Takes

I could last a two-minute shift in the NHL and score a goal by crashing the net

If we threw you out there, could you last a shift in the NHL? It's like two minutes, right? Yeah. I think I got that. I mean, yeah. I mean, for fighting for 30 seconds of this shift... maybe just crash the net, just get in front of them that, yeah. Push the goalie around and see, who's got the goalies back. It's a playoff goal.

The Maple Leafs will finally get over the playoff hump this year

I'm confident that they're going to be able to get over that edge this year... I've doubled down on my four skin challenge where I'm going to double down and you can chop my whole cock off and keep it if that fucking team can't make [a run].

Alex Ovechkin will pass Wayne Gretzky for the all-time goal record

I think he's going to pass Wayne Gretzky. I do. Cause if the league hasn't figured out how to stop that shot after how many years he's been in there... He can continue to do that for five years, right?

The Blackhawks will return to the playoff picture this year

I thought they were the most improved team over the off season... Taves took the whole year off he's back. You got Seth Jones and then Fleury... I think the Hawks are back in the playoff picture.

Florida and Colorado will meet in the Stanley Cup Final

Every time I go on a different show, I predict two different teams. Really sad veteran. Let's go with Florida and Colorado.

The Blackhawks will be back in the playoffs this year

I think [the Blackhawks] will be good. Seth Jones getting Marc-Andre Fleury for absolutely nothing... I think they'll be back in the playoffs this year. Let's say that.

Penguin meat would be a delicious treat because of their fat layer

I'm going to go with a penguin. Ooh. I would eat a penguin... And you admit though, like their diet gives them a nice layer of fat. Yeah. It's probably a delicious treat. Yeah. Right.

The Tampa Bay Lightning's back-to-back Cup wins is the second-best redemption arc in sports history behind UVA

The one thing that's nuts to think about, obviously everyone goes to the UVA, losing to UMBC, coming back and winning it all the next year... I think the Tampa Bay Lightnings might be right behind that because... [after being swept] they went and won back-to-back Stanley Cups.

The Tampa Bay Lightning are cheating by exploiting NHL salary cap rules

I do feel like we should take some time to point out the fact that the Lightning, the cap gymnastics on the part of the Lightning... I find one way to make an excuse out of my prediction of the Canadians winning. And that's just like putting all my eggs in the 'these guys cheat by exploiting the cap' basket.

The Montreal Canadiens are officially America's team

I think the Canadiens are now officially America's team. It feels like it's coming home. Is it coming home? It's coming home. It's coming home for the Canadiens.

The Colorado Avalanche were the greatest team to never win a Stanley Cup

The Avalanche were the greatest team to never win a Stanley Cup. Yep. I like that. I mean, lamed out... we were told the Avalanche were just going to shit-pump everybody.

The Montreal Canadiens aren't actually good, they just have a hot goalie

I think Montreal isn't good. They have an amazing goalie [Carey Price] who's hitting his stride at the right time... it's like they get goaltenders that get hot and then the magic of the Canadians jersey they end up winning games... the Canadiens will get into the probably final four and then just get shit pounded by Vegas or the Avalanche.

The 2021 Stanley Cup Final will be Tampa Bay vs. Colorado

I'm going Tampa, and I think the Avs end up getting it done against the Knights and then smoke the Canadians. And we're looking at Tampa, Colorado, and I think it'll be one of the best cup finals we've ever seen.

The NHL should suspend players for dirty hits but allow them back for one 'grudge' game

I think they should do this more often... suspend him for enough games where he can come back and then everyone can tune in to watch him have fights all night. I think the rule should be if you get suspended for a dirty hit in the playoffs, you should be forced to start the next game, skate one shift, and then after that point, your suspension begins.

John Tavares will be out for the remainder of the NHL playoffs

And also that John Tavares got hurt and is probably out. Do you think he's out for the playoffs? I would assume. I don't know.

The 2021 Stanley Cup Final will be the Colorado Avalanche vs. the Tampa Bay Lightning

Colorado and Tampa in the finals. So Tampa will be going for it back to back. I would say Colorado, Tampa, and that would be good for hockey. Two Southern markets in the United States thriving.

