Takes

I would immediately fire any server who posted a celebrity's bad tip on social media

[If a server took a picture of a celebrity's bad tip and posted it on social media], I would fire him. Absolutely. [As an owner] I would probably tip her... and I'm going to promote [the celebrity visit]. I'm going to try to turn it into something good... You can't determine who's good enough for you and who's not.

The 'Farm to Table' label is a crock of shit because it isn't legally defined

[Farm to Table] is a crock of shit, because most of it isn't farm to table. For example, the spices come out of a jar... unfortunately, those terms aren't legally defined. So you can say them and get away with a lot of gray fringe bullshit on those.

Alcohol-detecting 'sniffers' in cars are bullshit because they aren't 100% accurate

[Interconnect systems] are sniffers in cars... it sniffs your breath and it knows if you've drank. So if you get in the car and the sniffer sees alcohol in your breath, the car will not start... my point is it's only about 80% accurate. So 20% of the time, that car is not going to start, and it's not your fault. That's bullshit.

The phrase 'Don't Drink and Drive' is an extreme slogan that hurts the alcohol industry

There's a phrase in our industry that says don't drink and drive. That's a good phrase. No it isn't. Because you can have a glass of wine and drive. It doesn't mean don't drink and drive. The statement should be drink and drive responsibly... 'Don't drink and drive' is extreme and if people buy into that premise, it can destroy our industry.

No one will own cars in 15 years because of automation

He [CEO of Mercedes-Benz] says in 15 years that we're not going to own cars anymore. They're all going to be electric vehicles... The vehicle will pull up in front of your house... those changes are going to change the entire world. [Auto insurance and repair industries will disappear].

Tom Herman's hand job scandal is actually a step in the right direction for his marriage

I'm not going to pretend to know what goes on behind the scenes between Tom Herman and his wife. My guess is knowing how Tom Herman acts just in general, he's probably kind of a dick all the time. And her finding out that he was getting alleged hand jobs is probably the most normal laid back thing that Tom Herman does. So she's like, this is actually a step in the right direction for a marriage.

Urban Meyer's sideline health issues are dramatic acting based on game flow

Urban Meyer... every single time Maryland scored, he looked like he was going to pass out. He was doing the most dramatic things on the sidelines, going to his knees and throwing his headset... And then Ohio State would come down the field and score, and he'd have his hands up, and he'd be like, I'm back, I'm good.

The Green Bay Packers are dead

Today is Friday, November 16th, and the Green Bay Packers are dead. They are. The Packers gave it their all. They really tried hard, but to fall short and to punt fourth and two with three and a half minutes left... I just do not understand that ever.

Aaron Rodgers has lost his magic

I think it's time for us to put the done shit on them. I think they're done. I think the magic has gone away from Aaron Rodgers. Listen. I think the pendulum has swung.

Mike McCarthy is basically just Jason Garrett without the clapping

Mike McCarthy is basically Jason Garrett. I think they're actually comparable coaches, except [McCarthy] can't do the clap thing because his short little hands won't reach around his body and just clap all the time.

Aaron Rodgers is passionless and nonchalant about his throws

Aaron Rodgers is an exceptional talent... But doesn't it feel like he is very nonchalant about a lot of his throws? He does the flick the wrist thing. And he can do it better than anyone, and it feels like he just is very nonchalant about a lot of his throws.

Todd Bowles will get fired

I'm doing some PFT premonitions here... Here's what's going to happen. Todd Bowles is going to get fired. No, that's not it. That was in the front of my neck. That was my Adam's apple.

The NFC Wild Card round will feature Kirk Cousins vs. the Redskins

My actual premonition, first round of the playoffs, is going to be Kirk Cousins' revenge game against the W-Word Redskins. I'm saying the NFC Wild Card... Vikings are going to win the Wild Card. Oh, and the Redskins are going to win the East.

The Seahawks could finish the season 9-7 or 10-6 and sneak into the playoffs

The Seahawks could definitely, I could see them only having one more loss on this schedule. They're 5-5 right now. They could definitely finish 9-7, 10-6. ... And looking like they could sneak into the playoffs if they get hot down the stretch.

