Takes

Chet Holmgren will get dunked on so hard this year it will deflate his cockiness

He's going to get dunked on once so viciously this year. It will, it will take 5% of the cockiness out of him. I was going to say that right now, you know, someone's going to just yam, got to pay her dues.

Football is back because the Patriots announced their red throwback jerseys

I saw the Patriots put out that they're gonna come and wear their red throwback jerseys this year. And that was the first time I was like, I think football's back.

NIL recruits who underperform will be roasted like professionals

I realized now that how bad this is going to be for the kids. If they suck. Oh yeah. They're going to get roasted. Cause there's always been the, oh, they're just kids. Well, a five-star is getting nine and a half million dollars and he stinks. People are going to fucking cruise.

Dan Dakich's take that the Pacers were wrong to pick Reggie Miller over Steve Alford is stupid

He tweeted interesting Pacers are praised for picking Reggie Miller over Steve Alford in 1987. Yet Pacers have not won a single thing... what we do know is nothing was won with Miller. That's. I mean, that's a, that's a hell of a take... it's a stupid take and we'd debate it.

Red Bull is cheating in Formula 1

I've found my perfect niche niches that I don't watch any second of the race. And then just say someone cheated after. Cause it was great. It was like, I didn't watch a second a Monaco. And then I was like red bull cheats.

Carlos Alcaraz is making the tennis world go crazy by beating the top three seeds

Carlos Alcaraz... 19 year old, beat Rafa, Djokovic and Zverev who apparently is the number two. So he beat one, two and three on his way to the championship. Tennis is back. I mean, sports world is on fire because of this kid.

Women's boxing is on the up and up following the electric Taylor vs. Serrano fight

Women's boxing is on the up and up. ... What we saw in the last Jake Paul card with Amanda Serrano on it is that those fights are extremely electric. ... It was the first headline by women fighters at Madison Square Garden itself in its 140 year history.

Bet against the Pittsburgh Pirates in every single road game this season to make money

My algorithm is thus, you just bet against the Pittsburgh Pirates every single game... we're going to bet on road games, every pirates team under and for the other team to win Moneyline against the pirates. And we're going to all make a bunch of money.

Dan Snyder's financial theft from other owners will be what finally forces him to sell the team

Dan Snyder... Apparently Snyder was lying about how much money he was getting into his gate. So he was actively stealing from the other owners... if you steal a million dollars from Jed York, they want to kill you. And so it looks like if anything's going to happen, this would be what could bring Dan Snyder down.

I will continue to keep the same 'negative' energy about LeBron James as he requested

My who's back is LeBron... his tweets coming back and everyone's retweeting it... 'keep that same narrative energy when it begins'... And we are keeping that same energy. He asked me to... far be it for me to disobey one of LeBron James' orders.

The current USMNT roster is a 'Golden Generation'

The U.S. Men's National Team... suck my dick Italy. They didn't make it. We did... the golden generation for the U.S. soccer team is here. I just hear people say that. It sounds so cool when they say it. So I think we can officially declare because this team is young enough. I'm just going to say, this is our golden generation.

The USMNT will get out of the group stage in the 2022 World Cup

When we make the World Cup, we always get out of pool play.

Patty the Batty is going to be a massive star

Our colleague, Patty the Batty put on an electric show... Patty the Batty's going to be a star. I'm so excited. He choked out the guy in what, like three minutes... I just love Patty too because his haircut and just how he looks. And then he kicks your ass.

The Celtics are legitimate contenders to win the Eastern Conference

Celtics are back. They had some trouble early in the year... they have fully figured it out. Their defense is unbelievable. I think right now they're second in the league defensively. Beginning of the year, I didn't think that the Celtics had a shot to win the East. Now I do.

Malik Willis threw the ball 73.72 yards at the NFL Combine

Doing some Pythagoras theorem on Malik Willis' absolute gigantic throw. So he threw it 60 yards down the field. But if you [calculate] the hypotenuse of how actually far you threw in a straight line, it got out to 73.72.

Tommy Tanks is the main attraction of college baseball

Tommy Tanks he's on NC state. I believe it's seven home runs in his first nine... he's kind of the main story, the main attraction of college baseball this year with no [MLB] baseball going on, it's getting even more heightened coverage.

