Takes

Jimmy Garoppolo's date with a porn star was actually a charity auction win

The porn star won an auction, a charity auction, to spend an evening with Jimmy Garoppolo. So he was saving kids' lives by taking the porn star on a date. I don't know if this is true or not. In fact, it sounds exactly like something that you would make up to tell your girlfriend... I'm saying that what actually happened was the porn star paid a couple grand probably for a nice evening out on the town with a nice young quarterback.

It's better to be the backup quarterback of the Jaguars than the starter

It's better to be the backup quarterback of the Jacksonville Jaguars than the starting quarterback. He's not going to have all that stress, so he's not going to lose his hair as fast.

Brock Osweiler helped his teams by keeping the defense on the field

The Texans had a really good defense. And so Osweiler did a great job of keeping their best unit on the field. [Same with the Broncos]. Brock Osweiler knows how to have his team play to its strengths by always keeping the defense on the field.

Roger Goodell punishing Josh Gordon by not letting him play for the Browns is actually doing him a favor

Telling a player that your punishment is that you don't have to play for the Cleveland Browns is probably a little bit misguided. So, like, hey, good for Josh. He doesn't have to be a Brown.

Eddie Lacy is only signing with the Seahawks for a Skittles sponsorship

Lacey might just be angling for a Skittles sponsorship. So we saw Marshawn's locker. Maybe Marshawn's locker is still filled with Skittles, and Lacey was like, you guys don't even have to pay me as long as I can live in this locker.

Mike Glennon is going to be great and perfect for the Chicago Bears

Mike Glennon's gonna be great for the Bears he's gonna be perfect and he is exactly he's exactly who the Bears would get in this situation because when you look at all the Bears quarterbacks they all suck... you need the guy who half the city is like, I think he could be okay. And then the rest of the city is like, you guys are all idiots.

The 49ers having no quarterbacks is liberating for Kyle Shanahan's play-calling

If you don't have any quarterbacks on your roster, then there's no chance that Kyle Shanahan is going to be able to call too many passing plays late in a game that they're winning... Shanahan's just taking away his ability to throw the ball too much.

Calling Ryan Tannehill a game manager is a huge compliment

Ryan Tannehill, if you walk up to Ryan Tannehill, I'm like, hey, Ryan. Your game manager, he's got to say thank you, right? Yep. Absolutely. That's a great, great thing to be for Ryan Tannehill at this point in his career.

The NFL is a better place when the Dallas Cowboys are using cocaine

I think if you're a Dallas Cowboy, you should be allowed to do cocaine. I think that's one of the rules. The NFL is a better place when the Dallas Cowboys are using cocaine.

Concussions aren't real

But actually concussions aren't real. So I don't know what Tebow is trying to get out there. Little Tebow is not the kind of guy who pretends to believe in stuff that doesn't actually exist.

Rex Ryan got his lap band removed to win more games

Rex Ryan got his lap band out. And he said that it's because he won more football games as a fat guy... This is what happened here was Rob and Rex went out for Buffalo Wings like every single Sunday... and he was just sick of puking... I'm going to go through surgery just so I can eat some more.

Trent Richardson being cut is good because it starts his Hall of Fame eligibility clock sooner

Great news for Richardson. Now the clock can start on his five-year eligibility until he can get into the Hall of Fame. So he can get it in 2021 instead of 2022.

Trent Richardson is definitely taking steroids if he thinks he is a Hall of Famer

Pre-crime. Trent Richardson is going to be using steroids. I'd say it's a fair assumption. He obviously has not taken any performance-enhancing drugs... but he hasn't been taking PEDs [yet].

Robert Nkemdiche would be a Vine superstar if he landed on a beer pong table when he fell out of a window

If there was a beer pong table that [Robert Nkemdiche] landed on, he'd be a Vine superstar. If anything, he just did it a little too early.

Johnny Manziel going to the Denver Broncos makes sense

We're the first people that we heard say Johnny Manziel would make sense in Denver. And I think we're now proving it. Von Miller and Johnny Manziel getting their act together together.

Johnny Manziel can be saved by the Denver Broncos

Johnny Manziel can be saved by the Denver Broncos. Von Miller has been talking about Johnny Manziel going to the Broncos... I'm pretty sure a locker room that just won the Super Bowl is going to be like, Johnny, don't fuck around. More importantly, Denver... is known as Menver because it's like 75% dudes... Johnny won't have as much opportunity for the ladies in Menver.

Meth Johnny Manziel would be better than weed Johnny Manziel because you want him on edge

I would put meth Johnny Manziel over weed Johnny Manziel because weed would mellow him out too much... you want Johnny like on edge, right? You want him to be running around a little bit. The best plays that he had when he was in college were like, he was tweaking almost like he was just panicked.