Takes

The Phoenix Suns, Minnesota Timberwolves, and OKC Thunder are not true title contenders due to their lack of a proven shot-clock scorer or youth

I don't think they're gonna be sitting there with a trophy at the end of this whole thing... I'm not gonna trust [Minnesota's] offense late in the playoff series... History tells you the youth part of [OKC] would be an absurd aberration historically for them to win an NBA title.

LeBron James no longer does the little things like boxing out or transition defense

LeBron is the best player I've ever seen... But he doesn't do the little things that I think are really important in basketball anymore. He doesn't do those things anymore... you lose your guy boxing out all the time. You don't get back in transition. You lose guys on these baseline cuts.

The NBA offensive explosion is caused by rules and officiating that make it impossible to play defense

I don't know what the defense is supposed to do anymore... The foul number isn't the really thing to look at. I think it's defenses are scared to death to even be in compromised positions because guys just fucking run into everybody now. You just adding it all up... the offensive player has never had this many advantages.

The Boston Celtics are the NBA championship favorites if Kristaps Porzingis remains healthy

Boston... if Pingus is healthy, they have probably, they're probably still the favorite... Their one through rate is ridiculous.

The heliocentric style of offense led by Luka Doncic is difficult to win with in the playoffs

The history of the heliocentric offenses are really bad in the playoffs. You basically had one NBA finals guy for a top 20 usage rate in the NBA history... It sucks watching somebody else have the ball all the time... whenever they shut off your drive in the playoffs, now I have to shoot.

Nikola Jokic and Luka Doncic are the only two players in the NBA who can guarantee a good shot on every possession

Jokic gives you the best chance on every possession of anybody in the league. He is a genius... I think Luka's number two where it's like if I needed a bucket I might pick him over Jokic because he can put it and drive a little bit better.

Victor Wembanyama is already a massive success and will meet every expectation

He's incredible. Everything about him this year individually for him is a massive success... His personality just seems so genuine in that he's been mentally built to take on the responsibility that he's gonna have to take on for a franchise at a young age.

Jared Goff is a winner and his success with the Lions proves I was right about him

I was right about Jared Goff... he take the Lions the NFC Championship game. He's a quiet leader... I'm very happy for you and your good friend Jared Goff.

I hate expanded playoffs in any sport and prefer leaving teams out

I don't like that there's this many NFL teams in the playoffs. I think it's stupid. I'm big on—I know it's gonna shock you—I like leaving people out of things. I hate expanded anything.

TSA does not allow foam swords on planes

I looked up whether TSA would accept foam swords. They do not. And so [I] held onto my foam blade back at home. Didn't get to bring it, but I'm so honored to be in the presence of [the show] right now.

LARPing is actually a lot of fun

I've larp before. LARPing is great. It's so much fun... it's like very Game of Thrones. Yeah, I was an archer. It was so much fun.

Baldur's Gate 3 is currently bigger than Dungeons & Dragons itself

I'd say [Baldur's Gate 3] is bigger than D&D itself right now. It has won all the awards. It has become this huge video game and it's all based off of the D&D rules. It's the best job they've done taking the game we know and love and turning it into a video game experience.

Ronald Reagan would likely be the best U.S. President at performing oral sex because he was 'taught by the best' in Hollywood

What president would suck the best dick? James Madison. Yeah, definitely. Well no. What about silver tongue Lyndon B. Johnson? Wouldn't it be Reagan? 'cause he's been taught by the best. Oh yeah, true. I think he's the best at getting head. Well maybe Clinton. Actually Obama, right?

Amphibians have ears that connect directly to their brains

One thing I know about lizards and amphibians, they've got ears that connect directly to their brain. Could I sing a note so high that the vibration of it kills everyone's tadpole?

I know how to fly a plane, I just don't know how to take off or land

I just know how to fly. I don't know how to take off and land. Exactly.

Mind-controlling teammates in Dungeons & Dragons is acceptable because it isn't the real world

This is d and d. It's different than the real world. I don't feel bad... Scre it. This is fake. This is fantasy life... I actually controlled your mind and brought you to the promise land.

I have zero problem sleeping with an angel in Elysium, even if they turn out to be a man

Hank's big fucking move was to make me gay. Like it's a bad thing. Disgusting. You fucking an angel dude. Yeah, absolutely. I I don't give [a fuck]—angels are angels. They just change their physical form whenever they want. Shit. They're just like changing to [whatever you] love... I'm like, yeah, no shit bro.

