Takes

Simone Biles is such a great athlete that she could probably dunk on a regulation 10-foot rim

Our gymnastics team dominated again. Simone Biles is the GOAT... I think KD even said that she thinks, he thinks that Simone Biles could take an Alley-OOP, like she could dunk on a 10 foot rim.

Imane Khelif should be allowed to compete in women's boxing despite the testosterone controversy

From my limited reading, she was born a female and identify as a female. Just because she has some extra testosterone doesn't mean she shouldn't be fighting other females.

I used to think that if you dug a deep enough hole in the ground, you would eventually reach China

If you dug deep enough you could reach China. I honestly thought that I could... every kid and I I was probably is is that wrong? ... I looked this up a couple months ago. It's actually embarrassing how shallow the deepest hole ever dug is.

I used to think that kissing was the same thing as having sex

Kissing equals sex... that I thought for a long time. That's a really good one. That's how you thought babies were made... whether you say sex or go, they're kissing. I was like, oh, they're naked kissing... because you would watch a movie and they would [kiss] and then whatever.

I used to think that jumping at the last second in a falling elevator would save your life

If you're an elevator and it falls and you jump at the end, you survive... I just looked it up. It's not true. It's not true. You would die.

TV reruns are actually actors performing the exact same script live for a second time

I used to think that when you'd watch a rerun of a show on TV, that it was an all new taping of the exact same script... I thought that like, I'd be watching Saved by the Bell... They're doing the same song, but they're just taping it again for us.

I used to think my testicles were made of Play-Doh and that eating actual Play-Doh would make them grow bigger

I thought my balls, my testicles were Play-Doh. So when my parents told me don't eat Play-Doh, I thought they were trying to be like, Hey don't eat Play-Doh because your balls will just get bigger because it will just go right to your balls... You just don't know what they are when you're a little kid and you start touching 'em, you're like, this is weird. I'm like, oh, it must be Play-Doh.

I used to believe that all adults were smart and understood exactly what was going on

I honestly used to think that every adult was smart. I thought if you were grown up, you knew what was going on. And then you grow up and you're like, we're all dumb. No, we're all really fucking dumb. I was probably smarter when I was a kid than I am now.

Chocolate milk comes from brown cows

I thought chocolate milk came from brown cows... I was up north driving past a brown cow and I pointed to my cousin, I said, you know, chocolate milk comes from those things.

Paul Walter Hauser should play Andy Reid in a movie about the coach's life

One [project] would be him [Paul Walter Hauser] playing Andy Reid in the Andy Reid story. I think he'd crush that.

The Celtics will win the 2024 NBA Championship because they are the deepest team

My prediction is... I think we're the best team left. I think we're the deepest team and if we can stay injury free... I feel like we really should win this thing.

The 'Dynasty' documentary was a slanted propaganda piece designed to get Robert Kraft more credit

It was basically Robert Kraft being like, I need more credit for everything that's happened... they slanted it so hard against Belichick that everyone who has watched the Patriots the last 20 years was like, this is not how it happened. I think it actually hurt him.

The 'Dynasty' documentary was an accurate, high-quality sports film that did not manipulate viewers

I haven't talked to a lot of people that are like, I don't know, like, I think we got manipulated a little bit... it was so well done. It's like a hundred percent rotten tomatoes watching it... I think it leaves people with the impression that that is how it was.

Aaron Rodgers will get injured again and then run for Vice President

He's probably gonna get injured again... He's gonna get injured and then he is gonna run for vice president and he's gonna become vice president of the United States.

Caleb Williams is going to be incredible for the Bears despite his eccentric personality

He's gonna be incredible. He's eccentric. He's cool. Paints his fingernails. That's not a problem. Right? I don't see why that would be a problem. No, I'm just wondering... if you get Peyton Manning or do you get Mitch Trubisky.

Being a Patriots fan before Robert Kraft bought the team was a certain kind of hell

Being a Patriots fan was a certain kind of hell... and maybe this is why we have a different perspective on the Robert Kraft thing. Until Robert Kraft bought the team, it was brutal going out to Foxboro to watch them play. It was brutal watching 'em play on TV. It was heartbreaking constantly.

The Mount Rushmore of Boston athletes is Bill Russell, Tom Brady, David Ortiz, and Bobby Orr

So I would probably go Tom, Poppy, Bobby Orr, Bill Russell. That's a strong four. ... I think a lot of people would say Ted Williams. ... [But] how do you not put Bill Russell on that Mount Rushmore? You never see that again.

