Takes

August is the 'Sunday of Summer'

My real who's back to the week is Seasons. Yeah dude, it's August. Yeah... August for me is always like oh, it's Sunday. Oh because back to school. Yeah, you're still in the mode where like I go to the department store with your mom and you see backpacks on sale.

Mets GM Brodie Van Wagenen intentionally leaked that Yoenis Cespedes was missing to spite him

He knew that Cespedes packed up his shit and left because he was opting out but he used to be Cespedes's Agent and so he's pissed that Yoenis ended up signing with Roc Nation. And so now he's like feeding all this shit into the media... first thought if somebody just ditches the Mets you don't immediately suspect that they're dead.

The movements in the new Madden are too jerky and unrealistic

The new Madden sucks... the movements my eyes cannot understand the movements. They are all herky-jerky. I don't understand how the players move in that game. It's too hard to play because the kids grow up playing those games that have higher frame rates... these games have gotten too realistic. Give me some glitches. Give me some weird shit.

Everything is an ingredient and every meal needs beer

Billy has three rules as a cook. Rule number one is they're all ingredients. That's his saying when you say Billy what the fuck are you doing right now that smells and looks terribly says they're all ingredients. Dude. Number two is let the meat talk. So that means just don't put any seasoning on any meat just Talk and number three is every meal cooked needs beer. So that Billy can drink it.

The Houston Astros have to expect to be hit by pitches for a while

But if there were someone to get beaned in the head to be the Astros... the Astros also have to kind of expect if bad things are going to probably happen to him for a little bit of time.

Patrick Mahomes should be number one on the NFL Top 100

I like Aaron Donald's the guy that you put ahead of Patrick Mahomes to remind everybody that you watch football. They watch the tapes like well Aaron Donald's really the best player. Yeah, which he's awesome. Don't get me wrong, but I don't And then Russell Wilson also very good player, but come on Patrick Mahomes is coming out. Like what more does a guy need to do? Nothing? He's our number-one.

NFL players get faster after a few years in the league because it becomes their full-time job

I all I said is I would say I said that guy's the NFL run faster couple years in because they know what to do with their body and their it's a job now, so it's not like, you know, you can't go to the gym at certain times or you know, you have classes. It's a full-time job in the offseason. You were paying someone to help train you and all that stuff.

I thought the Mets would be the first team to have a massive COVID outbreak

I would have bet my ball sack it was going to be the Mets that would have all their players infected in every other team be fine. So that's actually saying what about my ball sack? Yeah... I'm shocked that it's the Marlins.

Aaron Rodgers used tequila to cope with the Jordan Love draft pick

Aaron Rodgers... he said that when he found out that Jordan love got drafted he used some tequila to cope. So problem drinking. I thought he said that he likes Scotch. Yeah, so he's problem Joe. He's mixing his liquor shop and he was like, I need the hard stuff. I'm going to the tequila.

As an NFL rookie, you should shut the fuck up and lay low

Shut the fuck up and lay low was the first test... No one really knows who the fuck you are... no one likes when rookies come in with some type of running their mouth at all talking too much... don't speak unless spoken to.

The 60-game MLB season 'on pace' stats are going to be electric

The on pace oh I for the 60 Game season is going to be electric. It sucks though, because not as many people are doing the on pace tweets... like Bryce Harper's on pace for 350 RBIs.

The Jamal Adams trade is a win-win, but a massive haul for the Jets

I actually love this trade for the Jets... To get up what they end up giving up a first-round and what was it? The final trade haul I believe was like they got Billy's want to put this in there. You got two of the biggest two first round picks a fourth-round pick. That's so much. It's a win-win as far as trades in the NFL go.

I am the Mount Rushmore of swag

You have probably the most swag of any athlete ever it something truly Mount Rushmore, right? [Deion]: That is true. Yes. I'm not no. I'm not in the Mount Rushmore. I am the Mount Rushmore. You personify swag.

Peeing outside is better than using a public restroom

I get up I'm going to cut your first of all I see look IPS that everywhere I go out Piazza like all my outside Pier. I love the freedom. I love the air love the breeze. Oh every day I get up at night and go outside just to Peak.

The more trash bags you use, the better it is for the sanitation worker

I stay the light of the biggest the better it had to go through for bag instead of two or three. I don't mind carrying. There's two bigs was carrying an extra 20 pounds in the bag. It might rip in the street. I got to clean it up.

You can't beat a Waffle House cook on his home turf; you need to use sneaky tactics

I obviously I'm very much on this guy side. I want him to win. I think he needs to start thinking a lot smarter though... you're not going to beat him on his home turf. No, you have to find a sneaky way to do this.

