Takes

The Bears are now the class of the NFC

I think that we should [talk about the Bears] because they are now the class of the NFC. I'll just say it. Sean McVay can name every single player that picked him off tonight.

I might consider a mid-career position change to tight end

Thinking about maybe, maybe a mid-career position change... Oh, I'm a natural tight end. Always have been.

The Chicago Bulls are an absolute laughingstock of an organization

The dysfunction at the Bulls organization. They are an absolute laughingstock of an organization... They are the most... It's like the Chiefs used to be with Scott Pioli and that whole crew. And they're such little, little people. They're so scared of any criticism... Gar Foreman is a little fucking loser.

The Texans will reach the Super Bowl if they secure a first-round bye

If they get a bye, I think they'll go to the Super Bowl. I will be officially nervous if they get a bye because the whole time I've been like, you know what? They have to win three games. There's no way they're going to win three playoff games.

Joe Flacco should have beaten the Patriots and would have won two Super Bowls — he's more than borderline elite

I'm getting a little steamed up about Joe Flacco because of what you said, borderline elite. People forget he should have beaten the Patriots. He beats the shit out of the Patriots on the road. He should have beaten them in the playoffs that one year. His tight end dropped the ball. His kicker missed a kick. If they had that game won, they would have won another Super Bowl.

Zion Williamson blocking shots into the crowd is effectively a turnover

But when you block a shot and the ball goes into the crowd, that's a turnover. You might as well be turning the ball over, Hank. Why doesn't he catch the balls instead of blocking them?

Urban Meyer will eventually be the head coach at USC

We'll just call him future USC head coach Urban Meyer.

I hope to get into the Hall of Fame despite my mistakes

Look, I really hope and wish that I get in. But ultimately, that's not my decision. But I do think that I have a great opportunity... if that cost me the Hall of Fame, then I have no one to blame but myself.

The Houston Texans are a 'Team of Destiny' to win the Super Bowl

I said to you, by the end of the season, they will have so many stickers and patches on their uniforms and helmets because of all these people dying that are associated with the Texans... This is a team of destiny. They're really good.

The Office will be rebooted within the next six months

I'm now just going to call my shot that within six months, [The Office] will be rebooted... Hank Guarantee. Yep. Six months.

Le'Veon Bell will sign with the Jets for more than $17.5 million per year

I think the Jets, the Jets are the team. And I think the over-under is $17.5 million a year, and I'll take the over.

Sean Payton was trying to be a gentleman by wasting challenges for the Cowboys

I thought it was going to be Sean Payton trying to show off for [Jerry Jones], but instead it was Sean Payton being a gentleman. Tossing his two challenge flags in the first quarter... so that way when there's a terrible first down mark, he can't challenge it in the fourth quarter.

Sean Payton will be the head coach of the Dallas Cowboys in 2019

I've been saying for the last eight months that Sean Payton is going to be the coach of the Dallas Cowboys next year. I'm not saying that Jerry Jones won't offer up a meatball of a trade if he feels like it so he can give Sean Payton a John Gruden-type contract.

Darren Rovell is suspended from Pardon My Take for six months

Darren Rovell, you cannot invite yourself like this on Pardon My Take. We are now hereby suspending you from appearing on this podcast for how long? I say six months, at least.

Alabama would beat Notre Dame by 30 points

I don't think there's going to be much debate, guys, at the end of the weekend... which I think [Alabama] would beat Notre Dame by 30 points.

Aaron Rodgers is more talented than Tom Brady

I think from a talent level, definitely Aaron. I mean, the guy's insanely talented, and he's got a photographic memory... [but] I'm going to say, just because of my personal relationship, Aaron Rodgers [is the GOAT].

Baker Mayfield is pranking Adam Schefter with fake news tips

Baker Mayfield... has been tipping off Adam Schefter with fake shit and making him look like an idiot because he knows we got a little rivalry with the P-Man.

