Takes

I know more about steroids than most doctors and endocrinologists

I know more about steroids than most doctors, most endocrinologists. Believe me when I tell you that.

I am going to 'skull fuck' Jose Canseco in our fight

I'm going to skull fuck him. ... I'm absolutely going to skull fuck him. No doubt. He's tiny. I mean, yeah, he looks big. He's 270 pounds. But I just care about the frame. He has a smaller frame than I thought.

OJ Simpson's son committed the murders, not OJ

I don't think OJ did it. ... I think it was his son. ... I saw a TikTok.

I am guaranteeing that I will enter 'Berserker Mode' during my fight with Jose Canseco

I'm guaranteeing berserker mode... It's this sort of being where you use your mind to get your body into a total higher element of operation... I've been really studying this whole training camp, how to get myself in the zone and get in berserker mode. And you're going to see it tonight.

I am starting to lean toward betting on the Bucs in Super Bowl LV because Tom Brady is alone and focused

The tweet that I saw, Tom Brady has had the house to himself with his family out of town. It'll be 12 days of preparation alone. He said he's never had that much time to prepare his mind and body before... That got in my head, and I was like, wait, what? He has how much time? He's never had this much time? Uh-oh. I'm starting to like the Bucs.

Tom Brady's family being out of the house is actually bad because it takes him out of his rhythm

I don't like that. It takes him out of his rhythm. Aaron Rodgers hasn't had his family in his house for years, and look where that got him last week.

I am 100% betting on the Chiefs in the Super Bowl and might put a 'nuclear missile' on it

I'm 100% betting the Chiefs. I'm probably going to put a nuclear missile on it. [Correction] I mean, Bucs, Bucs, Bucs, Bucs... [Later] I'm 100% betting the Chiefs.

Tom Brady will uncover a game-winning play in the fourth quarter because of his extra film study

That means that he's going to uncover something that he never saw and it's going to come out in like the fourth quarter and then Peter King's going to fucking masturbate onto a piece of paper being like Tom Brady found this in our, you know, 746 of sitting in his Tampa Derek Jeter's house by himself.

I am officially staying with the Chiefs to win the Super Bowl despite my 'Bucs mood'

I'm staying with the Chiefs. I am, too. I'm being honest with everyone. I even said this last week when I said I'm going to bet the Chiefs. And I was like, listen, I'm going to go back and forth.

The Tyrann Mathieu/Bruce Arians connection is an overlooked storyline of the Super Bowl

I'm surprised nobody's talked about this yet. The Tyrann Mathieu Bruce Arians connection about how Bruce took the chance to draft Tyrann because back when Bruce was in school, he got kicked out... this honey badger reminds me a lot of me back in the day... Honey Badger's been a little bit overlooked this season.

The 'Courtside Karen' who heckled LeBron James is actually a textbook 'Becky'

I'd also like to throw a flag on Courtside Karen. I think she's more of a Becky than a Karen... If you tack an extra 20 years on her and give her bangs, then she's a Karen. Right now, this is textbook Becky.

The return of the EA Sports College Football game is a monumental and universally loved day

The best day I haven't seen the Internet universally love something more than this game returning. It is so fucking great. It is going to take like two or three years, which who cares? ... This was a monumental day. This is a great day.

I am going to 'skull fuck' Jose Canseco with my fists

My hot seat is Jose Canseco. I'm going to skull fuck him with my fists.

Kelsey first touchdown in the Super Bowl is a great bet at 7-1 odds

Super Bowl prop, Kelce, first touchdown. That guy's ridiculous. I mean, you go over seven and a half receptions. He has eight with six minutes left in the second quarter. So he's getting shovel passes, bowling ball passes from the two-yard line. I like that at 7-1 or 7-5.

Bet on clear Gatorade for the Super Bowl shower

I go clear. People are showing mercy on their coaches lately, and they're pouring water instead of the sticky stuff. If you can find clear, go for it.

Billy Football can beat Jose Canseco by moving around and avoiding toe-to-toe fighting

I know how you can beat them. You have to move around. You cannot fight with him. Toe to toes because you might get killed. But you move around, you're going to have a better chance... He's just a handmaker, you know. I don't think he knows how to fight, but he don't know how to survive.

Jose Canseco is not a real fighter; I have seen him hide in the dugout during brawls

Jose is not a fighter. I see personally drill him. Drill him. And half of the team was in the middle of the field when we turned around. Jose is still in the dugout. Jose is not a fighter. Jose just wanted you to show him respect and love when he was playing.

I would fight Jay Mariotti for charity at the United Center

Jay Mariotti. He went after me so bad... I told him, I said, let's go to United Center for three rounds. You pick to put the money in, whoever wins. You give the money to charity. It's still on. If I want to do that, if I want to do charity in Chicago, I don't mind.

Modern MLB is missing real leadership because players are too worried about social media and their wives

Nowadays, I look at it, do not see leaders... My leader, they will kick your fucking ass... nowadays, wife waiting for the husband, now the kids got to go to school we got to hurry up and they don't have a chance opportunity to talk about the game... they don't watch a game on TV... They're just like, okay, how did that guy get you out? Then nobody talk about it like they were used to.

Tony La Russa will bring necessary clubhouse leadership to the White Sox

I think Tony is a guy, if those guys listen to Tony La Russa and go after the way Tony go or prepare you to win, I think this ball club is going to have a lot of success.

Passively watching the Pro Bowl is the football equivalent of the Masters for napping

The Pro Bowl really was like... The football equivalent of the Masters in terms of a great nap day, like a wonderful nap Sunday was watching neither offense or defensive line really get out of the three-point stances at all.