Coach K is a hypocritical fraud for refusing halftime media interviews

Whoa. Are you, are you just realizing now that huge [hypocrite] fraud? Well, no. Jake is just realizing now because it's about halftime interview with the media. He never does halftime because he plays, plays on the roof. That's crazy. Like I understand he's a legend for whatever, but just take the interview.

Mike McDaniel will save Tua Tagovailoa's career

Dolphins hired a new head coach, Mike McDaniel. Watch that clip of his, he seems very media friendly guy, big personality. He's going to save Tua [Tagovailoa].

Harambe is officially back as a cultural force due to the Bengals' Super Bowl run

My who's back of the week is our sweet prince Heran bay. We obviously were very early on it in 2016... with the Bengals making this run, then being from Cincinnati it's of naturally happened... it went Facebook, super nuclear viral... it's back.

Any head coach the Bears hire will fail because the organization is broken

I've come to a bad realization with it—with my wisdom in life—is that it's not the coach. It's the organization. Like whoever gets hired is going to fail because the organization will fail them... 90% chance will fail because the Bears are broken, terrible organization.

The Duke basketball season is a failure if Coach K doesn't win the national title

I know we joke around about saying—like if Coach K doesn't lead them to a national championship, then it's an utter failure.

Georgia -2.5 is my Game of the Year for the National Championship

2022 is going to be the year of game of the years. I'm just saying it right now. Georgia minus two and a half. I've decided this breaking news game of the year.

The state of Arizona is right to end Daylight Savings Time

I don't care about the daylight savings technicality... why we do it. I'm pretty sure the state of Arizona ended it. ... I just don't understand why farmers need to have us bent over a barrel for them. I'm sick of it. Agreed. It's very depressing.

The USA is back because they 'skull fucked' Europe in the Ryder Cup

The USA, United States of America. We are back thanks to the Ryder cup team. Absolutely skull fucked Europe, 19 to nine biggest wins since 1975.

Trying to cancel Joe Rogan only promotes his show

It is the dumbest thing ever that they try to cancel Joe Rogan every other month. And then a bunch of people just tweet out Joe Rogan clips that probably just make new Joe Rogan fans. They're just doing his promotion for him.

Team USA Basketball is doing a 'rope-a-dope' and will win the Olympic Gold

I'm thinking about it, I think they're [Team USA] actually going to win the gold. I think they're doing a little rope-a-dope... they're doing some drinking before games and that might be why they're playing—no, they're just, you know, they were out the night before. It's a tune-up. They're not taking this seriously. Once they take it seriously, they will beat everyone.

The internet trend of saying 'The Beatles suck' is objectively wrong

A decent amount of the internet is now just co-opted to take the Beatles suck and it blows my mind... You can say you don't personally like the Beatles... but saying they just suck is... the dumbest thing to say... Music that is occurring right now would not happen if it wasn't for the Beatles.

Damian Lillard will eventually be traded by the Blazers

Damian Lillard has been the exception, not the rule, in that he has remained loyal and he deserves credit. But it does feel like this is going to probably end up being a trade. I also kind of figured it would happen eventually. He's not getting younger. He's like 31 or something.

Urban Meyer is trying to recreate his Florida Gators teams by moving Travis Etienne to wide receiver.

Urban Meyer is just that report that Travis Etienne is taking reps as only a wide receiver... He's trying to create Percy Harvin. I understand what he's doing, I think... He just wants to recreate the Florida team.

Wraps are just shittier, guiltier versions of sandwiches

The wrap is just a shittier sandwich. It's not like you didn't do anything great. It's more portable and it's like slightly healthier, but it's not as healthy as people want you to believe it is... you can't tell me that a wrap is better than a sandwich with like good bread.

This summer will be the 'Summer of Fake Butts'

I have a theory. This is going to be the summer of fake butts. The Roaring Twenties. My theory is that a lot of people got elective cosmetic surgery during this year that the world hit pause. And this summer, you're going to see a lot of fake asses that come out of nowhere.

There are more complete-game one-hitters than no-hitters in MLB history

I'll bet that there's more. [Complete game one-hitters]. I'm not a math guy, but I'm rolling with math on this one.

