Takes

Gundren Rockseeker and Sildar are likely drug mules

We should check on the supplies. Should we look at them? Like we might be drug mules in this situation. You know how they say, like in an airport, don't take anybody else's bag for them. Right.

Tupac Shakur is definitely alive

[Jake Marsh] has failed to save and believes it's the real Tupac. And if he's just playing the best beats... I know [Tupac] was alive.

Jake Marsh's character, Cake, is definitely a narc or a member of the city watch

[Cake] is a cop like you on the basketball court, check to see if he's a cop... he feels like a cop.

Everyone craps themselves right before they die

[PFT Commenter]: Then he craps himself before he died. [Big Cat]: As everyone does before they died. Jake tried to eat his, but—

An evil God is completely satisfied with the party's horrific actions

[Big Cat]: Greg, I'm not the one to tell you that your God is angry with you... what are the thoughts going through Greg's head? [Nick Turani]: My God has never been more proud of me.

PFT is the ultimate winner of the campaign after outlasting everyone

I'd like to just, I'd like to piss all over everybody... Everyone and there are some people making, saving, throws. They may live or die... but they're getting pissed on no matter what. And that is where we would finish up our game for today then.

Joey Chestnut is the greatest athlete of all time

Joey Chestnut is the greatest American that has ever lived. One of the greatest athletes of all time. And I think we can confidently say that he is the greatest eater, the greatest human eater of all time... He is the greatest athlete of all time, in my opinion.

The Nets should refuse to trade Kevin Durant and force him to stay

I actually am of the belief that the Nets should just be like, fuck it. You're staying on the team. You signed a four year deal. Like they used to mean something kind of pushed back player empowerment. Like, Hey, no, you can't be traded. We're going to keep you.

The Utah Jazz will be a major problem in 8 to 10 years because of Danny Ainge's draft pick haul

He's [Danny Ainge] just going to get the max amount of pics in the future. And he's just going to do this all again, which he did. I think the Wolves... gave up like six or seven first round picks. So it's essentially like the Jazz are just... going to probably do the same thing with Donovan Mitchell. And it's just going to be the Jazz in like eight to 10 years are going to be a problem. I'm calling it right now.

I want one NBA team to be a centralized location of nonstop drama and 'bad vibes'

I want one team to get all the bad vibes guys. I want the preferably the Lakers. I want them to be like, go on. I want them to keep Russell [Westbrook]... I want like Kyrie [Irving], I want Russell Westbrook on the same team... I want like the biggest shit show of a franchise possible just for the takes.

The Big 10 should keep its name even if they grow to 30 teams because it is funny

I think the Big 10 should keep their name forever. And I hope it gets to like 30 teams. Cause that would be funny. And like, why would they change now? It's been 14 teams forever and they still have been the Big 10.

College football should adopt the NFL playoff format

Professional football has, in my opinion, the best post-season... Just do that format in college football, everybody, the whole hand ringing for the last 20 years, like, oh, I don't know if the fans are going to want to play off. Fuck you. Yes, we do want to play off. It would be incredible.

Notre Dame will join the Big 10 within the next five years

I just think that this is like, if I had to bet right now in the next five years, I think Notre Dame will be in the Big 10. If the conferences get into some sort of a playoff format that would make it like a necessity to be in the Big 10, then yes, they'll do it.

Always buy the extra bag of chips because the joy far outweighs the cost

Always buy the extra bag of chips. It's bag, not pack, nice job Wall Street Journal... The small pleasures in life, they actually, they far outweigh their value. The amount of joy that you get out of those like two to $5, it's worth hundreds. The small things in life are worth more than the big things sometimes.

The Derek Jeter documentary will be boring because athletes produce their own content

Documentaries that are made by the people just suck... When you have you need to have a neutral third party director for these documentaries or as they're all like the same... Derek Jeter's going to do that thing where he's like you guys, I was famously private... now I'm going to, and it's just not going to be anything.

I am the Neil Armstrong of Pac-Man

I was the first one to do a perfect score [in Pac-Man]. And what's absolutely gorgeous about that is other people can do it. Friends can play, we can learn. We can teach. We can have fun. They can do it. But they're simply repeating what I already did. So it's fun being Neil Armstrong.

I would be the best in the world at any profession I chose to obsess over

I believe whatever I did, I would be the best at, just because I only want to be the best... I wanted to be at one point in my life thinking I wanted to be, you know, I'm a Navy pilot. I mean, I would have been the best because I would have been so obsessed with it. I wanted to be, you know, a crime fighter. I mean, I put every bad guy in jail because I'd be the best.

