Takes

College referees are not good and officiating in college ruins the game

College refs ... are god-awful. They're not good in any sort of definition of the word. They're just bad referees. ... they sit a guy down and you get two fouls in five minutes and you basically don't play until the second half. And it ruins the whole game.

Kevin Durant joining the Warriors was a great decision for player autonomy

I like seeing a player ultimately do what he wants to do, what's going to make him happy, even if he pisses a bunch of people off. ... to just take a pay cut to take a pay cut makes zero sense. And no one in any other industry does that.

Joel Embiid and Ben Simmons will be first-team All-NBA players in five years

In five years when I'm done playing, those guys are first team, all NBA players, you know? ... Joe, as good as he is and Ben is as good as he is, are still going to be so much better.

Coach K's greatest strength is his adaptability rather than a fixed system

I think [Coach K's] greatest strength ... is his adaptability. Coach K doesn't have a system. He's never had a system. ... he coaches every team differently. He coaches every player differently.

John Gruden and the Raiders should have an old-school stadium jail and courthouse in Las Vegas

The new stadium in Las Vegas is going to have a jail and a courthouse in the stadium, a la the old Vet in Philly. ... It's a great time machine back to the days when fans were really fans. ... John Gruden should have a gun and a badge on the sidelines.

It is way too soon for Baker Mayfield to be doing underwear commercials

I think this is way too soon for Baker Mayfield. ... I actually think he's going to be a good quarterback, but it's still the Browns. You still have to win a couple games. Otherwise, this all is going to look ridiculous.

I'm leaning into my own stupidity and picking the Browns to win the AFC North

I'm just going to lean into my own stupidity and say I think the Browns are going to win the division. I'm with Hank now. ... 80% of the bets coming in are on the Browns to win that division.

The NFL is dead because of the new preseason penalty rules

Today is Monday, August 20th, and the NFL's dead. Yeah, it's absolutely, there's no reason to watch the games this year, because everything's a flag. Yep, preseason football has shown us. We're not overreacting, guys. I saw a couple clips on Twitter. It's over.

NFL referees should have a finite amount of flags to throw per game

How about the refs get a certain amount of flags? So there's a finite amount of flags that they can throw. So they each get like five flags. And once they're out, it's just – and you know it. The players know like, okay, that ref has thrown – let's say the guy who's reffing the secondary has thrown all five of his flags in the fourth quarter. Just fucking do whatever you want because you can't throw anything.

The NFL will eventually call significantly fewer of these new preseason penalties once the regular season starts

I actually think the NFL is going to figure it out. I'm no longer in the hysteria camp. ... They're setting the tone. And once the season starts, they're going to probably call significantly less of these penalties. And I just can't imagine the NFL being like that one penalty that we're talking about, the Vikings sack. Like that can't be called. They won't do it.

Betting the over early in the NFL season is a smart move due to the high volume of penalties

What do you think about betting a lot of overs early in the season? ... I talked myself into that big time last night.

Teddy Bridgewater is not a better quarterback than Blake Bortles

Can I just say fuck everyone for thinking that Teddy Bridgewater is better than Blake Bortles? ... Blake had a bad wrist last year, and he got it cleaned up. And he was a quarter away from the Super Bowl, so everyone just shut up.

Dak Prescott stinks out loud

Oh, Dak Prescott stinks. He stinks out loud. ... August 20th, and the Dallas Cowboys are dead. Dead. Dead on arrival. Sorry, Jerry.

Nick Saban stays on top because he has a factory where he personally shits out new players

I think Nick Saban personally shits players out. Because he chews them out in practice, and then he digests them for a while, and he takes a crap, and boom, I got a linebacker. ... I'd be like, yes, Nick Saban has a factory where he shits players out.

Roadhouse is the most badass movie of all time and is the opposite of a nerd movie

It's literally like the most badass movie of all time. It is the opposite of a nerd movie. Hey, Hank, I fuck guys like you. I fuck guys like you in jail. That's a Roadhouse quote. Think about that. Put that in your head.

The current Dodgers have the best team in baseball and should be back in the World Series

I think that our team, our team should be in the World Series again because we have the best team today. And they're going to show now that the time has come where we really have to go.

