Takes

USA Soccer is off the hook for missing the World Cup because Italy missed it too

USA Soccer is officially on the cool throne because Italy did not make the World Cup either. And that's like a big deal... we're off the hook, though. Because this is like the hottest chick who didn't make the ball... we can laugh and be like, no, those guys actually try, and they suck. It's not us.

Josh Gordon won't be as good as before because he's sober

[Josh Gordon] got reinstated, but it came out that he admitted that he used drugs or alcohol before every single game he's ever played. So he's going to have to come back and not use drugs or alcohol, and he's not going to be that good.

Twitter's move to 280 characters makes the platform the worst

My hot seat is Twitter, because they have officially made everyone have 280 characters, and it's the worst... I had 280 characters before anyone else, not to brag, but I said to both of you that it's the worst because I get tired even writing 280 characters, let alone reading it. So fuck Twitter for doing that.

At least one NFL coach will be fired before the end of the 2017 season

So Ben McAdoo, we're going to get one coach at least in the NFL is going to get fired before the end of the season. It usually happens.

Texting your date from the bathroom to tell them they look sexy is an alpha move

A-Rod revealed today that when his first date with J-Lo, he went to the bathroom and he texted her, you look sexy AF... fellas, if you're trying to get it... I mean, it's alpha move only for Alex Rodriguez. I feel like this is a new move.

The Raiders have lost their mojo because they aren't getting enough penalties

Jack Del Rio said that they've lost their mojo. You want to know why? Because they're like one of the least penalized teams in the NFL. That's not Raiders football.

The FBI is sniffing around Duke basketball

I've heard that the FBI is snooping around, sniffing around Duke.

The 49ers are 'cover machines' and I will keep betting on them

My cool throne is, number one, the 49ers for the gambling luck. They've lost the last, what, five games by three points or less? They're cover machines. I'm going to keep riding those Niners.

Philadelphia can't have nice things, so the Eagles' success will eventually fall apart

My hot seat is the Eagles. And this is quick... It just seems like it's too good right now. And Philadelphia can't have nice things.

Joel Embiid is a bad contract because his knees won't let him play

They just paid Joel Embiid like $150 million, even though his knees are terrible and he's probably not going to play.

Eli Manning might get traded to the Jaguars to reunite with Tom Coughlin

Do you hear this one about Eli Manning maybe getting traded to the Jaguars? Because Tom Coughlin. Think about it.

Mark Ingram has officially won the lead role in the Saints backfield over Adrian Peterson

Mark Ingram... he won the battle of who's going to be the bigger head on the two-headed running back committee in New Orleans... Adrian Peterson is out in Arizona.

The 'Golden Age' of podcasts is over now that people are making wedding planning podcasts

The couple that met because one was a fan of his podcast and then they're getting married and they're creating a podcast together about going through the wedding planning. That right there is like if you could think of the most stereotypical podcast podcast. It is over, boys. It is all done.

2017 should just end already because it has been a terrible year

Gosh, can 2017 just end already? Hot seat 2017. Also Cool Throne 2016 though... It sucks that 2017 now sucks.

The LSU Athletic Director should be on the hot seat instead of Coach O

My hot seat, a lot of people are calling for Coach O to be on the hot seat. Nope. But read an article by Tom Fornelli... The athletic director is the one that should be squarely on the hot seat.

High school is useless and you don't learn anything you use as an adult

I'm kind of in agreement with [LaVar Ball] because who needs high school? Name one thing that you learned in high school that you used today. That's what I thought. No. You don't learn shit in high school.

The Titans signing Brandon Weeden creates an immediate quarterback controversy in Tennessee

The Titans signed Brandon Weeden. So that is a QB controversy in the waiting. I love it. I actually have a little stay woke for you... I think the Titans might have done this... to get a little social media play out of this.

The NFC North is currently the 'Division of Quarterbacks' in the NFL

My other cool throne is names. Speaking of quarterbacks, cool throne... NFC North quarterbacks because that is officially the division of quarterbacks. Mitch Trubisky is going to start for the Bears... Matthew Stafford, Dark Horse MVP, Aaron Rodgers, Super Bowl winner, and Sam Bradford.

Bruce Arians is on the hot seat because he is losing his mind and making terrible challenges

Bruce Arians is officially actually on the hot seat because I don't think he has all his marbles... That challenge though, everyone was saying how bad it was, but it we correctly identified it as the football guy who gets so frustrated he just challenges a random play he knows he's gonna lose.

