Takes

New Orleans is a better Super Bowl host city than Las Vegas because of its bar culture

I like cities better because Vegas is just club or casino... New Orleans is gonna be great because casino's an option if you want to. You can also just go to bars all night.

Ludacris should have a 'Lud Bowl' halftime show performing all his features

I think that they should do a Lud Bowl halftime show where it's Ludacris. It goes out and he performs like all of his features with all the other artists that have had him on their songs.

The Waste Management Phoenix Open should remain a drunken chaos event

This is what the Waste Management is and I always had the feeling that golfers begrudgingly said, like, we love it... don't try to change it. I want more. I want guys getting stronger, stealing golf clubs and shit.

Patrick Mahomes already has a better NFL career than Troy Aikman

Patrick Mahomes has a better career than Troy Aikman... it's just a fact. He's played six years.

Golf galleries should cheer throughout the entire swing to create consistent background noise

I also kind of wish that they would be able to cheer throughout the entire swing. Because... then it just becomes background noise. So just, just cheer everyone cheered through the backswing.

Baker Mayfield should have won the 2023 Comeback Player of the Year award

I still think it should have been Baker [Mayfield]. I think Baker should have won that. He won a playoff game.

Patrick Mahomes needs to fully embrace his impending 'villain mode'

He's [Mahomes] flipping into villain mode, which he's not becoming a dick. But at some point you have to embrace [it].

I was right about Brittany Mahomes being attractive

I want to just all due respect, Patrick, you've won... your wife is hot. And I would say that his wife is very attractive. Good job. I got this one right.

The Chiefs defense is better than people realize and Steve Spagnuolo will put on a masterclass in the Super Bowl

I think the Chiefs defense is better than people realize. And I think Spags [Steve Spagnuolo] is going to put on a masterclass... Mahomes is Mahomes. And there's just so many things that I just keep going back to like the Chiefs. They've just been there, done that. They know how to win these games.

Kyle Shanahan might not be a 'clutch' coach

I was like, can a coach be clutch? You don't normally hear about coaches being clutch. Maybe Kyle Shanahan's just not clutch.

There will be no doinked field goals or extra points in Super Bowl 58

No fucking doinks. Oh no doinks. We're running it back. I got doinked big time last year and I just realized I'm talking about Moody and even his makes are close to being misses. And also last year it was Butker. But he's a good kicker. There's no chance he double doinks. No chance. So what I'm doing is I'm going to have my vengeance on the doink from last year. And I'm going to double my bet this year and go, no doinks.

At least one punt in Super Bowl 58 will result in a touchback

Will any punt result in a touchback? ... I'll be loading up, unloading the clip, emptying the clip, putting it all on this one prop. ... There's gonna be a fucking touchback on one of these punts for sure.

The winning coach of Super Bowl 58 will have 'sport water' poured on them during the Gatorade bath

I like color of body armor poured on winning coach clear slash water. ... Body Armor sport water. ... Plus 700. Nice.

No player who finished college at Alabama has ever scored a point in Super Bowl history

With the 49ers and Chiefs having no Alabama players on the active roster, a remarkable streak will continue. No player who finished college at Alabama has scored a point in the history of the Super Bowl. Players from 143 other colleges ranging from the Coast Guard (one point) to Miami (84) have scored in a Super Bowl.

The 49ers would have beaten the Eagles in the 2023 NFC Championship if Brock Purdy hadn't been injured

I was a huge fan of our game plan. ... I believe that we would've won with Brock. 'cause I think he's such a good player. ... At least it would've been a close game. 'cause that everyone's like, oh, we beat you by 24. I'm like, dude, come on. I didn't have a quarterback for two quarters.

A Christian McCaffrey touchdown is the surest bet in all of sports

I think the surest bet in all of sports is Christian McCaffrey touchdown. He just scores every time no matter what... in our offense, you can see that in the seven years that I've been here is when we get to the red zone, we're gonna run the ball and try to run the ball in. And then you throw Christian into it, and it's like, okay, well we're gonna design a play for Deebo to score. You could be the second read, George, you're gonna be here. And then fourth read one-on-one versus their Mike linebacker is gonna be Christian McCaffrey. Oh, that's an easy tolo it in there.

The key to defending Patrick Mahomes is keeping him in the pocket and hitting him all game

You have to be coordinated. You have to do your absolute best... everything in your power and energy, every fiber in your body to keep [Mahomes] in the pocket. If he keeps plays alive, that's where he is magical. He does all the crazy shit. Throws the left-handed and he just finds people. But if you keep 'em in the pocket, that's your best bet. And I'm not saying it's a hundred percent's gonna stop him, but that's your best chance... you have to hit him all game and make him uncomfortable.

