Takes

Josh Allen will be the number one overall pick in the 2018 NFL Draft

I think [Josh Allen] might go number one because of us. ... Four and a half million people are debating whether or not to take Josh Allen first.

Limiting pass interference penalties to 15 yards will cause receivers to be 'mugged' downfield

It's going to be like the purge for the Seahawks receivers more than 15 yards downfield. ... the NFL is going to create a new law that's going to have like a million unintended consequences to it.

The NFL should stop the clock after first downs under two minutes like college football

The only rule I really want to see in the NFL is... I want the NFL to... adopt the clock stops after a first down under two minutes like the college [rule]. Because it makes—you can come back with 45 seconds left. It's awesome to watch.

Cloning your dog is a 'spooky' mistake because the environment and soul will be different

I don't think I would clone my dog. ... You'd raise it in a different environment, so it'd be a little bit different. And then you'd look at it when it wasn't acting like your old dog and be like, 'Who are you? You aren't my dog.' There's something spooky going on here.

Kevin Love is reading The Godfather to try and bond with LeBron James

Kevin Love is reading The Godfather... He's getting on LeBron's level. They're going to have a lot to talk about. They're going to sit next to each other on plane rides and just talk about Fredo.

Kyle Schwarber is going to be a Hall of Famer

That's me with Kyle Schwarber. He's going to be a Hall of Famer. I've said it before. And this is the first step.

In comedy and audio, the 'fatter the funnier'

I say especially when it comes to comedy and audio comedy... the fatter, the funnier, the fatter, the funnier.

The NFL should allow all players to smoke marijuana

I enjoy marijuana a lot... I think it's made my life exponentially better... the NFL should let all their players smoke... because there's such a high percentage... there is actual medical relief for it. I think the NFL will get over it.

The internet is a 'hustler's paradise' for content creators

It's a hustler's paradise in the content world. And it really becomes like the forefront of your mind for everything. So it's like it never stops.

The term 'amateurism' is a made-up concept used by the NCAA to exploit athletes

Every single year, we would have the NCAA meeting... they would always use this word amateurism, the word that they created, and then they'd lock it down on it. Like... Well, you can't affect your amateurism status. Like, motherfucker, you made up that word.

The NCAA's arbitrary rules are a good life lesson that 'rich people don't give a fuck about you'

Isn't it a good life lesson just in general to have a bunch of arbitrary bullshit rules that are made up by some random guy that you have to follow? ... It actually in a fucked up backwards way it actually does teach you the most... and it's that rich people don't give a fuck about you and they just want to keep their money.

The fear of failure is a necessary and healthy driver for success

People that say you're not supposed to be afraid of failure, I think, are so full of shit. ... That fear of failure is what's driving me to work to be good. ... It shouldn't shut you down, but it definitely should be there.

I will hit a home run (or at least reach the warning track) in my professional baseball debut

I plan on hitting a home run. ... I'll hit one at least at a warning track. ... I'll go $10,000 to a charity if I don't get one.

Lonzo Ball needs to fix his shot after losing to Bow Wow

If you lose to Lil' Bow Wow with no shoes on, you have to then go fix your shot. ... I know everyone says, oh, don't mess with Lonzo's game. [But] you have to then go fix your shot.

Blake Bortles is a lock to be the Jaguars' starter next year

So I guess Blake is, I guess, a minute as a starter next year. Yeah. So Kirk Cousins, one less spot.

The New Zealand Breakers should draft Josh Allen with their first pick

With our first pick, we're drafting Josh Allen. I don't think we're allowed to do that... We've offered Josh Allen a spot on the roster. Yes, we're going to do a lot of stuff even though I don't think we're allowed to do that either.

Curling will not become a mainstream popular sport in America

I'm not going to hate on curling. But don't fucking tell me curling is going to be big... don't start doing the Darren Revell and telling me that esports are going to take over the world and our kids are going to be playing curling soon... it's shuffleboard that we play when we're drunk at a bar.

Curling, lacrosse, and rugby will be the only sports left by 2050

In the year 2050, those [curling, lacrosse, and rugby] are going to be the only three options of sports that you have.

