Takes

The Texans offense will be much better than people think this year

He's [John Metchie] back in training camp. He looks awesome. ... I'm just saying, I think, I think the Texans on offense this year are gonna be way better than we think. I like Stroud.

The Vegas Sphere is the coolest thing ever and the future of advertising

It's maybe the coolest thing I've ever seen. Like, I feel like it's gonna be everywhere all the time now. Like it's the, it's the future. ... However much it costs to advertise on it is like it's better than a billboard.

Tom Brady is "all natural" and would never date someone with a "fake body" like Kim Kardashian

She's got a fake body and Tom Brady would never do something like that. ... Tom Brady is a real man. He cares about family, brotherhood, love. ... Tom Brady's all natural himself.

The NBA Cup is awesome and gives fans a real reason to care about the regular season in December

My who's back is the NBA cup. It was revealed this weekend. ... I think it's awesome. ... December 9th. I don't think people are circling NBA on their calendar, but now this gives you a reason to do so.

Mark Zuckerberg definitely got choked out during his Jiu-Jitsu competition despite his denials

The last thing you wanna do is have an update to the report being like, just so we're clear, we talked to multiple people. He was never choked out because now I'm like, dude, the guy got choked out. You don't have to update saying I wasn't choked out unless you were very clearly choked out.

The LIV Golf relegation system is just the PGA Tour and Q-School with a different name

LIV golf is tweaking their rule format that they have. They are now instituting relegation and promotion in LIV golf league... which is great... LIV Golf just invented the PGA Tour. So you're not like guaranteed a spot on LIV golf. They invented qualification school.

The 'pervert' chant at Max Homa is officially canceled and banned

We have to stop saying to Max Homa on the golf course that he's a pervert because it's getting a little weird... permission to shame that person, take a picture and send it to us... no more pervert. That is officially canceled.

Winning the Presidents' Trophy in hockey is a curse that leads to first-round exits

The Presidents' Trophy in hockey I think is a bad thing though. I will say that. Like, that is something I'm worried about. Just, you know, as day one on the bandwagon, it's like, do you really want to be flaunting the Presidents' Trophy in everyone's face like Capitals' fans used to do and then they lose in the first round? That might be bad.

The NBA in-season tournament is essentially a way for LeBron James to get more rings

It was essentially the NBA was like, how can we make it so that LeBron gets more rings so he can feel like he's better than Jordan. Let's make a made up trophy in the middle of [the season].

Brooks Koepka is the hottest golfer in the world heading into the Masters

My, who's back of the week is Brook's Koepka. Yes. Brooks. Shout out Brooks. He won. He's hot. He's the hottest golfer in the world going into masters week. He's back. He won on the live tour. He battled off Patrick Reed to finish first place in Orlando.

The Lakers are a legitimate threat as they climb the Western Conference standings

The Lakers... they are climbing up the west... Seeds four through 10 right now are separated by four and a half games. Damn. And Lakers are right there at eight. Are the Lakers back? They have LeBron and AD.

Ja Morant will relapse if he plays poorly after his brief rehab

And the toughest part is the relapse where if he, if he gets back and he's not that good, you're gonna fall back in old habits and you're gonna be like, I need to have a gun in a strip club again.

Jacoby Brissett is the best quarterback in the NFL at the QB sneak besides Jalen Hurts

Jacobi Brissett is the best non-bush push [tush push] quarterback sneaker in the NFL... Statistically, I think even last, for the last couple seasons, Jacobi's been better than everybody besides Jalen Hurts.

Oleksandr Usyk will beat Tyson Fury when they fight for the unified heavyweight title

I actually think Usyk could beat Fury. That's why I think Fury's been trying to duck him for the big belt, for the all the belts.

Mike McCarthy taking over play-calling is the beginning of the end for his time in Dallas

Mike McCarthy is saying that he's going to now take on play calling rules. So this is awesome. ... It's also just, it's the beginning of the end. And if it's because when you get this job, they're basically saying, now you have to fucking do this. Yes. And you're gonna, so it's, it is shuffling the, the deck chairs on the Titanic.

Lionel Messi is the undisputed GOAT after winning the World Cup

Messi is the goat. I mean, Ronaldo, I mean, there's nothing left. Messi has literally won it all. That game was fucking incredible... I'm happy for Messi. I, he's always been my goat and this was literally the last thing he had to win.