Pac-Man is the greatest arcade game of all time

The game of the century announced on the Tokyo game show in 1999? And that would be the one that I would have to choose. Pac-Man. Pac-Man was also the first game inducted into the video game hall of fame.

Gamblers should bet Northwestern at home at 11:00 AM versus USC when they join the Big Ten

I got to imagine that this is going to provide a great opportunity to gamblers out there who get to finally like hammer Northwestern at home versus USC at 11:00 AM when there's like a tornado in Chicago. And the Trojans quarterback has like never seen a cloud before.

Adding USC and UCLA to the Big 10 is a more natural fit than Rutgers and Maryland

What made more sense? Like from a traditional standpoint, adding Rutgers and Maryland or USC and UCLA? Like this actually is more of a natural fit than Rutgers and Maryland were.

In 10 years, major college athletic programs will be separate entities from the schools

Probably like 10 years from now where schools are now, like the athletic programs, the big time college football and college basketball will just be separate from the school. They'll just have the name of that school... they won't have to follow fall under the jurisdiction of the NCAA and they'll just license the name out.

Oregon belongs in the SEC based on vibes alone

I honestly think that on vibes alone, Oregon should be in the sec. I feel like that's, that's where they belong as a, as a school. If I'm just like going strictly off five.

Kevin Durant requested a trade because he is sick of Kyrie Irving

Instant takes, turns out. He might not like Kyrie anymore. It turns out he might've thought, Hey, Kyrie, isn't that much fun to be around.

Tiger Woods needs a 10-part documentary series like The Last Dance

I feel like we need, you know, [Tiger Woods] is my, the MJ, my time, I'm obsessed with Tiger. So I feel like we need like a full, at least a documentary, like, like The Last Dance, like a 10-parter.

Tony Romo could potentially play on the PGA Tour if he committed to it

Tony [Romo] is also the guy that can not play for like six months and just pick up a club and still shoot even par. I think he's got a chance. I mean, Tony... he just has that motion, you know? I don't know how he does it.

The Cowboys might need a coaching change

It's been a love-hate relationship, but they've got all the talent in the world... I might need, might need a coaching change. I don't know. I mean, I don't know fully... but there might need to be a little bit of a switch up.

I am working as hard as possible to play Year 10 in the NFL

I'm always feeling it. I think right now it's work as hard as fucking possible... training every day, that's staying in shape, that's eating enough meat that vegans wouldn't want to go protest in DC right now. The boy's always going to be ready.

People who claim Rocky IV is their favorite are fake Rocky fans

People who claim that Rocky IV is their favorite, they're fake Rocky fans... I just think it's the easiest mainstream... Rocky I, II, III... Two is fucking great. Three, Apollo Creed and [Rocky] are kind of like Pardon My Take and Bussin' With The Boys.

Hook is a top 50 movie of all time

I seriously think that. I think that movie ['Hook'] is a top 50 movie all time. That movie fucking rocks... I did a list. I think it comes in around the forties, but it's a top 50 movie of all time.

Adam Sandler is one of the all-time boys because he just wants to hoop

Adam Sandler... he's always like he's got, I think a boy has to have a little that immaturity in them and he comes into any set... pulls up on dudes playing basketball on the street and just wants to hoop.

Wednesday is the worst night of the week for an adult to get drunk

I learned when I was like 34 years old to never, ever drink on a Wednesday. Wednesday is the worst night of the week to get drunk on by far... Thursday is a wash, Friday you're stricken with panic. You can't even enjoy your Friday cause you're trying to catch up on everything that you missed on Thursday.

Monday is the worst night of the week to drink

Doing anything bad to your body on a Monday is just like a killer way to start off a week. Like it will just completely bare... I still think Monday would be the worst. I think if you start, if you really drunk on Monday night, your whole week is fucked. You're just fucked.

Kyrie Irving's teammates probably don't enjoy the drama despite what they say publicly

I would guarantee his teammates don't love this. I don't know. But he gets so much... I feel like all of his teammates that have ever talked about him publicly have said how much they love him. They like go out of their way to come up them playing with him. Yeah. But he, the problem is he hasn't been playing that much.

The Clippers are going to be a problem in the NBA this season

John Wall moving to the Clippers. Club's going to be a problem. So Clippers are an issue right now. Playoff P is back this season... Kawhi is him. They have three hims. He plays every other year... he comes back and plays one insane year and they're like Kawhi, best player in the league.