Dr. Fauci's first pitch was almost good because of how terrible it was

I actually think first pitches either be terrible or be incredible. I don't think Dr. Fauci had incredible in him. Might as well just go terrible. It was almost good how bad it was.

I must have at least three Cleveland Browns players on my fantasy team every season

I only draft Browns players on my team... It's just because last the last time I won fantasy football, I had Braylon Edwards and Derek Anderson as a one-two punch... So now I have to have that a minimum three Browns on my fantasy football team every season and I have not won since that season.

I refuse to draft DeAndre Hopkins because I can't watch Texans games

I have weird teams that I can't watch. I don't know what it is about the Texans that annoy me so I could never draft DeAndre Hopkins, even if I had a top five pick.

The 'Law of Attraction' is real and explains how I married Rebecca Romijn

I'm married to a former Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Covergirl Rebecca Romijn... I have no right. I have no money. I have no real status in society... I did thumb through [The Secret] and I found it to be very very helpful. I carried around a picture [of her]... and it'll be like a law of attraction.

I actually like the numbers on the helmets for the Washington Football Team

I actually like the helmets. I like numbers on a helmet. People are like, oh man, that's a college thing. Yes, it is. But why not have one team in the NFL have it? Kind of cool.

The Seattle Kraken should have been named the 'Seattle Sirens'

I thought that a great name would be the Seattle Sirens. Then at the goal siren, you could have Courtney Love just up in the corner just trying to lure people to date her.

Apple purposefully throttles iPhone battery life when a new model is about to be released

My iPhone on Saturday started, like, rapidly losing battery, getting way overheated, and it's been crap the last few days. And then I Googled it because I was like, oh, I should probably get a new one. Oh, weird. iPhone 12 coming out soon. Oh, it's fucking every single time. I don't understand how they're able to get away with this.

Zoom happy hours suck and the novelty wore off in two weeks

Zoom happy hours. Remember when people tried to make that a thing? Everyone acted like, oh, we don't see our friends, so let's do a happy hour on Zoom. And then I think people did it for like a week or two... Everyone realized it sucked.

Jay Glazer 'held the world hostage' with a dud scoop about a player getting COVID

Jay Glazer held the world hostage for 24 hours thinking he was going to break the biggest news ever and then just told us a guy [Brian Allen] got coronavirus. But he was fine. Hundreds of thousands of, I think millions, yeah, millions of people have had coronavirus and he was like, big news coming tomorrow.

Putting an Under Armour logo on a kilt would make men willing to wear dresses

Somebody just needs to invent... If you slap an Under Armour logo onto a kilt or onto just any sort of nice, flowy, long skirt, you can make a dude wear anything. You're just like, this is a sport performance kilt. A guy will wear a dress. It's a golfing kilt.

Bryson DeChambeau is the number one baby back bitch in sports

[Bryson DeChambeau] is now the number one triple B in the sports world... I think he's baby back bitch of the year. The fact that he now has his caddy blocking camera guys too.

Getting engaged during your senior year of college is a terrible decision

Trevor Lawrence got engaged... say nothing about being like a future NFL superstar, but just getting engaged when you're a senior in college is dumb as shit.

Aaron Rodgers is obsessed with dating famous people

Shailene Woodley. Aaron Rodgers is obsessed with just dating famous people. He just dates... I think maybe... you'd probably want to date a non-famous person to convince them to move to Green Bay, Wisconsin.

Nobody actually wants a real dad bod

Fuck the people who have made dad bod culture seem cool because I know deep down, no one actually wants dad bods. They want the Zac Efron six pack dad bod... reality is if you have a true dad bod you're just really tired all the time because your metabolism is fucked up and you're overweight.

Teams fail in the NFL Draft because they prioritize physical attributes over character and heart

Because it's impossible not to take the pretty girl... when you get a guy who's 6'6" and runs four or five... and they put together a 10 highlight package... and yet that's not what football is. Football is a grind... It takes people who... have that kind of heart that even when they're a mess... they're still going to slam their head into that brick wall.

Elite tight ends like George Kittle and Rob Gronkowski are worth more than elite wide receivers

I think you can make the argument that a great tight end, like a Gronkowski or like Greg Kittle is what we call him, if you're that good at that position, I think you're more... you're worth more to your team than like an elite wide receiver.

