Takes

Tony Romo faked having COVID-19 just to avoid traveling to Ohio.

Tony Romo conveniently came down with the coronavirus to avoid traveling to Ohio, which he hates to do.

The targeting rule should be changed so the opposing coach chooses between 3 points or an ejection

I actually threw out Mike Greenberg's dumb rules. It should be. If you, if a guy gets called for targeting, the coach gets to decide either give the other team three points or you get to give the other team three points and he can stay in or he's objected. I like that.

Cam Newton has to retire after his performance against the Bills

The Buffalo bills, our fucking weapon, Josh Allen, when in Foxborough beat what was left with the Patriots Cam Newton I mean, I think he has to retire. I don't really know what at this point, it, it, it was sad.

The Buffalo Bills will beat the Chiefs in the playoffs and go to the Super Bowl

I think that the Buffalo bills could very well beat the Chiefs. In fact, it definitely can. I think that the Buffalo bills will beat the chiefs in the playoffs. The Buffalo bills are going to the Super Bowl.

Dwayne Haskins will start another game in the NFL

I guarantee you, I will bet you a thousand dollars that [Haskins] will start another game. It might be a situation where he's a back up and gets in at the start because of an injury.

Dwayne Haskins will likely never start another NFL game

I would say it's more likely than not that [Dwayne Haskins] does not start another game in the NFL. I really think that it, it, it can go a lot faster than people realize at this point... how quickly they turn over.

The Padres will always finish second to the Dodgers, even with an all-star team

I know this makes no sense, but you could put an all-star team on the Padres and I would just assume that they would finish second.

Jeeps are superior to Teslas in every way

Jeeps are cooler, right. It just, you know, you can take the doors off. He can take the tops off... if there is like a zombie apocalypse or something like that, and there's like a Tesla that is like, let's say abandoned... you disconnect your sway bar. You're in a Jeep, bro. You just go right over it. But you know what I'm saying? That, so there's a lot of benefits, you know, but ultimately Jeeps are just superior in every way, shape and form.

Nick Mercs is actually under six feet tall and refuses to accept it

I'm over six foot easy though... and Nick [Mercs] is just, he's just, ever so under six foot and he really can't accept it. It's crazy.

A US handball team with me, LeBron, and Patrick Mahomes would win Olympic gold

I guarantee we can put a team together. We can win gold. Just, just from pure like arm speed. I don't think guys in other countries and just a really big guy as the goalie back. Right. If you watch it, I mean, I've studied this from time to time... I think if it was you, Patrick Mahomes, and LeBron just how many players play and handle like eight on a shirt all the time. So it was you three against eight players from any other country. I think we went, I think we, I guarantee we can put a team together. We can win gold.

I vomit before every single NFL game as part of my routine

As soon as we come back in from warmups, I go puke... I always think I'm like, all right, I'm going to step faster now. And that's my positive mindset.

The Pro Football Hall of Fame should not be for 'very good' players

What I would say is it, shouldn't be hard to make it into the hall of fame. Absolutely. It's not the whole of very, very good. And I love it. It's the hall of fame.

I do not want to be healthy in a world where March Madness does not exist

If they cancel March madness... I will get coronavirus the next day. I do not want to be healthy in a world where March madness does not exist.

Scottie Pippen definitely had a migraine in the 1990 Game 7 and shouldn't be questioned

Listen, when you have migraines... you can blow worry. You can't see the Noah's is crazy. There is no waste guy that could be a function that there will be migraine. And he did have a migraine men. And for, for us, it's, I mean, for the people who sipping guests that, I mean, I don't know if you can say, you know, the, you know, it, you can kiss my ass. You know, that's, that's crazy, man.

Hank's LR Quill sleep-aid toothpaste idea is terrible and tastes like crap

We tried both of these formulations [LR Quill/Lister Quill]... it didn't tell you to sleep on it. It tasted like crap.

My famous defensive stop on Steph Curry was actually a bad defensive possession

When you say it was actually, you know, I played great defense, but as far as the defensive scheme and play, it was actually a bad defensive possession because I wasn't supposed to let it was supposed to deny the ball back to Steph and I let him get the ball back. So Draymond had caught it kind of in the corner. It was like, okay, I need, I'm going to need Steph to, to make this play because he's done the time and time again.

I am a terrific post player and would put my game up against anybody

I'm a terrific post player. Terrific. I'll I'll put that up against anybody.

I was incredibly sober during my peyote trip with a mountain lion

And I'd gone off on a sunrise walk with this gentleman and he was... slowly disseminating the payoti... when I got back down on the property, there was this, he had this mountain life in his cage... I get confident that me in this mountain lion are on the same frequency... The great thing about peyote had done the right way. No, I don't look back on that at all. I look back on that and go it. If anything, have you looked through the book there's times I've taken, what would be considered risk that absolutely paid off... I would say I was incredibly sober.

