Takes

Analysis cannot ruin comedy

I am of the belief that you can't ruin it by analyzing it... W.C. Fields, he's the one that said, he goes, I can't tell you what's funny. I can't tell you why. And my thing is part of my fascination with comedy has always been trying to figure out the why.

Adult laughter is a release of social tension and uncomfortability

When we're babies, we don't laugh for that reason. When we're babies, we laugh out of joy. When we get older, we laugh out of uncomfortability. So you're diaphragm contracting... is a release of social tension and uncomfortability.

When comedy breaks a pattern, people are guaranteed to laugh

If they break that pattern, you're definitely going to laugh... The thing that gets you the most excited is when something's super clever and also breaks a pattern.

The first recorded joke in history was a fart joke

The first recorded joke... was from the 19th century BC, 1900 BC. And it's a Sumerian joke... about a young bride who farts as she sits on her husband's lap.

Jackass is the most universal and primal form of comedy

I honestly think that you could show Jackass to anybody that's ever lived in any society, in any civilization, and they would laugh at it... From the Sumerians to today... it's just primal.

Civil damages against Robinhood for breaking user agreements could be enormous

If Robinhood shut down and stopped you from being able to trade, in violation of the user agreement you signed, I think the damages against them in a civil case are fucking extraordinary, enormous damages.

A billionaire without a sports team is doing life wrong

I also think that it's a big red flag to me that if somebody's a billionaire and they don't own a sports team, it's like, what are you doing? What has all this been for? What's the point? If you're not going to spend money on something cool.

Dippin' Dots is a depreciating asset

I learned a lesson, which is Dippin' Dots is a depreciating asset. Yeah, absolutely. No regrets.

Six people can fit in a whale's vagina

Whales, you can fit six people in a whale's vagina. Sick.

Barry Bonds is the greatest baseball player of all time

Tom Verducci filling out a baseball Hall of Fame ballot and leaving the greatest baseball player of all time, Barry Bonds, off of it.

Baseball Hall of Fame voting should be left to the fans

Leave it up to the fans. Let the fans vote. You buried it. Maybe because you've convinced yourself over the years that you're so important that everybody should look up to you because you get to check a piece of paper.

Aaron Rodgers is staying with the Packers because it is his destiny to torture me for another decade

I knew deep down [Rodgers] wasn't going anywhere because I think it's destiny for Aaron Rodgers to torture my soul for another decade. I think he'll just be there forever.

I am considering making the biggest bet of my life on Tom Brady in the Super Bowl

I was thinking about making the biggest bet of my life on Tom Brady before we left Detroit. But I was like, I'm going to wait two weeks and think it out. But I think that's where I'm going to end up.

The big Wall Street guys will eventually win the GameStop war because they always win in the end

I'm cynical about all this, so I assume that eventually the hedge fund guys will have so much money that they can wait everyone out and fuck everyone over. I feel like they always win, no matter what. Even if it's a win-the-battle-lose-the-war type of situation... the little guy's winning right now, but the big guy always wins.

Wall Street will eventually make it illegal to talk about stocks online once they realize message boards are too powerful

What will probably happen is there's going to be one hedge fund that goes out of business like Bear Stearns or whatever and then they're going to come back, rewrite the laws so it's going to be illegal to talk about stocks online and then boom now they're fucking you again for the next hundred years.

Mufasa the Lion is the official replacement for Harambe

We've been waiting for somebody to fill the gorilla-sized hole where our hearts used to be ever since 2016 when Harambe was taken from us way too soon. And I think we have it, Hank. It's Mufasa the Lion.

I will out-muscle Jose Canseco in our boxing match

I knew I was going to out-muscle [Jose Canseco], if anything. So I've just been training speed, punch, output, that sort of stuff, footwork... I am going to kill this guy legitimately.

The only way I lose to Jose Canseco is in some messed up split decision

The only way I lose to Canseco is in some fucked up split decision. Even if I lose, I'm not going to get knocked out in the first 30 seconds. No, I'm not losing.

I would 100% beat the shit out of Jake Paul in a boxing match

By the way, I'd 100% beat the shit out of Jake Paul. He wouldn't touch me. They'll never fight me because I actually would beat them. They only choose guys they know they can strategically win with reach.

