Takes

I have become a whiz at the computer recently

I've become a wizard at the computer. I really have. I turn it on. I can shut it off. I did something because I'm up at five o'clock in the morning and I bet neither one of you would realize that I have Wi-Fi in this condo.

Jay Mariotti and Woody Page have officially broken up

PFT... broke the heartbreaking news that Jay Mariotti and Woody Page have broken up... For the last couple of shows, it's just been Jay. Strictly Mariotti. No, there hasn't been an announcement... I needed Woody to counterbalance Jay.

Buffalo Wild Wings is a moth to a flame that draws you in during airport delays

Flight got delayed for like two hours, and I was just staring at a Buffalo Wild Wings... My diet lasted about 10 hours because that Buffalo Wild Wings drew me in like a moth to a flame. And I was just like, I'll take five.

Buffalo Wild Wings' wings are finally getting good again

Their wings got bad there for a little while. They're coming back, though. The wings are good. They got bigger wings.

Power ranking of sports figures: 1. Football Guy, 2. Hockey Lifer, 3. Baseball Man, 4. Basketball Mind

Football guy number one. We got to go hockey lifer number two because that guy's seen some shit. You have to cross the border 20 times a year. He knows all the smuggling tricks. Hockey lifer's number two. Baseball man, number three. And then basketball mind, number four in my book.

Rage Against the Machine's debut self-titled album is their best

I would go, to be honest, their first album might be the best, to be honest. You don't skip a song on that album. You don't. Yeah, absolutely true. You can just throw it on. It's a perfect workout music.

Kobe Bryant was a self-made player who maximized his game through meticulous practice

The thing with Kobe too, is he really does work on his game. I always tell people he's a self-made player and people always kind of leave that out. He's obviously athletic, but that guy used to work on pivoting, passing, just weird stuff. He put in the time and obviously reaped the benefits from it.

It only counts as Opening Day if you can skip work and get drunk during the day

I only count it as opening day if you can skip work and get drunk during the day and watch baseball. Otherwise, like a Sunday night, I could do that any other week of the year.

Opening Day should always be on a Monday so everyone can skip work and get drunk together.

You have to have opening day be like a Monday. Everyone can skip work, get drunk. There's a lot of games together. Shout out to Johnny Bench. He was absolutely right. I hate what they've done [with Sunday night games].

Peanuts are the most underrated ballpark snack and they are actually healthy because they are pure protein.

I'm also a big peanuts guy. I think peanuts are very underrated. I know that also when I eat peanuts, I tell myself they're not, like, unhealthy because, you know, nuts. It's protein. ... Whereas, like, I'll eat a whole bag of peanuts at the park, and I know there's probably 2000 calories and like 17 grams of sodium but that's okay in my head i think it's healthy.

Double rims are the worst thing in basketball because you can't make a shot unless you swish it.

Is there anything worse than like meeting up with your friends playing pickup basketball and you get to a place and it's double rims? ... You can't make a shot unless you swish it. Like it's the worst feeling. It's such like a sink in the gut that you get when you see those damn double rims.

Roy Williams is legitimately smarter about basketball than any sports reporter

As crazy as it is for Roy to be this surly to everyone, especially after a win, he's not wrong. He does know way more about basketball than we do. So when you second guess him on that stuff... in terms of X's and O's, I don't know... he's smarter.

Opening Day should be a national holiday

Kingsford came to me, and it was the idea that Cincinnati forever was the first game of the season... I'm actually pushing for a national baseball day. I don't know why, you know, if I were elected president... that we shouldn't have a baseball day, and everybody just has one thing in mind, and that's going to the ballparks.

The Cubs have a shot to win it all this year because their young players look professional

I think that's fine. You know, you got a lot of young guys that have really come up out of the minor leagues and have just absolutely performed, and they come up with so much confidence, and they really look professional, and it's exciting to see... You got a shot.

My fantasy baseball strategy is to just draft the consensus best players in the league

If I was picking my fantasy team right now, I'd take Clayton Kershaw, Bryce Harper, Mike Trout, Chris Sale. Throw in a Cub. I'll take Anthony Rizzo and Chris Bryant. I'll take those guys, too. I don't know if you can find – I mean, that's pretty good drafting on my part.

Everyone in the NBA is tradable

I played this game. Everybody's tradable. It's not like – You know, some guys, you know, when you're a broadcaster, you never played. I played in the NBA. I've been traded. So it happens. It's a business.