I would have made more money than any actor in history if I had accepted the lead in 'Avatar'

I had a chance to be in Avatar... I probably would've made more money than any actor in history had I taken the part... It was 10% of the total earnings from the film... All I know is it made over 3 billion.

The Academy Awards should be voted on 20 years after the movies come out to accurately gauge which ones truly lasted

The real best way to do it is to do the awards like 20 years after the movies come out. ... There's no spin, there's no, it's like I still watch that movie. I still love that movie. That was the best movie of 2004. It would be a more accurate gauge of whether a movie really works.

The rat at the end of 'The Departed' symbolizes the main character's past and the social ladder he was trying to climb

The writer had in the script... the idea of me, of me kind of climbing the social ladder. And now I find myself in this old brownstone, but there's still a rat that you, that rat comes across and it's, it's his past. It's the thing... it's meant to symbolize all that stuff.

I would rather buy new clothes than walk through a spider-infested hallway to do laundry

I have to share that laundry room with three other units... there's spiders all the way up and down the wall... I'm afraid to go down there... So I bought new clothes, bought just essential stuff.

Patrick Mahomes has already reached 100% of Troy Aikman's Super Bowl success

Patrick Mahomes has thrown 36% of Troy Aikman's career touchdowns in about 8% of the games. And Troy Aikman quote, tweet that in 2019 and said, 'talk to me when he has 33% of my Super Bowl titles,' he [Mahomes] now has a hundred percent of his Super Bowl titles.

Dan Orlovsky’s claim that Mac Jones was the best rookie QB ever is the Take of the Year

Dan Orlovsky incredible saying he believes Belichick will win another Super Bowl with Mac Jones at QB. Mac Jones is the best rookie QB that I have ever seen since doing this job when it comes to knowing where to go with the football, when to go with the football, and how to throw that football. 'Ever seen' is just something you should not—ever seen is crazy.

The NFL should implement a rule where players can only play 16 games in an 18-game season

18 game season, every player can only play a maximum of 16 games. I like it in theory because it just, it's chaos. It's a wrinkle, would be strategery would be awesome, but... I liked it at first and then I thought I definitely would get fucked because I'd bet a line on Monday and then they'd be like, 'this is the game we're throwing.'

Bluey is an actual drug for children

I had no idea what a drug Bluey was for kids. Oh yeah. But I had, there was a friend that came into town, their 5-year-old stay with us and the kid was like jumping all over... I turn on Bluey and it's like hypnotized. Bluey is a drug for kids. For sure.

Vanny Woodhead will be fully restored and on the road by Summer 2025

I will have a plan and I'm gonna 20, 25. That thing [Vanny Woodhead] will be on the road driving souped up... By next spring, summer... By June 9th, 2025.

The LIV-PGA partnership means they are basically the same organization now

Their partnership is that they have an outline that they've agreed to. Oh. And an arrangement and a skeleton clause that they've put in. And it seems like, it seems like things are progressing. Wow. They're basically the same organization right now.

Rory McIlroy will never win another major

I don't think [Rory McIlroy] is ever gonna win a major. I don't think so either. He's gonna be one of those guys that you look back on and you're like, Colin Montgomery.

Joel Embiid will force a trade to the Knicks after the 76ers implode

The 76ers will implode with Paul George. And Joel Embiid will force himself to the Knicks.

WNBA Finals will be the third most-watched sport in the fall

The finals of the WNBA specifically will have the third most ratings in the fall. So behind college football and the NFL. There needs to be a third place. And WNBA finals will surpass the NBA opening, will surpass the NHL and it'll be the third most watched sport. It'll battle the World Series and it will be three.

Gus Edwards will lead the NFL in rushing TDs and Ladd McConkey will win Rookie of the Year

Gus Edwards will lead the NFL in rushing touchdowns. Also [Ladd McConkey] will be Rookie of the Year. [Edwards] is on the Chargers.

Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce will get engaged followed by a bad album

My preemptive take of the year is that Taylor Swift and Travis [Kelce] are going to get engaged. And then she's going to put out a terrible album. Because she's happy and she doesn't have any boyfriends to complain about. And then all her fans are going to start to hate her because her music sucks because she's happy with her personal life.