Mike McCarthy intentionally calls bad 4th down plays to spite statisticians

He fucking hates those people that tell him that [to go for it on 4th down]. So he's like fine, you know what, I'll do it. All right, we'll see how it works. And then he kind of intentionally calls the worst part possible so it gets blown up so he can be like, see, I told you. It doesn't work.

Quentin Nelson is a future Hall of Famer

When I'm talking to you guys, and we're talking a decade from now, Quentin Nelson will have been in like nine Pro Bowls and All-Pro like eight times. Safe to stick in this draft. You might as well put a damn mustard-colored jacket on his ass right now.

I still believe Aaron Donald is too undersized to be successful

What Aaron Donald is doing as an interior lineman is insane. I still think [Donald] is too undersized to be successful.

I'm guaranteeing Duke wins the national championship

I'm guaranteeing Duke wins. [Big Cat] is guaranteeing Duke wins.

I'm going to knock out Tito Ortiz in the first round

I actually am thinking I'm going to knock him out in the first round... I don't expect to make that [past] the first round.

The Philadelphia Eagles are officially 'done'

The Eagles, I mean, I don't want to jump ahead here, but they're done. They're dead. We're doing done chain on the Eagles. Can we strip them of the Super Bowl championship... because they have not defended it well.

The craft beer industry is currently being killed by bankers

Craft beer is getting freaking killed right now. And what's happened in the craft beer world... originally when people started making craft beers, they were into the beer. Now they're freaking bankers that are into the money. So half the craft beers now suck.

Urban Meyer's sideline health issues are dramatic acting based on game flow

Urban Meyer... every single time Maryland scored, he looked like he was going to pass out. He was doing the most dramatic things on the sidelines, going to his knees and throwing his headset... And then Ohio State would come down the field and score, and he'd have his hands up, and he'd be like, I'm back, I'm good.

Aaron Rodgers has lost his magic

I think it's time for us to put the done shit on them. I think they're done. I think the magic has gone away from Aaron Rodgers. Listen. I think the pendulum has swung.

The NFC Wild Card round will feature Kirk Cousins vs. the Redskins

My actual premonition, first round of the playoffs, is going to be Kirk Cousins' revenge game against the W-Word Redskins. I'm saying the NFC Wild Card... Vikings are going to win the Wild Card. Oh, and the Redskins are going to win the East.

Bol Bol will get injured this season because he is too tall

My sit-up is Bol Bol. This guy is way too fucking tall. There's no way he makes it this whole season without getting hurt... he wears short shorts, so it makes him look even taller.

Kevin Durant is definitely leaving the Warriors in free agency

The Warriors are imploding and Kevin Durant is definitely leaving after this season in free agency and this is in no way an overreaction.

Bill O'Brien is a bad coach who will never win a Super Bowl

Bill O'Brien's a bad coach and no way he's going to win a Super Bowl. Yeah, exactly. No way he's going to win a Super Bowl.

Hue Jackson will try to get everyone on the Bengals staff fired to take the head coach job

Hugh Jackson is brought in with a very suspect and vague title, which basically means he's going to ingratiate himself with first Marvin Lewis, then the owner, Mike Brown? Yeah, Mike Brown, and then get everyone fired so he can take the job.

The writer of the 'I Miss Northwestern Losing' article is dangerous to society

Pat Fitzgerald actually is an awesome coach. We have friends on that team... But their alumni, when they're writing shit like this, you're dangerous to society. If you are struggling this much with watching sports, they're not for you.

Sean Payton signed Dez Bryant to pick his brain for the Cowboys job next year

My other thing about this is I think Sean Payton signed [Dez Bryant] so that he could pick his brains about the Dallas offense and all the players on that team so that Sean, when he takes the Dallas job next year...

Roger Goodell stays in power by ensuring there are no strong successors

Part of the savviness of Roger Goodell is that if you want to stay in power a long time, don't hire strong number twos and threes that can replace you. And he has never hired or groomed, let alone even identified a successor.