The ideal heaven includes NFL games where every over hits and the channel changes the moment it gets boring

Is NFL on? Yeah. Oh, a hundred percent. And every game is like exactly as exciting as you want. Every over hits, every game is like going into the most exciting moments... and then as soon as it gets boring, the channel just changes to a new, more exciting game.

NFL teams that score first in overtime should go for two

If you do get the ball first in overtime and you score, should you preemptively go for two? That would be the only thing that could save the 49ers if they said, yeah, our plan was to go for two if we scored a touchdown.

Kyle Shanahan is officially the coach that can't win a Super Bowl

This is a label that's gonna wear on him. It is what he is at this point. Like until he wins a Super Bowl, we're just gonna say, yeah, Kyle Shanahan is the guy that can't win a Super Bowl.

Patrick Mahomes will soon reach AI-like super computer status

He'll soon reach super computer status where he'll know what to do before each play starts. He's just becoming AI. We've got AI Mahomes.

Every woman in America currently believes she is Taylor Swift

Every woman in America thinks she's Taylor Swift. Like they're living vicariously through Taylor Swift. There will be guys that get plastic surgery to look more like Travis Kelce so they can start dating women.

The moon is a worthless piece of shit that is overrated

The moon is kind of overrated, by the way... It used to protect us against asteroids. That's why there's all those craters on there. Haven't seen an asteroid hit the moon in millions of years. Worthless piece of shit.

Caleb Williams is putting up too much bulletin board material before entering the NFL

I do want him on the Bears. But like, you gotta play in the NFL first, dude. You gotta know the pictures. He's putting up a lot of bulletin board material on himself. Well, in the last like full year. Get there and be good for a little bit and then you could do anything you want.

The playoff overtime rules should be the regular season overtime rules

They need to make that the regular season overtime rule. I, I really don't understand. And the excitement factor and the strategy and the risk involved is it's so different.

College football overtime should have no kicking

Do you know what they should do? They should do college football overtime. No kicking. You just like, it's just score a touchdown from the 25. Everyone can hit a field goal in the NFL from 25. I'm just saying you just only can score a touchdown.

The return of the bubonic plague is a sign to not get a cat

I'm putting all of humanity on the hot seat because I read an article today that the bubonic plague is back. They found it in Oregon. Somebody caught it from their cat... maybe a reminder: don't get a cat now.

The Taco Bell Cheez-It Crunchwrap will be elite

Let me just say that The Cheez-It Crunchwrap looks elite. Yes. It looks, I without tasting it, I can tell you that's probably on my Mount Rushmore of Taco Bell Foods.

I can still play in the NFL and am not technically retired

Can I still play in the NFL? Yes. Yes. Are you retired technically? No. I have not put in my paperwork or, you know, signed my anything with like the trust or anything like that. I've done that on purpose because I didn't want to have to do it twice. But no, I, I just train every week like I'm a player and then if I get the call, I'm ready to roll.

I ran a 4.38 forty-yard dash on camera last year

I ran a 4, 2, 5 last year. So you're faster than you've ever been. It was hand times. But then they actually went back and timed it on the camera and then it was a 4, 3, 8. So we'll go 4, 3, 8. I'm cool with that. Listen that, that's faster than I've ever been to be honest.

The Washington Commanders will likely change their name again

I think it's a terrible name. Yeah, I think it's an awful name, man. I don't think it's gonna be Commanders long term. Because if you've seen Josh Harris, I kept an eye on this all year. He always wears the Washington hat, right? With the W on it. I've never seen him wear Commanders on his shirts.

I shouldn't have played at all in the 2013 NFL season

I came away from watching that tape in 2013, honestly disgusted. I shouldn't have played at all in 2013. Gave myself a full, a full year of not just watching tape and building those bonds. The bottom line is, I did play, and what you put on tape is how they're going to judge you.

NFL teams shouldn't draft a QB into a split front office situation

If I'm an evaluator, I'm a GM, I'm never drafting a quarterback into a situation where there's a split in the building. Don't do that. 'Cause the kid's not gonna be able to have the best chance to be successful. You can't draft a guy if everybody's not gonna be in lockstep to help develop that guy.

