Takes

Kevin Durant will leave the OKC Thunder

I'm finished with him. I think that Durant's going to leave, and I hope that he does, and he's going to go to the Wizards or the Celtics or the Clippers or the Lakers or the Spurs or the Rockets.

Draymond Green is now a dirty player on the same level as Dwyane Wade

Draymond Green, he is very, very hateable now. He's now like a Dwyane Wade dirty guy where he just has all these accidents and the accidents always end up hurting someone else.

If you are 46 years old, you shouldn't have a Twitter account

If you're 46, you shouldn't even have a Twitter account. That's number one. Number two is now you're saying that a 27-year-old [Steph Curry] is your hero.

The city of Cincinnati is collectively trying to prank the world with Skyline Chili

I'm convinced, absolutely convinced that everyone in the city of Cincinnati just said, we're going to fuck with the world. So anytime they come to Cincinnati, we're going to make them eat this disgusting chili and tell them that it's all we eat.

Lacrosse will be more popular than baseball in 50 years

Lacrosse is going to be more popular than baseball in 50 years.

Have we ever thought about making a gorilla a fullback?

I was looking at the picture of that gorilla — I don't want to get too sidetracked here, but have we ever thought about making a gorilla as a fullback?

Skyline Chili is a running joke used by Cincinnati residents to prank tourists

Skyline Chili, I'm convinced all of Cincinnati has Stockholm Syndrome. I don't know what is going on there. They have convinced themselves that's real food that people should eat. I think it's a running joke. Everyone in Cincinnati was like, hey, let's try to convince the rest of the world that every time they come visit us, they have to eat this diarrhea.

Sidney Crosby is a less classy player than Alex Ovechkin because he touched the Prince of Wales Trophy

What I care about is that Sidney Crosby touched the trophy. He touched the trophy. Big no-no. You know who's never touched that trophy? Alexander Ovechkin. That's why he is a classier player than Sidney Crosby. That's why he doesn't have bad luck. That's right.

If Roger Goodell isn't 'motherfucking' me behind my back, I'm not doing my job as NFLPA President

I feel like in a weird way, if [Roger Goodell] hasn't [motherfucked me behind my back], I'm probably not doing my job... You have to stump for the players.

The St. Louis Cardinals 'statement loss' is a ridiculous spin by a losing team

My favorite team in Major League Baseball, St. Louis Cardinals, they had a statement loss against my actual favorite team, the Cubs, on Wednesday. They showed determination and grit, that's a quote, when they lost to the Cubs. Colton Wong said, 'I think we still made a statement in the loss.' In the loss? Don't let the Cardinals get too hot with all these statement losses they're throwing out there.

The Raptors are the Russian Army of the NBA; they defend their home well but get smoked once they travel abroad

The Raptors, they're only good in Canada. They're like the Russian army. They can defend their homeland really well. But the second you send them over like the Kush mountains into Afghanistan, they're getting smoked.

Fullback dives are not gritty; they are essentially a pillow fight

No [fullback dives are not gritty]. Fullback dive is kind of like a pillow fight. You just run up in there. I mean, it's either you get a lot or you get nothing because you don't get any movement. You don't even have enough running start to have a collision in a fullback dive.

The punt is the most important play in football

I've said it's the most important play... the impact that the punt play makes in the game is incredible. If you get one blocked, it's devastating. If you block one, it's exhilarating. It's kind of like a relationship.

The 2003 Fiesta Bowl was won by a bad call in regulation, not the controversial pass interference in overtime

Go back to the film and look at the end of regulation when they said Chris Gamble didn't stay in bounds or whatever. The game should have ended in regulation. So the real bad call was that one... I think if you look at it [the PI call], the guy was mugged.

The Warriors are done and will not win the Western Conference Finals

I have the Warriors as done. They are done this season. The Thunder are going to win this series. They are not finished, and the window is half closed.

The Warriors' season is over

The Warriors are dead. They're in the grave, man. It's done. It's done. Three to one. They're going back to Oakland. They're not looking like the same team.

Russell Westbrook is currently the best player in the world

[Russell Westbrook] had 33, 36, 11, and 11. Unreal. He basically said, I'm the best player in the world and I'm going to take over this game. I'm going to take over the series.

