Takes

Bill Belichick sends his assistants to AFC teams specifically to destroy them from within

Every single Belichick assistant that has spun off into a head coach or front office guy at another team has gone to work in the AFC, and they've systematically destroyed that team that they've gone to and made it an easier schedule for the Patriots. McDaniels just completely destroyed Denver. Pioli and company went to the Chiefs. Bill O'Brien... Texans stink. Saban fucked up the Dolphins too.

The only way to avoid male pattern baldness is to murder your grandfather before he loses his hair

Yeah, the only way to not inherit male pattern baldness from your mom's father is if you murder him before he goes bald.

Any movie made before 1990 sucks

Any movie that's made before 1990 can just piss right off because I don't care about it... It's movies with subtitles and movies that are either black [and white].

Steve Smith wouldn't even dare to get in a wrestling ring

Steve Smith wouldn't even get in the ring... But he wouldn't. We can put that challenge out right now to him.

Michael Floyd shouldn't be charged for his DUI because he was asleep

It's a bad visual, but I guess it's better that he was asleep behind the wheel than if he was fully conscious and was thinking to himself, I'm driving drunk the entire time he was doing it... He was asleep, so he couldn't have been thinking, I shouldn't be doing this. So technically, it's not really a crime. Also... Is sleepwalking a crime if you do something bad in a sleepwalk? No, you can't be charged. So he should get off for this one.

Star players only sit out bowl games when the bowl has poor leadership

If those two clowns of bowls [the Citrus Bowl and the Sun Bowl] had actual leadership running the show, I don't think that the star players would be sitting out.

Christian McCaffrey lacks the genetic benefits and pedigree of Leonard Fournette

When you look at Christian McCaffrey, this is a guy that's had to scrap and work and motor and study and think his way to everything that he is today. And then you look at Leonard Fournette, and he's got all the great genetics in the world, whereas a guy like Christian McCaffrey doesn't have that benefit, doesn't have the pedigree.

The Rams need to hire John Gruden to provide a 'splash' for their new stadium

The Los Angeles Rams are moving toward a meeting with ESPN analyst John Gruden... that's really nice because you need a splash, and nothing says a splash like a guy who hasn't been coaching for about 15 years.

The Rams should consider rehiring Jeff Fisher for consistency

I think what you need in L.A., and this might go contrary to popular opinion, you need somebody with a steady hand, somebody that's done this type of thing before, someone that's saved the course, consistency, a Jeff Fisher type, for example. So maybe we can get that rumor going, that the Rams are... They're willing to take Jeff back.

The NFL is to blame for security guards masturbating because they put hot cheerleaders on the sidelines

Why do they put the cheerleaders at NFL games if we're not allowed to masturbate to them in the stadium?... It is the NFL's fault because they kind of asked for it. You don't put hot women on the sidelines and expect us not to masturbate. A bunch of alpha males just walking around.

Donald Trump is the Rosa Parks of white presidents

Donald Trump... he's basically the Rosa Parks of white presidents. He's healing our nation. We finally have a white guy as a president.

NFL coach, beat reporter, and super fan trades should be more common

I love any non-athlete trade, and there needs to be more of them. ... I think it should be expanded to beat reporters. ... I want to see super fans getting traded.

Numbers and analytics are ruining sports

Numbers ruin sports. You made us all robots. Sports was great when it was just men grunting at each other, and there was no number for how much pain you're playing through.

The NCAA is struggling so much that they cannot even afford to pay their labor costs

If you paid attention last week, they announced that I think four bowl games this year didn't have a sponsor. So thoughts and prayers to the NCAA. I don't know how they're going to make any money with all their labor costs being what they are.

LeBron James sat out against Memphis just to distract people from his Photoshop hair fail

I actually think he did this purposely to get the story about him missing this game so people would stop talking about his Sportsman of the Year award where they forgot to Photoshop his hair back on.

Tiger Woods switched to Bridgestone golf balls so he can blame the equipment for his poor play

I like the choice by Tiger because you go off brand, you can always blame the balls... I thought these balls had the spin and distance and torque that I needed for my game. I was wrong. That's why I broke my back again and it had nothing to do with the steroids.

Cats are soul-stealing witches that shouldn't be allowed around babies

This furthers my theory that cats are witches... it is true that cats, when you sneeze, they steal your soul... and they steal baby's breath, too, if you leave a cat in a room with a kid.

