Takes

The worst part of vacation is waking up on the third day after binge drinking

Waking up on the third day after binge drinking for two days, and it really just all sets in. I think Thursday. I basically just slept all day.

Different state laws are a top reason to stay home rather than go on vacation

Changing state laws. Like getting arrested in Virginia with a radar scanner... So I just like to stay home and I'll come to work anytime. This is way better than a cubicle by any means.

Truck nuts are the ultimate indicator of a douchebag

I will start with truck nuts. Truck nuts are the Mount Flushmore of car accessories. If you see a dude with truck nuts, he is 100% a douchebag.

Car eyelashes are a psycho move and reveal specific lifestyle traits

The front lights eyelashes. Psycho move... VW bug, throw the eyelashes on, probably own at least three pugs. Like the Venn diagram for pug ownership and eyelashes on your car is a big circle. And yeah, probably living a life alone.

0.0 bumper stickers are the new leader for lamest car accessory

I actually think there's a new number one leader when it comes to distances that's way worse, the 0.0. I think that's the lamest. That one used to be funny, now it's so lame. The 0.0 is now worse than the half mile.

ESPN canceling 'Barstool Van Talk' was a bad business decision that alienated a key demographic

My second pick, I will go with ESPN canceling Barstool Van Talk and making an entire demographic of young male adult sports fans hate them forever. Good pick.

Vince Carter's dunk over Frederic Weis is the most vicious in basketball history

Fredrik Weiss not getting out of the way of Vince Carter worst business is very is he's ever made? Yep. Yep. It was vicious nut dragging dunk in history of basketball.

LeBron James is one of the worst teammates of all time because he takes all the credit and trades everyone else

LeBron James. Can't be fun to be his teammate. You're always, always in fear that he's like, if you do well, he's going to take all the credit. If you do bad, he's probably going to trade you off the team.

I have never had a bloody nose in my entire life

Good time to remind people that people don't believe me, but I've never had a bloody nose in my entire life. And I've been hit hard. Not a drug guy. Never had a bloody nose. I just don't think my nose can bleed.

The PT Cruiser is an objectively terrible car

Right off the bat, PT Cruiser. Easy. Bad car.

The Volkswagen Beetle is a lame car with two historically bad iterations

Whatever the fucking bubble-top Volkswagen car is. Lame. The Bug. Two bad iterations. One, it was Hitler's car. Two, when they brought it back and everyone was like, 'This is cool.' And it's like, no, it's not. It had a flower pot in it. Lame.

The original Hummer is the ultimate car of 'small dick energy'

I'll go with the original Hummer. When they had the Hummer out and it was the ultimate small dick energy car. If you've ever been in an original Hummer, they literally were not comfortable cars. They were terrible cars, gas guzzlers, all that shit. You basically just bought one to tell everyone that you're a badass, which actually means you're not a badass.

You shouldn't own a Jeep Wrangler unless you actually go off-roading

Unless you live on the beach and are doing off-roading on a fairly average basis, you shouldn't have a Jeep Wrangler. If you have a Jeep Wrangler in Massachusetts... you're not getting the use out of it that you need to. You're just doing it for a status symbol.

The Enterprise car wrapped in wrapping paper is the worst car in the world

The worst car in the world is the Enterprise pick-me-up car that's wrapped in a fucking wrapping paper. It's impractical. It drives me nuts. I hate that car. Enterprise car with the wrapping paper.

Driving a Ford Ranger means you have no friends

The Ranger is good for nothing except helping your friends move. That's it. If you drive a Ranger, you're telling me, I don't have friends. I'm looking for play dates so badly that I will do your chores for you.

Saabs are trash because they are impossible to get fixed

Saabs suck. Saabs are trash. Because you're basically buying a car that's like, you can't get this fixed anywhere. You have to go to the foreign auto shop. Saabs are bad.

White Volkswagen Jettas are strictly for drug dealers and girlfriends

White Jetta is just your girlfriend's car. Or a high school drug dealer. Like, hey, this isn't expensive but it's kind of nice... I would actually say that probably 33% of Pardon My Take listeners have either dated a girl that drives a Jetta or bought marijuana from somebody that drives a Jetta.

