Takes

James Harden handled his exit from the Rockets poorly

Every scenario is different. And in James' way, I think—I love James as a player, I think he handled it wrong... For them to actually still bend over backwards for this guy and send him to where he wants to go shows you how much love they have for him... You should respectfully go to the organization that's done everything for you and do it quietly.

Modern NBA stars would still be considered 'soft' in the 90s era

If these guys [international players] would have came in during my era, they'd still be soft. Because there was a different era where—guys, you know, you wasn't running over to the monitor because some guys say I got a hit in the head... It makes me so mad now when you see these guys.

1999-2000 Shaquille O'Neal was the most dominant player in NBA history

That 2019, 2000 Shaq was probably the most dominant player ever in the NBA because he was in shape. He had no injuries and, he was scared of Phil, and so he wanted to win a championship.

JJ Watt has more ties to potential teams than any free agent in NFL history

I would contend that JJ Watt being a free agent, he has the most ties to the most teams, strong ties to the most teams that a free agent has ever had.

Trevor Lawrence's long hair is a 'look at me' move

I do also think that the long hair makes you look a little bit shorter... The long hair is also like a look at me move. And I don't get – Big time. It's a big look at me move.

Jordan Spieth is now a likable underdog because he has been so bad

Everyone likes Jordan Spieth because he's been so bad and such a head case for so long that he gets the pity... now he's an underdog despite the fact that he's won millions and millions of dollars playing golf.

I can bench press and out-squat DK Metcalf

[DK Metcalf] was saying that he could bench press more than you... [Donald:] Yes... He's a wide receiver. I'm a defensive lineman. So we live different... [PFT: Squatting?] We live different.

James Harden literally ate his way out of Houston

Yeah, that is what happened, James. You got fat. James, you got fat. You ate your way out of Houston, which is very difficult to do.

There should be a 'TopGolf' but for football

TopGolf. But for other sports... There should be TopGolf but for football. You're the quarterback... imagine you have a football, and then in front of you is this big field, and there are people that are running routes, and you can hit the receivers with passes... They keep score of every ball that you throw.

Tom Brady putting on a knee brace before getting drunk is genius thinking.

I love the knee brace. I love Tom Brady, like an offensive lineman wearing a preemptive knee brace during a football game. He goes out and gets drunk and he puts a knee brace on before he does it. That's thinking ahead. That's the difference between him and all the other quarterbacks.

Tom Brady's 'drunk' tweet and stumble off the boat were a choreographed joke.

I'm very woke about the drunk Tom Brady tweet thing because I think it was on purpose... He was having fun with the fact that people thought he was too hammered to walk after he got off the boat. I think they were doing it as a joke. I think the guys were like, 'hey, let's pretend that Tom, you're so hammered that you can't walk.' Tom Brady has gotten so good at the Internet in the last three years that I think he's fucking with everybody.

Russell Wilson has completely lost touch with reality.

I'm going to take back everything I said about Russell Wilson. He's no longer corny. This is just who he is. And I think he just doesn't have any sense of reality. So it's not even worth being like, 'hey, man, come back to reality.' He's gone. He's long gone.

Success in a celebrity marriage requires both people to be 'weird as hell.'

I actually think that for celebrity couples to work, you actually both have to be weird as hell. It helps because if it's just if somebody is too normal in a celebrity relationship... it doesn't work. You have to have two different parts of crazy in a celebrity relationship, I think, to actually make it work in the long run.

Russell Wilson is the J.J. Watt of 'corny' cliches taken to the extreme.

Russell Wilson is J.J. Watt to a millionth degree... J.J. Watt is a normal person when you break it down... J.J. Watt is just very nice. Russell Wilson is nice and he thinks he's solving the world's problems. And he also think he was like, I think he probably thinks he's a prophet.

Tom Brady's 'We Will Win' texts are the most confidence-inducing messages in the world

The story that came out that Tom Brady texted his entire team every night the week leading up to the Super Bowl just saying, we will win. And I have to imagine that's got to be – like in terms of text messages you can get, that has to be the single most confidence-inducing text message you can get from anyone at any point in your life.