Steph Curry's poor performance is caused by a teammate sleeping with his mother

That guy [old college teammate] is probably sleeping with Steph [Curry]'s mom, and it's keeping him up. That's it... Everyone knows that if your NBA team loses, someone's having sex with someone's wife or mom.

Buffalo is a top-tier vacation destination

I really feel like Buffalo is right up there with any of your great vacation places like Key West, your Acapulcos... Rio, all of the above. The 24 hours we spent there seems like it was the best time of my life.

There is not a better human being in the world than Brett Favre

Let me tell you, there's not a better human being [than Brett Favre]. I don't know if you guys have ever spent time with Brett.

J.J. Watt's new logo looks like a cheap energy drink and a bad tattoo

J.J. Watt. Come on, man. He basically made a logo that looks like a cheap, crappy energy drink slash awful tattoo... symbolizing buildings getting taller because his work ethic... literally no one forgets [he was a walk-on] because JJ tells us every single fucking day.

LeBron James will eventually injure himself while flopping

He's going to flop at some point and do that extra thing that he does and, like, turn his ankle during the flop. And at that point, is it a flop anymore? It's going to be amazing.

Dying as a champion racehorse is better than living as an old-timer in a pasture

I would say that that's more of a hurt [than an injury] because if you die a legend like that after winning a race, your legacy lives on longer than anybody else... You don't remember him as some old-timer getting jerked off in a pasture somewhere.

Anyone who supports robot umpires in baseball can go fuck themselves

Anyone who is like pro robots can go fuck themselves... The minute you start letting robots do these kind of tasks is what they're going to take over our lives... I don't need fucking umps telling me balls and strikes. There's some things you need to leave to humans.

Drake is a bad musician and generally sucks

Here's a hot take about Drake, but I truly believe this. Drake sucks. Drake is not good... There's nothing good about Drake... Old Drake, before he became a musician, was good [on Degrassi].

Johnny Manziel should get fat to regain public sympathy

Fat Johnny Manziel is actually a good way to get some sympathy back... You can't... It's just different when you're fat. People won't call him a scumbag as much... You're lovable when you're fat.

Viagra creates 'robotic' boners that feel like a lead pipe in your pants

I've heard they're robotic boners. I hear you have a lead pipe in your pants. I'm curious to see if it's something that happens.

Taking Viagra and going to Niagara Falls ('Viagra Falls') is a classic comedy gag

It seems like the perfect classic joke. You know, Niagara rhymes with Viagra... So we all take Viagra, we get on the boat, and then we see who the first person is to get rid of their boner without touching it, just like through the power of mental concentration and meditation... That is like a classic comedy gag right there.

We should buy a shotgun for the van to survive the Indy 500 Coca-Cola lot

We need to figure that out because it might be worthwhile buying a shotgun for the van... [to deal with] bands of marauders going through there? Like Vikings?

There is no industry in Indiana important enough to keep people at work on the Friday before the Indy 500

That's like a normal Friday in Indiana, isn't it? Like what industry in Indiana that makes you come to work on Friday [of Carb Day]?

The Cavaliers are Kyrie Irving's team now

I'm going to go out on a limb and say the Cavaliers are Kyrie Irving's team now... Kyrie's awesome. He put up more shots, had more points. I think it's safe to say this is Kyrie Irving's team. And he is the missing ingredient that was not there last year in the finals.

Canadians actually hate Sidney Crosby

Canadians hate Sidney Crosby. That's actually a fact... Everyone hates Sidney Crosby. It was just decided upon, and that's how it is. He doesn't have a man card.

Regular assault and battery laws could and should apply to baseball fights

Being on the field like that in a baseball game especially, I don't think in my mind that in a baseball game that this is something that you could say, well, they assume the risk. I think the regular rules of assaults and battery could and should apply in this situation.

The NBA Draft Lottery was rigged for Philadelphia

I actually am going to side with Philly on this one and say that it was rigged for Philly.

I am hashtag done with the Cavs vs. Raptors series after Game 1

This series, I'm done with... I'm hashtag done with this series. I don't think I'm going to watch any more of this series. Fuck this series.