You can pull down all the statues you want, it won't change the facts of what happened in history

I'm also looking around and seeing people today convinced they can change our present by altering the past. You can pull down all the statues you want. It's not going to change the facts of what happened. We can't improve the future by shining up the past. It is what it is.

Professional opera singers smell as bad as professional athletes after a game

Opera singing is disgusting. The costumes you have to wear, they smell like a hockey outfit... I've never encountered a professional opera singer in the midst of a performance who smelled any better than an athlete at the end of the fourth quarter.

The handy gene and the athletic gene are often recessive

The truth is, just because you're passionate about something doesn't mean you can't suck at it. The handy gene, like the athletic gene in many cases, is recessive. I didn't get it. The things my grandfather could do with a construction mindset, I just didn't get it.

In-person interviews will likely return after the Fourth of July

Would you guys say over, under, Fourth of July? [for having people back in-person] Over, probably, if I'm being realistic, yeah. I really hope that it does [happen].

I would absolutely take Matthew Stafford to be the Bears' quarterback

What do you want for your birthday? Let's get you Matt Stafford. I would take that. Absolutely. We got the number one podcast. Let's get you Matt Stafford. We'll get Matt Stafford.

Matt LaFleur's decision to kick a field goal on 4th and goal was the most cowardly move ever

The most cowardice field goal of all time. Matt LaFleur, I do not understand what you're doing. The decision to kick a field goal with [2:10] left, three timeouts, down eight on the seven yard line, fourth and goal... so that you can seemingly go from needing a touchdown to needing a touchdown... was so beyond [stupid].

Kicking the field goal was the best path for the Packers to win the game

A touchdown on fourth down plus two-point conversion plus defensive stop for overtime was less likely to win than three points on fourth down and an onside kick or a defensive stop, two-minute warning, three timeouts, plus touchdown for a win. So kicking the field goal is the best path to win.

The torch for the worst fourth down field goal decision has passed from Dan Quinn to Matt LaFleur

The Packers are the first team to attempt a field goal when trailing by four to eight points in the final three minutes of a game since Dan Quinn did that on November 8th, 2015. So I think today is the day. It is officially the torch. The torch has been passed. It is now a Matt LaFleur.

The Packers lost the game at the end of the first half by giving up the Scotty Miller touchdown

I actually think that they lost the game before that. I think they lost the game at the end of the first half. When on that [play]... they did the Gregg Williams defense... It was a terrible defensive call. Awful defensive call. And at that point, it was 21-10. That's when the game was over.

Mike Pettine deserves a lot of blame for the Packers' defensive failures in back-to-back NFC Championship games

Mike Pettine definitely deserves a lot of blame. This is back-to-back NFC Championship games where they got exposed. And I still don't understand for the life of me [how] Jair Alexander... half the time, he wasn't guarding either Chris Godwin or Mike Evans.

Todd Bowles is a top 8 coach in the NFL

I'm taking out my take that I retired like three years ago. Todd Bowles, great coach. Todd Bowles, top eight coach in the NFL.

Aaron Rodgers clearly wants out of Green Bay

One last Packers note, Aaron Rodgers clearly wants out of Green Bay. I'm pretty sure Aaron Rodgers is going to be back on the Packers next year. I don't know.

Tom Brady has lost a step of quickness in the pocket

I don't know if it's the arm strength, by the way. I think his arm strength is almost still there. It's weirdly like his quickness in the pocket. I think that has lost a tiny little step that makes it a little harder for the throws.

Tom Brady created the TB12 Method as a cover for the fact that he just plays Madden constantly to master situational football

I think that the TB12 thing might be completely bogus in that I don't know how much of the actual exercises he does, how much of the diet he does... I think Tom Brady just spends all his time playing Madden. And he created TB12 to be like, 'this is the reason that I'm so good.' And he just plays Madden constantly to figure out these end-of-game situations. Because he's perfect in them.

The Chiefs can flip the switch whenever they want

Whoops I fucked up like the Chiefs are so fucking good and yes guess what turns out they can flip the switch they can flip it whenever they want it doesn't really matter... they broke the Switch tonight.

