Takes

I cannot run a 5K in under 33 minutes

I'm not gonna be able to run under 33 minutes. I'm not gonna be able to do that and I can't do that. Physically... I'm going to end up, I'm gonna get an injury. Like my back is gonna, is gonna come out.

Having kids is a massive money pit

I want to say that I don't see this as a waste, but it is a waste. Having kids is just... it's a money pit. ... If you buy a kid a toy, they play with it for about five minutes. Then they're like, I'm gonna play with your fucking shoes or something that could kill me. ... You should actually just adopt your kids when they're 17 years old. You spend way less money on them.

Birds are not real and are actually government surveillance plants

Birds aren't real. They're government plant. Have you ever seen a bunch of birds go onto... Have you ever seen them on telephone wires? That's them charging. You've never seen a baby bird.

The female orgasm is a myth created by 'Big Orgasm'

The female orgasm. Not real. Big orgasm has been lying to you guys. Girls don't come. They just do it because they like to make us feel bad for coming too quick. Exactly... let's be honest, let's get real honest here. That shit's not real.

Shark attacks are not real and people just overreact to minor injuries

I don't think shark attacks are real. I just don't think they're real. I think someone hits their leg on like a coral reef or something. I don't believe them. I do not think they're real. I think someone... you're a bad swimmer. You probably stubbed your toe and then overreacted.

Crows are the dumbest animals in the world

My personal big takeaway was that crows are dumb as shit. ... I've been told my whole life that crows are the smartest bird in the world. And it's a miracle that they ever get out of bed in the morning without stabbing themselves in the butthole with their own beak. Because they're so stupid that they just hold onto the back of an eagle and die of not being able to breathe.

Anyone who wears glasses is a dork

Glasses can look cool, but if you said to anyone, would you rather wear glasses or not? Everyone's picking not. Take four eyes, dude, you're a dork. Like that's just a fact. You're a dork.

Blow jobs are stressful and awkward

I find them to be—it's a lot of pressure. What am I supposed to say? I just feel like it's really a lot of pressure on me... then I just feel like I'm supposed to be making noises or something... if I had to sum up blow jobs in one word, I would say stressful.

There is a 0% chance they successfully fly an orca in a cargo plane

I can't, there's, I I just, I know you guys are just fucking with me, but [there's] no way. 0%. 0% [chance this happens].

Beating a video game is something that is only fun once

Beating a video game. Once you [beat it], you can't go back and beat another video... like yes you can, [but] it's not as fun. If you beat Goldeneye and you go back and you know all the secrets and stuff, it does not have that same allure. The first time you beat Goldeneye, you think that you are God.

Titty fucking is only fun to do once

I think guys, if you guys, the one person will agree with me... It is the man. We're doing it. Drum roll: titty fucking. It's simply fun [only] once. That is something that like you're in middle school, you dream about and then you do it and it's like, this isn't that fun. I've literally only done it once 'cause I was like, I don't need to do this shit.

Throwing a house party in high school is only fun the first time

Throwing a house party in high school. When parents aren't there. It's fun the first time you might get away with it. You might not, but you still had that one time. But then you can't really do it again. Or if you do it again, it gets out of hand. Your first one's a banger people, the bar's gonna be so high for the future ones that like you can only go downhill.

All humans are animals, and you should look for the animal within you

Love you guys. All humans are animals. If you're ever feeling down, look for the animal within you.

Marijuana needs to be exactly half as strong as it is right now

The nerfing of the weed is going around right now... Which I actually think is wonderful. Yeah. I think it's, that's what weed needs to be. It needs to be exactly half as strong as it is right now. So you can still smoke it and do stuff.

Wrestlers have a mindset where they feel they can kick anyone's ass

If you're a wrestler, you have that and you wrestle for, you know, a number of years, you develop that mindset of, you know, you feel you could kick anybody's ass. It's in a respectful it's a respectful mindset. Like, you don't use it unless you have to, but it's always In your mind of it's there.

I don't want to start a family because aliens will likely kill us all within five years

I like thinking that aliens are real because then it really is like there's no reason to do anything. 'cause like within five years, like the aliens are gonna just come up and fuck us off. ... Like starting a family. It's like, I don't wanna, I don't wanna have kids like aliens are gonna come and kill 'em all. Yeah. Like, I don't, like I'm just gonna, I'm just gonna keep doing my thing.