Anyone who announces they are retiring from Twitter is an asshole who will eventually return

Here's just a simple rule in life. If you announce that you are retiring from Twitter, you're probably a fucking asshole who will be back on Twitter in due time. That was Chrissy's biggest thing... we pulled you back in you can't fucking leave we got you we got our claws in you you're a fucking loser like us

NFL wide receivers wearing single-digit numbers is a 'there goes the neighborhood' moment

The NFL is just, I guess, giving clearance to wide receivers to wear single-digit numbers... It's a major There Goes the Neighborhood moment. I think it's going to happen. Peter King leaked it out, and when Peter King has a scoop like that, it's Roger Goodell just being like, Peter, you are my trial balloon.

The Mike Woodson hire at Indiana probably won't work

They hired Mike Woodson... He's never coached college basketball in his life... That doesn't feel like it's going to work. What do you mean? A guy who has never coached college basketball.

Loyola Chicago is in great shape to make the NCAA tournament

They're in great shape to make the tournament... If they make the tournament, everyone's going to talk about [Sister Jean].

Conor McGregor is done being a consistent threat for the UFC belt

I asked the question, is he done in terms of like – is he done being a threat for the belt consistently? It feels like that. I don't know it well enough, but it feels like that just by the fact that he's fought like three times in the last four years and one of them was an old dude who he beat and he's lost twice.

It is time for Coach K to think about stepping down

Listen, maybe it's time for Coach K to think about stepping down.

Billy Football will fight Jose Canseco as my champion

I have found a champion in my place. Learn the game of Thrones, Jose. Ever heard of it? My champion is Billy Football. I will have him fight in lieu of me... Billy is fighting for my honor. He's your fall guy, right? I am a coward, hand up, whatever. But I have my champion. He is Billy Football. He will fight in my place.

US Soccer is 'back' and will be a threat in Qatar 2022

US soccer's back big time... Gio Reyna scored an amazing goal... him and Pulisic are tearing up European soccer. So I'm confident in the U.S.'s chances in 2022 in Qatar.

James Harden joining the Nets would be a complete disaster

James Harden apparently wants to come to Brooklyn and play with the Nets, which would be a complete disaster. It would destroy the entire... Yeah, what the hell? Yeah, that's not going to work. There wouldn't even be a super team.

LeBron James is definitely winning the NBA title this year

LeBron's gonna win [the] title... I ran some simulations and they're all kind of coming out the same way.

A unified Yugoslavian Olympic basketball team would be one of the best in the world

Doncic, Bogdanovic, Bojan Bogdanovic, Jokic, Vucevic, Dragic... If Yugoslavia remained today, their Olympic team national team would actually be pretty good.

Mike Glennon is the perfect quarterback for people to use in Kaepernick comparison tweets

Every year we have to have at least one quarterback that's the perfect person for half of Twitter to quote tweet and be like Colin Kaepernick isn't on an NFL team but this person. Yes, Mike Glennon is like the perfect person to focus our attention on there.

Aaron Rodgers is obsessed with dating famous people

Shailene Woodley. Aaron Rodgers is obsessed with just dating famous people. He just dates... I think maybe... you'd probably want to date a non-famous person to convince them to move to Green Bay, Wisconsin.

I need to catch a bat to test it for rabies so I don't have to get shots in my stomach

If I catch the bat then I can test the bat for rabies. So I don't have to get a bunch of shots in my stomach... I'm going to stay up all night to find this bat.

I survived COVID-19 because my immune system is strong

My immune system's pretty strong, not to brag. I body diseases pretty easily. You did survive Coronavirus. I did. Yeah.

Conor McGregor's retirement is not real

But I'm sure he's not coming back. No way. In like October. No chance. Or November. Whenever Khabib's next up to fight him.

Murder Hornets are not a real threat because anything you can kill with a newspaper is not a problem

I'm officially done with being swayed by the Murder Hornet... fuck the Murder Hornet. If I can kill something with a newspaper, it's not a problem. It's not a problem. I'd rather be Mike Tyson's trainer or stuck in a room with one single Murder Hornet, I'd drive the Murder Hornet, I'd fuck the Murder Hornet up.

Leaked Wonderlic scores are a smokescreen designed to hurt Tua Tagovailoa's draft stock

They were also incorrect leaked Wonderlic scores all that which tells me it's smokescreen season for someone out there. Like someone wants the rest of the NFL to believe that Tua is dumb because they gave Tua a 13 in the first Wonderlic score. It's not true at all. That's not what he got.