Takes

Ben Roethlisberger will gain 150 pounds as soon as he retires from the NFL

[Ben Roethlisberger] is going to gain like 150 pounds when he retires. He's going to be so fat. He's going to be like Ron Dayne.

The US will win the World Cup in 25 years because Cristiano Ronaldo's son is an American citizen

Cristiano Ronaldo's son is now playing for Juventus under nine. And he was born in San Diego, so he's an American citizen. He's like the Johnny Appleseed for the future of U.S. soccer. We just need Cristiano Ronaldo to impregnate just as many women as possible... in America.

The Bengals giving massive contracts to defensive tackles is a smart strategy because it's impossible to tell if a defensive tackle is a bust

The Cincinnati Bengals just gave huge contracts to both their defensive tackles... but it's actually a very smart strategy because everyone always says the Bengals are the cheapest team in football... by making these big contracts to positions that you can never really tell if a defensive tackle is a bust... they're kind of hiding their money there.

October is the best month of the year

October... it is the best month of the year. You have the fall, you have football being awesome, you have playoff baseball, you have NBA and NHL, it is the only month where all four sports are playing.

Thanksgiving is the best holiday

November because football and Thanksgiving... rivalry week is in November, and Thanksgiving is the best holiday.

Patrick Mahomes will be a good quarterback

Yes [Mahomes will be a good QB]... because I'm a Chiefs fan... He's got a howitzer hanging off his shoulder. Now, therefore, with the right coaching and the right opportunity... I feel very confident.

I bet Patrick Mahomes will not be a good quarterback

I am going to be on the, I don't think Patrick Mahomes is going to be a good quarterback side of history. So I'm going to stamp my, I'm going to put my flag in.

There is no finish line in show business where you can stop grinding; you have to work every day

There's no finish line in show business. There's no place you ever get to where you're like, 'I don't have to do shit. They're going to bring it to me now.' Unless you are one of 10 A-listers. The rest of us got to work and the rest of us got to grind.

Locking a tennis player in a ball closet for hours is great coaching

[David Ferrer's coach] locked him in a completely dark two meter by two meter ball closet for several hours, giving him only a piece of bread and a bit of water... That's great coaching. That's a football guy in a tennis guy's body.

Australia does not exist

Australia doesn't exist. Australia is not a real place... Australia was invented by the British because it was like a penal colony... airline pilots are all in on it, too... when you fly people on vacation to Australia, you just take them down to Chile, and they never know the difference.

A man is delusional if he thinks he can wipe after pooping with only two squares of toilet paper

[A guy] is delusional if he thinks that two squares [of toilet paper] gets the job [done]. He's walking around with a dirty butt, or he's just a psycho.

Jimmy Pitaro will eventually go to Mike Golic with his hat in his hand for a Mike and Mike reunion

There's going to be a Mike and Mike reunion. It's going to happen. Jimmy [Pitaro] is going to go to Mike Golic with his hat in his hand and say, Mike, we screwed up.

A Mike and Mike reboot would be worth signing a new contract with ESPN for

I will sign another contract with ESPN if it's to work on the reboot of Mike and Mike. There we go.

The NFL is trending toward eliminating the preseason in favor of a 19 or 20-game regular season

This is now how it chips away that we're going to maybe go no preseason 19-20 games. Regular season. McVay's doing that, too. McVay benched all his good players. So, I mean, I would be, you know, take away a couple preseason, give us a couple more regular season. I'd be okay with that. Why not? More football that way.

I will not believe Texas football is 'back' until they win a meaningful bowl game

I am firmly in the camp of I will not listen to any Texas who's back until they actually play in a meaningful bowl game... I feel like Texas every year, they're back, and they're going to go 7-5.

The Atlantic Ocean is superior to the Pacific Ocean because it's more versatile

My first is going to be the Atlantic Ocean. It's a very versatile ocean. You can go down to Florida. It's always nice. It's clear. It's blue. It's nice and warm like bathtub water. Or you can go all the way up north to, let's just say, the Cape Cod region.

Rain after a humid day is a top-tier form of water

I'm going to go with the rain to break a super, super humid day. That quick rain. Then the water comes down, and then it's nice. It doesn't stay wet for very long. When it's super, super hot out, and then it rains, and then it feels like 20 degrees cooler, and it's awesome.

The 'Pacific Ocean' is superior to the 'Atlantic Ocean' because it is twice the size

My number two, Pacific Ocean. Pacific Ocean, twice the size of the Atlantic Ocean. Has, like, Hawaii, all that cool shit. You could be a cool Cali teen in the Pacific Ocean.

