Takes

Britney Spears' Instagram comments are a clandestine hub for Russian spies

I think we talked about this a couple weeks ago with Britney Spears' Instagram comments being like a meeting place for Russian spies and hackers. ... It's basically like a park bench in St. Petersburg with two guys in trench coats dropping off briefcases to each other.

Chick-fil-A would sell 16% more chicken if they opened on Sundays

I've actually got a foolproof idea for how you guys can sell at least 16% more chicken. ... Open your [restaurants] on Sundays. That's the only day of the week that I want to eat Chick-fil-A is when I'm hungover on Sunday and it's always closed.

The Bulls front office vote for Executive of the Year was a self-vote by Gar Foreman

Gar Foreman, he got a single vote for executive of the year. ... I still think it was himself I think it was himself it's like James Harden getting one vote for defensive player of the year yeah survey says it was himself

In Youngstown, 90% of a bar will turn around if you yell 'Hey Coach'

It's like if you ever go to Chuck E. Cheese and say, hey, Dad, just scream out, Dad, everybody turns around. If you go into the bocce ball tournament and say, hey, Coach, like 90% of the bar turns around. They're like, you talking to me?

Golf celebrations are best when they are simple hat tips rather than failed physical coordination

I think golf celebrations are best executed when it's just the two guys taking their hats off and tipping them at each other. Just like a real, let's keep it, let's crawl before we learn how to walk, let alone run. The golf celebration is just you take your visor off before you shake the guy's hand.

If you stay in a bar that is uncomfortably hot, you are a crazy person

If you go into a bar that is hot and you don't leave immediately, you're a crazy person. I will absolutely call a night like, alright, night's over if I walk into a bar and it is uncomfortably hot in there.

60s and 70s rock was specifically made to be listened to in a car on the highway

Bands in the late 60s and 70s made all of their music so that it sounded beautiful in a car going 75 miles on the highway.

The story about Mike Leach locking a player in a shed is likely misunderstood

I don't believe [Mike Leach] did it then either. I think that whole story got a little bit mixed up.

Kevin Love is the perfect fall guy for LeBron James because he won't talk back

Actually we kind of predicted this, that Kevin Love was going to be the fall guy. Everyone knows you need a fall guy. Chris Carter told everyone, need a fall guy. Kevin Love is the perfect fall guy for LeBron [James] because Kevin Love's never going to say anything. He's not going to subtweet. He's just going to go about his business.

Russell Wilson is at the bottom of NFL coolness

Derek Carr is pretty much a great player, pretty lame dude. Way cooler than Russell Wilson. But to be chirping Russell Wilson and ball-busting Russell Wilson, Russell Wilson is actually at the bottom of NFL players when it comes to coolness.

If you are getting chirped by Derek Carr, you need to reevaluate your image

If you're getting stunted on by Derek Carr, it's time to reevaluate your image a little bit.

If Serena Williams were an NFL player she would be a nickel cornerback for the Jets

If she was in the NFL, she'd probably be like a nickel cornerback at best for the Jets.

Minnesota fans are not allowed to use the nickname 'Jimmy G. Buckets'

You do not get to call him Jimmy G. Buckets. That's Stacey King. That doesn't transfer. That does not transfer. Stacey can call him Jimmy G Buckets. Jimmy gets buckets. You can't then have that.

I am officially authorizing Minnesota fans to call Jimmy Butler 'Jimmy G. Buckets'

I'm going to go ahead right now and officially authorize Minnesota to call him Jimmy G Buckets. If you live in Minnesota, go for it.

The Vegas Golden Knights jerseys suck

Those jerseys suck. Bad sleeves. Suck. It's like they tried to get as many colors as they could fit on a sleeve... A fictional 2004 franchise in Madden has better jerseys than a 2017 real-life franchise. It's really bad.

Driving a golf cart across your own green is the definition of 'Fuck You' money

That's the definition of fuck you money is driving across your own golf courses green. Yeah, that – it doesn't get more ball. He's a baller.

