Takes

Baker Mayfield is officially a franchise quarterback

Baker Mayfield saying, 'I woke up this morning feeling dangerous.' That's a franchise quarterback.

The Bears can win a playoff game if they beat the Vikings on Sunday Night

The Sunday night football game against the Vikings is going to be the biggest test where it's like, okay, can they at home beat a really good team? And then I will say to myself, this team can win a playoff game.

Matt Patricia has officially lost the Lions' locker room

Remember the start of the season when we said Matt Patricia lost the locker room and everyone was like, 'No, you were wrong.' I think he actually has. And it's a disaster.

The Jets need to fire Todd Bowles

Todd Bowles has got to get fired. He does. He does. No, don't change the subject here. Todd Bowles has got to get fired. I remain faithful [that they should].

Recruits will overlook a coach's personal scandals if the program is high-level enough

I'd say most kids probably would go play for that coach [who frequents massage parlors] if it was a high enough program. Hey, 17-year-old jock kid that is being recruited, your coach is so famous for being a good head coach that he's getting handjobs all the time... I bet you don't want to play for him.

Jimmer Fredette will get another shot in the NBA

The Mormon Megalodon dropped 75 in China... He'll get another shot. I don't know about that. We'll see.

Louisville is no longer fun without Pitino and Petrino

I wish they didn't fire Pitino and Petrino, because now I feel like Louisville's just not going to be as fun anymore. They went from the horniest campus in America to now just a really boring campus.

Notre Dame is the most likely top-four team to miss the CFB Playoff

[Predict one of the four teams not making it] Notre Dame. Even over Michigan? Yeah. Because Michigan's got to play Ohio State. I think if you look at Notre Dame, I don't think any of us are going to be surprised if they lose to Syracuse next weekend.

Michigan is currently a better team than Notre Dame

I honestly think Michigan, even though it lost to Notre Dame to start the year, is better than Notre Dame. At least it's playing better... I think Michigan just overall, special teams, defense, and offense has been a better team than Notre Dame.

Alabama is invincible this year unless Tua Tagovailoa gets seriously injured

I feel like really the only way I see Alabama losing a game this year is if Tua gets hurt seriously and has to miss time. Unless Tua gets hurt and Jalen [Hurts] is hurt, I think Alabama's pretty invincible.

Oklahoma should not make the College Football Playoff because their defense is terrible

Oklahoma stinks. And if they somehow sneak into the college football playoff, I will be absolutely furious because their defense is so bad... Tell me there's order in this world [and they won't make it].

Ben Mason is the clear number one fullback in college football

Mason's my clear number one. No, Mason, to me, is clearly the best fullback in college right now. He just destroys dudes.

Dino Babers would be the ideal hire for USC

If I'm the Trojans, I'd go after [Dino] Babers, honestly. Because I think that he runs an exciting offense. You know, in L.A., you have to sell excitement. I think Babers is a good coach.

Baker Mayfield is having the best year of all the rookie quarterbacks

I'm going to give it to my guy, Baker Mayfield. I just feel like, given how bad that offensive line is, the way that he stood in there and taken some of these hits and made plays... the performances that he's put up with all the turmoil inside the organization have been kind of crazy.

Josh Rosen has been the most disappointing rookie quarterback

The one that really disappoints, I think, it's probably Josh Rosen. Any one of these guys, given no-skill position players around them, some uninspired play calling could look as bad as Josh Rosen looks right now.

The only way to slow down Drew Brees and the Saints is with interior defensive pressure

Interior pressure. Drew Brees trying to find passing lanes with a center and a guard's ass in his face. That's how teams have beaten them in the past.

Offensive linemen secretly hated playing with Michael Vick because his scramble drills led to injuries

A story I've always wanted to write, guys that played with Michael Vick secretly hated it because he was running around so much that people ended up falling all around their legs because the plays were going on too long. And there were several careers that were cut short or ended... because they played too long with Michael Vick.

John Harbaugh will be the Ravens' coach for another year

I think they finish strong, and I think Harbaugh is going to be the coach there for another year... I would put money on Harbaugh being there for a while.