Everything Marcus Peters tweets is excusable because he admitted he is 'hella dumb'

It's a disclaimer on everything Marcus Peters said. He says, 'I'm hella dumb.' Everything he says after that point, you cannot hold it to him. Everything else is just a prank... You can't get in trouble for quoting a song. You can't get mad at art.

The Philadelphia sports winning streak will end when baseball season starts

I mean, I don't know when this run is going to cease. Probably baseball season. Hopefully. Definitely baseball season.

Justin Thomas is a 'pussy' for having a heckler kicked out

Your day's done. Had him kicked out. Had him kicked out. What a fucking dick. Which just means that hecklers are inside Justin Thomas' head, even though he won... What a little pussy that guy is.

Zaza Pachulia is the biggest threat to the NBA's health because he hurts superstars

The NBA is probably the healthiest league overall when you think about growth. Zaza Pachulia is the one thing that could break it all down because he just hurts people left and right... He hurt Kevin Durant, his own player. He hurt Kawhi, the Spurs... The guy is a menace.

The NCAA basketball scandal is not ruining the sport, but changing it for the better

No, college basketball as we know it's getting changed and changed for the better... you can't have people running around on college campuses giving kids money... but not ruin but change and I think change for the better fellas.

The NCAA should allow players to use their likeness and change the one-and-done rule

They're going to change a couple things. They may let players use their likeness. They may change the one-and-done rule... until the NCAA says [to coaches] you commit a major violation, you are banned from coaching college basketball... nothing's going to change.

Any college coach who knowingly commits a major violation should be banned for life

Knowingly commit a major violation, you are banned from coaching college basketball. You can go coach NAIA. You can go coach the pros. You can coach high school. But you can't coach college basketball.

The best basketball players in the NBA came straight out of high school, so let them go pro

The best players in the NBA, damn near, came straight out of high school, and I'm going to Kobe [Bryant] and LeBron [James]... basketball, let them go. Absolutely. Let them go. Let them try. If they don't make it, hell, I'd even say if a kid went out of high school, went in a draft, he didn't get drafted, let him go to college.

Chris Farley is not funny at all

I'll stick by the not funny... in Dan Dakich's world, which is my own sweet little world, and it's a damn good world, that I don't think Chris Farley's very funny at all. And he's still alive... That dude was not funny. Still isn't funny. I can turn his stuff on today, and he's not funny.

Indiana is a sleeper to make a run in the Big Ten tournament

Indiana. Indiana is a sleeper to make a move. They don't have a bad draw as it sits right now... I like the way they guard... I think Indiana has a chance to be a sleeper.

Michigan will likely win the Big Ten tournament

Well, Michigan's playing better than anybody... I'll say they're playing the best... Back to the Big Ten term, don't be surprised if Michigan doesn't win it. Michigan's damn good right now.

Top football and basketball conferences should break away from the NCAA

I think the biggest thing that could change the NCAA as a whole is if the top 100 basketball and top 100 football conferences or teams – just completely break off from the NCAA and form their own thing. I think that's the best thing they could do because then they can play by their own rules in a sense.

NBA players are completely open about having been paid in college

[Do you talk to guys in the NBA circles that you know got paid? Are they open about it?] Absolutely. Yeah. And it's just kind of like, yeah, of course I got paid. Why wouldn't I have gotten paid? Yeah, that's pretty much what it is. It's like, yeah, I got paid. Who cares? They're gone now.

Tim Tebow can finally hit the broad side of a barn since he's hitting a shed in batting practice

[Tim Tebow] has been really killing it in batting practice... because he's hitting a shed. There's a shed out in the right field and he's hitting the shed frequently... It looks like Tim Tebow can finally hit the broad side of a barn.

Geno Smith is claiming the earth is flat as a media hack to stay relevant

when I saw him tweeting out videos today about it, my first thought was he's launching some new brand awareness thing. And so it was a great way to get back in the national conversation. Right. Was tweeting about how the earth flies. That is a hack into the media. Just tweet something. It's too easy.

Josh Allen will be the number one overall pick in the 2018 NFL Draft

We now have a place for all you Josh Allen fans out there to learn more about Josh Allen at draftjoshallen.com. I, for one, feel bullish about where we're going with this website... [Mel Kiper] putting Josh Allen at number one on his big board. Twice, though.

