Takes

Championship teams don't need to be friends, they just need to respect each other

There is no championship team that are just holding hands and skipping their way to the finals. There's going to be moments where you don't want to talk to each other... you have to respect each other. You don't have to get along. I think that's been proven time in and time out.

The Cleveland Browns are a 'for real' playoff team with 10 wins

The Browns now have 10 wins. They're on their way to the playoffs... Browns are for real, man. The Browns are for real.

Kevin Stefanski should be the NFL Coach of the Year

Kevin Stefanski gets my vote that I don't have, but I'm going to say it anyway. He gets my vote. He gets this podcast vote for coach of the year. The Pardon My Take podcast is getting behind Kevin Stefanski as coach of the year.

The Bills are good enough to beat the Chiefs and win the Super Bowl

The team that we've seen from the Bills in the last two weeks, they could beat the Chiefs in the playoffs. Yes. If everything goes correctly, like their defense is good enough, Josh Allen is fucking hard enough.

The 2020 Falcons are mathematical proof that win probability statistics are fake

This is the fourth game that the Falcons have had a 95% win probability and gone on to lose the game so they are mathematical proof that statistics aren't real. Using statistics, we can now prove that stats are fake.

The Buccaneers are frauds who rely too heavily on 'flipping the switch'

My question from this game: are the Bucs frauds? I think the Bucs are relying on flipping the switch. And I feel like if you are... the Chiefs can be a flip the switch team. Tom Brady and the Patriots can be a flip the switch team. The Bucs have not done it. So you can't be like, 'Hey, we're going to flip this switch.' I feel like the switch isn't there.

Ryan Tannehill is a top five quarterback in the NFL

Ryan Tannehill deserves the credit for being an awesome quarterback the last year and a half. One of the top five quarterbacks in the league. Whether you think he's ranked there or not, he's ranked there statistically.

Matt Stafford is the toughest player in the NFL

Matt Stafford is the toughest motherfucker in the league. He had hurt ribs... didn't practice all week... and still like kept the Lions in this game for three quarters. This dude is a fucking horse. He's always, there's always something going on with him, but not in a Ben Roethlisberger type way.

Matt Nagy should be fired for starting Nick Foles over Mitch Trubisky

Matt Nagy should be fired just because of the fact that he went to Nick Foles with this offensive line. Mitch Trubisky makes this offensive line better because Mitch Trubisky can actually move around and avoid being sacked, where Nick Foles... is a statue. His assessment of his team was so fucking off... he should be fired for that.

The Rams lost to the Jets as part of a secret deal between Sean McVay and Bill Belichick

The Rams lost to McVay with the stipulation that McVay would pay it forward and lose to the Jets. So Belichick gets things... to keep Trevor Lawrence out of the AFC East.

The Jets should not draft a quarterback and instead build around Sam Darnold and Penei Sewell

Is it crazy to say that the Jets might not want to take a quarterback with the second pick? Who's gonna be there in the two-hole is the kid from Oregon, Penei Sewell, who's going to be an awesome offensive lineman. The Jets just go back-to-back, they get Sewell from Oregon. See if Sam Darnold could maybe get them for cheap. You protect him now, which is their biggest issue.

Trevor Lawrence won too much in college to be a successful NFL quarterback

I don't think Trevor Lawrence is going to be good... he's won too much in college. He's not going to be used to coming into a losing environment and having to deal with all the pressures that come along with having to deal with defeat all the time. I think he's sort of going to be like, 'Oh shit' type moment where you realize that this isn't Clemson.

Michael Thomas is purposely avoiding playing with Drew Brees

I have a new saints theory. I think Michael Thomas hates Drew Brees. He was on the IR when Drew Brees was healthy. Drew Brees gets hurt, he plays. Drew Brees comes back, he goes right back on the IR. I think he's trying to avoid Drew Brees. I think he's trying to avoid him.

Patrick Mahomes with one eye would still be the best quarterback in the NFL

Patrick Mahomes with an eye patch would still be the best quarterback in the NFL. It's crazy. If you confiscated one of his eyesights, he would still be, I think, yeah, I just think that he's built different. If you made him close an eye, he'd probably still be able to do 70% of the shit that he does right now.

Indiana has every right to be upset about being snubbed from a New Year's Six bowl

The people who actually have a gripe, I'm going to get mad for Indiana fans. Indiana fans should be upset and they have a right to be upset because Iowa State has lost three games and they're going to a New Year's Six bowl. Indiana should have gone to the New Year's Six bowl. They should be ahead of a three-loss Iowa State team. It's stupid.

Billy Football will fight Jose Canseco as my champion in a trial by combat

I have found a champion in my place. Learn the Game of Thrones, Jose. Ever heard of it? My champion is Billy Football. I will have him fight in lieu of me... Billy is fighting for my honor.

Anthony Lynn is the dumbest coach in football history

Anthony Lynn is the dumbest coach that has ever been created in coaching history. And he fumbled again. He had a bird brain. He has a goddamn bird inside of the skull. Now the bird's dead because even the bird can't stand hanging out with him.