First-round overtime hockey is a grueling slog that uses up too much energy

What I don't like is first-round overtime hockey playoff games. Because you constantly think to yourself, you have so many more of these series to get through. And we're already playing extra hockey.

If you cannot fly, you do not count as a bird.

I know it's technically a bird, but if you can't fly, you're not a bird... That'd be like pointing at a bus and being like, look at that airplane. Just call penguins what they are. They're buses.

This is the Capitals' year to win the Stanley Cup again

I think it's the Caps year again. The Caps year, yeah. The only thing I'm struggling with is I'd like to incorporate Cap into a t-shirt for Caps year.

Tom Wilson is currently the NHL's apex predator because the league phased out goons

The problem is the NHL not having, they basically got like the goon, the goon is extinct in the NHL. The fighting has been phased out of the league. The big guys don't have a place anymore. Therefore, Tom Wilson is the toughest guy in the world and he beat the entire New York Rangers roster.

The NHL's tiny fine for Tom Wilson was a genius move to keep people talking about hockey

I appreciate the NHL. Now giving us more of a, like, if you want to get real woke the NHL only giving them a $5,000 fine was the greatest thing they've ever done because it kept the story going and having people talk about the NHL before the playoffs for another week.

The Washington Capitals are giving off 'team of destiny' vibes

I'm starting to get team of destiny vibes from the Washington capitals because caps back... in America, captain America, I'm starting to get team of destiny vibes and caps back, put a little tickler file on it.

The NHL is partially responsible for Tom Wilson's behavior because they removed goons from the game

It's kind of, in a weird way, the NHL's fault for getting fighting and goons out of hockey because Tom Wilson is kind of the apex predator now. Like, if there were still goons, a goon would fuck Tom Wilson up, and it would be taken care of, and he wouldn't be doing this shit. He's a hybrid goon... he knows there's no real repercussions.

NHL players should be suspended for the same duration that the player they injured is sidelined

It does feel like an easy way to fix this in hockey is just you're suspended for as long as a guy's injured. Like, that's so easy.

Tom Wilson would have been suspended for a full year if he had hit Connor McDavid

If Tom Wilson would have done what he did to Connor McDavid, he probably would have got a full year sussy. I think it's getting to the place where they've got to really protect those guys.

The Buffalo Sabres are a 'broken organization' that needs to get worse to get better

It's just one of those organizations right now that seem a little bit cursed, and I would imagine that it's going to have to get a lot worse before it even gets better... They're a broken organization.

The NHL should adopt the 2-game baseball-style series format permanently

I 100% think they should adapt it, especially within teams of your own division... Why couldn't we just have banged out a back-to-back in Edmonton, saved ourselves the cost of fuel... I think they are going to adapt it moving forward.

The Toronto Maple Leafs will win the Stanley Cup this year

I truly believe with the pickups that they made and adding Joe Thornton's experience to maybe calm the young guys down... yes, I think that they're going to win the Stanley Cup.

The Arizona Coyotes will secure the 4th playoff spot in the West Division

I think the Yotes are going to get that fourth spot in the West. So, you know, who knows? Maybe they can knock off the big boys.

The Chicago Blackhawks have no chance of making the playoffs

I said, it's great to watch, but there's no chance they're making the playoffs. No chance. I just don't see it happening there's like the depth isn't there... maybe if Taze comes back but who knows.

Sidney Crosby is a top-five hockey player of all time

Crosby's in my top five players of all time. I actually think it's in no particular order... it's Wayne Gretzky, Mario Lemieux, Sidney Crosby, Bobby Orr, Gordie Howe.

Alex Ovechkin is the best goal scorer in the history of hockey

Ovechkin is, I think, the best goal scorer of all time. I know he doesn't have the most goals, which he actually somehow might break... But Ovechkin is right there with Gretzky and Hall, top goal scorers of all time.

The Toronto Maple Leafs are legitimate Stanley Cup contenders and I am rooting for them

The Maple Leafs have been pathetic. 53 years? But now they have a team that is like legitimately built to win a Stanley Cup, I think... I've actually come out and said that I'm rooting for the Toronto Maple Leafs to win the cup this year. That's my team this year.