A bar should be composed of multiple mini-bars with different themes and living room seating

What I'm thinking of doing with my idea is it's a bar, but there are like 10 different... Well, it's a bar slash restaurant, but there are 10 different bars that you go up to and you sit down at those bars. So instead of waiters and waitresses walking all around... It's just mini bars everywhere... You can have couches. You can have lazy boys.

We can make millions of dollars using bait-and-switch YouTube videos

Why don't we do that? We could be making millions. We need to create the fake YouTube account and then be like, oh, my God, check out the biggest play from the Super Bowl. And then it's just us pitching Pardon My Take at draftjoshallen.com and Bitcoin to Jen... I think we could actually make a lot of money off the bait and switch on YouTube.

We should make a movie about Jesus going back to high school as a friendless nerd

We should make a movie about Jesus going back to school, but he's a nerd and everybody hates him. It's like, what if Jesus went back to high school and he played the French horn and had braces and he couldn't get a handjob? Would you give Jesus a handjob if he was your high school classmate? Then can you really call yourself a Christian?

The 'Undisputed' hosts talk about LeBron vs. MJ every day because someone accidentally used permanent marker on their whiteboard

I think that someone in that building [Undisputed], there's probably a whiteboard with the show set up every day, and someone accidentally did it in permanent marker. So it's just on there every day... I think they literally just forgot to put it in dry erase. So every day they get in there and they're like, what do we have on the show topics? And it's LeBron MJ there.

Rick Pitino didn't have a chance to defend himself against the NCAA

I'm standing up for Rick in that point. He didn't have a chance to defend himself... I think we are now officially a free Rick Pitino podcast because I was moved. I was moved.

The NCAA taking down a championship banner is the most ridiculous punishment in all of sports

The act of the NCAA taking down a banner is the most ridiculous punishment in all of sports... [Michigan] should actually get Louisville's banner so they're allowed to hang it up but it says Louisville [on it].

Kansas and Arizona are the two schools most at risk in the FBI scandal

The FBI scandal, the thing that no one talks about is I think Kansas and Arizona are the two schools most at risk, but your boys down at Duke, I'd be nervous if I were them because Jeff Capel kind of buddies with those with these dudes that are implicated in the FBI.

Virginia will not win the championship because their style of basketball is too terrible

I can tell you the team that's not going to win. I guarantee you Virginia won't win because God does not allow that terrible form of basketball to win a championship.

Grayson Allen is the biggest villain in college basketball of the last 20 years

I am going to miss the end of the Grayson Allen era, who I think is the biggest villain in college basketball in like 20 years.

Kentucky fans will be fine with John Calipari if he reaches the Sweet 16 this year

Probably Sweet 16. You get to the Sweet 16, considering how bad they were most of the year, I think fans would be completely fine.

The iPhone X is a terrible phone for actual communication

I understand from people I know that are very close to me that, for instance, the iPhone, I think it's the iPhone 8 through 10, that as a telephone... They're very poor. Using this as a phone to communicate... especially like the iPhone X, it's terrible on the telephone.

Banks revamp their websites and apps specifically to lock customers out of their accounts

They get the great idea that they're going to revamp their whole online presence. They do this. All of a sudden, when I go to log in, it doesn't work anymore... Man, it's just unbelievable. I could go through about six passwords in two days. And if it was something I had done, I would understand it. But why did they have to do this?... I'm so sick of these things... it's just like they're singling me out.

US Women's Hockey beating Canada is more meaningful because hockey is all they have

It just feels good to beat Canada because you know in hockey, that's all they have. It bothers them a lot. And Canadians can't get bothered... We know you're bothered. We know you're triggered right now.

The 2018 Winter Olympics have been the least viral Olympics of all time

I have no stats to back this up, but these have been the least viral Olympics of all time... Not letting people tweet in Instagram clips. Otherwise, you take their accounts down. So dumb. I tried to look at people for highlights of the hockey game, and it was just tweets.

Statistics are flawed because they ignore actual distribution (the chicken math analogy)

It's like if you and me went for a picnic. We take a chicken and I eat all of it and you have none. But statistically, you have eaten half of the chicken. This is why I don't look at statistics... you can't really do the stats when you don't know who actually ate the chicken.

Anything divided by zero is infinity

But wait, isn't anything divided by zero, zero? No, it's infinity.