Takes

The Domino's Pizza Tracker is fake

My hot seat is the Domino's tracker... Some big J journalist, independent journalist, went in, did some research, and was like stalking, would put in an order, and would follow the restaurant, follow the driver, and make sure that the tracker was up to date. And it's not. No. He foiled it. He foiled Domino's.

I am sick of The Rock posting relatable cheat meals while he's in peak physical condition

I'm putting The Rock on my hot seat because I'm sick of him posting his cheat meals. Being like, look how relatable this is, guys. I don't know if you noticed this, but like every month, Rock will post a huge pancake or something. And be like, damn, look at this cheat meal I'm about to devour. Being like, everyone out there, you know what it's like to eat like shit. Yeah, Rock, we eat like shit every fucking day. You're not cool because you eat a big pancake once every 30 days and you can deadlift 1,000 pounds and you spend your life in a fucking gym.

USA Rugby Sevens will be in striking distance of first place going into the Paris tournament

The point is that this is the penultimate. So it's the second to last tournament. If we're in striking range going into Paris. We already are. We're in first. Which is the last leg. I might pull a Hong Kong and just fly over to Paris. ... I'm going to say it right now. We'll be in fucking striking distance because I have faith in our boys.

Magic Johnson is a master of the media and spinning narratives

Can we just for a second note that Magic Johnson is a master of the media? Like, I know he's been getting dragged for a lot of things... but the guy can spin any spin zone. He went on First Take. He basically gets Stephen A. Smith on his side all like two hours before Rob Pelinka has to announce Frank Vogel as the new head coach and basically bringing up the fact that Frank Vogel was their sixth option. So Magic Johnson, hats off to you.

NCAA Football is the greatest video game of all time

NCAA video game is back. Well, maybe back. NCAA formed a committee to bring back the NCAA football game. And this is the greatest news I think that has ever happened in my life. Because that game is the best game ever.

The 2019 Browns have high talent but are destined for heartbreak

In my opinion, they definitely have the most talent inside their entire division, if not one of the top two or three in the AFC. And I hope that they do really well, but I've been watching the NFL for long enough to know that when you're certain of something being good, that's when it's going to be bad.

Larry Fitzgerald is a 100% lock for the first-ballot Hall of Fame

There's never been more of a lock for Hall of Fame than Larry Fitzgerald. He will be 100% first vote.

An asteroid hitting Earth would be a better way for humanity to end than climate change

Thinking about what the alternative is, is just cooking ourselves alive in the next 200 years. Asteroid, not that bad... I just want the asteroid to hit us. Boom, done.

Duke will have the #1 recruiting class and Matthew Hurt will be their next star white player people hate

Number one recruiting class. They got Vernon Carey Jr. And everyone likes to root against the white guy that's a high recruit at Duke. Matthew Hurt is the guy. Have you seen pictures of this kid? ... Duke's back.

Ant-Man will defeat Thanos by crawling up his butt and expanding

Either Ant-Man's going to crawl up in [Thanos's] butt and expand, like we said on the show, or he's going to get defeated using logic and reason by fact-checking super reporter Clark Kent.

Robbie Gould will quit football if he isn't traded back to the Chicago Bears

Robbie Gould, I think, is demanding—I think he's essentially demanding that he will quit football if he doesn't get to be a Bear again. ... I'm all for it when it helps the Bears especially with how bad they the Bears have three kickers right now on their roster.

Odell Beckham Jr. is genuinely happy to be in Cleveland and away from Eli Manning

Odell Beckham Jr. because he wants everyone to listen he is totally happy in Cleveland... Odell Beckham is probably just happy he's away from Eli Manning. He truly actually is happy that he doesn't have to play with Eli Manning anymore.

The Chargers will never win a Super Bowl in their Baby Blue jerseys

They're never going to win a Super Bowl in the Baby Blues, but it looks great. I'm done believing in the San Diego Chargers.

Daniel Jones will be the second quarterback taken in the 2019 NFL Draft

Daniel Jones from Duke, 6'5", 220, 6'5". John Elway just took off his pants, is rocketing up the mock drafts... But he might be the second guy taken.

Archie Manning is behind the Daniel Jones hype to protect Eli Manning's job

Very clearly Archie Manning [is behind this] because the Manning family is fucking in love with Duke's coach [David Cutcliffe]... And this guy is just somebody that's been around Peyton and Eli for long enough that Archie's like, he's my third boy... He knows how to keep this guy under control and not be good enough to take Eli's job for at least five years.

