Takes

Tony Romo was surprisingly good in his first year as an announcer

I swear to God on the lives of everyone I love, I was absolutely blown away at how good [Tony Romo] was. I really was. I was predicting he was going to have a tough transition because you have to be loud and you have to be kind of over the top... I thought he was fantastic.

NFL replays are too long and break the game's momentum

I think the replays are too long. It's too hair-splitting. It breaks up the momentum and the pace of a game. And I think eventually people are like... Just move on.

The NFL catch rule fails the eye test even if the letter of the law is technically followed

The Calvin Johnson one that kind of started all this... Against the Bears was like he made a catch, went to the ground, basically went to his locker, and the ball fell out. And they're like, nope, not a catch. It was a catch. Same with the Dez Bryant game... by the letter of the law, yeah, they're not catches. But the law is not right. It doesn't pass the eye test.

U.S. Bank Stadium in Minneapolis is the best new stadium ever

That stadium [U.S. Bank Stadium] is hands down the best new stadium ever. And for the sight lines from a broadcaster's perspective, that thing was like in my lap.

Oracle Park in San Francisco is leaps and bounds better than any other new ballpark

I think San Francisco, of all the new ballparks, is... Leaps and bounds. But the worse your seat is, the better your view. You're looking out into the bay.

Tiger Woods is not 'back' yet

[Do you think Tiger Woods is back?] No. ... If he's in it, I'm watching. ... And yes, my God, please come back and be great. That would be awesome.

Peyton Manning will be a great broadcaster if he chooses to do it

I would love to see Peyton Manning broadcast games. ... I think he'll be really good. I don't know.

My people are saying Bryce Harper will sign with either the Red Sox or the Cubs

My people are saying... That he [Bryce Harper] is going to go to the Boston Red Sox. Or Wrigley. Yeah, my people are saying he's going to the Cubs. ... I'd like it on the crawl that I've reported. ... likely the Cubs or the Red Sox.

Canelo Alvarez eating steroid-tainted meat is a genius PR move to cover up doping

Canelo Alvarez, who tested positive for steroids. And he said it was actually because he was eating too many Mexican cows. ... I actually think this played. ... That's actually a smart thing to do is you just go in the off season, eat Mexican cows, and then when you get busted, be like, well, sorry. All I did was eat Mexican cows.

Bullpen carts are the only thing baseball is currently doing right

The bullpen cart is back, which is incredible. Like baseball finally doing something right. I don't care about pace of play. I really don't. ... It speeds up the game when it really probably takes four seconds off, maybe.

Morning sex is the best kind of sex, especially in a hotel

I'm going to go on the record. Morning sex is the best sex there is. Hotel sex. In the morning. Ooh. Double threat.

Men and women should never stop grooming their pubic hair

What is the age where it is normal that you stop shaving or waxing your pubes? ... Never is the answer. ... I think you always ... Guys and girls. You got to keep it together down there. I mean, would you let your lawn just go unkempt?

October is the best sports month, but March is a close second

I think October is probably my favorite month in terms of sports because you have football and baseball playoffs. But March is pretty close because there is nothing like wall-to-wall college basketball and championship week.

Championship week is better than the NCAA Tournament

Hot take championship week might be better than the tournament. Because you actually know the teams, unlike in the March Madness, when you're like, I don't know how these teams are going to match up.

Tom Izzo is on the hot seat if Michigan State doesn't reach the Sweet 16

Final Four or bust, is Tom Izzo on the hot seat? You've got to say, if he gets bounced before the Sweet 16, he's on that hot seat.

Sean Miller is very close to owning ESPN after their reporting on him

How close is Sean Miller to owning ESPN? Very close, it sounds like. He's got the keys. He's got a swipe card to the Bristol cafeteria. He's deciding whether to just eat it all or maybe save a little for Bill Polian, who still thinks everything's free.

You should schedule a vasectomy for the first weekend of the NCAA Tournament so you have an excuse to watch basketball for two days

All the guys know if you need to get your balls cut off, you got to do it that first weekend so you have permission to sit on the couch and watch college basketball for two days nonstop. Yes, you got the frozen peas on your balls.

Scouts will reasonably drop Shaquem Griffin in the draft because he only has one hand

I can't wait for people to get mad when he falls in the draft a little bit. Look, I think he's a good player, and he did well at the Combine, but he does not have one hand. So, like, I think... That's a fair criticism to throw out there. That doesn't mean that he's not going to be a good NFL player, but I think most scouts would probably say, I'd prefer two hands than one.

