Takes

Drake's Degrassi reunion video was a calculated response to Pusha T's diss track

Drake decided that his response for the diss track basically coming at his entire livelihood... was to just do a video from his childhood acting days. Big Degrassi reunion.

The Colts are favorites to finish second in the AFC South behind the Jaguars

the Colts, just in general, are back this year. I think you've got to pencil them in as favorites to come in second in that division behind the Jaguars.

Pusha T killed Drake in their rap beef

So Pusha T killed Drake. Yes. Drake cannot stop. He's still going to come out with an album. We'll probably have some subtle shots, but I don't think he's going to come out with a full-on diss track.

You can't fire an FBI agent for breakdancing

You can't fire someone for feeling a dance circle. If you've ever been at a wedding, any kind of party, there's nothing more awkward than a dance circle where no one goes in. So this guy had to go in. He did an unbelievable move.

No two nations that have McDonald's have ever had a war against each other

No two nations that have McDonald's have ever had a war against each other. Please credit Pardon My Take. Please credit us for inventing that economic principle.

Melania Trump's absence is a genius way to control the media narrative

I hope she's just it actually is genius. If I could totally see like President Trump being like, let's just have Melania never be shown in public again. Just so there's always like a conspiracy theory in my back pocket that can take like take control of the media narrative at any point.

Johnny Manziel is in it for the long haul in the CFL

[Johnny Manziel] signed with the CFL. He's going to the Canadian Hamilton Tiger-Cats... I think he's in it for the long haul.

Predicts Prince Harry and Meghan Markle will get divorced

I saw a lot of people tweeting like, oh, my God... they love each other. I can't wait for them to get divorced. It's going to be awesome. I hope she takes them for all of Sussex.

A Chrissy Teigen and John Legend divorce would melt down Twitter

Chrissy Teigen and John Legend. It would be incredible. It's like sometimes I sit up at night being like, if they got divorced, I think I'd stay up for a week straight on a meth binge just looking at Twitter and getting high off that.

Riley Curry is a fraud for not facing the media after a loss

My problem with Riley [Curry] is she's always the first one to show up after a big win, and she never steps to the podium and faces the music after a loss... Like a fucking coward. Like a fraud. Riley Curry's a fraud.

Millennials are saving the frozen food industry

Frozen food is also back. So a lot of people bash us millennials and say we're only good for avocados and things of that nature. But it turns out that millennials are saving the frozen food industry.

Every crime drama can be successful with just interviews and aerial drone shots

We need to do a crime drama because essentially all you have to do is interview a couple like FBI or ATF guys and then mix in a shitload of drone shots of where, around where it happened. Like, Making a Murderer, it was just half drone shots. Evil genius, half drone shots.

Albert Pujols is the best Angel of all time

3,000 hit club, Albert Pujols, Los Angeles Angels. Probably the best angel of all time, right? [PFT:] Angel for life. [Big Cat:] Move on. Best angel going into Cooperstown with that bronze angel hat.

Every draft grade list should be required to give at least one F

Mel Kiper's grades are so fucking funny. He won't give anyone an F, which is bullshit. Like, if you do grades, you should have to give at least one F. You should have to.

I will eat one bite of horse shit if the Capitals beat the Penguins

I think you should have to eat shit if they beat the Penguins. Agreed. Just one bite. I'm not saying... Just one bite. Everyone knows the rules. ... Caps beat the Penguins. We're going to Central Park, and PFT's going to eat some shit. Just one bite.

Andre Iguodala has regressed mightily and is now a washed-up bum

I also am going to put a little tickler file on Andre Iguodala being a washed-up bum. He passed up maybe the most wide-open three-pointer today, and my alerts went off in my brain, like, this guy's a bum now... Iguodala's actually regressed mightily. I'm like, well, guess what? Big Cat saw him pass up that 1-3. He got the bum tag.

Derek Jeter will not last five years as Marlins owner

I'm being told by some other people I know in baseball... We don't think Jeter lasts the five years. We think that the owners and investors have a pressure on him.

Russell Westbrook is LeBron James's motivation for getting triple-doubles

Skip Bayless is basically saying that LeBron James just started to get triple doubles because he saw all the attention that the media was paying to Westbrook, and not because he's really good at basketball or anything.

The Timberwolves will upset the Rockets or Warriors if they make the playoffs

I got a take that if the Timberwolves make the playoffs, they're going to upset someone. Either the Rockets or the Warriors.

There is a 0% chance the falling Chinese satellite hits me

There's 0% chance the Chinese satellite hits me. Okay. 0% chance. I'm just saying. I'm not scared.

Sergio Garcia will choke in the big moments of The Masters

Sergio, I think this ship has sailed for him. He chokes every time he's in a big moment. It's Tiger. You know, it's a mental thing at this point. The second he hears Tiger sneaking up on him... he's going to melt down.

Shark Week sucks until they show a shark eating a human being

Until they show me a shark eating a human being, I will not watch Shark Week... I still think I saw through the fraud of Shark Week... they told me they found Megalodon and they got me all wet and didn't fuck me.

I believe the guy who claims to be Bill Clinton's son

He's definitely Bill Clinton's son... I've seen the tweets. The story adds up. I've done the research.

This is Tom Izzo's final year coaching at Michigan State

One of my who's backs is, this is Coach Izzo's swan song. I'm just going to say it. This is his final year.

Duke is 100% guaranteed to win the 2018 National Championship

We all know that Duke's winning the national championship, so we don't have to worry about that. Play one shining moment right now. Yes, it's over.

Bet the favorite in the second half if they are losing at halftime

If a favorite is losing in the first half, you just bet the favorite in the second half. That's it. I invented that last year.

