Takes

Curt Schilling loses his man card for needing his wife's permission to run for Senate

Curt Schilling said today that he is running for the U.S. Senate. He's made his decision. He's going to run, but he hasn't talked to his wife yet. And, yeah, he has to ask her permission... Man card on Curt. Hand over your man card.

Bill Belichick will be fined or suspended for bashing the NFL's Microsoft Surface tablets

So could this be like another tablet? Could this be hashtag tablet gate to could Roger Goodell suspend Bill Belichick? I'm calling it right now. Belichick will be fined, possibly suspended.

We have officially run JJ Watt off the internet

How long has it been since J.J. Watt tweeted? 20 days. 20 days since J.J. Watt has tweeted. We have officially run him off the internet.

Dak Prescott has to stay as the starting quarterback of the Dallas Cowboys

Dak Prescott has to stay as the starting quarterback of the Dallas Cowboys. Tony Romo waits in the wings, but is reminded yet again that Dak lives matter in the Big D. Cowboys button up the Packers like a creepy cardigan 30-16.

The Carolina Panthers' season is over

The Carolina Panthers season is over. They make a batch of bathtub Ted Ginn Jr. and the Panthers season continues to tank array.

The Falcons will finish the season with a record no better than 9-7

Matt Ryan, I think he's okay. I think he's a career okay guy. I think that he's going to find his level soon. Falcons are going to go no better than 9-7.

The Jaguars-Bears game was legitimately one of the worst NFL games ever played

Legitimately one of the worst games I've ever seen. No, it really did [take the fun out of football]. Watching it, I was like, I don't even know why I like this sport.

Limp Bizkit is the most famous band from Jacksonville because they have more longevity than Lynyrd Skynyrd

We also were judging on longevity, and Limp Bizkit has Lynyrd Skynyrd beat by a long shot. Limp Bizkit did it for longer. That counts.

Jeff Fisher intentionally loses games once he gets above .500 because he is a try-hard for mediocrity

Jeff Fisher... He lost, but he's back at .500. So that's the classic Jeff Fisher. It just felt like such a try-hard move by him. And you know that the second he goes 3-1, he takes his foot off the pedal so hard. He's like, 'hey, guys, we need to get back to even here.'

Fat people messing up in sports is the funniest thing in the world

Counterpoint: Pablo Sandoval swinging, busting his belt open. That was the funniest thing I've ever seen in my whole life. Buffalo's definitely a judgment-free zone. It's like we're just having fun.

The Cubs are going to win the World Series

When I wake up on Monday morning, I will get back to being confident about this Cubs team. Right now, Cubs are going to win the World Series.

I do believe in ghosts

I do believe in ghosts. I think if you're nice to ghosts, they'll be kind of your ally. If you're mean to them... well, I think Hitler would be a mean ghost.

Harry Caray would beat Vin Scully in a fight because he couldn't feel pain

[Harry Caray wins in a fight against Vin Scully]. Harry Caray. Couldn't feel pain. Too drunk... Well, you know, I'm not going to be the one to say that.

I will probably retire from broadcasting in about 15 years

Vince Scully is in his 67th and final year here. Subtract about 30 years from that. And then, yeah, so we're like in the upper 30s... I may just go do something else.

Kris Bryant is an underrated base runner and is actually elite at it despite his lack of speed

Kris Bryant, underrated base runner. People say that. He may not be fast, but he's a hell of a base runner. So say that.

Clayton Kershaw doesn't have the clutch gene

Kershaw doesn't have the clutch gene. Make sure you mention that when he pitches. But did he, 12 innings pitched, 8 in runs? Was that really clutch?

I wash my apples before eating them if they have a sticker on them

If there's a sticker on it, I feel like there should be some washing involved. But if I see an apple in a random tray and I'm hungry and there's no water, I'll lick it and then I'll bite it.

When Ben Roethlisberger tries to play through injury, he actually ends up hurting the Steelers

Ben's a tough motherfucker. But at the end of the day, he always hurts his team. He was awful today. He threw two interceptions. He was 19 for 34, and they lost to the Dolphins.

Odell Beckham Jr. has officially matured because he proposed to a kicking net

Thoughts and prayers to Odell Beckham's immaturity because he's clearly grown up now. He's just a tremendous young man... because he learned his lesson. The lesson was stop making it about you and having all these antics. And so he did that by proposing to the net that he beat up a couple weeks ago.

The Dodgers are a weaker team than the Nationals

The Dodgers are coming to Wrigley Field. I do think the Dodgers are a weaker of the two teams. Slash, I didn't want to see Daniel Murphy again.

I want the Cubs to keep winning just to keep Big Cat in a state of 'happiness edging' without winning the World Series

I want the Cubs to keep winning. I don't want the Cubs to win the World Series, but it's not because I want to see you in pain. I like it when you're this happy. I just want it to keep extending and extending. But I just don't want to see you ever reach that goal. You need to edge for about nine more months until spring training.

Mike McCoy is the most generic-looking white dude who probably goes to Jimmy Buffett concerts

Mike McCoy is the most generic-ass looking white dude. He's a guy that your dad plays golf with... McCoy just looks like a guy that spends too much time in the sun and has eight Salt Life shirts and goes to a Jimmy Buffett concert every fall, and that's his one vacation for the kids.

The Patriots will kill the Bengals in Week 6

I have the Patriots. Larry didn't pick that, but I think they're going to kill the Bengals.

Limp Bizkit is the most famous thing to come out of Jacksonville

I mean, [Limp Bizkit] are by far the most famous thing to come out of Jacksonville for sure, right?