Water polo is the worst sport to participate in because you spend the whole time trying to drown each other

Water polo... why let's play keep away while we try to drown each other? No thanks. Treading water the whole time, you gotta be dealing with the worst cramps in the world. I can't imagine just having people just grab you try to hold you under water.

Cycling is just a more boring version of NASCAR

I'd watch basically anything except for cycling. Cycling is it's a more boring version of NASCAR.

Dasani is the worst bottled water in the world.

My first one I'm going to go straight forward and say Dasani. Dasani water is trash, all of it, it's the world's worst water. It just tastes like shit.

Coconut water is a lie and tastes terrible.

I'm gonna go with coconut water. Trash. Someone tried to sell us that coconut water fixes hangovers. That's a fucking lie. Coconut water stinks. I don't like it. It just gives you a weird aftertaste. Just drink regular water.

Any soda with 'Zero' in the name is not a real soda and is trash.

Any soda that has a zero is just not a real soda. You try and get it as an option called Mountain Dew Zero, Sprite Zero... Trash.

Brooks Koepka looks like a crooked Florida highway patrolman with his mustache.

He looks like a combination of every host of Cum Town. He looks like a crooked cop. With the mustache, he looks like a crooked Florida highway patrolman. A crooked cop that will just take the cocaine right off of you and send you on your way.

Tom Brady's Twitter game is currently terrible.

Tom Brady's Twitter game sucks already. Can someone tell Tommy he doesn't have to have the '@' in front of his name? He said unnecessary '@'. I quote one of his tweets and said 'can someone tell Tommy he doesn't have to have the at in front of his name?' 20 minutes later it was gone. It was gone because someone did. I shamed him.

Byron Leftwich can throw a ball farther than Tom Brady can right now.

I bet you Byron Leftwich can throw a ball farther than Tom Brady right now. He's another one of those guys saying like 'where's the... I just get out there and pearl cannons to each other.' Leftwich could be 70 years old and having his old offensive lineman carry him around on one leg and throw an 85 yard bomb.

I'm afraid of being the person walking past a musician in a viral video

My first one is being in a viral video of musicians on the subway... every time I see a musician in the subway, I'll just stand there for at least like 30 seconds. Just so I'm not one of the people in the video where it's like look at this guy, Paul McCartney playing and you just went right by.

I am afraid that someone will use my spit to frame me for a murder

I am always afraid... that someone will be able to use my spit and frame me for a murder. I'm just spitting my DNA everywhere. Someone's going to like basically catch it and be like, we got him now.

I am afraid that I will impulsively grab a police officer's gun

You know how when you see a police officer in line at like a Starbucks... and you're like what would happen if I just grab the gun? I'm always afraid that someday I'm just going to grab the gun. Not do anything with it, but just grab the gun and be like, got your gun!

I'm afraid the entire world is just a Matrix simulation

I'm afraid that this entire world like us sitting here right now is just an imagination of one huge species... every now and then I'm like, we're definitely in The Matrix and none of this is real. None of it. The last year has been very strong evidence.

Anchovies are actually delicious and only hated because of Ninja Turtles propaganda

Anchovies are not that bad. They only get a bad rap because of cartoons. You were told from a young age [by] the Ninja Turtles... That's actually not at all what anchovies are. They are delicious. They just taste like salt... There's been a tremendous propaganda effort against anchovies and sardines for most of my adult life.

Raw onions on a burger are a lazy topping that overpowers everything else

I'm going to go with raw onion. Just raw onion on a burger. It doesn't matter if it's red or if it's white onion—it can overpower the entire rest of the day. It's significant... it's a sign of a shitty sports bar burger.

Artichokes are a disgusting pizza topping

Artichokes are disgusting... Artichokes on pizza is disgusting. As soon as you start doing dips, because every dip when you're like, 'Oh yeah, the spinach artichoke dip is good'—it's like probably a shitload of butter or cheese that makes it good.

Shrimp is a disgusting pizza topping

Shrimp on pizza is disgusting... The texture of shrimp on pizza is very disgusting. It's like the cheese and the shrimp together just don't work. Cheese and shrimp? I wouldn't have cheese and shrimp.

