Takes

Gardner Minshew is effectively the vaccine for COVID-19

My hot seat is the coronavirus. That's right. It's back on the hot seat because we've discovered a vaccine. And that's just being Gardner Minshew. Yeah. So Gardner Minshew tested positive and he said that the virus took one look at him and turn the other way.

The Rock buying the XFL is a staged WWE-style feud with Vince McMahon

I think that this is work. I think that I think that this is WWE. A situation where the rock but McMahon's baby from underneath them. And now it's going to be like a WWE style Feud which is what the XFL should be in the first place.

Big Ben Roethlisberger loves being the most injured person in the world

Big Ben is on my cool Throne because Big Ben no one likes to tell you how injured they are as much as Big Ben... from what I understand not three [ligaments], so he's flexing about who's three torn ligaments in his elbow.

LeBron James plays significantly worse on Tuesdays since starting the 'Taco Tuesday' era

He did a statistical analysis of every single LeBron James game played on a Tuesday night... he found out that pre Taco Tuesday he had win percentage that was 4% higher than normal... in the taco Tuesday era. It's minus 2 percent. So he's doing statistically way way worse trouble go on Tuesday nights because he's eating so many tacos.

Aaron Rodgers used tequila to cope with the Jordan Love draft pick

Aaron Rodgers... he said that when he found out that Jordan love got drafted he used some tequila to cope. So problem drinking. I thought he said that he likes Scotch. Yeah, so he's problem Joe. He's mixing his liquor shop and he was like, I need the hard stuff. I'm going to the tequila.

Apple purposefully throttles iPhone battery life when a new model is about to be released

My iPhone on Saturday started, like, rapidly losing battery, getting way overheated, and it's been crap the last few days. And then I Googled it because I was like, oh, I should probably get a new one. Oh, weird. iPhone 12 coming out soon. Oh, it's fucking every single time. I don't understand how they're able to get away with this.

Carmelo Anthony will dominate in the NBA Bubble because it mimics the Olympic Village environment

This is actually the perfect environment for Carmelo Anthony because when does he perform at his best? In the Olympics, right? When the athletes are confined to a certain type of village with each other living under the bubble... and this is exactly what's happening in Orlando.

Sports could save millions of lives by providing a model for solving COVID-19

Sports might save millions of lives. And this is definitely not just me talking insane because I haven't had any sports on TV... Because if you can test, if you have a test case and a model for how to solve it amongst a given population, you can expand that out.

The text exchange between 50 Cent and Will Smith about Jada's 'entanglement' was real

I would bet money that it was real... Because it's 50 Cent and he's absolutely reckless. He's reckless.

If a bear can use nunchucks, a gorilla can fly a Black Hawk helicopter

It turns out that bears actually can use weapons... If a bear can pick up a nunchuck, a gorilla can pick up a fucking rocket launcher. A gorilla would be able to fly like a Black Hawk helicopter if a bear is able to use these martial art weapons.

George Kittle should call himself a quarterback on Twitter to cash in on Mahomes money

George Kittle has said he will go to training camp no matter what... He should just change his position in his Twitter profile... He should just call himself a quarterback. Try to cash in on this Patrick Mahomes money.

Kim Kardashian has a better chance of being President than Kanye West

I actually do think that I don't think it's going to be Kanye. I would actually think that Kim [Kardashian] has a better chance of being pressed. Absolutely. In like five, ten years, 100%.

Larry David navigating the COVID-19 pandemic in Curb Your Enthusiasm will be amazing television.

Curb Your Enthusiasm got greenlit for an 11th season... I think Larry David—Corona is going to be amazing. The corona Larry David, like there's no better wheelhouse for that guy.

New York City will have an eerie and calm Fourth of July because people used up all the fireworks in June.

Right now people have bought up so many fireworks and used enough of them already that there's not going to be enough left over for the fourth, at least in New York City. First, it'll be like a calm-ish, calmer than normal Fourth of July in New York City, which should be—that'll be kind of eerie.

The Patriots will win 12 games this season with Cam Newton at quarterback.

I mean, we have Cam Newton now... how many wins do you think the Patriots will have this year? 12.

Retired sports legends should never take GM or front office jobs because they risk ruining their legacy.

If the Broncos are never good again under his [Elway's] watch, does he lose—that's why he never should take that type of job. I know he won one in the front office, but you could basically ruin it. You got to just kind of ride off into the sunset and be the legend and never take any risks with the organization again.

Ranking Lisa Ann at #94 on an all-time porn star list is disrespectful to her legacy as a game-changer.

Shyla Stylez at 354 and Lisa Ann at 94 is absolutely atrocious... Lisa Ann at 94, like the committee got that one wrong. That's awful. Even if you missed her heyday, you got to know that she meant something to the game, right? She changed the game, a hundred percent. I thought that was a little bit disrespectful.

