Takes

Ben Simmons is the 'Floss God' for stealing $203 million without playing

I'm very close though to flipping and being like Ben Simmons the king of stealing money from teams. He's the Floss God. He's getting, I looked it up, $203 million. He just doesn't play. Good for him. I think I've flipped on him. He's first team money earner in America.

Picking someone up from the airport in a big city is a psychotic move

In New York, it's, it's borderline psychotic for somebody to volunteer to pick someone up from an airport... Instead of me paying an Uber fare, can you pay double an Uber fare? Right. To have somebody else drive you to pick me up.

UConn's tournament dominance is due to playing non-conference opponents with more freedom of movement

I think the [Big East] is like a cage match every single night. But we built this team for tournament play with an eye on being successful against non-conference opponents where there's a little bit more freedom of movement. The games are a little bit less physical and there's more of a premium on having three-point shooting.

I drink mushroom coffee with MCT oil before games for a mental advantage

About 90 minutes before game I tip off, I go mushroom coffee with a little MCT brain octane into the coffee, just to get that extra advantage over whoever I'm coaching against. And then during the game I'll go in a bulletproof mentalist blend with that Bye drink.

UConn's program was a mess academically and behaviorally when I first arrived

I took that job at UConn and like, it was a disaster, man. I mean like, like talent, like the way these guys were, were, were moving on campus at like, academics behavior. It was so far away from like, anything you could win with, it's just everything was a mess.

Miami is the biggest threat to UConn because they have been better in crunch time

How does UConn not win this Final Four? Because they haven't been in a close game yet and Miami has been tremendous in crunch time.

Drinking your own piss once a month provides long-term health benefits

I drink my own piss at least once a month. It's supposed to help long-term health benefits. I haven't been sick yet... when you think about it, your lower digestive system gets a lot of piss going through it. But your upper doesn't really get the taste of that.

Drinking your own pee is necessary to recycle supplements and vitamins

You know when you take a lot of vitamins and supplements? They come out in your pee a lot. Well you gotta drink your pee to get the supplements back that you lose. Once a month me and my buddies play piss pong.

The amount of cocaine used per capita in the Final Four cities is the highest in the country

I would say that there's probably more per capita cocaine done in all four of these areas. Because you've got Miami, you've got Boca, you've got San Diego... And then also a lot of rich people in Connecticut doing blow.

Drew Timmy is the best player on the planet

Drew Timmy has become [the] best fucking player on the planet. Every single time he wants the score, he scores.

Tom Izzo is not overrated

Is Tom Izzo overrated? [PFT: Yeah]. Here's not He's ready to, he's not. He's not. But he, but we did get a little salty Tom Izzo after he said that they had some lucky shots.

UConn might be the best looking team in the tournament so far

UConn might be the best looking team in the tournament so far. Overall start, start to finish every game. They have in complete games, they have dominated their opponents.

Marquis Noel is the best individual performance I've ever watched in the tournament

It was the best game I've ever watched in my life out of a single player. Like you can, you can point to other individual performances in the tournament... but the way that he took over the entire court was unreal.

I predict Marquis Noel will have a 15-year career in Europe

I actually predict that he will, he's gonna have like a 15 year career in Europe and he's gonna play for a team in every single country basically.

I hate the idea of the Eagles signing Ezekiel Elliott

I fucking hate Ezekiel Elliott. [Hank: Clip it].

The NFL salary cap is not real

The Saints have been in and out of Cap Hell so many times in the last five years. Every year it's like, well, nope. Cap Hell coming up for the Saints. The salary cap is not real. It doesn't exist.

The NFL salary cap is just an honor system

Every single time anyone says anything about the cap, I'm like, well, they'll just cut a couple players and do some weird contracts... it seems to me like the cap is just like an honor system thing.

The overs are back in March Madness because of the bad publicity regarding shooting

Overs back. Yeah. Overs are back. Because I big brained it. I was like March Madness saw all the bad publicity... they're gonna see all the bad publicity about shot making. They're gonna loosen up these fucking rims.

Lakers fans are just bandwagon fans

Fuck the Lakers dude. Every time they had fucking playoff games, no one will come out. Could be up three-nothing in the first round as a one seed. And people are like, 'wow, they're such fucking bandwagon fans.' Fuck all of them.

The 1991 UNLV team threw their game against Duke to keep it close

I think they [UNLV] threw that game. I think they threw it to make it close and then Duke was like close enough to win.

Alex Rodriguez never earned his pinstripes because he only padded stats in blowout games

Did A-Rod earn pinstripes? Oh no. Not even for 2009. No. He got all his numbers. All his stats came in like blowout games.

Giancarlo Stanton has not lived up to being a Yankee

What about Giancarlo? Does he have his pinstripes? Stanton? No. He plays shitty. He's never lived up to it. He never lived up to that concept.

Brett Gardner earned his pinstripes through hustle

Brett Gardner... everyone's like 'Brett Gardner pinstripes.' Like that's just because he hustles, he plays the right way. Yeah, definitely pinstripes. He earned them.

Baseball is meant to be played during the day

Daytime baseball, it's perfect. It's, it's, you know, you can get a little nap in the fourth inning, wake up in time... and then everyone gets out and goes to the bars.

LeBron James is a better Laker than Kobe Bryant

I started just doing a bit that LeBron is the best Laker of all time. And I had like my top fives and Kobe wasn't on it. [Ari: Kobe's the sixth best]. Yeah. It was like Nick Van Exel. It was like Shaq. So all these like... Will Chamberlain, Kareem, Magic, I'll give Worthy. And then LeBron.