Jon Gruden is not a good head coach

Is Jon Gruden a good head coach? Jon Gruden, his last six seasons as a NFL head coach... Jon Gruden is 40 and 61. That's really bad. Everyone routes for the Raiders to be good because it's fun when the Raiders are good. I think we've willed it to happen a little early here.

The Raiders will finish the 2020 season with a 7-9 or 8-8 record

I think we've willed it to happen a little early here, because they're not, they're going to finish probably seven and nine again or eight and eight.

Marcus Mariota is officially the starting quarterback for the Raiders after his performance against the Chargers

from what we saw tonight, [Marcus Mariota] is the starting quarterback... Also the second pick in the draft, right? Yeah. And from Oregon, all Oregon quarterbacks now I think are good tonight has flipped the script and bring back Dennis Dixon, Joey and Joey Harrington out there in his jeans to come to pass again and bring them all back.

John Elway passing on Josh Allen in the draft was his biggest failure because Allen is Elway's 'wet dream' of a quarterback

John Elway passed on Josh Allen... this [Josh Allen] was the guy that John Elway spent his entire career looking for when he was drafting Brock Osweiler. He was in his wildest dreams... And he passed. He took Bradley Chubb... This is like John Elway's wet dream of a quarterback.

The Buffalo Bills are in danger of being jinxed by media hype

I am slightly nervous about the hype for the bills. It feels like too many people... decided here's my hot take: the bills are really good. It's like, yeah, we've known they've been really good. As soon as everyone starts saying the bills are incredible, I feel like they're jinxing them.

The Packers will not win the Super Bowl if they continue to struggle against teams with winning records

The Packers are 10 and 3. They're 1 and 2 against teams with winning records. Okay. That's I mean, that's not, if they go 1 and 2, and then they go 1 in 2 in the playoffs, they will not win the Super Bowl. That's true. In fact... but he still wouldn't wear this to win the Super Bowl. That's a fact.

The Buccaneers will lose to the Falcons because of special teams COVID issues

To me that seems like this seems like a heartbreaking type loss for Tampa Bay, special teams, the most important of all the units... it's not ideal to go into a division game against an opponent that loves to play extremely close to match-ups... and then have your kicker and the person that hikes the ball to your kicker beyond the IR.

Frank Ragnow should sit out the rest of the season because playing with a fractured throat for a 5-11 Lions team is a losing proposition

Frank Ragnow who played last game for the Lions with a fractured throat... Frank, Calvin Johnson retired, Barry Sanders retired. They realized that this was a losing proposition to be on the Detroit Lions. You have a fractured throat on a 5 and 11 team. You can sit there. It's a weird throat to die on. No one would blame you if you sat out for the rest of the season.

The Bears have a 90% chance to make the playoffs if they win out

If the Bears have a 20% chance to get to the playoffs right now, if they win this game against the Vikings, they have a 43% chance. If they win the following week against the Jags, it's now 53% chance. If they win against the Packers, 90% chance. So if they win out, they have a 90% chance to go to the playoffs.

Drew Brees can no longer throw deep because of a shoulder injury

His shoulder injury. Because he forgot to tell the doctor about that. His shoulder, he can't throw deep anymore period. But his shoulder is hurt. He can't throw deep anymore, even worse. So it's like his game is so limited that defenses can plan for him being like this guy's shoulder's shot.

'Eating your way out of town' is an underused and effective move for a player to force a trade

I choice not to look at any more angles of James Harden pictures... I choose to believe that James Harden is fat and I say more power to him. The eating your way out of town is the move that it's underused. And if all else fails and you want it to be traded, just put on a shitload of weight until people are embarrassed of you. And then guess what? You can always lose the weight.

I'm rooting against chaos this College Football Championship Saturday

I am rooting against chaos. I do not want any chaos. I think the best four teams are very clearly Alabama, Clemson, Notre Dame and Ohio State. I do not want to talk about trash Texas A&M and their only good win being against Florida. I don't want to talk about Iowa State losing by 17 to Louisiana.

A College Football Playoff matchup between Alabama and USC would be a bloodbath

I watched every USC game... I just, I can't see this team playing its Alabama. It would be a bloodbath. If you're going to make a contingency plan, at least make it that one, not a team [Oklahoma] that's lost to Iowa State and K-State already.

The best path for Texas A&M into the playoffs is an Alabama blowout of Florida and a Notre Dame win over Clemson

I think A&M has one path and one path only, and that is Alabama clobbers Florida and Notre Dame beats Clemson. But the thing is if Notre Dame does beat Clemson, I think they're gonna be in, I think A&M would be in because I just can't picture who else they put in.

Hugh Freeze would jump at the Tennessee head coaching job

I think he'd like to be the next coach at the University of Tennessee. I think that's the job he's wanted for quite some time, probably since before he became a college coach... if that opportunity came available, he would jump at it.

