Takes

I was a better basketball player than Ray Allen

Ray Allen... I'm not saying Ray wasn't great but... I'm a basketball player. I wasn't one dimensional. I just didn't shoot, I just didn't play defense. I did everything. So I look at myself as different than a lot of these guys that were one dimensional... I just felt like I was a better player.

Joey Chestnut's ban from the Nathan's contest is a sign of the late stages of the American empire

Joey Chestnut has been banned from the Nathan's hot dog eating competition on July 4th in America is at its knees. It's the end of it. It feels like the late stages of an empire. This is the sign.

Joey Chestnut should be a billionaire

What does Joey Chestnut, what does Jeff Bezos do better than Joey Chestnut? Not a lot. What does Elon Musk do better than Joey Chestnut? Like, I want Joey Chestnut to be so rich that he can do whatever he wants.

Kyrie Irving has gotten too mature and needs to 'get weird' to break his slump

Somebody needs to like snap Kyrie [Irving] out of this. 'Cause we've been talking, we've been glazing Kyrie a lot, these playoffs talking about how mature he is gotten... Has Kyrie gotten too mature? Yeah. Is a question we should be asking. I want to hear like the Kyrie hatred for Boston.

Jayson Tatum was 'terrified' to shoot in Game 2

Jayson Tatum just needs to play horrible. That's all I care about. The biggest He sucks. You guys were sucking his dick. He sucked tonight. I mean, he didn't suck. He's terrified. He was terrified to shoot the ball tonight. He's shooting his spin back. It is weird. He had open looks at the rim and then he would just pass out every time.

Coach K is using his role as a Lakers consultant to force Dan Hurley out of college basketball

Coach K did all of this... Coach K sees Dan Hurley win his second national title back to back. He looks around, he says, look, there's a lot of, a lot of guys in, in college basketball that will never reach where I'm at. They won't be the old school. Tough style Like Dan Hurley. He's a throwback. He's a relic. I gotta figure out a way to make sure that Dan Hurley doesn't surpass me as the goat... He's getting Dan Hurley to go to the Lakers. So Dan Hurley can't take everything from John Scheyer and Duke and Coach K and all his legacy and stuff.

Aaron Rodgers will prove he is the number one quarterback in the NFL this year

Rogers will prove that he's the number one quarterback this year. Patrick Mahomes never beat him in the playoffs.

Kyrie Irving is one of the most skilled yet disappointing players in NBA history

When people start coming at you with like, he's the most talented player of all time, it's like, okay, so then you're admitting that he's one of the most disappointing players ever... for multiple seasons that the guy looked like he didn't really even care about playing basketball anymore.

Jalen Brunson is a better player than Jayson Tatum and would never lose an NBA Finals

Jalen Brunson. Say what you want about he would never lose in the finals. Yep. Yep. Yes. He will not lose in the [finals].

Joel Embiid is no longer a top-five NBA player

That fifth spot is not reserved for Embiid for me anymore in the way that it was prior to this season. I mean, at some point man, at some point... I'm sick of seeing playoff games where I need him to figure out a way to unlock the possession and get him into his stuff on his own in a way that I don't think he's capable of doing the way other guys are.

Major League Baseball should get rid of all stats from the pre-integration era

I actually think you should just get rid of all old stats pre-integration because that was ma the major league stats are also tainted. You kept out because you kept out some of the best players. You've deliberately kept them out. You shouldn't be able to count those as those the like the number one stats.

The 'Uncrustable Diet' is the perfect way to get in shape for age 40

I'm trying a new diet that I think I invented, which is strictly Uncrustables. ... My meal plan is, I eat four Uncrustables a day. ... I think that the Uncrustable is probably the perfect snack. The perfect meal, the perfect everything.

Luka Doncic and Kyrie Irving are the best offensive backcourt of all time

Kyrie and Luka, the best offensive backcourt of all time. And people laughed at [Kenny the Jet Smith] and then they played three games and they're like, maybe he's not that far off.

Caleb Williams lost all his swag the minute he put on a Bears uniform

The minute Caleb Williams put on the Bears uniform and they had him running around as a quarterback, he lost all his swag. He's gotta figure out how to overcome the Bears quarterback uniform. People were tweeting about it like 'this guy's got no swag anymore.' I kind of agree.

Scotty Scheffler was set up to be arrested by the PGA to boost TV ratings

I have reasons to believe that Scotty was set up to be arrested. If you look at the PGA numbers the day before it was extremely down... They paid a cop to tell Scotty the wrong information. The police department knew what time he'd be coming in and what car he would be in. I believe it was set up for large number of views the next couple days.

Connor McDavid 'can't win the big one' until he proves otherwise

Has Conor McDavid [won a title]? I think we won. No, he has not. Okay. Alright. So there, the discussion... we have to, as our job say, he can't win the big one... He won the big one and now he's the guy that can win the big one.