Putting your airplane seat up during landing is useless

Why the fuck do I have to put my seat up when I'm landing in an airplane? What the fuck is going on? What the fuck's going to happen if my seat doesn't go up? It's like one of those seats that creeped back even without me pressing the button... the woman asked me like four times to put my seat up.

Incoming college freshmen should break up with their long-term girlfriends

So I've been dating my girlfriend for around a year now. [Billy Football]: Okay, dumper. Break up. Pretty easy stuff.

Rugby is the best sport to lie about playing to pick up women

Clear answer, obvious rugby. Rugby does it. We pay money to each other and we buy equipment and beer. We have socials with other sports teams and we sing songs.

LeBron James is the actual General Manager of the Cleveland Cavaliers

It's funny because people do make the joke that LeBron James is the GM of the Cavaliers, but you can tell from some of the trades. Like the Channing Frye trade, you can tell which one's not a LeBron trade. It's like if you listen to a Beatles album, you're like, Ringo wrote that song. I can tell that's a Ringo special.

Wikipedia is the greatest website of all time

My number one is Wikipedia. The best website of all time. I don't think I even need to explain it. We have a Wikipedia club.

The 2003 Yahoo Fantasy Football page was perfection

Michelangelo never created anything close to the perfection. That was on the 2003 Yahoo Fantasy Football homepage.

Attractive people shouldn't be good at anything because it makes them impossible to make fun of

If you're an attractive person, you shouldn't be good at anything. Give me one flaw that I can make fun of you for on Twitter and make me feel better as a person. [Brooks Koepka] has an attractive girlfriend. He just won like $3 million. He's attractive. He's the U.S. Open winner. Fuck this guy.

The ESPN Trade Machine is the most fun role-playing game in existence

The ESPN trade machine is back in a big way. I don't even know what the hell I'm doing on it. I'm just clicking on players' names, and when you get one that says, 'this trade is successful,' you feel like you've beaten a level in a video game. The trade machine is the most fun role-playing game that you'll ever play in your life.

Madison Square Garden is the best place to play in the NBA

My number one pick, my favorite city always to visit is New York. The Garden is one of the most fun places to play. Just the energy, even when they're not as good or even if they have more hype. It's always a good crowd, great city.

Toronto is a premier NBA city because it is culturally diverse and a great tax city to play in

Number three, I'm going Toronto. North of the border. Toronto's great, culturally diverse country. Solid fans, great tax city to play in. Also Drake, you could be friends with Drake.

Boston is a top-four NBA city to visit and play in

I'll tell you, I went with Boston as number four. Great call. I think definitely half of me [loves it]. I mean, half of me loves it. The other half, it's hit and miss. It depends on who I run into.

Indianapolis is a top-tier walkable and 'scootable' sports city

I have never had a bad time in the city of Indianapolis. It's a very walkable city... I hate DUIs even more [than walking]. It's a very scootable city. If you have a scooter, it's easy to get around.

Portland is the #1 NBA city because the fans have nothing else to do except hike and watch basketball

I actually, along those same lines, I went Portland. Especially with the old Jailblazers. Those guys used to have a real good time out there. I think Portland has some of the best fans... That's because they're homeless, so they don't have anywhere else to go. No one in Portland has a job. They move around from bookstore to food truck to Trailblazers games.

Homer Simpson is the greatest sitcom dad of all time because every man aspires to live like him

Number one, I have Homer Simpson. That's a no-brainer. We all grew up idolizing Homer. In fact, every man's life is spent getting to a place where he can just live his life like Homer Simpson. Every man's dream. How'd you know I wanted to always dress in a muumuu?

Frank Costanza belongs on the Mount Rushmore of TV dads

My number one, Frank Costanza. Yes, that's a good one. Classic, classic. Frank is definitely on my Mount Rushmore of TV dads. And he hates George.

Mike Brady is a beta male for raising kids that aren't his

Mike Brady [is] raising somebody else's kids. He's got to pay for all their education and their trips to Disney World. Those weren't even his kids. He's not a real man. He's a beta male. He's stuck paying for an alpha male's problem.