I never liked the Phillie Phanatic

I didn't like that mascot. I never liked the Philly [Phanatic]. ... I walked in the clubhouse and he's sitting there signing the baseballs. I got him and he said, 'what the hell are you doing here?' ... I said, 'out! Don't you sign another baseball. These guys don't want to see your name on the ball.' ... I had problems with that guy.

Ted Williams is the greatest hitter in baseball history

Who's the best hitter you've ever seen in your life? Ted Williams. ... This guy could hit like nobody I've ever seen. I'm telling you, he was amazing.

No baseball player will ever hit .400 again unless they cheat

Do you think anybody's going to hit 400 again? No. No. Only way they'll hit 400 is a cheat. ... Nobody hit 400.

I love to fight and I would have kicked Kurt Bevacqua's ass if he actually came out of the clubhouse

You're goddamn right I like to fight. ... Come on out, I want to talk to you. And be ready, because I'm going to kick your ass. And [Kurt Bevacqua] wouldn't come out. He would not come out because I'd have laid him out, boy.

Modern baseball players are too distracted by video games like Fortnite

Yeah, they're playing their Fortnite and video games. ... That's what's happening to the players today. They're too much involved with the games.

The Eagles will miss the playoffs because Nick Foles and Carson Wentz are both injured

So when I'm doing the math, I think the Eagles just have two hurt quarterbacks for the entire year, and they're going to miss the playoffs. Hot take.

Nick Foles should get surgery on his shoulder immediately to preserve his value as a Super Bowl champion before he has a chance to play poorly

If I'm Nick Foles, I get surgery immediately on it. And that way, the last thing in people's mind is this guy is a Super Bowl champion. The last game he played, they won the Super Bowl, and then he's going to get $50 million guaranteed.

Major League Baseball should have teams play on a Little League field for one night

I don't understand why Major League Baseball, to capture the imagination of America for one night – doesn't have the MLB teams play on a Little League field. ... The infield will make regulation. The fence will be 200 feet. ... tell me that wouldn't be the greatest thing ever.

Millennials are killing breasts because they are desensitized by the internet

Millennials are killing boobs. So boobs are on the hot seat. ... Hooters is going through some down times. ... It's actually just because millennials aren't going to the restaurants anymore because they don't like boobs. ... By the time you're 18, you're like a seasoned veteran.

Putting the third announcer on a field-level cart for MNF is a mistake

When you put a guy, a third guy, not in the booth, in some fucking weird contraption on the field, it will always feel like he's butting into the conversation and doesn't know really when to talk.

The new Monday Night Football booth is an 'F' without Joe Tessitore

Without Joe Tessitore, it's an F.

Marcus Mariota or Jameis Winston will officially be labeled a bust this year

One of those two guys [Mariota or Winston] is going to suck again and we go bust, bust, bust.

Jared Goff is a front runner for the 2018 NFL MVP

Jared, a lot of people are saying MVP candidate this year. I'm putting it out there right now. I think I said front runner MVP for 2018, right?

Jalen Ramsey will have a major, high-profile mistake this season due to 'karma'

I'm saying Jalen Ramsey is going to have a big fuck up in a big game this year. And people are going to have a roast show on Twitter.

Dwight Schrute is a sidekick to Michael Scott

I'm going to go with George Costanza and Dwight Schrute. Those are my second and third picks [for Mount Rushmore of Sidekicks]. [Dwight] was to Michael.

A-Rod is an all-time sidekick because he agreed to move to third base for Derek Jeter

My next one is going to be A-Rod. Move to third base. Before he ever won anything.

Jared Goff has mastered the Rams system and can now create off-schedule plays

I think with Jared, you know, you see why he's the number one overall pick. He can make all the throws. He can change the launch point. He can create off schedule... being in the system for a second year... [he's] become more of a master of it.

The Rams will make the Super Bowl this season

[Are you guys going to the Super Bowl this year?] Man, we better. We've got a good team. We've got good pieces in place.

Mitchell Trubisky is going to have a great year for the Bears

As far as Mitchell [Trubisky] goes, I think he's going to have a great year.