Stephen A. Smith could score five buckets on LeBron James in a one-on-one game to 100

I'm going to say that Stephen A. I think Stephen A. could score five buckets on [LeBron]... Because I think that LeBron would, he'd just, he'd get tired. There's no load management in the game to 100 one-on-one.

NBA players would win the World Cup for the US in four months if they switched to soccer

If the Bucks decided that they wanted to be the US men's national team in soccer, we'd win a World Cup. No problem. Pick any sport. They'd be our best soccer player without a doubt. Give them four months.

Bronny James would not be drafted or at the combine if his name wasn't Bronny James

I do agree with you because it's just a simple question. Would Bronny James be at the combine and be drafted if his name wasn't Bronny James? The answer's no.

I will strap a bomb to my chest if Aaron Rodgers has another season-ending injury in Week 1

If Aaron Rodgers gets another season ending injury [against the 49ers], I'm gonna strap a bomb to my chest and go to the NFL office and blow up.

Rory McIlroy will get a performance boost from his recent divorce filing

Rory McElroy divorce bump. ... Rory's just gonna go to Cleveland. He, he's either trying to go to Cleveland or it was smart. What? You said you might be trying to go to Boston. ... Girls are looking at him, I'm gonna be, I'm a champion baby.

Secretariat's records are fraudulent and he likely used steroids

Secretariat had 663 children... Guess how many of his kids won a Triple Crown race? The answer is zero... every mile time has gradually gotten better over the years except horse racing... He also lost a bunch of races... they had an excuse ready after every single loss... he had horse herpes and they blamed his loss on that... The more you look into Secretariat, the more it stinks to high heaven.

Every hobby a man has is designed primarily to attract women

It's from Ed Latimore, former professional boxer... All of your hobbies and ambitions are to attract women. Nature doesn't care how much personal fulfillment you get from them. Those things are cool, but they're coincidental positive externality to the Prime objective to keep the species going. Every hobby that you have is designed to attract women.

LeBron James should retire immediately to protect his 'GOAT' legacy

I wish [LeBron James] would retire because at this point I'm looking at it, what else is it for LeBron to accomplish? He have nothing else to accomplish... every single season that you don't win, then you give more animosity or more arguments to come at you about the GOAT debate... his legacy now is measured on the GOAT conversation and the firing of Darvin Ham does not look good on him.

The Celtics should intentionally lose two games to the Cavaliers to get battle-tested for the finals

I stand by my take. I still think they should intentionally lose some games to the Cavs... I think two. That way when they get to the Finals they're like, yeah, we've had our battles.

Professional golfers should never miss a putt from 10 feet or closer

Golfers should be better at putting. That's something like if you're a professional golfer, you should just never miss a putt anything 10 feet and in. Should never be missed. Ever. But that's just me.

Tyrese Maxey is better than Jaylen Brown

I mean, Tyrese Maxey is better than Jaylen Brown for sure. Ooh, for sure. [Hank] would trade Jaylen Brown for Tyrese Maxey immediately.

The Bucks' 2021 championship was a fluke

Some people could argue that the Bucks Championship was a fluke because it was off the bubble and all the teams that had to play a long season deep into the next year got bounced and the Nets got injured and beating Chris Paul isn't that impressive.

Taylor Swift should give up half her money to men to help the Chiefs win championships.

Basically what we're saying is that Taylor Swift should give up half of her money to men. Is that too much to ask? No, I thought we were about equality. Equality matters 50%. And if she, if she was a true Chiefs fan, she would be like, 'Hey Travis, take the league minimum and let's go win another championship.' Rings... it sounds like she's only about her personal engagement ring, not a Super Bowl ring.

Nikola Jokic is already a top 15 player of all time.

Nikola Jokic to me is already a top 15 player of all time. And I know that that's maybe a hot take. I don't really care.

Joel Embiid is having a better series than Jalen Brunson

Joel Embiid is scoring 35 points a game. 45% from the field and a plus 34 when he's on the court... Jalen Brunson is scoring 33 points a game 40% from the field and is a minus three when he's on the court. And the difference that people are talking about Jalen Brunson and Joel Embiid is absolutely insane.

Michael Penix Jr. to the Falcons is a baffling move that makes zero sense

The Atlanta Falcons who, if you remember, signed Kirk Cousins to $180 million deal what like a month and a half ago, selected Michael Penix Jr. with the eighth pick... It makes zero sense to do it. Now if he's a great quarterback, cool. I hope it pans out. But like when he, is he gonna start? Is he gonna sit for two years? Why you such a high pick for this? It, it just, you could've probably gotten him in the second round.

Caleb Williams is the Ben Simmons of the NFL

I've been thinking about Caleb Williams. There's, there's a player that he reminds me of. Little bit of a diva off the court. Really big into the fashion life, the pop star life. A can't miss prospect. ... Ben Simmons. Ben Simmons was the next LeBron. ... Ben Simmons was a can't miss prospect. ... Both teams missed the [college] playoffs... Think about Ben Simmons.

