I don't give a fuck about. I'll just be honest about that. UConn football doesn't move the needle here.

A 'football guy' is someone who enjoys lighting up a cigar and watching the game at home

To me, I'm a football guy, and I enjoy watching it. I enjoy lighting up a cigar and watching it in my house or my condominium. That's what I enjoy doing.

I would not bench Brian Hoyer for Jay Cutler if Hoyer is playing well

It would be very hard for me to make a switch... I'm not against Jay [Cutler]. I'm saying when you've got a guy playing his... if he wasn't playing well, I'd say, okay. People say, well, he's just a journeyman. Well, maybe he found... maybe this is the end of the journey. Maybe he found home.

Aaron Rodgers is the best quarterback in football along with Tom Brady

What about Aaron Rodgers? No, he's the best. Nothing wrong with him? No, he's the best. He doesn't have the weapons, guys. Come on, he does not have the weapons around him... if you're asking me if there's one quarterback in the league, I think he's the best quarterback in football right now. Him and Brady.

Ronald Reagan was the 'real deal' as a President because he stood up for what was right

Ronald Reagan was the real deal, guys. I don't care what party you are, Republican, Democrat, Independent, Ronald Reagan was the real deal. And he stood up for what was right. None of the BS.

I did not fart on the air during ESPN Sunday Countdown

It wasn't me. Not at all. It wasn't me, absolutely. I would take blame if it was me, because that was a doozy. But I don't think, and everybody looked at me, but I don't think, I don't even think it was anybody passed gas. I think it was a chair, somebody moved in the chair.

Aaron Rodgers is currently playing the worst football of his career

He's playing so poorly right now. Packer fans definitely don't want to hear it, but he is playing the worst ball he's played in his career, and it's pretty much everything that's failing him. Everything. His footwork, his mechanics, his ability to not look at the rush, pre-reads, post-reads, everything.

Aaron Rodgers has a case of 'the yips' and is turning down open looks for bigger plays

I think it's a case of the yips. And I think you look at things where he's turning down open looks trying to find a bigger play, and then things break down and he rushes outside the pocket, and he used to make big plays doing that, and those big plays have dried up.

Aaron Rodgers is a nerd

Well, we know he's a nerd. Princess Bride is his favorite movie. Name me a nerd that won the Super Bowl.

The shelf life for an NFL coach in one spot is about ten years

Mike McCarthy in general, hey, man, he's been here 10 years. And Bill Walsh always said, you know, you're in the same place for 10 years. That's kind of your shelf life as an NFL coach. So, I don't know. Maybe his message is getting stale.

The Packers will barely beat the Bears in an ugly, low-scoring game on Thursday Night Football

It's going to be ugly. It's going to be low scoring. I do think the Packers win, but just barely. A lot of punts. John Fox, I feel like he's going to do that thing where he just runs the ball a bunch and punts. It's going to be ugly.