NFL ratings are down because players aren't sleeping with Kardashians anymore

Do you think that's why NBA ratings are up and NFL is down because none of the NFL players are sleeping with the Kardashians?

Twitter's 280-character limit will ruin threads and make the app unbearable

Twitter has announced that the app that everyone loves and can't make any money has announced they're going to make everyone read more. So 280 characters... I might not be able to be on Twitter anymore. That's so much reading. They just doubled their product. And they just ruined threads.

You cannot be a bad football coach and have slicked-back hair like Ben McAdoo

My other hot seat was Ben McAdoo's hair. You can't be bad and have hair like that... That slick back hair and the quarter length sleeve jumper was just such a bad... You can't look like an asshole when you get beat on Monday Night Football.

Ben McAdoo is officially not a football guy

I am officially, here's me, a rare thing done on Pardon My Take... I'm here to apologize. Ben McAdoo is not a football guy. Firmly not. The punch the kangaroo in the face stunt, that's when I knew he was not a football guy. That slick back hair and the quarter length sleeve jumper... You can't look like an asshole when you get beat on Monday Night Football.

Baylor coach Matt Rhule will be fired by the end of the season and replaced by Lane Kiffin

At the end of the season, this guy [Matt Rhule] gets fired... It's Lane Kiffin's destiny to take over the Baylor program.

I am firmly anti-Tony Romo as a broadcaster because he provides too many spoilers

I'm fucking sick of everyone saying how great Tony Romo is... It's impressive that he calls plays, but I don't really want to know what's coming. It's a spoiler. He's literally doing in real time spoilers right in my face. And everyone's like, Tony Romo, such a breath of fresh air. I am firmly in the anti-Tony Romo until people just cool down a little about it.

No fat football coach has ever won the Super Bowl

It is scientific fact. No fat football coach has ever won the Super Bowl. Think about it. Parcells was skinnier. John Madden was a lot skinnier. Every football guy gets fatter after they retire... Parcells was actually kind of in football guy shape. I'm saying no fat coach. That's why Andy Reid's probably losing all this weight because he's like, fuck, I got to get in shape.

Confirmed: Mike Gundy has shaved his mullet

I've heard the same rumor as you [Hank]... Mike Gundy does not have a mullet anymore. But this is a major Samson and Delilah case here. If he loses his mullet, he loses power.

Robert Griffin III is going to dislocate his patella playing pickup basketball

RG3 was videotaped in a gym... playing against 40-year-old white dudes and just draining buckets all over them. So that can only mean that a Robert Griffin patellar dislocation is right around the corner.

The Vikings officially won the Sam Bradford trade with the Eagles

Sam Bradford, that is an official win for the Vikings in their trade when you said that that was the worst trade ever last year... Teddy Bridgewater might never play football again. Sam Bradford was on fire on Monday night.

Steve Jobs didn't design the iPhone for people to put cases on it

I have never had a case on my phone. Skin on metal. Feels good. Feels real good. Feels wrong to do it. Steve Jobs didn't make an iPhone to put a fucking case on it.

Relationships that survive the first four months of football season are destined for marriage

If you can make it through the first four months of football season with a new fling, you're basically going to get married.

Les Miles will replace Magic Johnson as the most obvious tweeter on the internet

Magic, you're on the hot seat. If Les [Miles] starts figuring out how to predict MVPs and stuff, Magic might be out of a job. ... [Les] is giving strict play-by-play of the game. It's like Norm MacDonald doing golf tournament updates.

Incest should be legal if the people involved are attractive enough

There should be a rule against making incest illegal if you're hot enough... every time that you see purebred dog, guess what? That dog's got a shitload of incest in its lineage. If you're above like a nine... you should be allowed to commit incest because those are good genes you got going on.

Malcolm Gladwell would probably beat LeBron James in a long-distance foot race

LeBron got challenged by Malcolm Gladwell to a foot race... These fucking nerds, all they do is they go and find the biggest alpha on the block... they're like, hey, I'll challenge you to this sport that's not a sport and we'll make it really long distance so you get super tired. And I honestly can see Malcolm Gladwell winning. Nerds are always faster because they have to run from their bullies from a young age.

The Washington Nationals have a 100% chance of making the NLDS

The Nationals are officially Gucci... The Sabermetrics came out, and they have a 100% chance of making the [NLDS]. I don't know how they can calculate that just yet, but I'm not very smart.