LeBron is struggling to find co-stars for Space Jam 2 because players don't want to deal with him

He's having a very hard time recruiting co-stars to join the movie... Giannis denied him said he doesn't he doesn't like being Hollywood... they're worried about if they go to the movie then they're gonna have to potentially play with him on his team.

The Masters deserves all the hype it gets and cannot be overhyped

You can't overhype the Masters. Take your microphone off. That's a bad take. The Masters deserve all the hype.

Patrick Reed's Masters menu is what a 14-year-old thinks an adult dinner looks like

This menu really is like what a 14 year old would think an adult's menu looks like. He basically was forced to be like well I like steak and and I don't really like anything else I like macaroni and cheese I'm surprised chicken fingers weren't on here.

Tiramisu is an overrated dessert

The dessert is weird. It's tiramisu. Tiramisu is overrated, by the way.

Tom Izzo is overrated until he wins a second title

Tom Izzo himself is on board the Tom Izzo is overrated bandwagon. He said that he needs another title to validate his time there as a head coach. Okay, so I'm going to consider that a win for myself. And if he wins this year, then guess what? I'm taking him off my overrated list.

LeBron James drinks enough wine to equal 70 cigarettes a week

LeBron James because a study just came out that a weekly bottle of wine is as bad as smoking 10 cigarettes. And for LeBron, that's like 70 cigarettes because he drinks a bottle every night.

Gar Foreman and John Paxson are the idiots in the room now that Ernie Grunfeld is fired

Gar Foreman and John Paxson because now they are the idiots in the room. So it's like you never want to be the last to leave a party. They are the dum-dums. And you could always say, well, it's not Ernie Grunfeld. Well, guess what? Now Ernie Grunfeld's gone, so you are on the hot seat.

This is the end of the Golden State Warriors dynasty

The Warriors are on the hot seat because the Warriors are breaking up... Steve Kerr is sick of Draymond's shit. Now, I don't know if that was actually what he was talking about, but it's clear the Warriors have... I feel like this is it. This is it. This is the end. Don't you?

Urban Meyer will do media for a year then return to coaching at USC or Notre Dame

Urban Meyer's health... seems like he's healthy... This is perfect, though, because it's just the Urban Meyer playbook. He's going to do media for a year and then be like, I hate this so much because it means that he has to talk and smile, two things he's not capable of doing, and then he's going to go back and coach... boom, USC next head coach or Notre Dame.

All porn history will be public knowledge within 10 years

I'm very long woke on the fact that eventually all of our porn history is going to come out. Within 10 years, you're going to know what kind of porn your president watches.

The Giants are crazy for letting Landon Collins walk for nothing

My hot seat is the New York Giants. So they won't franchise tag Landon Collins. They're going to let him walk. The guy who's 25 years old, made three Pro Bowls, seems to be like the heart of the locker room. So the Giants are letting him walk. And essentially, I think the Giants' plan is to just keep paying Eli forever.

I guarantee the Virginia Cavaliers will make the Elite Eight

I have decided that I'm going to take the Virginia Cavaliers for real. I'm guaranteeing an Elite Eight appearance. Because they'll get a one seed... they'll get a one seed, and I think Duke will get a one seed, and the only team that can beat him is Duke.

The Virginia Cavaliers will lose to a 16-seed again

The Harvard of the South is not in a position to win anything this postseason... They'll lose to a 16. I'm a big trends guy, and right now in their last one, the Cavaliers are 0 for 1 against 16th seeds.

The world will be completely over in 150 years

I am 100% one of those people now that thinks the world's going to be done in 150 years. ... People who are saying we'll figure it out, it's too late. We have not figured it out.

The world will be over in 15 years

I think take away the zero [from 150 years]. Oh, 15. ... [The world's] done.

The word 'thick' is officially cancelled because Trey Wingo used it

My hot seat this week is thick. ... I'm actually canceling thick. Because Trey Wingo, he caught wind of it. ... the fact that Trey used a double C, it was like watching Darren Rovell kill 69 jokes in real time.

James Dolan will eventually find a way to ruin a Kyrie Irving and Kevin Durant pairing

You know what I'm really excited for? To see how James Dolan can fuck up Kyrie Irving and KD together. Yeah, that's never going to work.

NBA dads are correct that traveling is no longer called in the league

My cool throne is dads. Because we're all in agreement now that traveling is no longer called in the NBA. So, dads, you were right. They don't call it anymore. It was a gather step, bro. No, it was five steps... There were three gather steps, and then there were two more steps.