Scouts will reasonably drop Shaquem Griffin in the draft because he only has one hand

I can't wait for people to get mad when he falls in the draft a little bit. Look, I think he's a good player, and he did well at the Combine, but he does not have one hand. So, like, I think... That's a fair criticism to throw out there. That doesn't mean that he's not going to be a good NFL player, but I think most scouts would probably say, I'd prefer two hands than one.

Kobe Bryant is the GOAT over LeBron and Jordan because he won an Oscar

Kobe Bryant, our supporter, just won an Oscar. MJ and LeBron trash. He's our GOAT. And this proves it. How many Oscars has LeBron and MJ won? That's right. Zero.

The Philadelphia sports winning streak will end when baseball season starts

I mean, I don't know when this run is going to cease. Probably baseball season. Hopefully. Definitely baseball season.

Justin Thomas is a 'pussy' for having a heckler kicked out

Your day's done. Had him kicked out. Had him kicked out. What a fucking dick. Which just means that hecklers are inside Justin Thomas' head, even though he won... What a little pussy that guy is.

Zaza Pachulia is the biggest threat to the NBA's health because he hurts superstars

The NBA is probably the healthiest league overall when you think about growth. Zaza Pachulia is the one thing that could break it all down because he just hurts people left and right... He hurt Kevin Durant, his own player. He hurt Kawhi, the Spurs... The guy is a menace.

Tim Tebow will play in the Major Leagues

Tim Tebow is back big time... their GM said that he thinks that Tim Tebow will play at the major league level. This is ridiculous. And you know what? Why not? If you're the Mets, I actually think it's borderline negligence that they haven't had Tim Tebow play in a major league game yet.

Tiger Woods getting a 'bad boy' warning from Trump is good for his street cred

Tiger Woods' bad boy status, when other men are saying, watch out for him, it's like Costanza putting on the Yankees jacket. It's like, you got to watch out... getting this back into circulation is good for his street cred. It's great.

I'm going to pretend it's summer for my mental health and start tanning on Tuesdays

I'm so fucking sick of winter... I've just decided I'm going to pretend that it's summertime. I'm going to get back into wearing Hawaiian shirts. I'm going to go tanning. Shorts are back... I'm going to go tanning on Tuesdays. I'm going to just be so far in denial of winter.

Winter Olympics athletes aren't that impressive; you just have to be born in the right place

The Winter Olympics are definitely the Olympics where you can sit there and if you watch it long enough, you can convince yourself you could have been an athlete in every single sport. It's not hard. It's just essentially like if you were born in a weird European country and they didn't have basketball yet, you would be a speed skater.

Tiger Woods will win at least one more Masters

We're now getting the Tiger Woods is going to win at least one more Masters takes. So I think that that means Tiger is like all the way back. When people are actually debating how many more Masters or, you know, championships you're going to win, I think that's exactly where Tiger is back.

George W. Bush is the Josh Allen of presidents

George W. Bush... America loves the guy now. He is back in a bit. He's got he's the Josh Allen of presidents. The longer he goes without playing well, the better he becomes. And the more he goes up people's big boards.

Zion Williamson is basically LeBron Jr.

They landed Zion Williamson, who's basically LeBron Jr., has the craziest mixtapes of him ever.

Zion Williamson has high school explosiveness, not NBA explosiveness

I'm going to squat on a Zion Williamson take. I'm going to say he doesn't have NBA explosiveness. Even though he has like a dunk video where he's just dunking. I'm going to say he has high school explosiveness, not NBA explosiveness.

Freddie Adu is back and American soccer is saved

Freddie Adu is back, and therefore U.S. soccer is back... News soon. Oh. Yeah. So he's back. He's the future. He is the future of American soccer.

Tom Izzo is overrated

Tom Izzo's overrated. Lost at home to Michigan. Can't do that... Tons of talent, and they are wildly underperforming.

Jeff Fisher is the best coach in football

All of [Jeff Fisher's] players are going to the NFC Championship game, and I love it because it just solidifies that Jeff Fisher is the best coach in football.

I will lose 15 pounds and weigh 225 by my birthday

I think I weigh about 240-ish... and I'm going to try to get to like 225 by my birthday. [February]. First, like, seven pounds come off by just me, like, not eating breakfast. So take a big dump, don't eat breakfast, boom.

The Big Ten won the bowl season

The first one is... the Big Ten. Won the bowl season. Many people are saying the Big Ten won the bowl season. Seven and one in bowls. And dominated, just dominated everyone.

The Celtics will win five championships after LeBron James leaves for the Lakers

[Gordon Hayward] is going to beat LeBron, then LeBron's going to leave, go to L.A., and Celtics are going to win, like, five championships.

The Rockets and Celtics will meet in the NBA Finals

Rocket Celtics calling it right now. [Warriors?] No. [The Rockets beat them] in seven.

Jeff Fisher is a quarterback whisperer

Jeff Fisher is back in a big way because all of his quarterbacks are shining right now... Jared Goff just killing out in L.A... Number two is Case Keenum. He's back. Nick Foles. Playing well... He's a quarterback whisperer. He's like Johnny Appleseed. He's just going around and he plants all his little quarterback seeds. And then in like, you know, three to four years when he gets fired. They all just sprout into big trees.

Macaroni and cheese is always an acceptable Thanksgiving side dish

By the way, the answer is yes, macaroni and cheese is always an acceptable side dish.

Wisconsin will beat Ohio State in the Big Ten Championship

I think Wisconsin could beat Ohio State. I really do. Halftime of the Michigan game, I was like, oh, fuck, but Wisconsin put it on them in the second half, and I was like, this defense can play with... hey, defense travels. I'm there. I'm going to enjoy these next two weeks where I'm like, it's just one game to get to the playoffs.

The Miami Hurricanes are officially back

As a team, Miami is officially, officially back. Now, Hank said it last week. The U. But they are now back.