Many quarterbacks in the NFL are 'bitches' who cry to the refs when hit

[Patrick Mahomes] is not a bitch. He's gonna keep coming back. He's gonna keep playing... [Big Cat: What quarterback is a bitch?] I won't name any names, but there's more than one. There's a lot of them that cry. Yeah. It is what it is.

Maxx Crosby will win Defensive Player of the Year next season

I will be putting a wager on Maxx Crosby to win Defensive Player of the Year next year. I think next year, Maxx, you're gonna win the title next year. I really do.

Marquez Valdes-Scantling will score the first touchdown of Super Bowl 58

Are we so happy with Valdes-Scantling? [Big Cat: Okay, down. It's in.] Now that's gotta be a big number. Marquez Valdes-Scantling first touchdown.

I am betting $5,000 on a Kyle Juszczyk anytime touchdown and Marquez Valdes-Scantling first touchdown parlay to win $1 million

I'm gonna parlay [Kyle] Juszczyk anytime touchdown with Marquez Valdes-Scantling first touchdown. Five grand to win $1 million. Done.

The NFL is better when the Patriots are losing

I'm sorry to get right into it about the Patriots, but I do wanna say the NFL is better when the Patriots are losing. I'm not kidding. Think about this season and how exciting it's been. How many ups and downs... when the Patriots aren't in play, it's just more fun. It's wide open.

Mike McDaniel will become annoying if the Dolphins don't win soon

Is Coach McDaniel annoying? [Big Cat: Not annoying.] If they don't win next year. Yes. Annoying. Umm. You don't think the, the, the pants, the, the, the Kop pants are like a little... the sunglasses all the time is a little bit much for me.

Taylor Swift should have dated someone on the Panthers to learn that life isn't that easy

I don't wanna say anything negative about Taylor Swift, but that that just, it it, it's unfair that Taylor Swift was basically introduced to the NFL this year. And she's already in the Super Bowl... she should have dated someone on like the Panthers. Yeah. Go to Bank of America Stadium Week 16. That's a fact. I wanna see David Tepper pouring a drink on her.

The Jim Harbaugh hiring won't make the Chargers winners for years

None of the Chargers. AFC West, Harbaugh. I just don't see it happening. It's like, it's like buying a dilapidated Victorian home. It's like not gonna be inhabitable for years.

The 49ers are the most boring team in the NFL

Why do the 49ers bore me? So why are they so boring? That no sense... it's just like, what do you want like 20 points from all your player starters every week? Is that what you want? I don't know. I'm so bored... there's a boredom that happens with the 49ers.

The Rams are one of the most fun teams to watch because Matthew Stafford is so volatile

Oh, I love the Rams. You know why? Because they don't score 20 points every week. They like sometimes score, like sometimes Stafford is like 40 points and then some weeks, nothing. It's so fun.

Don't draft a single player from the NFC South in fantasy football next season

And the NFC South. Absolutely No one, not one player. Strongest argument, guys. That's it. That's my pitch. Think about it.

The 'Bang Bang Niner Gang' slogan is stupid and annoying

That's another annoying thing about Niners fans. My wife has like Niners gear and she wears it. And like, people on the street are always like, bang bang. It's so stupid. God.

MetLife Stadium is cursed

My Hot Seat is MetLife Stadium. It was recently announced that the very cursed stadium in the NFL world will be hosting the 2026 World Cup final... however, I believe they're switching it to grass. Correct? They are. But it's still cursed.

Drake leaked his own explicit video as a flex

Drake international superstar. He was jacking off and the video came out. I actually think my conspiracy theory brain tells me that Drake leaked this himself because it's a good angle... he's got a big dick and he's got a big dick. Yeah. So if anything it like my respect for Drake increased today.

Mike Vrabel is too physically intimidating to get a head coaching job

She [Diana Russini] said that she had a GM at the Senior Bowl who mentioned to me Vrabel's physical build, that he's a very large human being and can be very intimidating to people in an organization... If you're a football owner, large human beings, you don't wanna be around them. You want a nerd. You want a tiny little nerd.

Andy Reid will never retire because he has no hobbies except football and cheeseburgers

Andy Reid, who is not gonna retire. This is all he does. I'm trying to get Andy to play golf. I'm trying to get him to go hunting. He just won't do it. Andy Reid also has a bucket list... it's just eating in different countries. My prediction, they win the Super Bowl, he probably goes to France. Eats his way through France.

I am intensely attracted to Tiffany Gomas

I have such an intense attraction to Tiffany Gomas. It is, it's actually, I am, I'm obsessed with her... I follow her on Instagram. I even like leave comments like 'looking good girl'... I think the thing I'm most attracted to is that there's a real, a mental issue there... I'm really attracted to her.