Soap can't get dirty because it cleans itself

My friend uses a bar of soap to clean his ass crack and uses it the next day on his whole body... He says soap can't get dirty, so it's fine. [Hank says] He's right. You're wrong. It's like soap cleans itself all the time because it's layers.

The Cowboys stink and Jerry Jones has no idea what is going on anymore

The Cowboys stink. And Jerry Jones is either dead or has no idea what's going on anymore. He actually has changed the narrative on everyone because he's so scared of firing Jason Garrett and not having full control of his team.

Duke is guaranteed to win the national title this year

Duke is going to win the national title. Mark this down. Write this down. Post it. We'll replay this in the spring. Duke is going to win the national title. Guaranteed. Big Cat guarantee. There's nothing that will stop him.

Literally anyone could play quarterback better than Nathan Peterman

I am starting to feel like this is actually cruel that they keep putting [Peterman] out there. Like, Sean McDermott, what are you doing? You can find anyone, basically anyone, and I mean anyone, that could play quarterback better than Nathan Peterman.

Subconcussion is not a scientific term and its use is misleading

You just used it as if it's common knowledge... You used the word subconcussion. They haven't even gone through the proper science steps to qualify that as science. ... It's not scientific and so the point is when you don't do the steps of science... there's so many science papers that talk about the abuse of that word, how it's misleading.

The Houston Texans are a legitimate Super Bowl contender

I've talked myself into the Texans are a legitimate Super Bowl contender.

Bryson DeChambeau is an asshole for deciding to leave the flag pin in while putting

He has decided that this year he will be leaving the pin in when he putts... depending on the coefficient of the restitution of the pin. What an asshole.

Jason Witten is clearly over his head and won't have a job at ESPN by the end of the year

I officially, officially feel bad for Jason Witten. He is so clearly over his head... And now I just feel bad because it feels like he's not going to have a job at the end of the year. And this is painful.

Bill Belichick leaked the Josh Gordon suspension news to find a rat in the organization

Somebody was saying that Bill Belichick smells a rat inside his own nest. And he leaked that information to one person. And he was like, if this makes its way to Ian Rapoport's Twitter account, then I know that it's you, and it breaks my heart, but I know it was you.

Nebraska will upset Ohio State

Nebraska's been really bad this week. They're fixing for a big upset. If they lost this game, Urban Meyer's out. I think they're going to lose. I think he's out.

Nathan Peterman will beat the Chicago Bears

Big Cat is on the hot seat... because your Chicago Bears have to play against Nathan Peterman on Sunday. Peterman's back... Nathan Peterman hasn't played his best game yet. And I know that because he wouldn't still be on the roster if he was that bad.

Clayton Kershaw is still kind of a bum in the playoffs

Clayton Kershaw still kind of a bum. Whew. That was tough. If [David] Price had done what Kershaw did, you'd be killing him. Bum is hard. But today was a moment... when you give up a two-run homer in the first inning, that's tough.

Winning big college football games requires changing up jerseys to get everyone excited

That's how you win football games. That's how you win big football games. You change up the jerseys, get everyone excited, don't pay the players, put all that money into doing different jerseys every week. New helmets.

I would come out of retirement to fight Steven Seagal

If I was going to come out of retirement, if Steven Seagal would sign a contract, I'd come out... I've already thrown that gauntlet down years ago.

Chris Paul is the worst teammate in the NBA

Chris Paul, worst teammate in the league... It says all of his former teammates. Ryan Hollins and Glen Davis [say it].

Archie Manning is the Kris Jenner of football

I think Archie Manning is the Kris Jenner of football... He really is. I agree with that. He has made it so that Peyton Manning... when he put his balls on someone's face? That one got erased. The Eli Manning fraud... when he was selling fake jewelry, that one got erased... Archie Manning, he is basically controlling the narrative of the Manning family and getting it to a point where I actually think the Giants ownership is afraid to bench Eli.