The Rams must win a Super Bowl in the next two years before their seven-year lack of first-round picks catches up to them

The Rams' window feels like it's pretty small here, and they have to kind of win a Super Bowl in the next two years before the fact that they haven't had a first-round draft pick in seven years is going to catch up.

The Matthew Stafford trade lowered the market price for Deshaun Watson

Judging off my newfound expertise in the stock market, they'll look at this as being like, wow, that's one less buyer that we could have. So I guess the price is going down on Deshaun.

It is better for a team to let another team develop a player and then trade for them once you know they are good

As a lazy person i kind of respect it because it's like let somebody else develop the guy and then once you know if they're good or not then yeah that's actually probably worth more like giving up a higher pick in the future for someone that you know for a fact is already good.

The Matthew Stafford trade is a home run for the Detroit Lions

The Lions' perspective from this, it was a home run for them in the fact that they are trying to fully rebuild now instead of half rebuild... I think it's a home run for the Lions. I think they did the right thing.

The Saints will likely start Jameis Winston at quarterback following the Stafford trade

I do think that the Saints maybe now will go with Jameis, which will be great.

Mitchell Trubisky will be very good as soon as he leaves the Bears

He is going to get really good wherever he goes [next].

Patrick Reed is objectively good for the sport of golf because he's a villain

If you're a golf fan and you're so angry at Patrick Reed that you want him out of golf, you have to question whether you're a golf fan. Because guys who get this type of reaction on a Saturday afternoon in January on a tournament... That's good for golf.

I blame the other PGA Tour players for not physically assaulting Patrick Reed to stop him from cheating

I don't blame Patrick Reed anymore for cheating and getting away with it. I blame everybody else on the tour for not doing anything to make him stop, like physically assaulting him.

Passively taking five Airborne tablets a day is likely what caused my kidney stone

So I overdosed on vitamin C, apparently taking like four to five tablets of Airborne every single day for a week because we were traveling last week... and Saturday morning, just pissed out a little pebble.

Playoffs are where sports legends are made

In the beginning of the playoffs, I say playoffs where ledgers [legends] are made. You know what I mean? So I've been in a situation before in Jacksonville where you can earn a great reputation in the playoffs.

The Patriots cheated the Jaguars in the 2017 AFC Championship game

I'm like, Tom, you a fucking cheater. You a cheater... I said, I know what happened. Y'all cheated us.

Solomon Thomas is the real biggest bust of the 2017 NFL Draft, not Mitch Trubisky

I'm a Bears fan where I wanted people to start talking about Leonard Fournette as the biggest bust from that draft, not Mitch Trubisky... [but] Solomon Thomas is the bust of that track [draft].

Christian McCaffrey is as good as the hype suggested in college

I never seen Christian play a day in my life, right? So I seen him play in the Rose Bowl. I said, you know what? He's nice. He's nice, nice. I thought it was hyping him up, but he has catch, he's fast, he can block. He does it all.

Driving a car in full pads is a total football guy move

You're in full pads driving a car. Full pads driving a car. Wearing your helmet while driving your truck. Total football move.

I am an absolute weapon and I'm going to give 180 seconds of hell to Jose Canseco

I'm fucking gonna go balls to the wall... I'm an absolute weapon... I can get hit. I can look like I'm about to die when I'm a zombie. Keep coming.

Viruses do not have nuclei

Viruses don't have nuclei.

I'm shorting Robinhood as soon as they go live

I'm shorting Robinhood, though, when they eventually go live.

Blockbuster stock is going to make me a millionaire

Blockbuster, bro. It was one cent when I talked about it last time. It is now seven cents. What? Let's go. I called it. Billy is a Blockbuster millionaire.

The 'Reddit millionaires' will be the funniest class of millionaires ever

I need the quote-unquote trolls of the internet... to be the power players and shift the entire dynamic... the Reddit millionaires are going to be fucking hilarious.

The United States only unites if aliens start a war with us

The only way that the USA could come back together and all pull on the same side is if aliens came down to earth and start a war with us, then we'd all be like, yeah, fuck you. We'll fight against it.

A middle-class version of Occupy Wall Street would be amazing

It'd be sick if we just all had, like, a middle-class Occupy session down there [Wall Street].

David Culley is just a stopgap hire to get to Josh McCown

My favorite conspiracy is that I'm seeing this report as being a stopgap to get them to Josh McCown as their head coach... They're saying that David [Culley] is going to be the interim head coach.

David Culley's coaching history is a major red flag

He was a wide receivers coach in the NFL from 1994 to 2010. That feels like a long time to be a wide receivers coach and not get a promotion. So he's [not an expert].

The Texans might trade Matthew Stafford for Deshaun Watson and two first-round picks

What about Matt Stafford for Deshaun Watson and, like, two first-round picks?

Deshaun Watson is ruining the team he wants to be traded to

You're essentially saying, I want to be traded to a team that then will give up a bunch of draft capital and then hurt my ability to play for a winning team. In a way, yeah. He's almost kind of shitting in his own house and then buying the house.

No team should trade four first-round picks for Deshaun Watson

I think that you would be screwing yourself so royally over for the future if you give up four first-round picks... I wouldn't do it for four.

I would give up unlimited first-round picks to trade for Deshaun Watson

I would do it for unlimited [first round picks]. Name your price is what I would do. Seven, sure. I'll give you my next seven.

I would never trade Patrick Mahomes for anything

I wouldn't trade Patrick Mahomes for anything. I mean, you're pretty much guaranteeing that you're going to the AFC Championship game for the next, like, 15 years.

Todd Haley should be back in the NFL head coaching circuit

How come no one's talked about Todd Haley this offseason? We should get him back in the circuit. Todd Haley has a proven track record of success everywhere he goes.