I will get a Wikipedia Club tattoo if we all get one

If we all get one, I'm 100% in. [Maybe this weekend in Chicago] I agree. Oh, let's do it. All right. We talked ourselves. God damn it.

'Big Fawcett' started the myth about washing apples to sell more water

I think this is where the whole myth of why you need to wash your apples got started... [poisoned candy myths]. I think this is where Big Fawcett really sunk their teeth into the situation, tried to convince people to wash them.

As a GM, I'm not drafting any player who takes only one piece of candy from a 'please take one' bowl; you want someone who takes the whole thing

As a GM, I'm not drafting anybody who takes one and walks out. [I'm taking the whole thing immediately]. That's a winner's mentality. Take what they give you.

If you hand out fruit for Halloween instead of candy, you deserve to have something thrown at your house

There was a big phase that people in my neighborhood went through for some reason about giving out fruit. Like trying to change the generation of what they eat. And it was like, if you gave us fruit, you were getting something thrown at you.

Ken Bone should immediately cash in and do a 'Prego porn' video

Ken is definitely going to get some propositions from a porn company to be like, hey... do you want to do some Prego porn? And you got to do it. Cash in. Just got to cash in.

Ken Bone is a plant for the coal industry

Ken Bone, his employer — one of the biggest coal plants in America. And also a coal company that is opposed to climate change... regulations... So I don't know where these dots lead to, but it seems like a plant to me. Coal plant.

Auston Matthews' 4-goal debut is suspicious and requires a 'witch hunt'

Auston Matthews... He had three goals on his first three shots in the NHL. He actually had four goals on the night in his debut... Hmm. Interesting. Maybe a frozen envelope. I'm just saying maybe these bullies just, hey, yo, we'll let [Auston] score. Hmm. Interesting.

Kevin Durant is a 'big fucking baby'

Kevin Durant is a big fucking baby. And what did he say? He said that there was a lot of selfish guys on the Thunder... implying that the Thunder are selfish.

Kevin Durant and Russell Westbrook kind of deserved each other, and it's sad to see them separated

I think Westbrook and Durant kind of deserved each other. And I'm sad that they're going to be separated because those two together, it was great TV.

Wi-Fi signals should be stronger on planes because you're closer to space

Wi-Fi come from signals in space, right? Yes. So how come if you're in the plane, shouldn't the signal be stronger in the air? I agree. Yeah, no, that's a good point.

Wi-Fi and data signals will give us all weird diseases and cancer in 30 years

One thing I do know about Wi-Fi is that all of us are going to get really weird forms of diseases and cancer in about 30 years from just hanging out next to all this data just passing through our systems.

You don't actually have to pay campus parking tickets if you don't plan on graduating from that college

I know one thing about colleges and tickets on cars... You don't have to pay those tickets. It doesn't matter. If you don't plan on graduating from that college, you don't have to pay.

Work parties suck and nothing good can come from them

Work parties fucking suck. Can I just say that? Work parties suck. There's nothing good that can come from a work party. Everyone's like, oh, yeah, holiday party. Someone's going to get drunk. Someone's going to puke. Someone's going to be embarrassed. Someone might lose their job.

Even-year bullshit is dead now that the Giants have been eliminated

Welcome to Pardon My Take. It is Wednesday, October 12th. And even-year bullshit is dead... Let me tell you something about even-year bullshit. It's bullshit.

The Giants' bullpen was destined to blow up eventually

The Giants blew a record amount of saves this year. Their bullpen was shaky all year. They were going to blow up at some point.

I am 85% confident the Cubs will win the 2016 World Series

I'm like for overall World Series... 85% [confident].

Chocolate milk is the #1 non-alcoholic drink

Number one, non-alcoholic drinks, chocolate milk. Shout out to the nut boys.

Arizona Green Tea is the #1 non-alcoholic drink

My power rank for, number one, Arizona, the Great Buy Green Tea. The 99 cent, the big tall boy.

Cherry Coke is the #1 non-alcoholic drink

I know where I'm starting. Cherry Coke. Oh, yeah. That's good. Can't believe that one wasn't taken.

Tonic water is straight garbage

The number one worst non-alcoholic drink. It's tonic water. Tonic water is straight garbage. If I see anybody drinking that in my presence, it makes me want to hurl.

Buccaneers GM Jason Licht is on the hot seat for drafting a kicker in the second round

I guess now my hot seat is going to be Jason Licht, the GM for the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, for drafting a kicker in the second round. Kind of a tough move on his part.

The Indians logo is back on the hot seat because the team is actually winning

Hot seat, Indians logo. They're going to be in the ALCS, and that means the Indians logo is going to be on the hot seat again... If you stay bad, no one cares that your logo is offensive.

Dak Prescott might have won the Cowboys' starting job for good

Dak Prescott might have won that job. And if Tony Romo doesn't play, he doesn't get injured.

NFL players must use a patellar tendon graft to successfully return from an ACL injury

If you want to keep playing... You know you've got to do the patella. No, no, no. That's part of your knee... And that's the best way. I'm continuing playing, and I'm excited about next year.

Double Stuf Oreos are the only real 'regular' Oreos

Double Stuf are legitimate regular Oreos. Old school Oreos are definitely diet Oreos. These thin Oreos that people are trying to say are already diet Oreos? No. Those just aren't real.

Philip Rivers is one of the most underrated players in the NFL

Philip Rivers is, I would say, one of the... I think he's one of the more underrated players with what he can do. He's a pretty amazing quarterback.