The 'all sides' of the political discourse are simultaneously on the Hot Seat and the Cool Throne

My hot seat is all sides. All sides are on the hot seat right now. Got to hear all sides. All sides are being heard. All sides are being considered. My cool throne is also all sides. So when all sides are on the hot seat, that also means all sides are cool throne.

Guam is on the Cool Throne because North Korea backed down from their missile threats

Cool throne is Guam. The island of Guam. People forget that exists. Yeah, North Korea, they turned their missiles away. They cucked out big time. They said, guess what? We're going to point our missiles at our own belly buttons or something stupid.

The Mooch wearing women's sunglasses because they fit his face better is a power move

The Mooch also came out and said that he wears women's sunglasses because they fit his face nicely. So all you fuckers out there who haven't embraced wearing women's clothes if they make you look better, fuck off.

The 'TNT Bulls' home winning streak technically survives because the NBA was too cowardly to schedule them on TNT

The NBA has run away, cowards. They have not scheduled the Bulls, the Chicago Bulls, on TNT Thursday night this year... Alternative facts, the Bulls really fucking suck, and they probably didn't want to put them on national television. But nonetheless, the record, the 20 straight home wins on TNT, you can't lose if you don't play.

Phil Mickelson is on the Cool Throne because of his jacked legs

My cool throne is Phil Mickelson's legs. He decided to wear shorts at the PGA Championship practice round, and his legs were looking jacked.

Alabama football would be terrible if it had higher SAT requirements

Josh Rosen... said that if you raise the SAT score requirement to get into Alabama, they'd have a shitty football team. So he's calling the entire state of Alabama dumb, basically... why would anybody want to go to school in Alabama if they had to be smart to go there?

The Mooch is on the Cool Throne after getting a hero's welcome on Long Island

The Mooch got a hero's welcome at an Italian restaurant on Long Island. The Mooch went to a Long Island Italian restaurant and it reportedly erupted into cheers for him. Everyone stopped what they were doing and cheered for him.

The government has already won the spying game because everyone willingly put Alexa listening devices in their homes

Big Brother, you thought that the government was going to start putting robots in our houses. They just flipped the script and they're like, everyone has to go buy those stupid Alexa things. And they willingly put it in their house. And now we've been spied on. And now it's over. If you buy an Alexa, you're done. It has your credit card information. You're done.

Butts are on the Hot Seat because boobs are back in style

My hot seat is butts. Big hot seat because New York Post... they just wrote a trend piece about how boobs are back. So going to put butts square on the hot seat. Guess what? You thought it was cool to have a big butt? Everyone that went out there and got butt implants, you might want to see if those go two ways and you can just move them up to your chest.

Mike Vick's dog training experience will help him as an NFL coaching intern

There are actually probably some lessons from [Mike Vick's] dog training days that he could directly apply to training athletes. He's going to keep his young quarterbacks on a short leash until they're trustworthy.

Derrick Rose signing with the Cavs is sad and marks the end of his relevancy

Derrick Rose just signed with the Cavs... He's going to be LeBron's little sidekick. Is he going to be Robin? It's very sad how his career has turned out. $2.1 million to play with a guy that he absolutely despised when he was in Chicago.

If Derrick Rose stays healthy this season, the Cavaliers will win the NBA Championship

A lot of people are going to say, if Derrick Rose can stay healthy this year, then the Cavs are going to win. As a matter of fact, if there's anybody out there that's like a deadbeat dad in Cleveland... if Derrick Rose can play a full season... then I'll be your real dad.

Golf is in good hands with Jordan Spieth as the new face of the sport

Golf is officially on the cool throne because Jordan Spieth, he is now the new face of golf. I don't know if you guys have seen, but golf is in good hands now. We're out of the woods with the post-Tiger Woods era. Jordan Spieth's the guy.

Colin Kaepernick has a 'Bob Ross thing' going on and the NFL wants a surgeon at quarterback, not an artist

Kaepernick's hair, he's got like a Bob Ross thing going on. The guy that was on Public Access, the painter guy. And if you want to be a quarterback, we don't want an artist, right? We want a surgeon.

NFL equipment managers might be the ones preventing teams from signing Colin Kaepernick because they don't have helmets big enough for his hair

Maybe it is actually the equipment guys who are telling these owners not to sign Colin Kaepernick because they're like, I don't think I have a helmet big enough for his hair.