The Islanders are a team of destiny

I'm just going to circle one: Islanders team of destiny. I don't know, just feeling it. Very trust. And I just, I don't know, just gonna circle it.

The 5-overtime NHL game was caused by bad ice in Toronto

I personally blame the blame the ice in Toronto for the 5:00 overtime game.

Tom Wilson isn't a scumbag; he's just misunderstood and people are afraid to look him in the eye

My fire Fest of the week is I have to come up with new reasons and new ways to defend Tom Wilson. No, he's not scumbag... I need a workshop a few ways. People are saying that Tom Wilson's running into people's backs... I don't think that that's the case at all. The best I could come up with at this point is that people afraid of Tom Wilson they're afraid to make eye contact with him.

The hockey ice in Toronto is significantly worse than the ice in Edmonton

Can someone explain to me going back to hockey the difference between the ice in Edmonton and the ice in Toronto because the Toronto ice sucks... Toronto ice is super choppy. It's like iced soup.

The Seattle Kraken should have been named the 'Seattle Sirens'

I thought that a great name would be the Seattle Sirens. Then at the goal siren, you could have Courtney Love just up in the corner just trying to lure people to date her.

The 2020 Stanley Cup will have an asterisk and should be called the 'Corona Cup'

I've called it it's going to be the corona Cup this year. So they're actually only going to take off the top bowl of the Stanley Cup and handed to the winners. So forever a little bit of an asterisk people have argued with me over that but still I just think it's different it's odd.

The Tampa Bay Lightning will win the Stanley Cup

I've said all year that I like Tampa just because of what they went through last year and then bouncing back... I just refuse to believe a team that good isn't going to win a Stanley Cup at some point in these few years.

Hockey is not one of the major four sports

No hockey doesn't count hockey doesn't count. Not one of the major four sports. What's the fourth? MLS?

Alex Ovechkin is arguably the greatest goal scorer ever considering modern goaltending

Gretzky's for me, he's the greatest like what he's done. It's hard to knock that. But Alex Ovechkin is right up there for goal scoring. I'll tell you what, in an era to score as many goals as he does in this era of hockey and the goaltending is ridiculous. This guy is an amazing player.

Success in hockey comes down to 'playing heavy' and winning stick battles

The way I want to play the game, we need size and strength. Being physical... You can play heavy, it's just winning puck battles. That's what it boils down to. Using your body winning puck bottles, having heavy sticks. That's what I mean by heavy.

Hockey will be the first major sport to return from the hiatus

Gambling with NHL is gonna be the first one back. Yeah hockey too. I'm surprised at hockey even... I agree they'll be back first. They will be back for sure.

Alex Ovechkin will officially be better than Wayne Gretzky after he scores his 700th goal

And Ovi just scored his 700th goal. ... I'm predicting. I'm going to be at the Caps game on Saturday night. I'm going to see him score two more goals. And then it's going to happen. Now he's officially better than Wayne Gretzky. Perfect.

The Washington Capitals will win the 2020 Stanley Cup

My who's back of the week is the Washington Capitals. So it is 2020. It is even year bullshit for the Capitals. They win the Stanley Cup every year. They won in 2018. They're about to win it again.

NHL refs rely on video replay too much as a safety net, which creates inconsistency

With that sort of difficulty now that they've infused this video replay that is such a safety net for guys, they rely on it too much. It's not even they don't... a goal goes in the net and they're standing so deep in the corner. They don't even signal it. They might not even see it. You got to see everything and use the replay to verify.

Hockey is the best sport because it's a 'loner' sport that doesn't get mainstream respect

I enjoy hockey. That's probably my number one. ... I love it because it's also like it's never been the sport in this country. It's rogue. It's sort of outside. There's a loner sort of thing to it. ... It's more like a stand-up comic.

The Florida Panthers are the most irrelevant franchise in the history of sports

Could you think of a more like a more forgettable franchise. Whoa. I don't think so... Florida Panthers of the most irrelevant get your charade rise in the history of sports have to be.

Sports fans are forbidden from shaving their beards during a deep playoff run

If you're a sports fan and you're a fan of your hockey team and they're in fucking Game 6 of the Stanley Cup Final and you have a beard, you cannot shave it. I don't care if you're superstitious.