Doug Baldwin is a timeless, unbelievable player

Someone who doesn't get, I think, enough credit in the NFL... Doug Baldwin is like a timeless, unbelievable player... if you watched him play, you're like, 'yeah, that guy can always break a big play.'

The Patrick Mahomes ketchup-shaming in the media is a Chicago conspiracy

I think that this is something that's been planted... by you Chicago elitist types who hate ketchup, and you are dead set on finding something wrong with Pat Mahomes so that you can be like, actually, Mitch is better.

The Cowboys-Falcons loser is eliminated from the playoffs

Loser leaves town... Cowboys-Falcons. That's the game. The loser of that game will officially be eliminated, similar to the Seahawks-Packers game.

The Cowboys will give their fans just enough hope to break their hearts

The Cowboys can't go out in a normal way. They can't lose and not make the playoffs by just being bad. They have to do it in a heartbreaking way. So we have not heard the last of the Cowboys this season.

Never bet on the Oakland Raiders

Don't bet on the Raiders. Also, here's another tip. I bet on the Raiders like five times this year. They will find new ways to reach levels of incompetence that we have not seen in this country in the last 200 years.

The Vikings-Bears game will essentially decide the NFC North

I think the Vikings and Bears [is the game of the week] because I think that is going to be essentially the game to decide the NFC North because the winner of that will be in a nice spot going forward.

I am putting all my money on the Saints to beat the Eagles

The Saints have always done the 'I'm going to step on your throat and you're going to thank me for it.' ... So all my money is going to be going on the Saints in this one.

Mitchell Trubisky will have a coming-out game against the Vikings

This is a coming out game for Mitchell [Trubisky]. Yes. Absolutely. He's going to put on a show.

Bol Bol will get injured this season because he is way too tall

My sit-em is Bol Bol. This guy is way too fucking tall. There's no way he makes it this whole season without getting hurt... he wears short shorts, so it makes him look even taller.

Kyle Shanahan's offensive installs are outrageous

Every install meeting that [Shanahan] does is absolutely outrageous... he explains it so fast. He'll go through 60 plays in about 15 minutes and then you guys got all that, and we're out on the field practicing.

Pancaking a defender is better than catching a touchdown

If you can take a defensive end and bend him over backwards and put his back on the turf, that's one of the greatest feelings of all time.

Nick Saban definitely uses the internet and is lying about it

I think he does have all those things... I just feel like that's a guy who has the internet who's ashamed of having the internet... he always says rat poison... how does he find this stuff out if he doesn't have the internet?

Mike Wilbon thinks analytics have hijacked baseball

Wilbon... actually thinks that we're under an analytics hijacking... Analytics have hijacked his sport, baseball. And he says that we've gone so far and we undervalue wins. He doesn't care about ERA... He cares about wins.

Draymond Green definitely thinks the Warriors are his team

If I can get inside Draymond Green's head, I'm fairly confident Draymond thinks it's his team. He's the straw that serves the drink on this team.

If a podcast lasts seven years, it is Radio Hall of Fame worthy

If you do a podcast for more than seven [years]... the 95% of podcasts go for exactly one month and end. And then the other 5%, if you can get past seven years, then you're officially Radio Hall of Fame worthy.

Bridges are more beautiful than tunnels and I love looking at them

Bridges. They're beautiful. Are you kidding me? Dude, bridges are so beautiful. The architecture, come on. ... Bridges and stadiums. I'll look at bridges and empty stadiums all day.

I prefer being in tunnels over bridges because bridges make me nervous

I would much rather be in a tunnel than on a bridge. ... my hands clam up when I'm driving on a bridge sometimes. I love bridges [to look at], but [driving on them]... yeah.

Chinese food lacks cheese because of lactose sensitivity in Asia

I actually know the answer to this. Because Asian people, by and large, are more sensitive to lactose. So when they first opened up ice cream shops and stuff like that over in China, most people got sick and went out of business.

Eli Manning is definitely going to be in the Hall of Fame

He's going to be in the Hall of Fame, which we can embrace debate. I actually looked through his numbers. I did some deep diving. It's interesting to be like he's a Hall of Famer for sure and then look at his career and be like half the seasons you had to even ask if he was good.