Kobe Bryant is the GOAT over LeBron and Jordan because he won an Oscar

Kobe Bryant, our supporter, just won an Oscar. MJ and LeBron trash. He's our GOAT. And this proves it. How many Oscars has LeBron and MJ won? That's right. Zero.

John Beilein is one of the best coaches in college basketball

John Beilein's an unbelievable coach. I do not root for Michigan, but John Beilein is one of the best coaches in college basketball. I'm comfortable saying that.

The Chicago Bears have the best fans in the NFL

Who has the best fans in the NFL? Chicago. That's an easy one. I'm positive.

If you don't have the quarterback position right in the NFL, you are swimming upstream

I think we all know, like in the NFL, especially now, I mean, it all starts with a quarterback and if you don't have that position right, then you're swimming upstream. So, you know, there's a good feeling in our building right now when we feel like we had that guy [Trubisky].

It is obvious that the Bears will try to acquire a wide receiver this year

Are we going to get a wide receiver this year? I mean, I don't think we're — we try not to be overly transparent, but I think that's pretty obvious. Okay. All right. Breaking news. Bears are going to try to get a wide receiver.

I believe in Bear Weather

Do you believe in bear weather? Do I believe in bear weather? Yes. I was going to say, this is an important question. Okay. You believe in bear weather. Yes.

Success for the 2018 Bears means beating the Green Bay Packers

What's success look like in 2018? Beat the Packers. There we go.

Green Bay has the worst fans in the NFL

Who are the worst fans in the NFL? Ooh, good question. Thanks. Oh, man, the worst. Man, I can't throw anybody under the bus like that. You were in New Orleans for a while, right? So just say Atlanta. Yeah, there you go. Yeah, Falcons fans. Keep the rivalry there. Can I say Green Bay? Yes, absolutely.

Josh Allen pushing the revolving door proves he is an alpha leader, while Sam Darnold is a beta

I'm going to say that it was probably Josh Allen who pushed because guess what? He's a leader. And when he sees a problem, he fixes it. So Sam Darnold, way to be a beta, bro. Hey, Sam Darnold, you're just going to let robots run your life?

Chili is not a soup

Is chowder a soup? Is chili a soup? Chili's not a soup. Chili is a chili. You eat it with a spoon, it's soupy. No, but you don't call clam chowder soup. Just trust me. Chili's not a soup. If I say that chili's a soup, do you know how many chili fans there are on the internet? They're the fucking worst.

I would punch myself in the balls 12 times to get Saquon Barkley on the Bears

I would punch myself in the balls 12 times for Saquon Barkley to magically just be on the Bears. Just magically. You just compile, you know, you trust the process, like Ryan Pace told us.

Steve from Blue's Clues has a million potential memes in his face

I'm going to call my shot here. I feel like Blue's Clues has like a million memes in it. That guy, Steve, with his fucking stupid old Navy shirt, that guy for sure has a memeable face.

Jeff Fisher and Bruce Arians not being at the Combine is a shock to the system

The only surprise that I've had is that Jeff Fisher hasn't been spotted walking around... Him and like Bruce Arians, if you had told me at the start of the week that they wouldn't be here, I would have called you a liar. They're like... You know how ducks get born in a nest and then they leave and they instinctually return?

The NFL Combine is just a giant excuse for the entire league to get drunk in Indianapolis

Well, what we realized, too, is the Combine is basically an entire fraud operation so that everyone can come to Indianapolis and get drunk. Yeah, because when you break it down, the athletes that they're scouting, they've already scouted in detail... Why are they having everyone get into underwear and run on turf in Indianapolis? Oh, it's because Indianapolis is the one city in America where every bar is connected to a hotel and has a steakhouse.

I could have beaten the Eagles in the playoffs if I were coaching the Saints

[Sean Payton] can say, though, like, I could have beat the Eagles. [PFT: And then, therefore, I would have been Super Bowl champion.] Yes, absolutely.

MLB baseballs have been juiced since the 2015 All-Star break

Nate Silver's website... Went and x-rayed baseballs from the year 2014 and 2015. And baseballs in 2015 had different cores after the All-Star break. And that's when the power surge started to happen. That carried into 2016, 2017.