Alfalfa sprouts on a sandwich are like flossing with disgusting pew hair

I'm going to go with alfalfa sprouts. Sprouts in general on a sandwich. It's like you're flossing with pew... jolly green giant. Really, really disgusting stuff.

Gummy bears are a terrible ice cream topping because they get rock hard

Gummy bears on ice cream... disgusting. They get so hard when you go to like frozen yogurt bars. The consistency of a gummy bear is completely ruined when it's put on ice cream and the flavors never match up.

Animal style fries at In-N-Out are wildly overrated

Animal style sauce on fries at In-N-Out. I think it's wildly overrated. I really do. Animal sauce on the burger... that adds something. Animal sauce on fries just becomes disgusting and you're like what are we doing eating a bunch of soggy fries? It's a cool hipster thing to do.

Heinz is the perfect ketchup and house-made versions are always inferior

I'm going to go with homemade ketchup or house-made ketchup. If you're at a restaurant and they have like a burger or fries and you ask for ketchup and they make it themselves—I just can't stop thinking all I ever want is Heinz. Heinz will never be topped... I would rather die on my feet than die also on my knees eating inferior ketchup.

Ketchup is a disgusting mask for people with bad taste

Ketchup period. Ketchup is disgusting. Anyone who jumps—it's a mask. It's the same as buffalo sauce. If you need to have ketchup—like people that eat pizza but I need to have ketchup... it's just a masquerade. People that eat ketchup get addicted to it.

South Dakota is the most unremarkable state in America

The most unremarkable State I don't even know if we have a listener here. If we do have a listener here tweet us. We'd love to hear from the listeners in the great state of South Dakota. who the fuck cares

Mississippi is a miserable place and a no-brainer for Mount Flushmore

An absolute no-brainer a few years ago. I did a a college tour... every state had a great time in pretty much all of them. The only one that was a bad time. Just a miserable place to be Mississippi. Oh, wow.

New York would be nice if it wasn't for the 80% of the population that is here

I will go with the state. We're all in right now, New York. Wooohooo! York State the Big Apple... since this quarantine is started... you realize a New York could be nice if like 80% of the population, which is All the time because like walking around during quarantine. It's nice.

Church is one of the worst places to be drunk

My number one, I'll go with... Church. If you just like taking sacrament too many times, blood of Jesus. You're the biggest lightweight of all time and you're an embarrassment.

Meeting your significant other's family for the first time is the worst place to be drunk

With your significant other's family for the first time. You do not want to be that guy. You will 100% be that guy or girl because you will 100% or it's a big experience. It's gotta happen someday further down the line, but at first... you then become the drunk guy forever.

Taking a tequila shot right before sex makes you a 'stallion'

Right before you have sex. Dude, I'm about to be a stallion. You don't have the anxiety. You don't know if it's not going to work yet. In that moment if you're [drunk] I'm just gonna go for it.

A 'nice light buzz' is the best way to fly on a plane

A nice light buzz is a great thing to have on a plane. You can't get too drunk on a plane because then it really starts to suck, but a nice light buzz is a great thing to have.

Robert California's character marked the end of The Office being good

I'll go with Robert California that fucking soaked... then Robert California just it's like, alright, this show is completely over.

Vincent Chase is a terrible TV character

I think Vincent Chase is a fucking terrible character. Vinnie Chase. I hate Vinnie Chase... What does Vinnie Chase do that's memorable besides make stupid decisions, box smoke shows, and hang out and smoke weed?

Sautéing onions with butter is the greatest smell ever

Sautéing onions is like the greatest smell ever. Yeah, some butter.

Circus Peanuts are the most trash candy ever invented

My first one is no-brainer: circus peanuts. They suck. Universally regarded as the most trash candy to ever be invented... I think they're just invented so like dads can have candy that they know that their kids won't eat.

Rolos are trash because they feel like they are going to pull your teeth out

Rolos are trash. You take a bite of Rolos, I feel like every time I take a bite of Rolos my tooth is coming out with it.