Aaron Rodgers is going to win the MVP and he deserves it

Aaron Rodgers is the MVP... I have to just sit here and say, he is most likely going to win the MVP. It's probably deserved. The Packers look awesome.

The Titans defense is not good enough to compete in the playoffs

The Titans are, I don't know what—I mean, they're kind of what we think. Like they're just—they can look explosive sometimes, but their defense is not good... I just don't think their defense can hang. They have no pass rush. There's zero pass rush and they just don't get off the field on third down.

Drew Brees is holding the Saints back and might not be able to make the big throws needed in the playoffs

I still believe that Drew Brees is what holds [the Saints] back. He definitely looks limited... it feels like we're just heading on a collision course to a big game where Drew Brees needs to make like five to six huge throws. And it's just not exactly the same as it used to be.

I don't fully believe in the Buccaneers because they won't be able to just 'flip the switch' in the playoffs

I still don't believe in the Bucs fully because I don't think that they can just flip the switch. It still feels like a team that you're going to, like, we're going to, we're going to watch a playoff game and they're going to struggle to move the ball. And you'd be like, 'How is this happening? Like they have all of these guys.'

Amazon will eventually buy the entire NFL

Amazon is going to buy the entire NFL eventually. You think it was a one-off [the Amazon game]? It is not. Amazon is going to buy the entire NFL.

Kliff Kingsbury is a failure who has succeeded solely because he is attractive

Kliff Kingsbury. Are we sure he's good? It's kind of amazing when you look back at Kliff Kingsbury's entire resume and you realize like, oh, attractive people do really run this world. If you are a good looking guy and you can walk into a meeting and wow someone, you can fail upwards all the way. Kliff Kingsbury was 35 and 40 as the head coach at Texas Tech. He had two winning seasons out of six... Kliff Kingsbury, not very good.

Ryan Fitzpatrick should be in the Hall of Fame as a contributor to the game

I actually think that Ryan Fitzpatrick should be in the Hall of Fame. I think he should be a Hall of Famer. Not just memorable, not just because the bust would be legendary with the beard in it, but because like he's provided so many great memories... if he's not a player, he should be contributor to the game and get into the NFL. Absolutely.

The Chiefs are playing too cute and it might cost them in the playoffs

I've got a take about the Chiefs. I think the Chiefs are getting too cute with it. They're playing too cute football out there. Are they too cute to win in the playoffs? I don't know. They used to be exactly the right amount of cute, but now it's like they've gone Anne Hathaway and all I need is an Emma Stone.

The 2020 Steelers are the worst 11-3 team in sports history

I tweeted out that they are—are they the worst 11 and 3 team in any sport in history? And I think they still might be. I don't see the Steelers being able to win in the playoffs.

You should always root for your team to make the playoffs, even if they'll get crushed

I know I've seen this like, 'Oh, why would you want to get in the playoffs and get the shit kicked out of you so that you get the worse draft picks?' What are you talking about? Being in the playoffs is all—that's what you root for... give me a seat at the table. A chip and a chair.

The Ravens are officially the team that no one wants to play in the playoffs

I think the Ravens officially have become the team no one wants to play. We cast them off and now I think they are officially the team no one wants to play in the playoffs. I really do.

The Bengals' late-season wins might save Zac Taylor's job because their ownership hates the expense of coaching searches

The Bengals might be saving Zac Taylor's job... The fact that he won these last couple of games is huge, but just like the Bengals ownership, they don't like coaching searches. It's expensive.

Matthew Stafford is a great player, but certain organizations like the Lions and Falcons are impossible for any quarterback to turn into contenders

I feel bad for Matthew Stafford... list of teams that Matt Stafford could not turn into a contender... It's pretty much the Lions and the Falcons, because no one can really work magic with them.

Dwayne Haskins might be the worst and most hateable starter or backup quarterback in the NFL

Dwayne Haskins... he might be the worst quarterback in the NFL and hateable. I'm talking about starters. I'm talking about backups. Yeah, he's bad. He's hateable.

If Carson Wentz plays in Week 17, he will be lights out because he is playing for his future

Carson Wentz plays will be his best game ever... Whether it's week 17 or week one next week, he has so much pent up. Like everyone doubts me. Everyone hates me... If he plays in this game, he will be lights out.

There is a 0% chance of beating a team if their coach smashes a watermelon before the game

I can't be—I'm 0 and 2 in watermelon games. I bet way too much on watermelons. I hate these watermelon games. I've lost so much money to the fucking watermelons. I cannot—there's a 0% chance of beating a watermelon team.