Patrick Mahomes is already in the GOAT discussion with Montana and Brady

He's already in that discussion... he's this ages Brady, or this generation, or this decades, Brady, Montana... He's already there because the potential is he 28 years old? I still think of him as 22 and 23... He gets it. Fascinating to me.

The Chiefs' offensive line is the most underrated unit in the NFL playoffs

The Chiefs offensive line is maybe the most underrated unit in the playoffs. Even though [Joe] Thuney is out... they've been playing great. Patrick Mahomes, the first time he got sacked in the playoffs was second half against Baltimore. It's crazy. Like they, they really are very underrated.

Taylor Swift is absolutely good for football because she's bringing in new fans

Absolutely. And I'll tell you why... anything that makes somebody a pro football fan from nothing can't be all bad. Throw the game. I mean, you may not agree. What do you guys think?

Josh Allen would have made it to a Super Bowl by now if he played in the NFC

If Josh Allen was in the NFC, he'd probably have been in his Super Bowl by now. I would think so. [Chris Berman: Yeah.] And the [49ers] are. Yeah. They had one year. It's just a lot of circumstance of who you're in the conference with.

The 49ers' shaky playoff wins might have actually benefited them by humbling the team before the Super Bowl

It might actually work in their benefit... because it might be a situation where they got a little humbled and they know that like, 'Hey, we can get beat by anyone anytime.' So, you know, the Packers game, the Lions game... they might have a little bit more of a, 'Hey, we can come back from these. We don't have to be, you know, just killing the team right away.'

The Chiefs will beat the 49ers 22-18 in Super Bowl LVIII

So 22-18. 18. [Big Cat: Oh, I like that.] You get to 18, I mean, there's six... you could kick a lot of field goal. 22-18. The Chiefs, I have them winning.

If you have a problem watching Patrick Mahomes, you have a problem watching football

If you have a problem watching [Mahomes] play quarterback, you have a problem watching football. That's true. I mean, you don't have to root for him. But don't, ah, appreciate greatness. No, stop it.

I completely bombed my stand-up comedy set

It was just, it was all downhill. I knew it was bad. My dad texted me after he just said, 'you okay'. I was, I was like, I'm, I was like, I'm fine... but even if I prepped a year, you can't, you can't teach public speaking.

The Larry the Goldfish tattoo looks bad because I used a frozen dead corpse as the reference

I never told you guys. 'cause I knew I would've never heard the end of it... [The tattoo artist] asked for a reference picture. And I was like, whoa, I can get a reference picture. He's in the freezer so let me go take a picture... he had already done the full dead tattoo on my body where I was like, oh my God, this is a dead goldfish. I could've just Googled goldfish and it wouldn't have mattered.

The Commanders have overplayed their hand in trying to get Caleb Williams

I would make the guess right now that the Commanders have already fucked this up because no one has overplayed their hand more than the Commanders have already overplayed their hand. ... You guys have overplayed your hand to the point where it's like obvious that you're lusting for this guy. And that's a bad spot to be in a negotiation three months out.

Paying extra for a top-tier franchise quarterback is actually an underpayment

I would say that a little, an overpayment [for a top-five quarterback] is actually an underpayment. If you're getting a top five quarterback, or a guy that would evolve into a top five quarterback in the NFL, it is worth it.

The 49ers will stop Patrick Mahomes in Super Bowl LVIII

I put in the biggest bet of my life on the 49ers. And I feel like we can stop Patrick Mahomes. ... We can be the ones to do it. This is it. ... We can do this. We can be the ones to stop him.

Joel Embiid might be the reason the 76ers can't make it to the Conference Finals

Maybe [Joel Embiid] is the one who's keeping you from getting in the conference finals. Belt to ass tour continues.

The Enhanced Games (steroid Olympics) will be better than the actual Olympics

I'm going to watch hard. ... That sounds way better than the regular Olympics. ... They're starting the Olympic games where every contestant's gonna be allowed to dope, which means we're gonna get all kinds of crazy records. We have a bunch of freaks running around out there.

Robbie Avila will be a breakout star if Indiana State makes the NCAA Tournament

Robbie Avila from Indiana State. ... He's got rec specs. And he is, if Indiana State gets to the tournament, which they are the best team in the Missouri Valley right now. We could have like a, this, this guy could like, capture the hearts of America.

Indiana is scared to play Indiana State in basketball

Do you know that Indiana state, Indiana doesn't play Indiana state because they just embarrassed him every time they play him. Indiana State, I think last time they played 'em was like 2017 and they won by like 20. Damn. So Indiana's just scared of 'em.