The Rams will have 'super strength' by training at high altitude before returning to sea level

The LA Rams went to Colorado Springs to practice in altitude all week... Will they have super strength by going back down to sea level? Okay, so yes. I was going to say, if there's any other answer, then yes, you're wrong.

Kevin Durant is definitely leaving the Warriors in free agency

The Golden State Warriors are imploding. And now, this is probably an overreaction. Everything you're about to listen to is an overreaction, but this is what, when a team wins as much as the Warriors, we have to overreact... and they all just go their separate ways.

The addition of Kevin Durant to the Warriors was bound to screw up the team's chemistry

This is a classic. There's just one ball. We all predicted this when [Durant] went out there that it was going to screw up the team chemistry. We were right. It just took us a longer time than we thought to get there.

The Warriors should sign Carmelo Anthony as a 'fall guy' to unite the team

Bring Carmelo [Anthony] in and then they all have a common enemy and everybody starts hating Carmelo. And then that galvanizes the team. They're like, 'You know what, Katie, you're not so bad.' He's a fall guy. Bring in your fall guy Carmelo, get rid of him after like a week and the team will be all back together.

Steph Curry might leave the Warriors for the Lakers

Aisha Curry recently followed Vanessa Bryant on Instagram. So what if Steph was the one to leave the Warriors, go to the Lakers, and leaves KD to deal with Draymond and all the trash in Golden State?

If a foreign actor plays an American in more than three movies, they are officially American

If you are in more than three movies where you're in America in the movie, you're American. Like Idris Elba, that guy's American. He was in The Wire. When I found out he had an English accent, it blew my fucking mind... Christian Bale? American. 100%. Russell Crowe? American.

Bill O'Brien is a bad coach who will never win a Super Bowl

Bill O'Brien's a bad coach and no way he's going to win a Super Bowl. Yeah, exactly. No way he's going to win a Super Bowl.

Les Miles will be the next head coach of the Kansas Jayhawks

As first reported on Pardon My Take, stolen from message boards online. Les Miles will be the next head coach of the Kansas Jayhawks.

Kansas football should run the triple option because they will always suck otherwise

Kansas should just start running the triple option. Why not? Like, you suck. You're always going to suck unless you bring back Mark Mangino. You suck, so just run the triple option and just fuck everyone up. No one wants to play against the triple option.

The holiday season officially starts right now (November 14th)

My cool throne is actually for everyone who wants to get drunk all the time, because I think we can officially say it's holiday season. Starting right now.

Kansas football is a joke and deserved the treatment I gave them

Kansas football [is] a joke. And then you kick the shit out of them, and then you obviously are like, yeah, you guys are a joke. They should get everything that they deserve in that respect... I think it was more about being the bigger man in that one and letting them just—like you described Kansas football—letting them do that. And letting them stay at that level.

I would love to run the Oklahoma offense in the NFL

Obviously the easiest answer would be, yeah, I'd love to run the offense at Oklahoma. That's because I had three years to do it, and I got so comfortable in it.

The Browns will win a Super Bowl in the 21st century

This is the portion of the interview where we let you predict when the Browns will win the Super Bowl. 2020? In the 21st century, yeah. ... Okay, so you are saying that you will win a Super Bowl with the Browns. Just maybe not the statue.

Markelle Fultz has the yips

Markel Fultz stinks... He's got the yips. And what's a great solution to the yips? Jimmy Butler, who's going to come in and basically walk in and say, I'm the alpha.

Hue Jackson will try to get everyone on the Bengals staff fired to take the head coach job

Hugh Jackson is brought in with a very suspect and vague title, which basically means he's going to ingratiate himself with first Marvin Lewis, then the owner, Mike Brown? Yeah, Mike Brown, and then get everyone fired so he can take the job.

The Eagles are playing like a pile of shit

They [the Eagles] are playing like a pile of shit. Offensively, they look boring. I don't know what it is that's so different from last year.

The NFC East is the Redskins' division to lose

I think it's time to say this is the Redskins' division. I thought the Eagles would win tonight and it would be a race, but the Eagles having that showing, they have to now basically run the table.