Deshaun Watson will be suspended for at least a full year

We're first reporting on Pardon My Take that Deshaun Watson will be suspended for [at least a full] year. Yep. On Friday... my guess is it will be a suspension for a year, and then the appeal is going to come through... then Goodell is going to be like, okay, I'll like reduce it to 14 games or 12 games.

Wait until the last week of August to do your fantasy football drafts

Just a reminder. Don't do your fantasy drafts until the last week of August. Yeah. Even maybe the Tuesday before the Thursday kickoff. That's usually what I do that Monday or that Tuesday. The freaks out there that draft their fantasy team in July and then they're shocked when half the roster is gone before the season starts stop doing that.

Nuclear-powered 'air cruises' are fake and would definitely crash

It's a plane cruise. Yeah. It's like a massive, massive, massive, bigger than whatever name like four aircraft carriers... 20 electric engines powered by nuclear fusion. I'm just going to say this. If this is real, I will absolutely laugh when it crashes and everyone dies. There's no way to test fly this until you actually make the real thing.

The NHL beat writer who celebrated with the Stanley Cup should be fired for a lack of integrity

There was a Colorado Avalanche beat writer that picked up the Stanley Cup and celebrated with the team and called it one of the best nights of his life. And frankly he should be executed. Yeah. Send him to the LIV tour. They should chop his head off. That's not what journalism is supposed to be in America. It's supposed to be fearless truth tellers, impartial scribes.

The 'Drive to Survive' series fakes rivalries and misrepresents F1 driver personalities

I think there were a few things yeah where I was not really happy with. And especially, you know, faking rivalries between drivers. That to me is a tough one because of course it did wonders in America. But also I think sometimes they portray a few drivers differently to how they actually are. And then of course the people who are new to F1 think, oh, this guy is a bit of a Dick or whatever. Which in real life is not.

Football is the quintessential American thing

Football. Football is the quintessential America. And it is an American, it's just wholly American sport... if you can think of like one, what's the most American thing out there, it's Sunday football.

Light beer is the only thing the United States specializes in making better than other countries

Light beer. America was like, you know what? Beer is good. I wish there was slightly less taste that you could drink 10 times as many them... Light beer is the only, like, I don't know any other country that specializes in making light beer. There's really none. Every, every other is like, we'd like more flavor us. We're like, no, we just want to get drunker.

Refusing to use the metric system is a top-tier American trait

For our final pick, we will go with refusing to use the metric system. Just the rest of the world uses it. It makes such perfect sense... and we're like, oh, we're doing 12 inches.

American arrogance is just a statement of fact because we are the best

Just arrogance is American. Well, we're the best. Is it arrogance? If you just know that you're the best or is it a statement of fact? Yeah. It's actually being humble because we don't say how good we are all the time when we could. Yeah. Winning. Winning is American.

The Stanley Cup lifting ceremony is a top-three sports tradition

When you see that, no matter who you root for, it's a great ceremony. Like you're seeing the person lift the cup for the first time, the team captain, or like a long time veteran on that team finally get their Stanley cup. It's awesome. That's like a top three sports [ceremony].

The Colorado Avalanche were one of the most dominant Cup winners in history

The avalanche incredible team, like an absolute wagon of a team... they went 16 and four in the playoffs. They had, they had a four game sweep [of the Predators]... the Oilers [sweep]... 4-2 against the lightning. They, if you combine it all and he'd take out overtime losses and the regular season, they had, they won a 78% clip, which is insane. It's pretty like dad is just, thrills are just awesome. Awesome hockey team that deserves to win the cup.

Cale Makar has a chance to be one of the greatest defensemen ever

Cale Makar... who we talked to Whitney about it, like one of the, he has a chance to be one of the greatest defenseman ever in terms of where he's at his career right now in the talent level.

A sports dynasty requires winning three championships in five years

What's it? Dynasty? Three, three and [five]. I agree. Seems right to me. Yeah.

The current Colorado Avalanche core will win exactly two Stanley Cups

I think they're getting exactly two Stanley cups.

A bitter rival winning a championship the year after you erases your own title

I think that if you're bitter rival wins a championship the year after you do it, almost erases your [shine]. Clearly because you don't get, you have zero time to gloat over it. None. No. It's like it's never happened.

Football is back because the Patriots announced their red throwback jerseys

I saw the Patriots put out that they're gonna come and wear their red throwback jerseys this year. And that was the first time I was like, I think football's back.