Takes

Chevy Chase ruined the reputation of comedy sets for everyone

I think comedy shows have that reputation [of being competitive or mean] because of Saturday Night Live. Chevy Chase ruined it for everyone. Chevy Chase was such a colossal dickhead. He ruined everything. Everything since then, everyone's like, oh, you have to be a dickhead to be in this show business.

Bob Wiley will be the breakout star of Hard Knocks with the Browns

If I had to guess, [Bob Wiley] is the guy, in my opinion, that's the most interesting. He's the most funny, gregarious. He's the most seasoned coach on that staff. He kind of looks a little bit like a walrus. And he's just the nicest guy with the most funny jokes. I think people are going to fall in love with him.

Hue Jackson will be the face of Hard Knocks because players love him and he has a boatload of personality

I think outside of Bob Wiley, I think Hue Jackson will probably be that next guy that becomes the face of the Browns Hard Knocks because he's got a lot of personality. He loves talking off the cuff. He's very passionate. He really loves his players, and he shows it. Players love him.

Not having a stripe on your helmet is a tactical advantage for players during film review

Not having a stripe on your helmet is really to the player's advantage when they're watching film because the coach really has a hard time deciphering where he's looking and if his eyes are in the wrong place. You can tell when you have a stripe, but without a stripe, he can get away with murder.

Players are more ashamed and embarrassed to admit high signing bonuses than low ones in front of the team

The one that I loved the most that was the most humiliating... was when you make [rookies] stand up there and they have to tell you what their signing bonus was... you get like the first round guys like Baker [Mayfield] who's going to go up there and say, you know, 'got a 40 million dollar contract' or something. They're really embarrassed and ashamed because it's the first time in their life that they've made money playing football that they're allowed to admit to.

No ugly quarterback has ever won a Super Bowl

I was on the radio with recurring guest Fred Smoot today... we were talking about who's going to win the MVP this year, and [Smoot] came out with an awesome take. He said that no ugly quarterback has ever won a Super Bowl.

Tom Brady won his first three Super Bowls before his 'glow-up' when he wasn't that hot

Even Tom Brady won the majority of his Super Bowls before the glow-up. He won three Super Bowls before he had the glow-up. [Brady] definitely looks a lot different than he did. He's gotten hotter with age.

Birthdays officially start to suck at age 26

At what age do birthdays just start to suck? Oh, I'd say 26. Everything from there is downhill.

Ray Lewis' Hall of Fame speech was the most ridiculous ever while being exactly what we expected

Ray Lewis just now finished his Hall of Fame speech, which was the most ridiculous Hall of Fame speech while also being exactly what we all expected from Ray Lewis. I actually was getting upset, but I couldn't stop watching because it was so ridiculous.

Nick Saban and Bob Stoops are the ultimate football guys for ignoring a robbery while drawing up plays

They're so invested in making their points that they don't notice when a man walks into the bar with a shotgun and robs the place. So they were out having drinks, diagramming football plays, and they were completely oblivious to a dude robbing the bar with a gun. That is an ultimate football guy story.

Urban Meyer's defense in the Zach Smith scandal is just 'passing the buck' to Gene Smith

Urban Meyer has figured out his defense, and it is kind of what we all expected. He released a statement... and he basically went with the, I have always followed proper reporting protocols... Gene Smith, you are pretty much fucked and Urban Meyer's just gonna say yeah he told everyone and it's your fault for not doing anything.

Johnny Manziel's four-interception CFL debut is actually a decent start because he's essentially playing a different sport

I think that's almost like a good start for him because he's basically playing a totally different role. It's like a baseball player playing cricket. You forget that there's only three downs and they're punting. People are running everywhere.

Pretending a player returning from injury is a 'free agent signing' is the ultimate sports radio caller move

It's my favorite sports radio caller when a guy comes back from injury and they're like, 'well, we don't have to do anything in the free agent signings because we basically get the best free agent back.' That's essentially what's happening with Blake Bortles.

The Montgomery Biscuits is a top-tier minor league team name

I got to go Montgomery Biscuits. The best part about it is the tongue is a pat of butter.

Rookie of the Year is the best baseball movie

Best baseball movie... I'm actually going to go Rookie of the Year number one... Because it's the Cubs.

Sam Darnold is likely going to be the Jets' Week 1 starter

You think Darnold's going to start week one? It seems to be that way. I do follow the Jets on Twitter, and they seem to be really posting a lot about Mr. Darnold there. They seem to be really pushing for him there.

Below Deck is the modern-day Downton Abbey

Below Deck is great because it's young people. It's almost like Downton Abbey... It's the modern day Downton Abbey because it's the people who live downstairs serving the people who live upstairs.