55 degrees is the ideal sleeping temperature

On the road. If, if I can get it. I mean, normally the lowest you can get is 55. Right. In a hotel. Right. But I got it at 55. ... man, if I could, I would [go into the forties].

Polar bears are 'huge pussies' compared to grizzly bears

Polar bears are huge pussies. They actually, every time they meet grizzly bears in the wild, they like run away. 'cause grizzly bears are about that action. They scrap harder than polar bears. It's because their population densities are higher. So they see other grizzly bears and fight them more.

Showering in the morning is mandatory to feel accomplished

I don't understand for the life of me, anyone who doesn't shower in the morning. You gotta shower in the morning right before you go to work 'cause it makes you feel accomplished... I would feel like just dooo going to work without showering first.

Unsubscribing from spam emails is an S-tier easy task

Unsubscribing to spam emails. One of my favorite easy tasks. That just makes you feel awesome when you like have your entire email box... You feel like you conquered the world. Subset of this is when you find the email where they make the unsubscribe hidden and then when you find it, you're like, yes, got it! You fuckers tried to get me.

Lasting 30 minutes in bed would result in at least three different injuries for me

Half hour? Honestly sounds like too much work. That's a—sounds like at least three injuries for me. That's a groin, an ankle, and maybe like a back. Just give me good 10 minutes.

Dirt bikes are the only effective way to escape Los Angeles when society collapses

If something goes sideways in LA and there's riots in the streets... you only have the freeways out and those can lock down quickly. So how do you get out? Well, dirt bikes. Dirt bikes is the answer.

Staying in an ADA-compliant apartment as an able-bodied person is selfish

I'm just uncomfortable staying here [in an ADA-compliant apartment] where someone else who might need it more [could live]... I view it in the perspective like PFT said, I'm taking the space right now of someone who needs it more.

Anyone who says 'I turned out fine' regarding their childhood trauma actually didn't turn out fine

Anyone who says I turned out fine, there you are. Not fine. About anything, anything. It could be like X Y, Z happened to me when I was a kid. I turned out fine. 'I smoked, my father made me smoke cigarettes when I was five years old. Look how I turned out.' I'm fine. Yeah, I'm great.

South Dakota is the 'cool Dakota' while North Dakota is for people who aren't cool

North Dakota is kind of like where people go that aren't cool. And like South Dakota's the cool Dakota. Okay. Really? It's just like Canada didn't want 'em. So like we'll just give 'em North Dakota.

Car time is for listening to podcasts, not for talking

Not for talking. Car time is for listening. When is he supposed to make these business calls in the car? On the golf course? Yeah.

Joey Chestnut is the greatest American of all time and saved the 4th of July

Joey Chestnut being the greatest American of all time and saving, literally saving the 4th of July for America. ... if we did a new Mount Rushmore of Greatest Americans of all time, it's Joey Chestnut [and no one] else.

You can eat for free at restaurants by pretending to be a waiter taking away leftovers

I think we could just eat for free if we just show up to really nice restaurants and we just go to like, people who are just finishing being like, can I take this for you? And then just walk out. ... I handed him my food. Like it was nobody's business being like, this guy will come back with a bag and Yeah. I, I think I found a way that if, if we ever fall on hard times, we can just live off of that.

I felt ghosts in the pool house at George Kittle's home

It was very creepy. And I had never dealt with anything like that before. ... I like just like couldn't like, I had to like, keep focusing on this thing in the co like there was something else in the room. ... I felt that something was in the room with me. And it was the the freakiest thing.

Peeing on a smoldering campfire to put it out is an elite experience

Peeing onto a smoldering fire... putting out the fire. So putting out your fire rules. ... You got your own fire hose.

I pee in 100% of the pools I have ever been in

I piss in every pool I've ever been in. Yep. A hundred percent. Yep. All the time. ... Every pool I've ever been in, in my entire life. Every pool I've pissed in.

Hank will likely catch a stray and be put in a dangerous situation before the D&D session ends.