Drinking from a garden hose on a hot day makes you feel like more of a man

I'll go with a hose water on a hot summer day. That's a great water. Whatever you're doing, you get that hose water, you feel like a man, too, drinking. Like, hey, guess what? I'll go straight to the source. I don't need a cup. It looks badass, too.

My career as a safety warrants a Pro Football Hall of Fame induction

I really believe that the way I played warrants me being in there... I tell you, and that's my true feelings that I'm humbled every time. But I do want in that thing.

The 'Green Zone' on-field graphic will save the NFL's TV ratings

Breaking moves. I think the NFL has figured out how to save their ratings in their league. The green zone. It's a new feature they rolled out tonight. It's on third downs. It shows you how far players will have to go at any point during the play to get a first down.

NFL ratings will be insane this season despite hater predictions

All you fucking haters out there who say the NFL... Guess what? The NFL's back, and there's a shitload of us watching it. We love it... Ratings are going to be insane.

Trevor Bauer is the dumbest player in baseball because he got lead poisoning from snorting fighting necklaces

What it basically amounts to is Trevor Bauer is the dumbest player in Major League Baseball, possibly sports. Trevor Bauer got spooked by a fake tweet in 2011 that Obama was going to take his fighting necklaces and confiscate them. So he snorted them and then got lead poisoning, and now he's the dumbest player in baseball.

Urban Meyer's claim of 'memory issues' is just a cover for knowing about the Zach Smith situation

Urban Meyer didn't go to OSU to play reporting requirements. He has had significant memory issues when it comes to subjects that he was very familiar – he forgets stuff that will get him in trouble. It's a curse.

Urban Meyer knew much more about the Zach Smith situation than the investigation report found

Saying Urban Meyer probably knew a lot more than this report has found... He probably remembers everything. And guess what? He's still coaching Ohio State, so he'll probably win a shitload of games. If your coach is good enough, they'll do the reverse engineering where instead of being like, let's find the facts, we'll be like, let's find the facts to make sure he stays as coach.

The Artie Lange incident is the reason we have the relationship with Joe Buck that we have today

If it wasn't for that Artie Lange show, I don't think that we would have the conversations that we have with Joe Buck.

Brett Favre and Chad Ochocinco were the real reasons 'Joe Buck Live' was a disaster because they were such bores

Now look, the real culprits to me are fucking Chad Ochocinco and Brett Favre. They were the first 45 minutes of an hour show... and they were bores. They're typical like Dennis Rodman type stuff where they think just because they have orange hair... they could sit there and they're young Albert Brooks on a talk show. They're just boring people.

In hindsight, 'Joe Buck Live' was not a good match for the highbrow DNA of HBO Sports

I think now looking back – it was probably not a good match. I think they hold HBO Sports up... as kind of this cherished thing... journalistically sound... and I just never wanted to kind of do that. I also wanted to have fun. I'm the last guy to take myself seriously.

Artie Lange is a sweet guy, but he is also deeply flawed and sad

Artie's a sweet guy. He's a sweet, really flawed, kind of sad guy. And I say that in the best sense because I just root for the guy because he really is genuinely nice.

HBO was hypocritical for policing Artie Lange's content while airing shows like 'Real Sex'

You can't be on HBO and go, well, this is just way too much when you've got like Pornucopia that's on after that. Real Sex, which is, you know, that's about as far as you're going to go on normal cable. Taxi Cab Confessions. We could go on.

I was doomed to lose any verbal battle against Artie Lange, so I chose to just sit there and take it

If I want to jump down in there with him... First of all, I'm going to lose the battle because it's Artie Lange. I mean, if I start sparring with him verbally, I'm dead. ... I opted to for the most part sit there and take it.

Sitting on stage with Artie Lange felt like being a member of Billy Bob Thornton's band

I remember thinking, oh, this is what it feels like to be in [Billy Bob] Thornton's band. Just because I remember about that same month, I think, there was this viral clip of Billy Bob Thornton on a radio show talking about his music... and his bandmates just kind of sitting there and not really saying much and kind of taking it all in.

The Artie Lange incident on 'Joe Buck Live' was great television

I remember having this thought early on as it was kind of happening thinking, oh wow, you know this is, makes for a great television.