The Seahawks defense has officially turned the corner and is now a high-performing unit heading into the playoffs

I timed my Seahawks defense was going to turn a corner... they have officially turned the corner. The Seahawks defense has five straight games now where a team has scored 20 points or fewer against them... They've flipped a switch.

2021 will be the year of hard bodies

Hard bodies in 2021. What does that mean? We're just going to get hard. Hell yeah. By the end of 2021, you will be able to bounce a quarter off my abs and ass. We're the next generation of being hard.

The Pittsburgh Steelers are straight up frauds

The Pittsburgh Steelers are frauds straight up frauds. 11 and 0 to 11 and 3 losing as 14 point favorites to the Bengals. They are broken, they are hurt. They are damaged. And I don't know, like, has there ever been a team that's gone 11-0 and finished 11 and 5 and still going to the playoffs?

Eli Manning had the best retirement strategy by leaving early rather than hanging on like Big Ben

Who actually is coming out the biggest winner, Phillip Rivers, Eli Manning. Eli Manning retired first. He was the first to leave the party. Now he was obviously, when he got bad at the end, it was bad, but our lasting memories are now going to be a bad, bad Big Ben... Eli's just sitting, eating, whatever, like sloppy Joes... and he's going to end up being like, Oh, remember Eli. He was awesome. He never got bad. He's like, it is a great lesson. Like leave the party, be the first to leave.

The Steelers are going to limp into the playoffs and sputter out in the first or second round.

This Steelers team, it feels like they're going to limp in and probably sputter out in the first or second round.

The Rams losing to the Jets might actually be a favor because it provides a wake-up call and could lead to a better playoff matchup against the NFC East winner.

The Rams may have actually done themselves a favor by losing [to the Jets]. One, little wake-up call... Number two is there is a possibility that that would make the Rams play against the NFC East winner in the playoffs. They have beaten every team in the NFC East.

If the Titans can't run the ball down the Packers' throat, the Packers are frauds

This game to me is everything. Unfortunately it is everything. Because if the Titans can't run the ball down the Packer's throat and score at will, I'm going to start having very bad feelings about the Packers being frauds.

Going to a strip club on Sunday is just bad decision making regardless of COVID protocols

Going to a strip club on Sunday is just in general, not a smart idea. Sunday's not a good strip club day... a smart quarterback in my book would either go Monday for $5 buckets or you go on Thursday for the lunch steak and shrimp combo.

Dwayne Haskins is probably going to be cut by the Washington Football Team this week.

Dwayne Haskins... is probably going to be cut this week.

Army football players and soldiers are the 'last of the hards'

The over 1 million men and women who serve in the United States army that we represent when we go and play in this bowl game and we play every week, they are the last of the hard... they are the people who are willing to do the hard jobs and other people don't want to do to stand in the gap between freedom and those wanting to take it from us. And it takes a hard person that's determined and has a spirit about them that's different.

The NBA's consideration of expansion to Seattle is primarily driven by the need for billions in expansion fees

The truth is they need money. And if they expand again, it's about a billion dollars a franchise... They're talking about, 'Oh, should we put more Jersey patches on stuff like that to make up the extra revenue they're not getting from ticket sales?' The Seattle SuperSonics coming back, that would be a hell of a Jersey patch. You would definitely rake in the cash.

The Phoenix Suns will solidly make the playoffs this year with Chris Paul.

The Suns with Chris Paul should be really good. I'm not expecting them to contend for a title, but I think they would solidly get in the playoffs there.

The James Harden trade sweepstakes won't move until a team gets truly desperate

They have to wait for a team to be desperate. And how long is that going to take? ... The reason I say that is to get a Paul George type package to get an Anthony Davis type package for in trade, which is what you want if you're the Rockets... until someone gets desperate, I don't see James Harden moving.

The Brooklyn Nets season is a success if they reach the conference finals, it's not championship or bust

If they get to the conference finals and lose to Milwaukee or lose to a Boston, I think that's a great season. I don't think it's championship or bust, even if they have championship goals... when you have a new group together, it's not a one-year championship or bust.

Giannis Antetokounmpo cannot be your best player in the final two minutes of a playoff game

Giannis might be when it comes down to the last two, three minutes of the game, he can't be your best player because of the style of game that he has... not a great free throw shooter, not a great jump shooter, everybody packs the paint... if you put James Harden on that team and late game where you need a bucket, you need free throws... he would be a perfect fit.

The Atlanta Hawks will crack the top five spots in the Eastern Conference this year.

I say Atlanta. Because you look at what they added... you add another score, another shooter to that team... I truly believe that they'll finish strong and all of a sudden they start moving up the ranks. So I like Atlanta.