Steven Adams should use an interpreter to avoid future controversial comments

If I'm Steven Adams, I'm bringing out an interpreter with me for the next interview that I have. Like, I know you speak English in New Zealand. But most people in America don't know that... having that interpreter that you speak through, that explains away a lot of the bad stuff that you're getting caught up in right now.

The Undefeated website is racist against white people

I kind of see what they're saying that the Undefeated is racist... Listen, we've sat here long enough as white males being persecuted. When are we going to get our say in sports media?

Cleveland fans shouldn't complain about losing because they are all Ohio State fans who win every year

Everyone in Cleveland crying in their soup about all their losses. They're all Ohio State fans. And they win every fucking year. Shut up.

Kids do not belong in a Major League clubhouse because it is a professional environment for grown men

Kids are not meant to be in a grown man environment. It's baseball. This is a job. There's things said day in and day out that kids should not hear... there are explosions in the clubhouse. Kids do not need to see that.

I would trade four months of being sick with Zika to win a gold medal for my country

Why is it that big of a deal to get the Zika virus if you're going to get a gold medal? I would trade four months of being sick as a dog to win, not win it for myself, but win it for my country. I would shit through a screen door for four months if it meant that my country got a gold medal.

The 2017 NBA Finals will be the Wizards vs. the Warriors, with the Wizards winning in six games

I got the Wizards because John Wall and Kevin Durant are going to be tough to defend. So I got the Wizards going up again. I'm going to say the Warriors make it back again. Wizards, Warriors, Wizards in six.

Monogamy is overrated and unrealistic

I happen to think that monogamy is way overrated and unrealistic. And that is a philosophy that I do try to bring into my personal life. And, um, you know, I, I like to keep my options open in general.

Check yourself into the hospital to avoid being in trouble with your mom for missing an event

Check yourself into the hospital. Say you got some kind of injury or something. Cause your mom instantly goes from being furious at you for missing her birthday to so worried about you.

Alexander Ovechkin deserves the heat for the Capitals failing in the playoffs

I'm going to blame Ovi... Call me a dumb fan. That's fine. Call me a dumb fan... But if you want to be a top player in any league, you're going to get this heat. It just happens. It happens to every guy. It happened to Peyton Manning. It's happened to A-Rod.

I'm officially done with Riley Curry

I'm hashtag done with Riley Curry. i've i've had it that's riley time riley curry okay yeah it was it was cool last year um it was a nice little like diversion from the normal post game press conference now i feel like i feel like she's reading her press clippings a little bit too much and she thinks that she's really cute and she might be really cute but she she knows that she's really cute now and last year she didn't know it she was just being cute so um i'm done with riley curry don't want to see her again

The Cavaliers could beat the Warriors in the Finals

The entire season has been about the Warriors and then a little bit about the Spurs. The Cavs, they can do like the whole nobody believes in us shit, which is unreal with a guy like LeBron on your team. And I don't know, man. I wouldn't be shocked if they beat the Warriors. I really wouldn't.

The NHL should ban players from diving to block shots

He [my dad] doesn't think that they should allow players to dive to block shots in the NHL anymore because he likes more goals... a lot of hockey lifers are going to disagree with me because it's like you get the bruises on your body. That's how you know you're a hockey player.

I'm sick of eSports being pushed on regular people

i'm not into esports but i am into drone racing... Esports are for all the people who think the NFL is going away... Let's have a bunch of nerds play video games and we'll watch and we'll take over for all of our, you know, sports that we've loved for 100 years. Get the fuck out of here, man. I'm sick of the esports thing. I really am.

The 2016 Cubs are the best team in MLB history and will sweep the World Series

I think this might be the best baseball team in the history of Major League Baseball, and I think that there's no chance that anything bad could happen to them this year. Like, they're going to cruise. I think it's going to be four-game sweep in the World Series.

Bartolo Colon is allowed to do steroids because he never goes to the gym

Bartolo Colon, though, he absolutely falls under our pardon my take, use it, don't abuse it steroid law because there's no way he goes to a gym. So if he wants to do steroids, he can do steroids as far as I'm concerned.