Takes

Perfectly packing a car with vacation gear and kids is the official mark of a dad

Packing a car with two little kids and like doing the Tetris move to get the whole car full. I've never felt I earned my dad pinstripes like that was the official moment. I was like, yeah, I'm a dad because it was the hardest thing I've ever done. And it was like I wasted not a single inch.

Joey Chestnut is pound-for-pound the greatest athlete of all time

I really do think pound for pound [Joey Chestnut] is the greatest athlete of all time. Maybe you could say Secretariat, but I don't. No, I think... Joey Chestnut has won 14 titles now. 14. No one has ever won that many titles at anything.

The logic of Scientology makes the most sense compared to other religions

Scientology is a way to answer questions. Religion is a way of answering questions. Before any of them start extorting you for money and then they all become frauds, Scientology makes the most sense.

I enjoy watching sports injury videos on the internet

I will stand by that. I like watching injury videos. I don't like watching in real life injuries. Okay. Put me on the other side of a computer and I'll feel okay.

The Waterdogs need to hire Mike Vick as their coach

I think we should contact Mike Vick about coaching the Waterdogs because it's gotten to that point. Yeah. It's gotten to that point. I'm okay with that. I hate this team. I want to make them earn their dog.

James Conrad's disc golf shot is the most clutch play in the history of any sport

I actually think that this is the most clutch play ever in the history of any sport. Name me a better shot than this... That shot was awesome.

The Nassau Coliseum has the best Wi-Fi of any stadium

The biggest thing I could not figure out... is the fact that we went to the Nassau Coliseum. The venue's a dump. It's a time travel. By far and away the best Wi-Fi I've ever had inside of a stadium. The Wi-Fi was incredible... I was on the Wi-Fi and it was fucking humming. It was better than Barstool's Wi-Fi.

Giving blood is the best way to save money on drinking

But the great thing about giving blood is if you give blood, you get drunk off like half a beer afterwards. So it's actually very economical. I'm just trying to be an ambassador for health.

I could beat up a kangaroo in a fight

Do you think I could fight a kangaroo and beat him up? stand up for me I'm like I'm six two big boy two 40 50 whatever i also can crush wind pipes pretty easily yeah.

I will have a visible six-pack by the end of the summer

I'll have a six pack. You will never have a six pack. Yes, I will. All right. Great. How much time? Give me a month. By the end of the summer. Six pack summer. You're going to have a visible six pack? Yes. No chance.

Black bears are 'pussies' that humans can beat in a fight

Black bears, actual pussies. I saw you. You were right on that video. You could beat the shit out of a black bear. You snuffed that out. I appreciate that. Black bears would run like pots and pans get rid of black bears. Black fight back. brown lay down lay down white say good night boom there it is that's how you handle bears.

T-Rexes lived closer in time to humans than they did to Stegosauruses

T-Rex are closer to humans in time than they are to stegosauruses. Whoa. So T-Rexes and humans are 65 million years apart. Stegosauruses and T-Rexes are 85 million years apart.

I saw a UFO above Shea Stadium and another over the Colorado River

I saw a UFO once... I believe you. I saw one during a press conference. Yeah, and we stopped at Chase [Shea] Stadium. Everyone looked, everyone pointed. I said to the press, 'Did you see that?'... I think there's stuff up there.

I have no problem with bandwagon fans

I know we don't like bandwagon fans. Actually, I have no problem with bandwagon fans. I always thought it was so stupid to be like, more people are buying this stuff and the city is more electric. It's actually awesome. It's like movies. Everyone's getting pumped about it.

Jeff Bezos will disable his companies while in outer space to prank Earth

I think the Earth's actually in the hot seat for all that because it's bad news whenever the richest person on Earth decides to leave for a little bit. what better there will never be a better time for jeff bezos to disable all of his companies that we depend on for everything than when he's in outer space with his brother pissed off at his ex-wife.

Australia is back on the map as the 'weirdest' people on Earth thanks to a kid eating a watermelon rind

He brings an entire watermelon with him, and he starts eating it. He bites through the rind, and he eats the entire watermelon by himself. When I say entire, I mean the green, the white part. Everything... it's a huge dub for Australia... This put australia back on the map as like the weirdest people on the planet.