Alan Thicke is a top-four sitcom dad because he launched Leonardo DiCaprio's career

My fourth and final pick: The late, great Alan Thicke, Growing Pains. Iconic, launched the career of the biggest movie star and the consummate stick man, Leonardo DiCaprio. Alan Thicke rounds off my top four of sitcom dads.

Kevin Durant should lean into the 'fart face' rumors to be relatable

The reason why people hate you [Kevin Durant] right now is that you joined a 73-win team to win a title. Give us something to make you relatable. Be the fart face guy. It actually humanizes him a little bit, doesn't it?

Number 56 makes a defensive end look the fastest on the field

I believe as a 32-year-old white defensive end, I would decide on picking the number that made me look the fastest. [Number 56].

Kevin Durant is a 'baby back bitch' for refusing to come on the podcast to address 'fart face' rumors

Kevin Durant has answered my tweet. He said, nah, I'm good. Appreciate it. I asked him to come on the podcast to discuss. And I guess he does not want to discuss the fart face shit. So too bad. Maybe I was right all along when I said he was a baby back bitch.

Tim Tebow just needs to have sex to fix his baseball issues

Tim Tebow just needs to have sex. It's gotten to that point, Tim. That's too much aggression. I mean, a bat going into the first five rows, that happens. A bat going into the second deck. That's a guy who needs to have some sex. Just come once.

Freshman should always get a roommate instead of a single

Got to get a roommate. The guy who gets the single, he's immediately judged like, oh, you're better than us. And it becomes a party room. You're a freak. The guy who has a single room, there's always questions. Freshman year, just get a roommate, deal with it.

The whole world would benefit from Conor McGregor beating Floyd Mayweather

The world needs McGregor to win. That would be the best. The whole world would benefit from McGregor winning.

Phil Mickelson shouldn't have taken a spot in the US Open if he wasn't committed to playing

I feel bad for all the kids and their families up there in Wisconsin that they get one chance a year to see their favorite golfer. And the dads probably buy tickets... And then big superstar decides to sit this one out. That doesn't happen in other sports.

Michael Jordan is the GOAT

Michael Jordan. The GOAT.

I would rather get attacked by a dog than fly on Spirit or Allegiant Air

Spirit and Allegiant Air, I would rather get attacked by a dog than fly on any one of those airlines.

I would rather move across the country to keep my current cable provider than move down the street and have to change it

I'd rather pick up all my stuff and move across country if I could keep my cable providers than move down the street if I had to change them.

Cell phone and cable companies are the best businesses because customers are ignorant but need the product

There are two businesses that you really should be in... the cell phone business and in the cable business. Because when you are in a business where the customers don't understand what it's all about, what the bills are all about, but they need it, what better business could that be?

The 'full sock overhaul' is a life-changing hack where you throw out all socks and buy 60 identical pairs

I did this a couple years ago. It changed my entire life... I called it a full sock overhaul. And I threw out all my socks, and I went and I bought the exact same pair of socks. I bought like 60 of them. So that way you can never actually lose one.

Draymond Green is an all-time classic heel

I'm a big fan of [Draymond Green]... all-time classic heel. He had a shirt that said Quickie in the Quicken Loans font... I need this feud, though, to keep going... because I think Draymond clearly gets under LeBron's skin.

Every season is ass-eating season

It never goes out of season. Well, maybe like the dog days or something. August is not for asses. Asses are like Europe. They just take August off.

LaVar Ball is on a mission to sell the shittiest products for the highest prices possible

I think LaVar Ball is on a mission to sell the shittiest products for the highest prices possible. Yes, the least desirable products. It's actually a smart move of him, though, to limit the number that he could sell this time.

I would rather die than have my fiancée save my life with the Heimlich maneuver

I'd rather die. I'd rather die. You can't have someone just walking around being like, I saved your life.

LeBron James is still the best player in the NBA

I just want it on the record that I do still think LeBron is the best player in the NBA, but what Kevin Durant did in the finals was fantastic.