The Lakers will miss the NBA playoffs this season

The Los Angeles Lakers, if the playoffs started today, would not be in it. They'll be three games out after tonight's loss to the Hawks... LeBron [James] out of my arm. I don't want to miss the playoffs. Rondo hit the game winner, and it was like, well, problem solved. The Lakers are okay. And then they're out of the playoffs right now.

Matthew Stafford will own major passing records and still be considered a bad quarterback

Matthew Stafford is going to be a real problem for the NFL Hall of Fame. when he plays 10 more years and has every record and is the shittiest quarterback of all time. Matthew Stafford was basically the most perfect, terrible quarterback to come along and play as much as he is. If he plays for like 10 more years, he will have every record.

The Jets will sign Antonio Brown and Le'Veon Bell but still win only six games

This is going to be just the Jets getting Antonio Brown in, Le'Veon Bell, and then still winning six games, right? Yes. Because that's going to be... It's going to be so funny.

The Bitcoin exchange CEO who reportedly died with the passwords is not actually dead

There's no way he's dead, right? There hasn't been a good fake death in a while... He is living it high with, he's probably fucking whales with John McAfee in wherever the hell they are.

LeBron James clearly tampered with Anthony Davis

Anthony Davis and LeBron James had dinner together. Wouldn't that seem kind of perfect that they waited about a month after their dinner for Anthony Davis to demand a trade? ... LeBron James probably doesn't have to pay an agent's fee. He probably owns part of Clutch Sports. And guess what? Anthony Davis is going to go to the Los Angeles Lakers... LeBron James completely tampered here.

I will not view the Lakers with Anthony Davis as a real team

I'm going to say something right now. It's bullshit, and I will not let it stand... I will not view the Los Angeles Lakers with Anthony Davis as a real team. Asterix on all of it.

You have to be a world-class dumbass not to tamper in the NBA

I would say that you'd have to be a world-class dumbass not to tamper in the NBA. If you're not tampering, you are dumber than a pile of rocks.

Jerry Jones should hire Tony Romo as the Cowboys head coach

I think that Tony Romo would be a great coach... because we would get the chance to see Tony Romo blow more fourth quarter games... And Jerry Jones will never fire him. No, make it happen, Jerry.

Drew Lock is an alpha male because he gave a reporter double finger guns and a wink

Drew Lock also had the most masculine moment of all time during his press conference today... Reporters were asking him questions. They started asking him how important it is to get his lower body into his throws. And in the middle of the question, he gave him the double finger guns and the wink... This dude is an alpha.

I successfully recruited Carmelo Anthony to the Chicago Bulls

It took five years, but I have gotten Carmelo Anthony to the Chicago Bulls. Congratulations. Thank you. We're going to wave him, and he's never going to play for the Bulls. But I did recruit him in the summer of 2014... last laugh, me.

The cold weather in Kansas City favors the Chiefs over the Patriots in the AFC Championship.

My hot seat is the New England Patriots. Because it is going to be 5 to 10 degrees in Kansas City... It favors the Kansas City Chiefs. This is their home field. The Patriots, I don't know if they can do it in the cold. We'll see about that.

Drake jinxes teams publicly and then bets against them to profit privately

Drake, is he the best gambler in the world? Because he basically wears the clothing of the team and then bets against them. And it always works in his way. So he wears Kentucky clothes, or he says he's an Alabama fan, and then he bets against them in the big game and cashes his tickets.

Vikings GM Rick Spielman's game day routine is absolute insanity

Rick Spielman... eats the same breakfast sandwich: fried egg, bacon, and peanut butter on a wheat round. He shaves the left side of his face, then the right. He puts his shoes and socks on before his pants. Leaves his house at the same time so he can arrive at the stadium at 8... uses the same pump, and makes sure always to end his purchase on a zero. Zeros are just good.

You should be allowed to walk your dog in just boxers and slippers before 9 AM

If you have a dog and it's before 9 a.m., you should be able to walk on the street in just boxers... boxers and slippers. And people can't say anything. It's the dog walking rule.

I actually like Carrie Underwood's 'Game On' Sunday Night Football song now

I have maybe been tweeting about that from weeks one through 14, and then week 15... I just started singing it, and I was like, you know what? I give up. I like this song now.

There should be no preseason or first-month polls in college sports

There should be no polls until like two months into the season anyway. There should be no preseason polls. There should be no first-month polls in college basketball or college football. Take the bias out.

Gen Z is ruining the reputation of millennials

Gen Z should get more crap on the internet than millennials... Gen Z is 1995 to 2008... You guys are the ones who are actually fucking everything up because you guys are like the 18-year-olds, the bratty 18 to 22-year-olds... You're the ones who are fucking it up for the millennials. You're giving us a bad name.