Urban Meyer will be the next head coach of the Green Bay Packers

Urban Meyer's going to go to Green Bay. Where does Harbaugh go? Harbaugh's staying. Urban Meyer goes to Green Bay. Mike McCarthy goes to the Browns. Bob Stoops coaches Ohio State.

Jimmy Butler screwed over the Timberwolves by tanking his trade value

Jimmy Butler fucked over the Timberwolves. Make no mistake about it. He fucked them over. Doing what he did gave them zero leverage. I'm going to sit out when I want to sit out. I don't give a fuck. And the Timberwolves were like, okay, well, now we're screwed.

The 76ers signing Carmelo Anthony would signify the end of The Process

If you bring Carmelo Anthony on your team, the process is over... No, you're starting to undo the process. You're stretching the process too thin. You're taking the tent down.

Carmelo Anthony's late-career decline is ruining his legacy

What's going to end up happening is he's going to keep hanging on and keep doing this, and it's going to ruin his legacy because he actually was an unbelievable basketball player... Syracuse Melo and Nuggets Melo and being an unbelievable scorer, it's all going to be ruined.

The writer of the 'I Miss Northwestern Losing' article is dangerous to society

Pat Fitzgerald actually is an awesome coach. We have friends on that team... But their alumni, when they're writing shit like this, you're dangerous to society. If you are struggling this much with watching sports, they're not for you.

The Steelers are a factor in the AFC playoff race

I'm ready to declare the Steelers are back. No, they're a factor. That's what I'm going to call them. They're going to be a factor. They could make some noise. Big Ben plays better when he's dead.

Dez Bryant will be a massive goal-line threat for the Saints

Dez Bryant in Sean Payton's offense is going to be like a goal line threat. He's going to be open because they've got to cover everyone else. And he's going to put up numbers.

Sean Payton signed Dez Bryant to pick his brain for the Cowboys job next year

My other thing about this is I think Sean Payton signed [Dez Bryant] so that he could pick his brains about the Dallas offense and all the players on that team so that Sean, when he takes the Dallas job next year...

The Eagles will beat the Cowboys and start a winning run

I actually have that as my loser leaves town game. Cowboys at Eagles. Losers leaves town because essentially the Eagles, I have a feeling the Eagles will start their run here. This will be the point where you're like, okay, now the Eagles are starting to turn it around.

The Redskins will win the NFC East

Now I want to point out that Mike Tanyer... ran a simulation of the rest of the season... And the R-Words still won the division. So don't jump the gun on the Eagles just yet. Now I'm 100% back in on the R-Words train after learning about the simulation.

The Falcons are on the track to being a good team

I think that the Falcons might be on the track to being good. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. I really do. Are we sure they're a good game? If they lose [to the Browns], they're not good.

The Seahawks will cover +9.5 against the Rams because they have pride

I like the Seahawks plus nine and a half... Seahawks, like, say what you want about the last Pete Carroll run. They still have pride. And a nine-and-a-half point spread is just do you have pride or not. Because the teams that have pride, they don't lose by double digits.

Duke could beat the Cleveland Cavaliers

Zion Williamson, R.J. Barrett, Alex O'Connell. It's the big three, and Paul Pierce told them they could beat the Cavs, and they could. Dukes, yeah.

Julio Jones will score three touchdowns against the Browns

Julio Jones. The floodgates are open. He scored a touchdown last week. He's going to score three this week. Three touchdowns against the Cleveland Browns. Start him, start him, start him.

Bad things happen to Notre Dame when they wear their green uniforms

When Notre Dame wears their green uniforms, bad things happen. 2007, they lost 38-0 to USC. 2006, you might remember the Bush Push. In 2002, they lost to Boston College as 10-point favorites... When they wear the green uniforms, bad things happen.

Archie Manning is the shadow commissioner of the NFL calling all the shots

The big mess up was something that we've been kind of hot on the case of recently, and that's that there's a shadow commissioner of the NFL... Archie Manning. Archie Manning is calling all the shots, keeping his kids employed.