Buddy Hield's game is reminiscent of Michael Redd because of his size and unorthodox scoring ability

Well, his game reminds me of Michael Redd, the Ohio State player... He was a big-time scorer, about 6'4", 6'5", unorthodox, could shoot it from anywhere. He kind of reminds me of Michael Redd.

Use the 'Jenny' phone number (867-5309) at drug stores to get rewards discounts without giving your real info

If you go to a CVS or really any grocery store that has a rewards program and they ask you to enter in your phone number... if you type in 8-6-7-5-3-0-9, the Jenny number... That will usually get you a discount because people don't want to give their actual number.

A heartbreaking three-point loss is more mentally devastating than a twenty-point blowout

I feel like if Wisconsin loses by three points, it's a lot worse for your psyche and your mental state than losing by 20 points because you've checked out at halftime in the UNC case.

Syracuse's defense is as unpredictable as a knuckleball pitcher

Syracuse's defense to me is like R.A. Dickey's knuckleball and – when he's got it working, it's unhittable. But then when it's not working, he just gets fucking rocked. Like, that's how I feel about Syracuse. And right now, like, the knuckleball's humming.

Malcolm Brogdon is a top 3 player in the country

He has Malcolm Brogdon, who is... maybe the best player in the country, probably not, but he's certainly one of the top three players in the country.

North Carolina is untouchable if they continue to hit three-pointers

UNC, the way to beat them is that they don't make threes, and for some reason they're making threes... if they're shooting like that, yeah, no one's touching them... If they shoot like they are, they're untouchable.

If you coach for one year, you earn the title 'Coach' for life

I think that if you coach for one year, you get to be, you get to decide if you want to be called coach or not... no one called Dick Vitale coach. So you do have a point there.

Duke will be the #1 team in the country next season (2016-17)

Duke's going to be the number one team in the country next year. They're going to be amazing. So I want [Grayson Allen] back. I want him leading the charge.

Baseball players are the best at suffering bizarre, non-game injuries

Baseball players are the best at this. This is a classic spring training. Baseball players hurt or injured. Chris Sale did it last year getting off his truck... Sammy Sosa tore his back with a sneeze.

Robert Griffin III performs best when there are no expectations

He performs really well when he has low expectations. So I think it's a good fit for that. Like he went to Baylor. Nobody expected him to do shit at Baylor. Played well there. Played well his first year in Washington. I mean, nobody expects a Redskins quarterback to be very good. And then once they got to the playoffs, all of a sudden he had expectations.

The best way to cure a hangover in Las Vegas is to breathe the oxygen pumped into the casinos

Actually, the best thing to do in Vegas if you're hungover is to go down to the casino and start playing some cards or go to the sports book because they pump oxygen into the casinos. And so if you want to not be tired anymore, just go down there and breathe that thick-ass air, and you'll be okay much faster than if you got an IV.

I am almost completely done with the 2016 Chicago Bulls

I thought there was no way in hell that the Chicago Bulls would lose two back-to-back games against the New York Knicks. Boy, was I wrong. So that one was a big-time Jimbo. Hurt me in the wallet. Hurt me in the heart. Hurt me in the soul. I am so close to being hashtag done with the Chicago Bulls.

A nose tackle is the best job in the NFL

I would love to be a nose tackle in the NFL because your job description is like eat as much shit as you want, as long as you can stand up and just not fall over backwards from your own girth. Just be so big that it takes two people to touch you at the same time.

Michigan State's loss to Middle Tennessee was a total shock

I thought Michigan State... were getting set for a run. And the way they got beat, man... They looked slow. They looked sluggish. They got their ass beat, and they got it beat all day. That surprised me more than anything. I don't get shocked much, but that was a shock.

Kansas will win the 2016 National Championship

I thought it was going to be Michigan State and North Kansas. And I like Kansas to win. I liked them before the tournament. I like them now.

The inconsistency of NCAA tournament referees makes it impossible for players to adjust

The refs not only aren't consistent game to game, they're not consistent in game. If you watch the Wisconsin Xavier game, the first 10 minutes they let them play. They let them bang down low. Then the last 30 minutes, it was ticky-tack all the way through. They were calling every little contact. I just don't know how, as a player, you can handle that.