Zion Williamson's injury issues are annoying because he just won't play

I'm a Pelicans fan... followed them. And Zion just won't play. He just won't play. It's annoying. He's not fragile. It's a different injury every time.

I probably have seven years left to live

My hands fucking shake. I've done too many drugs so I probably got seven years left. Either an OD's gonna take me or one of those fucking heart attacks that leaves me fucking spoonfed.

I won't buy a golf bag until I break 130

I'm building myself up like a video game character in golf where I'm not allowing myself to get a golf bag until I break 130. That means that I'm carrying around a full set of clubs whenever I go to golf anywhere... I've literally taken a belt and I've wrapped it around my golf clubs and tightened it to keep them all together.

Dentists are a scam

Dentists are a scam. You don't have a cavity until somebody tells you you have a cavity. People don't go to the dentist when their teeth are feeling great.

Only two people in the room statistically have cancer

Statistically only like two of us in this room have cancer. [Big Cat: That's a bummer].

The St. Louis Cardinals lost America the World Baseball Classic

The St. Louis Cardinals have lost America. I mean, Paul Goldschmidt just hitting into a double play when we had a little rally going... if we're doing the blame, I think I'd start with those guys. Get some hits in some big moments and maybe we can be sitting here bragging about the US being the best in baseball.

The Los Angeles Angels were the biggest losers of the World Baseball Classic

I felt really the big loser of tonight was the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim because... that last at-bat... Shohei Ohtani striking out Mike Trout... these two guys right now, two of the best baseball players to ever play the sport.

UCLA will beat Gonzaga in the Sweet 16

I'm going with the Bruins because they're defensively, I think they're in line even without [Jaylen] Clark. And to me, as good as Gonzaga is, I don't trust their back court. And I do trust Tiger Campbell.

Take $500,000 over a dinner with Jay-Z

[$500,000]. Because most likely Jay-Z has said it a million times in various different ways. So it would be like me saving $500,000 just to spend two days looking at every single interview he's ever done... why do I need to listen to him? I could save $500,000.

I would rather watch March Madness 100 times out of 100 over the WBC

If you tell me, would you rather watch World Baseball Classic or March Madness? I'd say March Madness a hundred times out of a hundred times.

MLB should play 140 games and hold the WBC every year

Why don't they play 140 games, Major League Baseball season, and then we can have a World Baseball Classic every year and you can expand the tournament. I'd be down for that. That would be cool.

Stan Musial invented the fist bump

I learned something the other day. I don't know if you guys heard this. Do you guys know who invented the fist bump? Stan Musial invented the fist bump. How crazy is that?

Miami will upset Houston and make the Final Four

Hot Take Miami can beat them. Ooh. And I'm gonna be the one guy that picks Miami to win... Miami is a bad matchup for Houston... I am going to go out on a limb and pick them. Wow. Because I think I, I don't trust Houston's offense.

Nick Saban's 'wrong place, wrong time' comment was a direct shot at Nate Oats

Nick Saban has just suspended freshman defensive back, Tony Mitchell... and Nick Saban said everybody's got an opportunity to make choices and decisions. There's no such thing as the wrong place at the wrong time. Seemed like a direct shot at Nate Oats for using the wrong place, wrong time excuse for Brandon Miller.

John Calipari and Kentucky should part ways

Cal at Kentucky has run its course. It's run its course. I think for both sides it might be best for their best versions of themselves going forward to not be together.

Roger Goodell is actually awesome at his job despite everyone hating him

For everything that he has hated for and he's hated for a lot... he does an incredible job. It's like he was designed in a lab just to absorb blows and make a shitload of money for the NFL. And he's done both, like basically the best you could possibly do.

UConn will win the National Championship

My national champion... is the Connecticut Huskies... There was something I saw from UConn last week and that made me say they could do it. I'm gonna take UConn.

Lamar Jackson won't sign a new contract until after the NFL Draft

I think Lamar's gonna, I think it's gonna go, I think Lamar we're not gonna get anything until after the draft. He's gonna just keep going... then whoever misses out on a quarterback in the draft, will then be like, okay, now we will sign this offer sheet because also then you get to use your draft pick this year.

Kevin Harlan is approaching GOAT status as a broadcaster

Kevin Harlan is, he is, he's, he's getting into like, I mean he's almost goat status. Like every game that you hear him call it feels like a big game. He's got a big voice.

St. John's will make the NCAA Tournament in Rick Pitino's first year

I think, and we can revisit this a year from now, I think they will have found a way to make the NCAA tournament... I really believe that.

Parents should buy a share of stock that matches every toy they buy their kids

Buy him a little Caterpillar truck, right? Buy him a share in Caterpillar. Ooh. And then show him what that truck is equal to... Buy him a share in maybe Disney and a Disney product that he likes... he's gonna start to understand [finance].

Rick Pitino will get St. John's to a Final Four before he retires

Rick Pitino in the Final Four will happen at some point again before he calls it quits.

Michigan State will beat Kansas State because you cannot bet against Tom Izzo in the second weekend

I cannot bet against a man who lasts two times he's been in the second weekend, he's made the Final Four. Who in 28 years at the helm, he's made the second weekend in the NCAA tournament 15 times... I'm going with Michigan State, by the way.

Joey Hauser is the 'Brady Manek' of the 2023 NCAA Tournament

Joey Hauser is the Brady Manek of this NCAA tournament... sometimes when you have two great players like Vescovi and Zeigler are, are really good... but Hauser is just deliver[ing].

Texas will make the Final Four

My fourth Final Four team... is Rodney Terry and Texas. And that goes back to right now Dylan Disu is playing as well as anybody. I mean, in two tournament games he's had 45 points and 20 rebounds. He's on another level right now.