Anyone over the age of 25 must hire a mover

Over the age of 25, you should hire a mover. I agree. I am that mover in this case. Yeah. Well, are you hired? No. Okay. You need to get hired.

Colorado is a Southern team because it is south of the Canadian border

Based on the North American scale, Colorado is considered Southern. No, he's saying in the middle of the country, not North America. You're saying North America? I meant all the teams in play, they're one of the southern teams. Anything south of the Canadian border is southern.

Jake Marsh is the most accidental alpha I have ever seen

Jake Marsh is the most accidental alpha I have ever seen in my entire life. That's what makes Jake the true alpha is because none of this is intentional. It's all natural to him.

The entire NFC North could fit inside the landmass of Jacksonville

Did you know the entirety of the NFC North could fit inside Jacksonville? Every other city. Chicago, Detroit [In the landmass of Jacksonville]. And they only add up to, like, half of Jacksonville.

House cats are prima donnas that can be easily defeated by any human.

A house cat means that that cat's drinking milk, that cat's sleeping in beds... that cat is fucking total prima donna... I'll fucking strangle a house cat.

I could defeat a bald eagle in a fight by grabbing it and slamming it on the ground.

The move would be to jump up in the air and to grab it like you're mossing nature. And you just grab it and then you slam it on the ground. Smother it... while it's trying to do that, just boom, stamp him on his head.

I would defeat a King Cobra in a fight by letting it bite me and then strangling it.

I would simply let it bite me. And then after it was latched on, then you just strangle it. And hope it doesn't kill you... if you kill the cobra first, but you die after, you still win.

Crocodiles are easier to defeat on land than cobras because they cannot move laterally.

I actually think I'd have more trouble with the cobra than I would a crocodile. It's at foot level, so it's perfect kicking... I would just run around it to its back and then just fucking get him from behind. He can't move laterally.

Real men get three vaccine shots

I was at the doctor. I was getting my third vaccine shot. Oh, nice. Better safe than sorry. Yeah, I'm great. Like I said, I'm triple vaxxed up. Nothing could go wrong. Real men get three.

The public should wear masks for one more week to cover my cold sore

My Fyre Fest is masks off, which is great, but I'm getting a cold sore right now... this is the worst possible time ever... I think that we should do one more week. If we just go masks one more week, I think that'll be perfect timing.

I am the best person in the Barstool office at table tennis

The moment Hank had an opportunity to say I was no longer the best, he would have ran away with it. So I knew if I lost back-to-back... But I knew I'm 12-2 now. I'm the best freaking one here.

You never trust a man who wears transition lenses

I think this goes back to my old theory of you never trust a man with transition lenses. The person is up to something shady. Once you reach the stage in life where you commit to becoming a transition lens guy... I'd be shocked if you weren't spending your days and nights drugging racehorses.

Horse racing is in a precarious spot in America and the Medina Spirit scandal is not good for the sport

We're in a precarious spot in horse racing in America. I think it's one of those sports that people are starting to be like, yeah, maybe we don't need to. I love horse racing, so I think that this is not the scandal we need... The haters are going to be like, see, this is a fucked up sport.

UNC Women's Field Hockey is bad for the sport because they are too dominant

UNC Women's Field Hockey... just won their third national title in a row. Do you think that UNC women's field hockey is bad for women's field hockey? Because they're too dominant... If they go five in a row, that's bad for the sport.

Healthy workplaces should allow fighting to increase productivity

I think that healthy workplaces should allow fighting. Like if you get into a fight, if you know that fisticuffs are on the table and you can fight in the first 30 minutes of your Workday, you'll probably end up having more productive day after that, you're going to get all your frustration out.

Pantsing someone so their 'dick and balls' flop out is the height of comedy

A pants, when you can get the underwear as well. And the person's Dick and balls flop out is the height of comedy... bend your knees and crab walk the court. Kings of comedy tour. It would just be people getting pants and puking farting too.

New York rain is the 'wet Willie' of precipitation and refuses to commit

I want my rain to like show up and fight me like a man rain. Don't just do this little drizzle all day. It just kind of like inconvenience to you. Right? It's it's the wet Willie of precipitation.

I am officially bringing back the phrase 'Now that's paper'

I gotta start thinking about another phrase. I'm thinking now that's paper. I tried to bring back now that's paper while ago, but it feels, I feel like the times right now. Bet. I like bet.