I think somebody pro, if I, if I were to guess, because there's always gonna be a little bit of blood lust about somebody wanted to kill Hank very much... I think Hank might have caught a stray. Maybe we put Hank in a dangerous situation after I left.

The party can always turn on Hank if the mission goes south.

Okay, well, if shit goes south, we can always turn on Hank. As long as it's not me.

The missing children in the D&D campaign deserve their fate for exploring dangerous caves.

The child needs a lesson. You shouldn't go explore caves plug.

A Warlock is nothing without their spells.

You need your spells. [Hank] is nothing If you don't have spells.

One teenage hippo can successfully take on three or four ghouls in combat.

I think one hippo can take three GULs or four... I think that's a solid matchup.

Anything said at a championship parade should be protected by client-patient confidentiality

Anything you say at a Championship parade should be, that's like, that's client patient confidentiality. You can't, can't hold that against anybody. You're drunk at a parade. You're gonna say what you want.

There are more trees in Canada than there are stars in the Milky Way

You know what I learned today? There's more trees in Canada than there are Stars in the Milky Way. Is that true? Damn. Yeah. I went to a museum today.

I can break the hot dog record of 76 if the weather stays dry

That record of 76, it could go down. The weather's looking a little bit iffy. They're, they're calling for thunderstorms and it, it's been a long time since we've had rain... if it's good condition, I I see a record.

Joey Chestnut belongs on the Mount Rushmore of all-time athletes with Jordan, Tiger, and Secretariat

I'm being serious Joey like I know you're a humble guy and I appreciate that, but when I think of like the greatest athletes of all time, it's like Michael Jordan secretariat, tiger Woods, Joey Chestnut. I think that'd be my Rushmore right there.

North Carolina is one of the most underrated states in the country

North Carolina is one of the most underrated states. It, it's got everything. Got some very cool places. Asheville, awesome city in the mountains... Great barbecue. Great beaches. Great golf. Great basketball.

Attempting to drink all 21 cocktails on a menu during a vacation is a legendary way to die

My cool throne is travel because there's a headline in the New York Post today. Man dies after trying to drink all 21 cocktails on menu during family vacation in Jamaica. That rocks... Dude's rock. That guy traveled his balls off... I mean that's, that's an all time way to go out.

The passengers on the missing Titanic submarine are likely already dead

They're dead. This is one of those situations that it's captivated the internet because they keep being like, they have 50 hours of oxygen... they died. It's probably better that they died almost instantly. I would imagine they did. You don't, something bad happened and the sub broke and they died.

To be a true 'Hoss,' you should be clinically obese by BMI standards

I would say that yes. To be a Hoss you should be overweight. ... You should be clinically obese by BMI. ... Your BMI should be outta whack. ... Hosses are more laid back. They lumber.

You should never mess with the IT guy in your office.

The IT guy, don't fuck with him. Don't fuck. Do not fuck with him. He knows every he can, knows everything. Get every bit of information about you. He can watch you as you surf the net.

I have probably walked by at least six serial killers in my lifetime

Number of serial killers walked by. I think it's over three people. Holy shit, six. I like that because then it's like, holy shit.

Orcas are attacking boats to train their young to hunt, not for revenge

Update on those orca attacks. Turns out the orcas may be using the boats that they're attacking to train the younger orcas, how to hunt. It may not be some sort of retribution situation.

I could beat up any legit 10-year-old in the world

People were saying that baby Gronk could beat me up, not a chance in the world. I would beat the shit outta baby Gronk. Like if it was one-on-one, me and him in a cage match, I would make him tap. It'd be, it'd be so easy. No, I could beat up any 10 year old in the world. Any 10 year old in the world.

Having children is the most selfless thing you can do

It's actually the most selfless thing that you can do. You know, I always feel like I'm speaking for myself to anybody else because you know, everybody has their own reasons behind it. But like, I feel incredibly selfish in a way that sometimes I have a hard time thinking about it.

Every 23-year-old at their first job is dumb and thinks their situation is permanent

When you're 23, you're dumb. And I think about how dumb I was and thinking like, oh, I hate my job. And then you look back and you're like, well it wasn't that bad because then you get more, you know, you, you do other things and you get more jobs and you realize like at 23, you just don't know.