The Giants made a mistake by signing Daniel Jones to a major contract

Why did they [the Giants] decide to pay Daniel Jones? A lot of that is, you know, they don't want to admit that they made a mistake. They made a mistake.

Media coverage favors coaches over players because coaches have longer careers

Players need to know that there's a reason that the mainstream media has the coaches' backs. And it's because no matter how long you play, that coach is gonna coach longer... That relationship with that coach is more important than that relationship with the player. So when you see narratives like Russell Wilson, and you see like, okay, there's like one or two guys that are talking [badly] about the coach... it's because they know that coach is still gonna be coaching.

Brock Purdy played the quarterback position better than anyone else this year

If you just look at Brock Purdy stats from the regular season, you'd say he was the best quarterback in the NFL this year. Lamar was the MVP, Brock Purdy played the quarterback position better than anybody in the NFL. He's a creator. He creates plays for them, not just with ball placement, but with his legs.

Patrick Mahomes is the second greatest quarterback in history after only six years

Mahomes is either gonna have two Super Bowls in his six years, or he is gonna have three Super Bowls. So he'll already have been the second greatest quarterback in NFL history. In six years. It's crazy. He's on a Brady track.

Lamar Jackson and Josh Allen deserve the same grace period Peyton Manning had

It took Peyton Manning nine seasons to win one Super Bowl. And Lamar's going into year seven. So give him that grace that we gave to some of these others. Same with Josh Allen. I hate the fact that they're debating whether he's great on TV every freaking week when he loses a game.

I would rather experience Damar Hamlin's on-field medical emergency than Alex Smith's leg injury because you get a peak at the afterlife

DeMar [Hamlin over Alex Smith]. Because you get a peak at the afterlife. For sure... you get treated as a hero when you come back... you get a free clone.

The Kansas City Chiefs have reached their final form as the dynastic New England Patriots

They've reached their final form of being the dynastic New England Patriots, 'cause they are a dynasty now. Three [titles] in five [years].

It's a failure if the Chiefs don't win three Super Bowls in a row

I would actually go as far as to say if they don't get three in a row, it's a failure.

Patrick Mahomes is on pace to be the greatest athlete of all time

Patrick Mahomes is on pace to be the greatest athlete of all time... he's played six seasons and he is a first-ballot Hall of Famer if he retired tomorrow. We have to start comparing to Michael Jordan and Muhammad Ali.

If Patrick Mahomes is within one score of the lead, the Chiefs are guaranteed to win the game

I was like, the Chiefs kind of like, if as long as the Chiefs are within one score, they're gonna win this game.

The 2023 49ers were a better team than the 2022 Philadelphia Eagles

I would say that this 49ers team is better than last year's Philadelphia Eagles team. No questions asked.

Kyle Shanahan made a huge mistake taking the ball first in overtime

Taking the ball in overtime was a huge, huge mistake... It makes no sense because under the new rules, each team gets to possess the ball at least once. And if you're the second team to possess the ball, you have all the knowledge of what the first team did.

Kyle Shanahan has blown a double-digit lead in every Super Bowl he has participated in as a coach or coordinator

Kyle Shanahan... he has the biggest blown lead in Super Bowl history when he was the offensive coordinator... and then he blew a 10 point lead in the fourth quarter of Super Bowl 54... and then this ties obviously... three Super Bowls as a OC and head coach. Three double digit leads.

The 49ers have been the second-best team in football for five years with nothing to show for it

Besides the Kansas City Chiefs [the 49ers have been] consistently the best team in football and they have nothing to show for it.

Tony Romo doesn't add any substance to broadcasts anymore

Tony Romo, he just doesn't. And we were the first to this take... He doesn't add any substance anymore. And it's like, and he makes weird noises. He was singing into commercial. He just says obvious things and he misses obvious things too.

If you are a streaker and you aren't nude, you're not a streaker

If you're a streaker and you're not nude, you're not a streaker. You are an enemy combatant... If you just interrupt the game and you're wearing pants, you're not a streaker. That's stolen valor.

Las Vegas will host the Super Bowl once every two or three years

I think we're gonna be in a world where Vegas is gonna be hosting a lot more Super Bowls... If not every year, like it'll be once every two years or once every three years, it will get a more frequent rotation than any other stadium.