Steve Ballmer is definitely the guy at a bachelor party who over-plans every single detail

Steve Ballmer is definitely the dude on a bachelor party who overplans every detail. It's like, alright, we're going to go fucking play some golf... 8 a.m. We're going to go to a nice, awesome lunch spot that I found. Then I rented a boat. Then we got a dinner. It's like, dude, we just want to fucking get drunk. Stop planning everything.

Replacing snow days with remote learning is a terrible decision for the youth

The New York City public schools will have remote learning instead of snow days next year... that's just terrible. I feel bad for the youth.

The human brain can only master one of three domains: sports, music, or trivia

A person's brain can only do one of those three things: trivia, music information, or sports information... and music I could almost I can sing tunes of which I get about three words out of 20 correct... but sports that's my interest so like that's that's my distraction and my hobby.

Swimming is not a real sport, it is just a hobby to stay alive

I'll just say it. Swimming is not a real sport... It's a really good hobby. If you do it really fast, I'm not saying Michael Phelps isn't impressive. I'm saying swimming is not a sport... It's just a means of staying alive that you can be more efficient at.

This summer will be the 'Summer of Fake Butts'

I have a theory. This is going to be the summer of fake butts. The Roaring Twenties. My theory is that a lot of people got elective cosmetic surgery during this year that the world hit pause. And this summer, you're going to see a lot of fake asses that come out of nowhere.

Sarcasm is the best way to prepare a child for life

I'm going to weaponize [my son] with sarcasm. That will hopefully get him through life.

It is safe to stop wearing masks outside now

My hot seat is anyone who's still wearing masks outside. We're good. CDC said we don't have to do it anymore. Which I don't want to say not to brag, but I called it. But last week, my sunglasses were getting fogged up. And I was like, I think I'm done wearing a mask outside.

Alaskan crab fishing is an addiction that offers a reward you can't find in any other type of fishing.

And I like to pleasure fish, but at the same time, it's an addiction, right? And so... I think, you know, if you're good at what you do... you're not going to get the same reward doing that when you've done both. right and this is like an addiction thing this is like your you know this is your fix.

Losing your debit card is a good way to replenish your finances by clearing out forgotten subscriptions.

That's how I look at losing my debit card sometimes because you get the monthly charges for things that you forget that you're subscribed to. And so then those charges stop and then you have to re-sign up for them again. You can look at this in a positive light, Bubba.

I could break the underwater bench press record

The underwater bench press record was broken... repped it out 77 times, beating the previous record of 62 times. Only 110 pounds... it's more of just a holding your breath thing. So I'm kind of, you know, in the back of my head, I'm like, I could do that. I could break that record.

Anyone who announces they are retiring from Twitter is an asshole who will eventually return

Here's just a simple rule in life. If you announce that you are retiring from Twitter, you're probably a fucking asshole who will be back on Twitter in due time. That was Chrissy's biggest thing... we pulled you back in you can't fucking leave we got you we got our claws in you you're a fucking loser like us

It is a 'big sunglasses on the back of the head guy' move to rip a ball away from a 5-year-old at a park

[Speaker 2]: his son was way older than mine, and he just stole the ball from our ball. And I was like, you can't take that. [PFT Commenter]: You know what that is? That's a big sunglasses on the back of the head upside down guy move.

The OMAD (One Meal A Day) diet is going to 'kick everyone's ass'

I'm on a diet. You've got to get your stomach small, bro. Once you reach OMAD (One Meal A Day), it's a level of intermittent fasting... If I never eat again, I will be skinny. OMAD is going to kick everyone's ass.

It's better to take vacations while you are young and can actually do things

As I've gotten to my age, I realized that... I'd rather take vacations while I'm youthful and can do many things. As opposed to earlier when you never took vacations. You don't want to just be an ant marching, dude. You're just a rat in a cage.

Being a dad is the coolest thing ever

Being a dad is, like, the coolest thing ever. I'm just going to say that. Not to be sappy. But I fucking, like, me and my son, like, we bro out hard all the time... vibes to the moon.

I genuinely didn't know the T in 'mortgage' was silent

I genuinely thought that's it. I didn't know the T was silent... I missed that once. I've gotten criticism in my broadcasting career. I've gotten destroyed for this... It's my fault. I messed up.