Alabama will beat Florida by 40 points in the SEC Championship

I actually think they'll win by 40. A lot better game out of Florida than we saw last week. I just don't know that they are talented enough to beat Alabama.

The COVID-19 pandemic would be taken more seriously if the virus had a scarier name like 'The Riptide Virus'

I think that if they called the Corona virus something more scary, like the Riptide Virus and had a person with Australian accent talking about it, we'd take it more seriously. Like coronavirus, that sounds easy.

Saved By The Bell wouldn't stand up as a new show today

I have to be honest, it didn't pique [my daughter's] interest. I mean, she laughed because she saw me at her kind of like a little bit older than her, but I don't think it's the TV that they would want to watch right now. That show would not stand up today.

The 'Jessie's Song' caffeine pill episode of Saved By The Bell is a top 3 TV episode of all time

I think the episode with Jessie would still stand up. That to me is that the episode where she got hooked on trucker pills. That's one of the top three television episodes... 'I'm so excited, I'm so scared.' I mean goosebumps.

Salt Bae’s high-sprinkle technique actually seasons meat more equally than seasoning it from a close distance

There is a reason why he [Salt Bae] does that, right? He just wants to not because it just looks awesome. If you actually salt your stuff too close your salt and pepper tend to only go in that one specific direction. If you go up higher, it actually falls. So it actually seasons your meat a much more equally.

It should be encouraged to kill bats to keep the population down and reduce the risk of mosquito bites

I feel like it should be encouraged to kill bats... [to keep the] population like to keep it down. So like no of the mosquito bites. Which also was the bats. That's true.

The Ravens are still frauds despite their win over the Browns

I've been hard on the Ravens. I still think they're frauds. But what I've always said is I want to see Lamar [Jackson] come back late. And he did that last night. Yeah. So you have to give them credit for that. You can't be a hater when that happens.

Cody Parkey will miss a big kick in a playoff game and ruin the Browns' season

Cody Parkey will fuck you in the face. If the Browns make the playoffs, there is no sure bet in the entire world, then Cody Parkey doing this to the Browns. I'm nervous about Cody Parkey. I think he's going to fuck us. Cody Parkey will miss the big kick in a playoff game for the Browns and the Browns will have no one to blame but themselves.

Losing a bet on a safety or scoregami play is a better story than a standard loss

If you had like a unit on it, it's not even that bad because that's a story that you can tell. I'd rather lose on that play and be like, 'Oh man, I can't believe I had the under in Raiders Colts.' This is a great story you can tell. I took the Browns to cover on that Monday night football game where Lamar Jackson spent half the time getting rid of the Chipotle that was in his anus.

Giannis staying in Milwaukee is a major victory for NBA parity

I think this is actually great for the league. It's a win for the league because you have a little bit more parity. You have the small market teams like teams drafting a superstar and be able to hold on to them is important for the league.

Giannis will eventually want out of Milwaukee if they suffer more early playoff exits

If they get bounced, like for years in a row, he'll be like, yeah, I'm out. He still has an out because it's the NBA and any player can say, I want out at any time.

LaVar Ball is a man of his word for getting all three of his sons into the NBA

Alvar [LaVar] called the pistons a raggedy as hell franchise. He had his head—it was a week where he had all three sons in the NBA. So I guess, I guess you can say he's a man of his word he was proven correct.

Duke should have changed their shoe contract after Zion Williamson's shoe exploded

Duke should have changed his shoe contracts after Zion [Williamson], huh?

Roger Goodell saved thousands of lives by not allowing NFL employees to skip the COVID-19 vaccine line

I think that we should be appreciative of Roger Goodell for saving lives. Probably thousands of lives by not having NFL employees skip the line to get the coronavirus vaccinations first. Goodell has made the announcement that he will not have his employees go to the front of the line as essential service workers to get to the [vaccine]. So thank you to Roger Goodell.

Outside beer season is the best beer season

Outdoor beers. It's outdoor beer season. When it's snowing outside, when it's cold, you don't have to take up space in your refrigerator, you leave the beers outside. It's God's refrigerator. You crack open a beer directly from your porch and it tastes colder than it does on the fridge. It's the best season of all.

Jake Paul is a fraud and I want to fight him

Jake Paul... everyone's mad at him... I'll just say it right now... he's a fraud. One step closer to me beating his ass.

Twitter's decision to discontinue Periscope is a mistake

Hot Seat Periscope. It's been discontinued in March. The Twitter made the decision to, it's going to be Twitter live. So the memories that the Cat caves there. Twitter does that. They choose the wrong thing to do and do it more than any company that's ever existed.

Lamar Jackson wasn't pooping during the Browns game; he actually just had cramps

No, it wasn't [pooping]. It was, it was cramps. It wasn't pooping. I was like—his forearm was cramping and then his—the run everyone saw where it looked like a poop run to the locker room, it was like his calf or something was cramped. And so he was trying not to let it lock up on him.