Josh Allen might go number one overall because of our draftjoshallen.com campaign

I said it on Wednesday's show, but I think with what we're doing for Josh Allen, he might sneak in and get all the way up to number one. He might. Just from us.

Las Vegas hotels should build CamelBak hoses into the walls next to beds for hungover guests

Everyone's been so drunk that the next morning... you realize that you are so thirsty that you could basically drink the entire ocean... so this is more of an idea for Vegas... they need to build those camelback hoses into the wall and just so they pop out right underneath your bed. So you can just wake up, open your mouth, and then you just squeeze it.

A signature on an item technically turns it into an open-ended contract worth infinity

I have the answer for you. It's because whatever you sign, that technically becomes a contract at that point. So if I hand you a piece of paper with my signature on it, you could, after the fact, go and fill in a contract above my signature. So it's actually worth infinity.

There should be a 'Paperboy' style app where food trucks throw pre-made burgers out the window to drunk people

So my drunk idea is... You guys remember that video game Paperboy?... it's a slow creeping car that just drives up and down busy like bar streets... you hit the button and you order like a burger. They just roll down the window and toss it. They have pre-made burgers, pre-made hot dogs, pre-made pizzas, and they just throw it out the window.

High-end restaurants are doing it wrong by not having pictures of the food on the menu

What would you guys say is the one thing that tells you a restaurant is classy?... It is pictures on the menu, so you know what the food looks like. So I went to a really classy dinner last Friday, and they didn't have pictures on the menu... they need to have a picture option. So it's like a Denny's or an IHOP, but you're eating at a Michelin-rated restaurant.

Meryl Streep is the Derek Jeter of acting — she gets nominated just on name recognition alone

Is Meryl Streep the new Derek Jeter? Is Meryl Streep just getting voted into the All-Star game out of name alone?... Her range isn't what it used to be. When you lose your range, it goes quickly. And you know what? She won't change positions either.

Winston Churchill beating Hitler is essentially 'stolen valor' for an actor playing him

[Gary Oldman is Winston Churchill in Darkest Hour]... yeah, he beat Hitler. Yeah. You know what? Isn't that stolen valor, though? If you dress up like the guy that beat Hitler, you're taking credit for that.

Get Out will win Best Picture at the Oscars

I'm going to go with Get Out. [for Best Picture winner]

Dunkirk will win Best Picture because the Oscars love movies about British history

I'll go with Dunkirk because I feel like the Oscars loves picking movies there no one talks [about]. God they love picking those. I'm going Dunkirk as well.

I will win at least one Super Bowl before I retire

[Big Cat mentions Pete Prisco predicted Bortles wins one Super Bowl] Wow. Yeah. You heard it from Pete first. [Bortles agreeing with the sentiment of the conversation].

I am going into the rematch with Triple G with the mindset of knocking him out

I'm going with the same mentality as he is. I'm going in with the mentality of knocking him out. So we can only wait and see.

I clearly beat Canelo Alvarez in our first fight

You know, I was doing my job, I hit him more, and the computer showed that, and the judges showed that, so that's all I have to say.

Russell Wilson 'invented' the concept of letting time pass to cure a concussion

Russell Wilson invented just how to make time pass. He was just like, here's how you get rid of your concussion. Ready?... Drink five cups of water a day. And in six days, you're going to feel better... and in six days, I will have cured you. So water cures sunburns and concussions.

James Harden didn't just break Wesley Johnson's ankles, he snatched his soul by making the shot

It's so cocky because I think we all agree, if James Harden misses that shot... the soul-taking doesn't take place. It's just an ankle-breaking. When you make the shot, it's a soul snatch. And so James Harden was so cocky and just like, I'm just going to stand here for an extra beat.

Josh Allen will break the NFL by throwing the ball 90 yards at his pro day

Somebody on the NFL Network just said that Josh Allen is going to throw the ball 90 yards at his pro day... You know what? Is he going to break the NFL? Yeah, don't even let receivers run routes for him. Just have him stand back and just throw the ball as hard as he can like 10 or 20 times in a row.

The mainstream media is now just 'pranking' with fake reports because of us

Do you think we've ruined the media? ... Because these guys keep making mistakes left and right... They have to run with whatever they've got and then hopefully say it's just a prank. But guess what? You don't have the prank defense in your arsenal.