California teenagers are intimidating because they experience life differently and lose their virginity early

Because California kids... They just experience life differently. Everything is relaxed. They probably have sex when they're like 12... They lose [their] virginity early. They smoke weed. They hang 10... when you come here and you see all these teenagers, you're like, these guys are just going to roast me.

I am not a fan of Europe and didn't enjoy staying in London

I don't love staying in London. The city of London is great. We stayed like an hour outside of London. Food is not great. And there's not really much to do. And I just don't, I'm just not a huge fan of Europe.

The 2018 Cal Golden Bears football team will be good

How's Cal going to be this year? Good, right? I thought they were going to be good this year.

It's a sad day when Roethlisberger, Rivers, and Eli Manning retire

I'm going to really be disappointed when Big Ben retires. He's one of those guys, I don't want to get doom and gloom here, but Big Ben, Rivers, Eli Manning, all these guys retiring is going to be so sad.

If Ben Roethlisberger puts his walking boot on, it will actually help his head injury heal

I know this medically makes no sense, but I really do think that if Big Ben hurts his head, if he put on his walking boot, he will be better. [It's a] placebo effect.

The West Coast weather is basically a performance-enhancing drug for high school athletes

The weather is very, very nice. It's like a PED almost for high school kids... You're going to be better at sports if they cared at sports... you can play basketball like 24 hours a day, probably like 11 months out of the year.

Duke basketball is entering a major championship window because of Zion Williamson

My cool throne is Duke basketball. So they're back. Zion Williamson, my guy. 6'10", 320 pounds... Dunked from the free throw line. Kyrie, Jason Tatum about to take over for the Celtics. So it's going to be a big, big window for Duke basketball.

Case Keenum is officially on 'Swag Watch' because Swag Kelly is nipping at his heels

My hot seat is Case Keenum because we are on Swag Watch 2018. Swag Kelly is now the second-string quarterback for the Denver Broncos, nipping at Case's heels, and he's looking pretty good doing it.

Paxton Lynch is the worst draft pick of all time

Paxton Lynch is going to totally get off the hook here. People will just forget he existed, but I will not let him off the hook because... Paxton Lynch stinks, and he's going to probably end up making whatever it was, $15 million for being a first-round pick. That guy needs to be like – someone needs to write a book. Paxton Lynch stinks.

Swag Kelly is the most talented quarterback on the Denver Broncos roster

Billy Football first reported that [Swag Kelly] is the most talented quarterback on that roster. Yes. And I love kind of the wildcard-ness that Swag brings. His name's Swag Kelly. He is the epitome of a wildcard.

Dwight Howard's plan to evolve into Kevin Durant and take jumpers will be a disaster

First one is the entire NBA because Dwight Howard, his trainer, has said that Dwight Howard wants to evolve into Anthony Davis, into Kevin Durant, but his own version of that... So Dwight Howard is going to start taking jumpers, which is going to be hilarious. It's going to be fun watching him try to shoot and take shots from John Wall and Bradley Beal.

Major League Baseball umpires are on the hot seat and we need electronic strike zones

My other hot seat is umps. So Ben Zobrist got tossed in the Cubs-Brewers game today, and on the way out, he said to umpire Phil Cuzzi... That's why we want electronic strike zones. And I think this is going to be the moment where we get this debate going again, and umps are now going to be on the hot seat because they fuck up a couple times a year, like, egregiously.

An indoor full-court basketball court is the best amenity a sports fan can have in their home

Basically full court indoor basketball trumps all. [I'd take that over] a putting green in your backyard or a half court in your house. [It's better than] two lanes of a bowling alley in your house.

The Wendy's Spicy Chicken Sandwich is the 'Granddaddy of them all' for chicken sandwiches

I'm going to go with a spicy chicken sandwich at Wendy's. I actually had this listed before Chick-fil-A on my big board. So it's a good value pick for me. I think it's kind of the granddaddy of them all as far as chicken sandwiches go.

McDonald's fries are the best fast food item

And then for my last pick, McDonald's fries. Can't believe I got that one in the fourth round. I know. I know.