Tom Brady is on the hot seat for leading workouts during the COVID-19 spike

Tom Brady is on the hot seat... despite the NFLPA advising that players should not work out together, Tom Brady led another Bucks workout this morning. Wow, in a state where coronavirus cases are spiking. He had nine players working out together.

Ben Roethlisberger's porn addiction admission is a genius move to distract from his real past

This was genius by him. Of course everything that he does is genius, right? Be like, I'm not talking about my real past. I'm talking about my porn. And yes, this is the androstenedione in the locker for Mark McGwire that Roethlisberger's bringing.

Chuba Hubbard's threat to sit out marks a major power shift in college football

When chubba came out and said that I'm not going to play and he's one of the best players in the country. When he came out and he said I'm not going to play unless some changes happen that to me was a major major shift in power in college football. Because people Because he said that his team was lined up behind him.

Stephanie Cmar will win Top Chef Season 17 because of the judge's reaction in the trailer

In the preview for the finale, they have Padma awarding the winner and saying congratulations you are top chef, but people have gone back and rewound it and they can tell by her inflection that she's genuinely surprised to be awarding it to this person. So now the internet is thinking the betting odds have shifted that it's going to be Stephanie... my money is on Stephanie.

Tom Brady in a Buccaneers jersey makes him look like a Sith Lord villain

Me personally I think that him in the Buccaneers Jersey makes him look like a total villain because it's just the color schemes like big like Sith Lord Vibes... he went from blue and red which is like you know like I feel like Synergy good Jedi and then it's like Sith Lord but that's just me.

I want to create a giant mutant species of bullfrog using CRISPR technology

So African bullfrogs really cool... he sells these Gene I think it's and it's for frogs. So he does it on like home lab frogs... we could This frog which is already giant. We could make it even bigger. if I were Jack Ewing... Can we just I am backing to make a mutant frogs Yeah, but it's totally legal with science.

The sighting of a white spirit bear in Canada is a sign of good things to come

Cool throne all of us because there was a white spirit bear spotted in Canada, which is a sign of good things to come. Yeah, so cool throne all of us. White bears are here. Yeah, like it's a phenotype of a Grizzly where it has white fur. Hell yeah.

Jameis Winston will be a Hall of Fame quarterback

Jameis Winston has told himself that he is one of the best quarterbacks... 'I know what I'm worth and I know day in and day out without publicly coming in and saying it that historically I'm one of the best quarterbacks to play the game.' ... Janice Winston has told himself that he is one of the best quarterbacks. According to history, Jamis is a hall-of-fame quarterback... Jameis Winston is going to be a Hall of Famer.

I could beat Jameis Winston in a boxing match

Watching him box—I actually think I could beat up Jameis Winston and I'm not a good boxer. Wow. He looks like a beginner out there... I hereby challenge Jameis Winston to fight me in Rough N' Rowdy... I'm a wide five-nine. I'm like a chode. My arms are longer than those of a five-nine man... If I fought Jameis Winston straight up, I'd just double leg him and take him down.

I will have the greatest gambling season of my life because of clovers in my new yard

I'm moving and I got a little patch of grass, shrubbery at the new place... Talk to the previous tenant, he said if you look close enough, there's a bunch of four-leaf clovers in there. So I'm about to have the greatest gambling season of my life.

Lenny Dykstra's reputation is so bad that it is now a legal asset

Lenny Dykstra, it was ruled by an actual court of law in the United States that you cannot libel Lenny Dykstra because his reputation is already so bad that you can't make it worse... He shot the moon with his reputation. It's become so bad that it's actually an asset.

Saying the word 'fuck' improves pain tolerance, so Philip Rivers should start cursing to win a Super Bowl

researchers found that saying the word fuck can improve your threshold for pain... when you say fudge or dang it or gosh darn it, it's worse... could you imagine what he would be like as a quarterback if he actually said fuck? ... Do you think if Phil Rivers starts cussing, then he wins a Super Bowl? Probably.

You get drunker drinking at home than you do at a bar with the same amount of drinks

I think you get drunker in your living room drinking alone or with friends than you do in a bar with the same amount of drinks. Like, I can have six beers in my living room, and I'll puke on myself, pee myself, and go to sleep. If I have six beers in a bar, it's like, okay, my night is one-tenth of the way done.

Roy Williams is only the second-best coach in the ACC

Roy Williams. Ty Lawson called him out. I mean, everyone knows Roy is a little bit suspect. It's not surprising. Second best coach in the ACC.

A golf match featuring OJ Simpson and Tiger Woods would be the highest-rated television show of all time

Tiger Woods and OJ Simpson as a team? Who is not watching that? I do believe that that would be the highest-rated television show of all time.