NFL coaches should go for two points every single time

93% of extra points were made... 48% of two-point conversions were completed... realize that they should go for two every single time. But they won't do it... if you have a good offense, you should absolutely go for two points every single time.

The 90s starter jacket and script hat is the pinnacle of coach fashion

The absolute pinnacle of coach looks will forever be the nineties when it comes to the script hat and the starter jacket. That is the coolest that coaches will ever look in any sport ever... I miss those days. I wish guys would wear starter jackets again.

Jose Canseco didn't have any power and essentially quit the fight

Once he punched me, I realized the fucking wizard behind the curtain was fucking just a man. I fucking went after him... He didn't give me... He quit. No, he quit.

The eagle on the 17th hole at the Waste Management Open was 'stupid luck'

No, that was just dumb luck that it went in. That was just real dumb luck... I'll be honest with you, it shouldn't have gone [in]. That's just stupid luck, man.

Darren Rovell is only challenging PFT to a fight for the engagement and would weasel out of a real match

My first thought when I saw him say he would fight for $2 million is that Darren Rovell would get in the ring and literally sprint around for three minutes straight... And then as everyone called him a coward, he'd be like, whatever... I'm $2 million richer. Ha, ha, ha, ha.

Bears GM Ryan Pace constantly bids against himself in negotiations

Some of these reports about the Bears treating a fucking first, maybe even two first-round picks for Carson Wentz, no one out-negotiates themselves quite like Ryan Pace. There's nobody else that's bidding that high. Anywhere close to that high. He bids against himself.

If Tom Brady wins Super Bowl 55, he is the greatest athlete of all time over Michael Jordan

If Tom Brady wins the Super Bowl, is he then the greatest GOAT of all time? ... they're saying, like, that would put him over Jordan. And I do think that that counts.

Secretariat is the greatest of all time

Secretariat. Well, exactly. Secretariat. It's got to be. American Pharaoh. It has to be Secretariat.

Marshall Faulk was both the best and most important player on the Greatest Show on Turf Rams

If there was one guy that changed the complexion of everything that we did, it was Marshall Faulk. ... he was such a distinct mismatch. ... he was, A, the best player on our team. So he was the best player, but he was also the most important.

Don't try to get into a vocabulary conversation with me — you're not there yet

And don't try to get into a vocabulary conversation with me. You're not there yet.

Everyone in their mid-30s should be on steroids/testosterone therapy

I think everyone should use it at our age, for sure. ... Recommended by doctors with a prescription. That's how you should be using it.

Alex Rodriguez is a piece of shit and a liar

A-Rod, you know what I'm talking about, you piece of shit. ... He's a scumbag. I don't like that. He was cheating on Jennifer Lopez. ... I was there when it happened.

I'm a six-four, 270-pound genetic freak — women want to breed with me just for the kids

She wanted to have, you know, my daughter's supermodel. So I breed super kids, obviously. I'm six foot four, 270 pound super athlete. So I'm a genetic freak. So I have, I've had plenty of women wanted to breed with me just for the kids.

'What kind of bullshit show is this?'

What kind of bullshit show is this?

I know more about steroids than most doctors and endocrinologists

I know more about steroids than most doctors, most endocrinologists. Believe me when I tell you that.

Jose Canseco is not a real fighter; I have seen him hide in the dugout during brawls

Jose is not a fighter. I see personally drill him. Drill him. And half of the team was in the middle of the field when we turned around. Jose is still in the dugout. Jose is not a fighter. Jose just wanted you to show him respect and love when he was playing.

Passively watching the Pro Bowl is the football equivalent of the Masters for napping

The Pro Bowl really was like... The football equivalent of the Masters in terms of a great nap day, like a wonderful nap Sunday was watching neither offense or defensive line really get out of the three-point stances at all.

Patrick Reed is objectively good for the sport of golf because he's a villain

If you're a golf fan and you're so angry at Patrick Reed that you want him out of golf, you have to question whether you're a golf fan. Because guys who get this type of reaction on a Saturday afternoon in January on a tournament... That's good for golf.