The NCAA tournament needs to provide fans with a 'come down drug' to help transition back to reality on Monday

They need to give you a come down drug tomorrow. Like the fact that we don't get anything [on Monday] is bullshit. You expect everyone to go from this great event that lasted a full entire long weekend to reality on Monday. You can't do that.

Magic Johnson's tweets are 'electric' because he only states the blindingly obvious

I love Magic Johnson... He is Siri in Twitter form. He states the obvious over and over, and it's electric every time. Today he tweeted, the San Antonio Spurs proved to the NBA and themselves that they can beat the Golden State Warriors with their 87-79 win last night. I mean, the [Spurs] proved that they could beat the Golden State Warriors by beating the Golden State Warriors. That's pretty deep.

Life's too short to bet the unders

I obviously bet overs today. I lasted two games before I broke my one rule that I had spent the entire week pep talking myself into... life's too short to bet the unders in life.

March Madness is the best time of year for office small talk

Is this the best time of year for small talk? ... Because everyone just walking around being like, oh, did you have Yale over Baylor? It's just everyone has small talk. ... It's actually outside of maybe like a blizzard. It's the best small talk piece that you can have in an office. Because it's something that affects everybody.

Cincinnati will beat St. Joe's because they are too big and physical

I think Cincinnati, too big and too physical for St. Joe's. St. Joe's wants to play on the perimeter. Cincinnati will beat you up physically. They're not going to wow you with their jump-shooting ability, but I think they'll be able to get easy buckets. So I like Cincinnati in that game, laying the 2, 2.5.

Virginia will cover -7 against Butler on Saturday

Saturday, the game I like the most, at least initially, I don't know how Butler scores more than 50 points against Virginia. I think that's one where you can lay the seven with the Cavaliers and feel pretty confident about doing so.

LeBron James is passive-aggressive and can't spell his own metaphors

That's LeBron James because J.J. Watt would never tweet anything as passive-aggressive as that... He also did spell it wrong. He said, you can't accomplish the dream if everyone isn't dreaming the same thing every day.

There is no better high in the world than getting to cancel plans

The canceled plans, when I get to cancel a plan, there is no better high in the entire world. Actually, no. I should take that back. When someone else cancels plans on me because I never want to do anything anymore. So when they cancel plans on me, then I'm not the shithead who canceled the plans. That's the best feeling in the world.

The 'suh dude' trend will last until the end of the school year

I got to say at least until the end of the school year because it's already second semester and usually that won't wear off until the end.

My son's work ethic is going to be what carries him through his athletic career

His name is Waylon James Long, and he was like seven pounds, five ounces. So he's pretty down the middle as far as measurables are concerned. His work ethic is going to really be what carries him through.

Joey Bosa is more gifted than I was as a prospect

I think he's [Joey Bosa] a little bit more gifted than me. But you got to stick to the rules.

Every NCAA tournament team besides the 16 seeds is 'dangerous' and can 'make some noise'

The tourney is like I looked at the whole bracket besides the 16 seeds. Every team is dangerous. Every team you don't want to play. Every team can make some noise, which we will get into later. I have a list of all the make some noise teams.

Michigan State will be the most-picked non-one seed in Final Fours this year

Michigan State is a non-number one seed that could make some noise. Everyone will pick them in the Final Four now because you don't want to be the guy who goes all number one. So you're like, 'oh, yeah, I didn't go all number ones. I did Michigan State.'

A number one seed only 'makes noise' if they reach the Final Four

If you're a number one seed, you've got to get to the Final Four. I think that would be the only noise that you could make.

Virginia will win the 2016 National Championship

I think Virginia [is the champion]. They're so tough. I watched them the other night, and obviously they didn't win the ACC championship, but I just think they have a good... they're a team I want to see, either Virginia or Michigan State.

Disney and ESPN have the power to push Pardon My Take around as a 'big guy' vs 'little guy' dynamic

Oh, it's definitely ESPN and Disney pushing around the little guy, but they have the ability to push you around. That's what big guys do to little guys. That's what the economy and life is all about, I guess. ... This isn't going to go away unless something is done. I don't think you can keep in the posture that you're in right now and basically get back to them and say, F you. I don't think that's going to get you very far.

People forget that the 1980 US Olympic hockey win over the USSR was not the gold medal game

People forget that when the United States beat the USSR hockey team, that wasn't the gold medal game. [That was the medal round.] I would say actually 60% of America would forget that.

Pardon My Take Will Do Airport Reviews

We're gonna do airport reviews. We're gonna review airports.