I threatened to quit my HBO show if they didn't let Artie Lange return for the second episode

I said, I'm either going to have Artie on the show for the second one, or I'm not going to do the show. And I quit. I said, not that this is me walking out of the presidency of the United States... But I said, I'm employed at Fox. I'm doing the World Series and the Super Bowl. You don't know me... But if you think I can't laugh at this... I am not going to go out there and act like it didn't happen.

Athletes are inherently difficult to get good interviews out of

Athletes are tough to get a good interview out of. So I don't think it was my fault, but I think Joe got fucked too.

The quarterly schedule of 'Joe Buck Live' made it impossible to get comfortable or find a rhythm for the show

Frustrating... is that I only got three cracks at it, and they were three months apart. ... You do one, and then three months later you do another. It's really hard to kind of get your comfort, and you can't really be yourself.

I didn't think a lot of the material Artie Lange used on 'Joe Buck Live' was actually that funny

I didn't think a lot of the stuff he said was really that funny, but I could be wrong. ... The jizz you shot on it [quote from Artie]. Did that really happen? I swear to God, on my children, I don't remember that.

Joe Buck wasn't yet comfortable enough in his own skin in 2009 to handle the Artie Lange situation effectively

I think the premise or the reason that you were attracted to do that show was because you wanted to show people a different side of you, that you weren't that stuffy guy, that you had humor. But I don't think it was all the way there yet.

I would handle the Artie Lange incident much better and more authentically today

If you saw Joe Buck 2018 in that same spot, I think I would have rolled with the punches maybe a little bit better on air. I think I would have been different. I think I would have been better with it, and I would have been more equipped... having gone through this vocal thing that I went through, kind of not really caring anymore what people think... I would have handled the moment probably better.

Joe Buck is a much better broadcaster now because he became more open after his vocal cord issues

I think he's looser and funnier. ... when you start to just say, Oh God, I'm just going to tell you what's been going on... there's a, you feel freer. And when you're freer, you're kind of, you're just, you're a bit more approachable.

I have unfinished business with hosting a talk show and would do it again

Yeah, I feel like it's unfinished business. I haven't failed at a lot of stuff in my life... but that was like, man, that really left me disappointed in the result, maybe in myself, in the circumstances. Yeah, I'd like to do it. I had a show and a pilot I did with Rudd and with David Spade and with Molly Shannon for a late-night Fox show that never saw the light of day that I'm really proud of.

The championship window for this Nationals group is closed

I think the window we're talking championship window. It's probably closed on the [Nationals] for this group. ... the Nats are dead. They're done. Put a stake in them. Probably should have traded Bryce Harper.

Bryce Harper will be in pinstripes next year

Yeah, there's nothing you can do. So [Bryce Harper] will be in pinstripes next year. Whichever pinstripes, we don't know. Could be Phillies pinstripes.

Nicki Minaj is rattled and taking a backseat to Cardi B

She's just very rattled. And it's clear that Cardi B's album did better than hers. Cardi B was better at the VMAs. It's just clear that Nicki Minaj is taking a backseat, and she's not happy.

The tires on Post Malone's plane looked fine despite the emergency landing reporting

Are we staying woke on that, guys? ... a lot of people were saying, like, those tires look fine to me when the plane landed. ... those tires – They didn't look bad to me. That's all I'm going to say.

Joe Flacco still has the best-looking spiral in the NFL

I think [Joe Flacco] still has number one most fuckable spiral in the NFL. ... Brady Quinn in college, Joe Flacco in the NFL. ... I threw a spiral on Monday Night Football, and it was like, yup, Joe Flacco.

Paxton Lynch's days in the NFL are numbered

My hot seat is Paxton Lynch. I think I'm just going to put him on my hot seat until he's out of the NFL ... Paxton Lynch, your days are numbered, bucko.

An African buffalo is a top-tier animal choice for a fight and can beat multiple lions

I'll go with the African buffalo... they're diesel. They're like basically like rhino buffaloes. They kill lions. They just fuck everything up in Africa by themselves. ... The African buffalo fucks up like multiple lions.

A King Cobra bite would kill an adult male African buffalo

One half of a king cobra bite would kill an adult male African buffalo. ... The fucking African buffalo cannot ... I'm actually looking it up right now. I just Googled it.

I am a better athlete now at 34 than I was at 22

I think just to the naked eye, it's not visible that I'm a better athlete, but I am a better athlete, even at my age than I was at 22. ... at 34, like, I feel like I move as well or better than I did at 27. I just can't leap like I used to.