I'll bet my life that Hank will dunk

I believe Henry Lockwood is going to dunk. No, I actually 100% believe you're gonna dunk. Because you've been working out a lot. You've been training a lot.

The Patriots will have more combined wins than the Bears and Commanders

My preemptive take of the year is that Drake Maye in New England [Patriots] are going to have more combined wins than the Washington football team and Chicago Bears.

I am already talking myself into 10 wins for almost every NFL team

The social media from the first weekend of the NFL being back is awesome because every team you think that you're gonna be like 10 wins. I can talk myself into 10 wins for any team except for maybe, maybe not the Panthers.

Steve Kerr is a piece of shit for not playing Jason Tatum

Steve Kerr is a piece of shit. That's, that's really what this all boils down to. Jason Tatum did have a better plus minus than Joel Embiid. So there's that.

Steve Kerr is benching Jayson Tatum to sabotage the Celtics' team chemistry

Maybe Steve Kerr is trying to stop the dynasty before it starts. It would be awesome if Steve Kerr was just trying to fuck with the Celtics' chemistry right now and just piss off their star player.

Joel Embiid is the worst player in the entire Olympics

[Joel Embiid] is the worst player on the fucking team, probably in the whole Olympics.

The Celtics will be the most motivated championship team ever because of the Olympic snubs

The Celtics are gonna be the most motivated championship winning team of all time coming into next year. It's gonna be great for Jason Tatum to be back on a team in an organization that actually appreciates him.

Jason Tatum's clip of him chewing gum on the bench is an Aura clip

The clip of [Jason Tatum] shaking his head and chewing the gum on the bench is like, that's an Aura clip. When he fucking drops 60 on Steve Kerr's dumbass face next year. Aura.

Having Rafael Nadal carry the Olympic torch in Paris was 'cucked' behavior by France

Maybe the most cucked behavior that I've ever seen to have one of your country's rivals [Rafael Nadal] as like a prominent figure at the very end. I guess because he is like, always wins the French Open. He just wins the French Open... He is kind of like part of French history.

The US Women's Rugby team could win gold because of Ilona Maher

I think that the US Women's Rugby could win the gold medal because they've got Ilona Maher who, she had two all time truck stick runs. She's like Lady Rob Gronkowski. She's fucking awesome. And she a tank running people over.

Urban Meyer's brewery is putting out a Mexican lager with the laziest name possible

Urban Meyer's back. I just saw that he has an update to his brewhouse... It's called 'El Lager.' I just love it. It's like the laziest name you could come up with. It's like what Budweiser would put on their can of beers during Hispanic Heritage Month.

Michael Phelps ruined swimming for me because he was too dominant

Michael Phelps ruined swimming for me personally. Because he was so goddamn dominant that, and it happened so recently that I'm watching swimming and I'm like, well, Phelps would've beaten all these guys.

I would have been a baseball player if my dad hadn't been fired at Washington State

If he [Jack Elway]... went for the job because he graduated from Washington State... and he was the runner up for the job. And thank god he didn't get that job. Otherwise I'd probably been a baseball player. Because the high school [in Pullman] ran the single wing. And so it would've never been exposed to what I got exposed to when we went down to Southern California in football.

You have to have a quarterback who can win from the pocket to win Super Bowls

To win Super Bowls, you have to have a quarterback that can win it from the pocket. You gotta be able to have the guys that can win it from the pocket because they're too good. I think that, you know, when you think about quarterbacks, I still believe you gotta win it from the pocket.

Mike Shanahan was the best coach I ever played for because he never let us exhale

Mike [Shanahan] was the best coach I ever played for, because I had a great rapport with him also, but loved what he did offensively, but also the expectations that he had of us made us have the expectations of us too. He was tough. The expectations, it was never enough. He never let us exhale. It was always, we gotta play better next week.

Passing on Josh Allen for Bradley Chubb was the biggest mistake of my GM days

John [Allen] says, 'I'm wondering how long is it gonna take him to realize that I passed on him and took Bradley Chubb instead.' And it took him two and a half holes to bring it up. And I loved him [Allen], right? But it just didn't work out. And you're right. That was probably my biggest mistake of my GM days, not taking Josh.

Nutty Bars are a top-tier snack pick

Gonna go with Nutty Bars. Love them. Love them. Yeah. You know that You'll get my vote on that. It's a solid pick.

Doritos are the best snack

I will go with Doritos. Cool Ranch Doritos are my favorite. Doritos are the best. They really are the best.