Caleb Williams is already better than the current crop of NFL draft prospects

The UCLA USC game was fucking awesome. Caleb Williams is insanely good. Insanely good... I saw some people saying like, why are we talking about this next year's draft? Why aren't we talking about the year after with Caleb Williams?

LeBron James is lying about when he started listening to Migos

LeBron today wore an outfit... a reporter asked him... he said 'I love Migos. I've been listening to them since I was in Miami in 2010.' The Migos didn't start putting music out until 2011 and they weren't really popular until 2013... just no reason to lie whatsoever.

Bryce Harper has officially silenced all his critics

Bryce Harper... what he has done this playoffs and erased any negative Bryce Harper talk... he's been absolutely insane. I like that everything [Aaron] Judge isn't, Harper is. He was saying into the camera, 'I am that dude.' And it's like, yeah, you are.

The Eagles will not win the championship this season

The Eagles can fuck right off. They're not gonna win the championship.

The Warriors will struggle to recover from the Draymond Green punch video

I don't know though. I think this is something that it's gonna be hard for them to get over as a team. I don't know if they're gonna be able to come together. This is probably it for them.

Max Homa must be on the Ryder Cup team

If max isn't on the Ryder Cup team... we riot. It's a travesty of justice... He went four and oh in his matches, he had an electric walk in putt on the 18th green on Friday to win his match and the USA dominated and won the Presidents Cup.

Zach Wilson is officially cleared and the Jets will beat the Steelers

My 'who's back' is Zach Wilson. He's officially back and cleared to play next week against Pittsburgh... a game we can win... Sola said after in the press conference. I broke the fucking news. If anyone else tries to say they broke the news on Sunday... Billy football had it 1:00 AM Monday morning. Facts.

Aaron Judge will break the AL home run record in the final two weeks of the season

Aaron Judge, two more home runs today. He's at 59, two shy of Roger Maris. These final two weeks got to be locked in. Even if you're not a Yankee fan, this is history. 61 home runs is the Yankee record and the non-steroid record.

UNC is the most fun team to watch in college football

I think UNC might be the greatest team to watch in college football. There's so I feel like it's just gonna, you wanna talk about maximum chaos? I feel like that's gonna be UNC every single weekend.

Boxers and porn stars never actually retire

Boxers in porn stars never really retire. They always say they do. They're always ready for one more. It just always, you know what I mean? You'll see. You just be like, no, no, if you're there's one more you just age into becoming a MILF.

Football is back because the Patriots announced their red throwback jerseys

I saw the Patriots put out that they're gonna come and wear their red throwback jerseys this year. And that was the first time I was like, I think football's back.

NIL recruits who underperform will be roasted like professionals

I realized now that how bad this is going to be for the kids. If they suck. Oh yeah. They're going to get roasted. Cause there's always been the, oh, they're just kids. Well, a five-star is getting nine and a half million dollars and he stinks. People are going to fucking cruise.

Russell Wilson's 'first ever pass' video at AS Monaco's facility is absurdly corny

Russell Wilson threw the first ever football at AS Monaco's practice field. It was wild. He did a whole Instagram video and he's like, check this out guys. No one's ever thrown a football on this field. And then he threw it. He broke the seal on. It was fucking nuts.

I've officially signed a new contract with Barstool and the show will go on

I signed a contract on Thursday. So I'm coming back. The show goes on, start all the haters who are crying and weeping. This is the place... I love doing this show. There's no more fun place to work. So I'm happy to be sticking around here.

Dan Dakich's take that the Pacers were wrong to pick Reggie Miller over Steve Alford is stupid

He tweeted interesting Pacers are praised for picking Reggie Miller over Steve Alford in 1987. Yet Pacers have not won a single thing... what we do know is nothing was won with Miller. That's. I mean, that's a, that's a hell of a take... it's a stupid take and we'd debate it.

Red Bull is cheating in Formula 1

I've found my perfect niche niches that I don't watch any second of the race. And then just say someone cheated after. Cause it was great. It was like, I didn't watch a second a Monaco. And then I was like red bull cheats.

The Maryland Terrapins are an absolute wagon after their perfect 2022 season

Maryland Terrapins completed a perfect 18-0 season beating Cornell in the national championship game. Crazy. Their past two seasons have been pretty insane because they are 33 and 1... they're an absolute wagon.

Carlos Alcaraz is making the tennis world go crazy by beating the top three seeds

Carlos Alcaraz... 19 year old, beat Rafa, Djokovic and Zverev who apparently is the number two. So he beat one, two and three on his way to the championship. Tennis is back. I mean, sports world is on fire because of this kid.