The Patriots cheated the Jaguars in the 2017 AFC Championship game

I'm like, Tom, you a fucking cheater. You a cheater... I said, I know what happened. Y'all cheated us.

The 'Reddit millionaires' will be the funniest class of millionaires ever

I need the quote-unquote trolls of the internet... to be the power players and shift the entire dynamic... the Reddit millionaires are going to be fucking hilarious.

The United States only unites if aliens start a war with us

The only way that the USA could come back together and all pull on the same side is if aliens came down to earth and start a war with us, then we'd all be like, yeah, fuck you. We'll fight against it.

Analysis cannot ruin comedy

I am of the belief that you can't ruin it by analyzing it... W.C. Fields, he's the one that said, he goes, I can't tell you what's funny. I can't tell you why. And my thing is part of my fascination with comedy has always been trying to figure out the why.

Jackass is the most universal and primal form of comedy

I honestly think that you could show Jackass to anybody that's ever lived in any society, in any civilization, and they would laugh at it... From the Sumerians to today... it's just primal.

The stock market 'pause button' was hit only to save the fat cats

The game's rigged. They literally rigged it in plain sight... The fat cats in Wall Street are basically going to figure it out, going to blame the small guy, going to make new rules. Like, we've already seen it.

A billionaire without a sports team is doing life wrong

I also think that it's a big red flag to me that if somebody's a billionaire and they don't own a sports team, it's like, what are you doing? What has all this been for? What's the point? If you're not going to spend money on something cool.

Barry Bonds is the greatest baseball player of all time

Tom Verducci filling out a baseball Hall of Fame ballot and leaving the greatest baseball player of all time, Barry Bonds, off of it.

Baseball Hall of Fame voting should be left to the fans

Leave it up to the fans. Let the fans vote. You buried it. Maybe because you've convinced yourself over the years that you're so important that everybody should look up to you because you get to check a piece of paper.

You can pull down all the statues you want, it won't change the facts of what happened in history

I'm also looking around and seeing people today convinced they can change our present by altering the past. You can pull down all the statues you want. It's not going to change the facts of what happened. We can't improve the future by shining up the past. It is what it is.

Matt LaFleur's decision to kick a field goal on 4th and goal was the most cowardly move ever

The most cowardice field goal of all time. Matt LaFleur, I do not understand what you're doing. The decision to kick a field goal with two 10 to 15 left, three timeouts down eight on the seven yard line fourth and goal so that you can seemingly go from down one score to down one score... was so beyond.

Todd Bowles is a top 8 coach in the NFL

I'm taking out my take that I retired like three years ago. Todd Bowles, great coach. Todd Bowles, top eight coach in the NFL.

Tom Brady has lost a step of quickness in the pocket

I don't know if it's the arm strength, by the way. I think his arm strength is almost still there. It's weirdly like his quickness in the pocket. I think that has lost a tiny little step that makes it a little harder for the throws.

Three Super Bowl titles is the threshold for a dynasty

I think dynasty is always three of four or three in a row. You need to win three titles to have official claim of a dynasty or decade. I think that's fair.

Coach K is a quintessential jerk for belittling a student reporter

Coach K was asked the question... by a student reporter from the Duke Chronicle... asking Coach K where do you guys go from here which is a very routine question... and Coach K essentially embarrassed and belittled this kid... How can you defend this, Hank? He's such a jerk. He's a quintessential jerk.

Philip Rivers would have won more Super Bowls than Eli Manning if their roles were reversed

If the Chargers had drafted Eli Manning and he didn't hold out and demand a trade to the Giants? I think that Phillip Rivers would have won more Super Bowls than Eli Manning did.

Tom Brady's competitive stamina is unmatched by anyone

His competitive stamina is second to zero to no one. Absolutely no one. I mean, he comes in every day with a purpose, with trying to improve something. He eats, breathes and sleeps this stuff. I've never doubted him, and I don't think anyone should.