Incompetent leadership is the biggest long-term threat to the NFL

I think ultimately the incompetence of the people who run it is going to wear it down because there is no long-term thinking among any of these owners... So I think that the crisis of leadership is the biggest long-term threat to the league, perhaps.

Roger Goodell stays in power by ensuring there are no strong successors

Part of the savviness of Roger Goodell is that if you want to stay in power a long time, don't hire strong number twos and threes that can replace you. And he has never hired or groomed, let alone even identified a successor.

Will Grier is the best player in college football

I don't know where that [big balls narrative] come from, honestly, because I got the best player in college football in Will Grier, so those decisions are pretty easy.

I could knock out Floyd Mayweather in a punch-for-punch contest with training

We flip a coin, and you get to punch the other person. No hands up, no movement, no anything. And I would knock him out before he knocked me out... I need at least three months to train my neck.

Soap can't get dirty because it cleans itself

My friend uses a bar of soap to clean his ass crack and uses it the next day on his whole body... He says soap can't get dirty, so it's fine. [Hank says] He's right. You're wrong. It's like soap cleans itself all the time because it's layers.

The Cowboys stink and Jerry Jones has no idea what is going on anymore

The Cowboys stink. And Jerry Jones is either dead or has no idea what's going on anymore. He actually has changed the narrative on everyone because he's so scared of firing Jason Garrett and not having full control of his team.

Jerry Jones is no longer making the calls for the Cowboys

Jerry Jones is not making the calls anymore. I think he's a figurehead right now. He's the emperor with no clothes... Steven Jones, he's taken over the kingdom from his father. It's like at the end of Braveheart where the old guy's dying and the son's making the calls.

LeBron James will eventually get Luke Walton fired from the Lakers

LeBron [James] will get Luke Walton fired, and you'll bounce back there.

The Titans should not have signed Malcolm Butler

Malcolm Butler fucking stinks. He's so bad. He's been terrible. [Bill Belichick] duped over his own former player. You are the Titans, yes. You should not have signed Malcolm Butler.

Matt Nagy will win NFL Rookie Head Coach of the Year, with Mike Vrabel winning it for the AFC

Mike Vrabel is my rookie head coach of the year... Actually, no, Matt Nagy. Mike Vrabel is my AFC rookie head coach of the year. There are two of them.

NASA is inventing stories about aliens to secure funding against Space Force

This goes back to my theory that NASA is just inventing cool shit to talk about so they can continue their funding because right now they're going up against Space Force. But I would assume that, like, this would be something that Space Force would really get a lot of money thrown into their coffers for. If you think that there's aliens that are actually checking us out.

Blackhawks GM Stan Bowman will be fired if he doesn't fix the team quickly after firing Joel Quenneville

Because now, Stan Bowman, you're on the hot seat. If you get a guy fired, you better fix it fast. Otherwise, you're going to get fired.

Duke is guaranteed to win the national title this year

Duke is going to win the national title. Mark this down. Write this down. Post it. We'll replay this in the spring. Duke is going to win the national title. Guaranteed. Big Cat guarantee. There's nothing that will stop them.

Joe DiMaggio's 56-game hitting streak is likely the most unbreakable record in sports

I agree. My longest hitting streak was 16 games. And so to think somebody could go 56 games without going 0 for 4 is amazing to me. And I think the pressure of the consecutive games hitting streak... because of the media coverage and the scrutiny, that creates more pressure. And so I think that's almost unattainable.

Certain players have an intangible value that isn't captured by modern sabermetrics

I think that certain players have an intangible value that's not measurable in the way that they're measuring everything nowadays. But, I mean, it's like Eddie Murray was our fourth hitter. He could be 0 for 50... But if Eddie was not in our lineup, we felt like we didn't have a good lineup. He stabilized the whole lineup.

Accomplishments from the steroid era are unfairly diminished by the widespread use of PEDs

For someone that's been in it, it kind of bothers me that when they look back, said it was the steroid era. And then, therefore, it kind of takes away your accomplishments during that time frame... It makes a light of your accomplishments.