Devin Booker is a worse player when he wears a headband

I also have a vibe stat for this game. And it has nothing—it's based on absolutely nothing. I'm sure someone will actually give me the stats and say I'm wrong. I don't think Devin Booker's good when he wears a headband. I just don't. I don't know why... I think maybe his head is too constricted.

The Capitals would have won Game 1 if they could remove any three minutes of play

If you take out like three minutes in the second period, we actually tied this game. One. One. ... If you take out that 10 seconds and the two and a half minutes in the second period, the caps actually won. This game one nothing in a series where nobody thought that we could come within three goals of beating the Rangers.

If Scottie Scheffler doesn't win at least five Green Jackets, his career is a bust

Scotty's just, he's, he's only 27 years old. How over under, what would be a disappointment in terms of total major? Yeah. If he doesn't win five green jackets. I think his career was a bust. Yeah. I'd say he got two right now at 27. I think he has to get to 10 majors.

OJ Simpson is in heaven because they needed a great running back

I got into a little tiff with Jose Canseco online... because when OJ died, I said, RIP to OJ Simpson. Heaven just got a great running back. Jose Canseco was like, wait a second. OJ's not in heaven.

Hitchhiking should be brought back because it was generally safe

Bring back hitchhiking. Hitchhiking was safe. I feel like hitchhiking got a bad rap because there were a couple serial killers out there. Almost 100% of hitchhikers ended without a serial killer encounter.

Caitlin Clark is a bust because she can't win the big one

Are we sure Caitlin Clark is actually good. Ooh Bust can't win the can't win the big one.

I will pay for John Fisher's hair restoration if he appears on the podcast

John Fisher because you're a bald fuck. Big Cat will pay for your hair restoration for one appearance on Pardon My Take. Because he is bald. Take it. You bald bitch.

Tiger Woods was better at golf when he was 'dirtier' and having more sex

Tiger was at his best when... the grip of his putter smelled like absolute shit from his hands. Perkins waitresses. The dirtier Tiger was the better golf. Yeah. When he was getting it in the hole. Now he's gonna not do, maybe he just can't have sex 'cause he like, he can't walk.

I am officially over no-hitters

I'm so over no hitters. Remember when no hitters used to be like you, they'd even go to bonus coverage... I became over no hitters at right at opening Day 2023.

Babe Ruth would stink if he played in the MLB today

If you had Babe Ruth playing baseball today right now, he would stink... I think if you gave Babe Ruth this guy with immense physical talent, the ability to adjust, then he would be a really good baseball player. But if you took 1927 Babe Ruth and dropped him into the big leagues today, he'd be down in AAA.

Flacco the Owl was a slut

Even though I don't, I I I'll still stand with my take that Flacco the owl was a slut. Big time slut. I guess the pigeon herpes might've been because he was eating pigeons. ... I'm sticking with full on slut shaming a flacco. You were a slut. That's how you got the herpes.

Caleb Williams having a pink phone and pink nails is cool and mascuine

Speaking of Caleb Williams, he's got a cool pink phone... He was at the USC game last night. He has a pink phone. Got people really upset. I say maybe think differently. He's so advanced. He knows that pink phones are cool... I've always said pink phones are the most masculine thing you can do.

I would trade the rights to Jay Wright for John Calipari to coach Villanova.

I do have a, a trade in place for the rights to Jay Wright for John Calipari. Well, yeah. 'Cause he is not gonna come back. So I'll give up the rights to get [Calipari].

Anyone who says Zach Edey is not good at basketball is a moron.

Anyone who says Zach Edey's not good at basketball is a fucking moron. The guy's good at basketball, especially college basketball. I don't want whatever happens to the NBA happens to the NBA... Anyone who says he is not good at basketball, he is just tall, is being a hater.

Boeing whistleblower John Barnett did not commit suicide

There was a whistleblower... John Barnett... His body was found the morning of three nine dead. He was allegedly from suicide even though he told his family, if I die, it's not suicide. He was suicided.

Selection committees are bullshit and fans could do a better job

I'm convinced that all of these committees can be the job of the committees can be done better by like 75% of the fans... Just anyone who's been paying attention. I, I know for a fact I know college basketball guys who are way more informed about college basketball and who's good and who's bad than this stupid committee.

The Penguins faked the bobblehead truck hijacking because they forgot to order them

I don't think the bobbleheads existed. I think maybe I, I think that maybe there were no bobbleheads and the Penguins were like, fuck it's bobblehead night. We forgot to order these things... It's Jussie Smollett. It's Jussie Smollett bobblehead night. And they're like, well we don't have, oh yeah, the cops, we called the cops. They're looking into it right now.