The only way to beat the Chiefs is to assault them with deadly weapons

The only way to beat the Chiefs is to actually assault them all with deadly weapons. Someone needs to die. And until that happens, I don't see how the Bucs beat them.

I am betting on the Chiefs to win the Super Bowl

I'm not going to make the same mistake. I'm going to bet on the Chiefs. My bet is the Chiefs.

If Tom Brady beats Patrick Mahomes in the Super Bowl, Mahomes will need two more rings than Brady to be considered his equal

If Brady beats Mahomes, I feel like Mahomes has to win two more Super Bowls than Tom Brady to be considered as good as he was. Because the head-to-head tiebreaker has to go to Brady.

Three Super Bowl titles is the threshold for a dynasty

I think dynasty is always three of four or three in a row. You need to win three titles to have official claim of a dynasty or decade. I think that's fair.

Eric Bieniemy might be waiting for Andy Reid to retire to take the Chiefs job

Why isn't anyone thrown out there that maybe he's just waiting for Andy Reid to retire? Because if Andy Reid – and just hear me out... if you're Eric Bieniemy and Andy Reid says to you, I'm going three more years, four more years, you still get like 15 years of Patrick Mahomes.

The Chiefs would still win 13 games a year even if they were only allowed to run the ball five times a game

Do you think that the Chiefs would still win 13 games a year if they were not allowed to run the ball? Because I do... You're allowed to run the ball five times a game. [Then] they could win 13 games.

Conor McGregor is done being a consistent threat for the UFC belt

I asked the question, is he done in terms of like – is he done being a threat for the belt consistently? It feels like that. I don't know it well enough, but it feels like that just by the fact that he's fought like three times in the last four years and one of them was an old dude who he beat and he's lost twice.

ESPN Plus is a failing platform for major UFC events because it breaks every time

ESPN Plus ain't it, Dana. It's broken every fucking time I try to watch it. You guys laughed at me when I said that it didn't work on an LG TV. Guess what? It doesn't work on any TV now... I don't know what Dana White's going to do, but I'll put it this way: ESPN Plus ain't it.

The Lions are making the right move by starting over and trading Matthew Stafford

They're rebuilding. They're starting over. I think this is the right move. I actually think it's like people who are Detroit Lions fans are very pumped to see Matt Stafford maybe go somewhere good.

Coach K is a quintessential jerk for belittling a student reporter

Coach K was asked the question... by a student reporter from the Duke Chronicle... asking Coach K where do you guys go from here which is a very routine question... and Coach K essentially embarrassed and belittled this kid... How can you defend this, Hank? He's such a jerk. He's a quintessential jerk.

It is time for Coach K to think about stepping down

Listen, maybe it's time for Coach K to think about stepping down.

Coach K is in his 'snappy' territory and it will only get worse from here

Coach K is definitely in his snappy territory where it's going to get worse. This isn't the last time he snaps on someone.

Philip Rivers will eventually get into the Hall of Fame

I think [Philip Rivers] will eventually get in the Hall of Fame. He's not a first-ballot Hall of Famer. I think he will eventually get in. But he obviously will get dinged for the lack of playoff wins and the lack of a signature win and the lack of a Super Bowl. But when you actually look at it... Phillip Rivers was the better quarterback in terms of numbers throughout his career [compared to Eli Manning and Ben Roethlisberger].

Philip Rivers would have won more Super Bowls than Eli Manning if their roles were reversed

If the Chargers had drafted Eli Manning and he didn't hold out and demand a trade to the Giants? I think that Phillip Rivers would have won more Super Bowls than Eli Manning did.

I would put Dan Campbell above Jim Tomsula as my favorite interim coach ever

He is my favorite interim coach of all time. I'd even put him above Jim Tomsula in terms of Coach O. Coach O has kind of risen above that... But Dan Campbell, I think, is the ultimate essence of an interim head coach.

Most NFL players would love to play for Dan Campbell

Dan Campbell's just a dude... He is a guy, and I don't know if it will last forever, and he has to clearly hire some smart people around him, but he's a guy, if you polled the NFL, I guarantee you there would be a majority of NFL players being like, I'd love to play for a guy like that.