George Kittle was the best player in the NFL in 2019

This guy is an SOB blocking now... he and Gronk and a handful of guys are ungodly blockers as they play, and they can do everything the other guys can do as receivers... George Kittle, I think we [PFF] had him as the best player in the NFL last year.

I can no longer be a Navy SEAL because I am too famous from the podcast

I can't be in the special forces because too many people know my taste nowadays. And I wanted to be... it's actually really disappointing. Every time more people recognize me, it gets me really freaked out. I can't be a Navy SEAL.

NFL owners will never force Dan Snyder to sell because they all have similar skeletons in their closets

I think that the other NFL owners, and I think a lot of NFL teams are going to look at this report and be like, well, we can't force [Dan] Snyder to sell because we all have some of the same stuff probably happening under our own roofs.

Media members who hyped the Redskins report to boost their own social cloud are douchebags

The media part pisses me off to no end because anyone who said out loud, there's a big report coming just to flex their own muscles and boost their own fucking social cloud and say, I know something you don't know... you're a douchebag because you basically made it about that.

The best part of being a Redskins fan for the last 23 years was beating a spleenless Chris Simms in the playoffs

The number one best part of the [Dan] Snyder era was we won a playoff game. We beat Chris Simms on the road in a playoff game, and we scored one offensive touchdown... he beat a spleenless quarterback by seven points and scored a touchdown on offense.

I am the alpha of the show because I squat and bench more than everyone else in the room

I 100% squat and bench more than anybody in this room. And because of that, I think that makes me the alpha.

LeBron James is not currently a top-five player of all time

Is [LeBron James] on a trajectory to jump into the top five of all time? For sure. But with three championships and he's still on that trajectory, he's not there yet, in my opinion... I would have Bill Russell, Michael Jordan, Wilt Chamberlain [ahead of him].

The Rockets would have beaten Michael Jordan's Bulls in the mid-90s because the Bulls were too small without Horace Grant

I think the reason they lost to Orlando, even when Michael [Jordan] came back... I just think his team wasn't good enough because Horace [Grant] was in Orlando. So they were small, Shaq killing him inside... If they had Rodman, I'd have been like, I don't know... but without Horace Grant and without Rodman, no, I don't think they would have done it.

An Oreo is a frosting sandwich, not a cookie

If you took an Oreo and took, you know, the top part off, that single black chip is a cookie... What do you think Oreos are cookies? It's a frosting sandwich.

The Washington Redskins should change their name to the Red Wolves

The Redskins are changing their name, hopefully, to the Red Wolves. Dan Snyder, if you're listening, the Red Wolves is the way to go for this.

Mitch Trubisky's 75 rating in Madden 21 is insane

Mitch Trubisky's a 75 in the new Madden. Insane. He was 79 last year. Goddamn.

USC's standard should be winning National Championships, not just the Pac-12

It's not about the Pac-12. It's about national championships... Our goals is national championships. Um, and we, we can go ahead and take the Pac-12 along the way, but the echelon should be national championships all day, every day.

Everyone on the internet is a hypocrite regarding China and the NBA

The reality is everybody in the world or at least in the United States right now is a huge fucking hypocrite and they're all narcs their loser because you know what? You know what I'm typing on right now. I'm typing on a computer. I'm typing on a phone that was probably assembled in communist China... It sucks.

Kamaru Usman's foot-stomping strategy should be illegal in UFC

Who's Mondo foot-stomping. I mean that's just—that should be legal. It should be any it's more like just a pride thing dude, like beat someone without stopping their toes... It sucks.

I need to catch a bat to test it for rabies so I don't have to get shots in my stomach

If I catch the bat then I can test the bat for rabies. So I don't have to get a bunch of shots in my stomach... I'm going to stay up all night to find this bat.

Naming songs after simple objects like 'trucks' or 'margaritas' is a work of genius

You are kind of a genius when it comes to the naming of your songs... My favorite is 'We Rode In Trucks' like, you know what that song's about. The simplicity of it is kind of genius... One Margarita, drink a beer. That one's about beer.

I actually enjoy staying at a Motel 6

I'm not here for the Motel 6 slander, by the way. I enjoy a good Motel 6. You're not getting any frills. I'm more of a Red Roof Inn guy, but I just like hotels. You just go in, you run the hot shower, get that hot water going for 30 minutes at a time.

The NFL banning jersey swaps is pure PR and makes no sense

I also love the NFL being like 'we're not going to do jersey swaps.' Mmm. Thank you. You know, you're hitting each other for three hours, standing next to each other, getting in a pile. But if you try to fucking jersey swap... that was PR 101, that was a fake-ass move by them.