Outer Banks is essentially 'The OC' meets 'National Treasure'

What the fuck is Outer Banks, man, Hank? I started watching it. It's like how is this show? It's the OC meets National Treasure. How is this show popular?

Jameis Winston's unorthodox off-season training (baseball, boxing) will work because playing actual football is what's bad for him

Jameis Winston. He is practicing football by practicing baseball. And I feel like that's going to work. He's just in that phase of his career where he's going to just do everything that's not football to get better at football because playing football is bad for him. I think this is going to work for him.

The LeBron vs. MJ debate has evolved into whether LeBron would be a better #2 than Scottie Pippen

LeBron James has been Quoted as saying that he would like to have played with MJ not against them... now the debate has shifted to would LeBron James be a better number two than Scottie Pippen is. So now we're comparing that now we're saying would LeBron be a better number two than Scotty was to Jordan.

I will sweep PFT 4-0 in our Thursday game

4 o'clock on Thursday. You can see, probably going to be a 4-0 sweep, so make sure you sweep it early because it's going to be over early. ... 4-1 or better. [Or] I'll do a show with no shirt on.

Lacrosse is the sport of the future

My cool throne is lacrosse, sport of the future. Yep. Paul Rabel figured out betting, so they're doing an event in the summer. People are going to be able to bet on it.

Sammy Watkins is in a cult

My cool throne is Sammy Watkins being in a cult. ... As we've been speculating, we've been squatting on the take that Sammy Watkins is in the cult for like the last three years on the show. Sammy really... talked about all the weird stuff. ... So now he's happy that he's in a cult.

Darren Rovell is dangerously wrong for claiming NFL players get CTE with near certainty

Darren Rovell is here. All players will sign. (Parentheses. They already get CTE with near certainty). ... How about the simple fact that we can't diagnose CTE in living people yet? So to say anything with near certainty would be completely wrong and dangerous.

Elon Musk naming his kid a symbol will force teachers to learn code

Teachers are on the hot seat because this is going to start a trend amongst the nerd people community. Be like, oh, we don't even have to name our kids real names. We can just do symbols and codes. And so imagine being a teacher and getting an attendance sheet and being like, hey, Sam, Joe, X AE A-12.

If you don't believe aliens exist, you are an idiot

if you don't think that aliens exist your fucking moron. What does it like that seems like such an obvious thing. I guess. He's more passionate about it, but I would say the people who are like, oh, yeah, there's no aliens there there the idiots.

Data visualization designers and bow tie manufacturers are thriving during the pandemic

I actually think bow ties are getting a big boom because every time I turn on CNN, there's a fucking weirdo doctor... what do they do wear a bow tie. The people who are making the the gifts of like, you know, like the spread of coronavirus the charts. It's got to be off the charts for them right now.

The NBA will never play again in 2020

I don't think they're going to play again ever. I heard a nasty rumor today... I've canceled sports for 2020 you guys got mad at me for that.

College football will not happen in 2020

College football's not happening. I don't think it is until the spring. How can you make kids who are not getting paid go and play if there's a pandemic?

Digging up old draft prospect tweets is the lamest thing you can do

I actually think there's nothing lamer than plotting ahead and trying to fuck up the biggest night of somebody's life because they had some weird tweets... if you're 13 and you're not tweeting out crazy stuff, you're not taking enough chances.

The 49ers and Bears saved lives by not winning the Super Bowl or drafting Mahomes

My cool throne is the Niners because they saved lives by not winning the Super Bowl... the Bears saved all the lives by not drafting Mahomes because it was funny. Chicago would never celebrate anything ever. Tear down the Jordan statue.

I will bike around the perimeter of Manhattan in under 3 hours and 15 minutes

The perimeter of Manhattan, it's a about a three-hour bike ride. Okay. Now there are some places. I don't know which streets to take exactly. So I'm going to I'm going to give myself three hours 15 minutes. Okay to get around the island of Manhattan.

NBA owners should marry their players to circumvent the salary cap

Could an owner theoretically marry a player in order to circumvent the salary cap? It's actually brilliant, isn't it? I don't think any holes in that... Michael Jordan could probably adopt his son or he could just have a son play and just write more and more into the will every year.

Dude Perfect is responsible for the coronavirus because their trick shot gong was made in Wuhan

I'm putting Dude Perfect on the hot seat. I don't know if you've seen them recently, but they were showing off the gong that they have in their Dude Perfect warehouse... and it says proudly made in Wuhan right on the big gong there. So many people are asking is Dude Perfect responsible for the stuff that's going on the world.

The Buffalo Bills are now the favorites in the AFC East with Brady gone

Another bonus cool throne is the Buffalo Bills because now that Tom Brady's out the division, I think you have to say that the bills are hills country... they might be favored to win.