The NFL's new helmet rule is just a safeguard against future lawsuits

The rule was put in just as a safeguard against lawsuits, just so they could say we're trying to make it safer. And then now you can't sue us anymore because we care about player safety.

I use a terrible fantasy football strategy of overpaying for two middle-tier running backs

I have a terrible system that I use in auction drafting strategies that has not worked at all, but I still do it. I pay, because I'm an older school guy, I pay for two top 10-ish, like 10th and 11-ish running backs. That's where I spend the bulk of my money. So I'll probably go Saquon [Barkley] and I'll probably go [Leonard] Fournette.

Jerry O'Connell is the worst fantasy football player of all time for drafting only Jets and Browns players

I'm going to pick up Tyrod Taylor. So you take Jets and Browns quarterbacks. You actually are the worst fantasy player of all time... Two Browns, two Jets. You are the worst fantasy football player of all time.

Donald Trump is officially on the stance of Joe Flacco being elite — he won a Super Bowl, so he'd say he's pretty elite

Donald Trump has also weighed in on the Joe Flacco elite debate. Somebody asked him that back in 2016, and his answer was he won a Super Bowl, so I'd say he's pretty elite. So yes, Joe Flacco — [Trump] is now officially on the stance of Joe Flacco being elite.

Millennials are killing drivers by not getting enough DUIs

Technically, by not getting DUIs, millennials are actually killing more drivers. Because the roads are worse now. Because your [DUI] tickets aren't going to fund the renovations.

Chase Daniel has robbed the NFL for 10 straight years

Chase Daniel has played in the NFL for 10 fucking seasons. He has made $24 million in cash earnings. We need to bring people to realize, hey, Chase Daniel has robbed the NFL for 10 straight years. He is one and one all time. So he's played two games in 10 years. That might be the greatest snake it till you make it fact of all time.

Lamar Jackson is currently on the roster bubble as a wide receiver

My concern isn't that Lamar Jackson's the fourth string quarterback, it's that he's like the 10th or 11th string wide receiver on that team. He needs... he's on the bubble.

Urban Meyer will survive the Ohio State scandal because big-time programs protect winners

I actually think that [Urban Meyer] is going to survive it because that's how big-time football works. This guy wins a lot of football games, so we got to figure out a way to keep him. I think he'll still survive it. I think he'll get a four-game suspension right before Big Ten season.

Urban Meyer will eventually coach at Notre Dame

I think he's going to resurface in a few years at Notre Dame. If there's any organization that has a history of overlooking some of their leaders' past discrepancies, it's the Catholic Church. So I could see him joining up with Touchdown Jesus.

I'm never going to retire from the NBA

I'm not retired, man. I'm never going to retire from the NBA. Just leave that there.

I would have been one of the greatest cornerbacks in NFL history

I'm not going to say Deion because Deion was such a great coach, but I would have been somewhere underneath primetime. I would have been right there at the primetime and playing the way that I play. I see myself as being one of the greatest corners to ever play the game.

I consider myself one of the greatest bench players in basketball history

I just knew that, all right, Nate, you're never going to be able to start. You're not going to be a starting point guard in this league, but we're going to make the best of it, and you're going to be one of the best players that ever come off the bench. And I think I did that, and I consider myself one of the greatest players that ever come off the bench to play the game of basketball.

If coaches had let me be myself, I could have scored 20+ points in a single quarter every night

I jokingly tell them, I was like, I can do that [score 23 straight points] every night if you give me the opportunity. This is not just something that just happens. Like, I can score like this and play this way if you guys really believe and let me be myself.

Nobody in the NBA could have stopped me on the night I dropped 45 points on Steve Blake

I would say my career high against Steve Blake. Steve Blake, I think that I had my career high at 45. I don't think nobody could have held me that night.

Mark Zuckerberg is an unlikable robot with a shitty haircut

I don't know why that guy, [Zuckerberg], he has such an unlikable face. He walks on stage already bombing. It's like the guy before him killed and then the second they just, I don't know if it's the guy's face, his posture, his energy, it's just everybody would hate him. He's a robot. He's got those big pupils that just look like nothing but just black in those eyes. Wrong haircut.

St. Louis Cardinals fans are the most knowledgeable fans in baseball

Best baseball fans, probably knowledgeable and also cool to their team, like forgiving and they weren't assholes, were St. Louis Cardinals fans. They know the game. They know shit like you don't make the first or the third out at third base. They support players that are in a slump. They don't do like that stupid Yankee thing where they boo Derek Jeter.

New York sports outside of the Yankees and Giants is a total shit show

New York sports is basically the Yankees, with the Giants with an honorable mention. If you look at the rest of them, it is a fucking shit show. The Knicks, the Nets, the Rangers, the Mets, the Jets. I mean, it's just everybody. It's like if you combined all those years, how long it's been with all of those teams just not winning championships.