Texas Longhorns football is officially back to their 2014 levels of embarrassment

Texas football is officially back. When I say back, I mean back to where they were in 2014, when for the only time in the last 70 years, they went through an entire NFL draft where they did not have a player taking the entire [time].

Women's boxing is on the up and up following the electric Taylor vs. Serrano fight

Women's boxing is on the up and up. ... What we saw in the last Jake Paul card with Amanda Serrano on it is that those fights are extremely electric. ... It was the first headline by women fighters at Madison Square Garden itself in its 140 year history.

Bet against the Pittsburgh Pirates in every single road game this season to make money

My algorithm is thus, you just bet against the Pittsburgh Pirates every single game... we're going to bet on road games, every pirates team under and for the other team to win Moneyline against the pirates. And we're going to all make a bunch of money.

Dan Snyder's financial theft from other owners will be what finally forces him to sell the team

Dan Snyder... Apparently Snyder was lying about how much money he was getting into his gate. So he was actively stealing from the other owners... if you steal a million dollars from Jed York, they want to kill you. And so it looks like if anything's going to happen, this would be what could bring Dan Snyder down.

Dan Snyder is as close as he's ever been to being forced to sell the Washington Commanders

Florio just texted me a second ago and was like, we're as close as we've ever been to him getting to sell the team... If Snyder was lying about how much money he was getting into his gate, he was actively stealing from the other owners... if you steal a million dollars from Jed York, they want to kill you.

I will continue to keep the same 'negative' energy about LeBron James as he requested

My who's back is LeBron... his tweets coming back and everyone's retweeting it... 'keep that same narrative energy when it begins'... And we are keeping that same energy. He asked me to... far be it for me to disobey one of LeBron James' orders.

The Lakers will miss the playoffs and I want them to get swept if they somehow make it

I really want them to make the playoffs because I want them to lose. I would like them to get swept in the playoffs. That'd be fun... [LeBron] asked me to keep that same narrative energy, so I am.

The current USMNT roster is a 'Golden Generation'

The U.S. Men's National Team... suck my dick Italy. They didn't make it. We did... the golden generation for the U.S. soccer team is here. I just hear people say that. It sounds so cool when they say it. So I think we can officially declare because this team is young enough. I'm just going to say, this is our golden generation.

The USMNT will get out of the group stage in the 2022 World Cup

When we make the World Cup, we always get out of pool play.

Patty the Batty is going to be a massive star

Our colleague, Patty the Batty put on an electric show... Patty the Batty's going to be a star. I'm so excited. He choked out the guy in what, like three minutes... I just love Patty too because his haircut and just how he looks. And then he kicks your ass.

Khalil Mack being traded is fine because the Bears need to tear it all down

That was one of those situations where people wanted me to be mad, but I wasn't because I, the bears need to re they need to fix everything. They need to tear it all down. Build it back up. ... I wasn't mad because I don't know what the point of going like seven and 10 with Khalil Mack.

Kyrie Irving being allowed in the arena but not on the floor is a mockery of the NYC mandate

Kyrie's moved today was awesome. Showing up to the game in Brooklyn with no mask sitting on the sideline and bakes, basically making a mockery of the entire New York city mandate, which makes no sense the carrier and can't play. And, but he can sit. And he was also in the locker room.

The Celtics are legitimate contenders to win the Eastern Conference

Celtics are back. They had some trouble early in the year... they have fully figured it out. Their defense is unbelievable. I think right now they're second in the league defensively. Beginning of the year, I didn't think that the Celtics had a shot to win the East. Now I do.

Malik Willis threw the ball 73.72 yards at the NFL Combine

Doing some Pythagoras theorem on Malik Willis' absolute gigantic throw. So he threw it 60 yards down the field. But if you [calculate] the hypotenuse of how actually far you threw in a straight line, it got out to 73.72.

Tommy Tanks is the main attraction of college baseball

Tommy Tanks he's on NC state. I believe it's seven home runs in his first nine... he's kind of the main story, the main attraction of college baseball this year with no [MLB] baseball going on, it's getting even more heightened coverage.

Coach K is a hypocritical fraud for refusing halftime media interviews

Whoa. Are you, are you just realizing now that huge [hypocrite] fraud? Well, no. Jake is just realizing now because it's about halftime interview with the media. He never does halftime because he plays, plays on the roof. That's crazy. Like I understand he's a legend for whatever, but just take the interview.