Michael Vick was the greatest player I have ever seen live

Best player I ever saw live was Michael Vick before all the dog stuff... When Michael Vick was allowed to be Michael Vick, there was no better Michael Vick.

The new NFL helmet tackling rule is going to kill football

The new helmet rule, the tackling helmet rule, is going to kill football... it's essentially every single hit in the NFL you can be like, is there going to be a flag? There should be a flag every single tackle.

The Nationals should have traded Bryce Harper at the 2018 MLB trade deadline.

As one who possesses Natitude, I think [the Nationals] probably should have traded him. My guess is they just got a bunch of shitty offers for him because he sucks this year.

LeBron James will never speak to Tristan Thompson again following the Draymond Green club fight.

LeBron then left the club right after because he was sick of the shit. And that leads me to the question, do you think LeBron James will ever speak to Tristan Thompson again in his life? He's a fake friend. You don't leave your friend behind like that. He's never going to converse with him again. That was it.

Roger Goodell should revoke David Tepper's ownership if he removes the NFL shield from the 50-yard line.

[David Tepper] is thinking about changing the midfield logo to a Panther. This would be the Panthers spitting in the face of Roger Goodell. I think Roger Goodell should think about revoking his charter as an owner.

You should never eat chicken because it is a 'nervous bird.'

Harbaugh pulled Wilton Speight aside and told him not to eat chicken, a protein that is considered fairly safe by nutritionists. When Speight asked why, Harbaugh said, 'Because it's a nervous bird.' He thinks some type of sickness injected its way into the human population when people began eating white meats instead of beef and pork. And I believe it 100%.

The Seattle Seahawks will finish the 2018 season with a 5-11 record.

When I tally it up, I look back at it and I go, how the heck did I get the Seahawks at 5-11? Because I didn't think they would be that bad either. But then I went back and looked at it. Their schedule is brutal. I mean, it is really, really tough. And I think those defensive losses are going to be felt.

Russell Wilson is a very good quarterback, but he is not great.

For years, everybody thinks I'm a Russell Wilson hater. I just think he's very good and he's not great. People want to put him in the Hall of Fame. Well, now we're going to find out. I don't think the defense is going to be nearly as good... it's his team now. He needs to be great.

Seahawks running back Chris Carson will rush for 1,200 yards this season.

Carson is coming back this year. He broke his leg last year. That guy is going to be an awesome running back. I'm standing on the table officially right now for Chris Carson. You heard it here first. That guy is going to run for like 1,200 yards.

The smartest strategy for a team is to draft a top running back, run them into the ground, and let them walk at age 27.

I actually think that it's a smart strategy to draft a running back and then basically you control them through their best years and you never have to pay them in the free agency market. You draft Ezekiel Elliott, you run him to the ground, and then when you franchise tag him... you let him walk.

Kirk Cousins is going to suck for the Vikings this year.

Kirk Cousins is going to suck this year. The answer is no [on whether he is good enough to get them past where they went a year ago].

Matt Ryan is a better quarterback than Matthew Stafford, Russell Wilson, Andrew Luck, and Blake Bortles.

[Ranking Matt Ryan, Matthew Stafford, Blake Bortles, Andrew Luck, and Russell Wilson] I'll go Matt Ryan, [then] Matthew Stafford, Russell Wilson. [Andrew Luck] will be four, and then [Blake] Bortles will be five.

The Green Bay Packers will face the Jacksonville Jaguars in Super Bowl LIII.

I had in my predictions the Super Bowl as Packers versus Jaguars. I think the Patriots are going to be... as long as Belichick and Brady are there, they're going to be fine. It's just that I don't think they're going to the Super Bowl. I think Jacksonville's legit.

Drew Brees is just a 'dinker and a dunker' now.

Brees still, huh? Really? But all he does is he dinks and dunks. He's a dinker. He's a dunker. No, all he does is, like, oh, I got Kamara. I'm just going to give him the ball and let him run with it. That's what Drew Brees does.

Sam Darnold will be the first rookie quarterback to start a game in the 2018 season.

Who's going to be the first rookie quarterback to start a game? Darnold. I think Darnold's going to start sooner rather than later.

Josh Allen is going to be a big-time NFL quarterback despite his college stats.

Josh Allen's going to be a good quarterback, though, but I can't figure out for the life of me why that kid takes as much abuse as he does. Okay, his stats weren't good at Wyoming, but if you watch the tape, he was playing with bouncers and bartenders... he is going—it might take him a little seasoning—but he's going to be a big-time quarterback.