Jeff Fisher couldn't even succeed at losing, which is the most losing thing of all

In my opinion, if you're going to do something, be the best at it. He couldn't even succeed at losing, which is really the most losing thing of all.

The ban on rookie hazing is killing masculinity in this country

Well, I see where Major League Baseball is coming from, but the fact that they're not letting guys dress up like girls is killing masculinity in this country. It's just sick.

Matt Barkley is the real deal as an NFL quarterback

Matt Barkley, real deal. Matt Barkley and Daniel Braverman, ladies and gentlemen. Write it down.

Ryan Tannehill's ACL injury is a good thing for his job security

I'm going to go with actually this is a good thing for him because that means that Tannehill gets another year. You can't judge him at the end of next year because it takes two years to come back from an ACL.

Tim Duncan's massive back tattoo is a viral marketing stunt

To me, this screams viral marketing stunt... I would expect him to get such a lame back tattoo. But this is what happens when people retire from things. They end up falling into the first viral trap that their PR person brings in... We're going to get a big back tattoo that's fake. And then a week from now, you'll come out and be like... my tattoo artist has my back. You know who's got your back? It's Fidelity.

Aqib Talib will accidentally shoot himself if he tries to fight Harry Douglas

If you have to have anybody that's looking to come after you, it's a guy that has unsuccessfully tried to shoot two people. So we know that at least Aqib Talib isn't very accurate with a gun. He'll just shoot himself with it. So that's good.

Bill Belichick signs white receivers just to confuse Chris Collinsworth

I think that he just signs white receivers and running backs just to confuse Chris Collinsworth. So the announcers have to take another 15 seconds after they get a first down or touchdown to just make sure that they get the guy's name right.

Nutrition science in athletics is mostly a scam to sell books

I don't know how much nutrition has to really do with anything. I think most of the guys that preach the book of nutrition are looking to do just that, sell books. I'm not sure that there's any validity that you can't eat fats or saturated or carbohydrates. ... There's really no proof that bananas and nuts are any better for you than Big Macs and fries. If you can make the weight, you can make the weight.

News broadcasts should stop reporting on crimes to discourage copycats, similar to how the NFL stops showing streakers

The news should stop showing all the bad stuff that happens so it's work for me they should follow the NFL's lead once again Roger Goodell is a thought leader trying to improve society so hey news big news producers out there maybe stop leading with mass murders cut away from them and have Gruden just talk that's right and then and then there won't be any more murders

The Browns are a dark horse for the College Football Playoff

I think the Browns are a dark horse, too. They can make some noise.

Jeff Fisher's next job should be Supreme Court Justice or the Pope

We're trying to figure out a fun game to play is what's Jeff Fisher's next job. How can he up this one? The first one is Supreme Court Justice. He basically is a Supreme Court Justice right now... He could be the Pope. Pope Fisher? Yes, Pope Fisher.

Ezekiel Elliott's 'feed me' celebration is problematic because of world hunger

This celebration is kind of problematic. A lot of people out there don't have food. They're hungry. They don't have soup. They don't have cereal. Ezekiel Elliott's just out there wasting it. He's basically saying, look how rich I am. I can eat.

Steve Kerr is directly financing terror by admitting to using marijuana

By buying that marijuana... Steve Kerr is directly financing terror. So I don't know if there's a case to be like a Rico thing they could investigate, the Warriors, but it's not a good look.

Announcers are drawing telestrator dicks on purpose to drive ratings

I think that announcers are drawing telestrator dicks on purpose to drive up ratings. Because there's one thing that you can't draw when you're doing a telestrator and that's a dick. And they do it every time. Every single time it's a dick.

The MLB ban on chewing tobacco is an infringement on a player's right to get cancer

I think it's offensive to me. You should have the right to get cancer if you want it. And you're stealing that right from baseball players.

Girls actually like guys who fart and burp in their face

Girls actually like a guy that farts. A lot. And burps in her face. That shows a certain level of masculinity.

A visible semen stain on your pants is proof that you are in your sexual prime

It means, it's a confirmation that you're sexually, that you're in your sexual prime... Girls, they're biologically tuned to seek out guys that look fertile. What better proof is there than just having your boys dripping out of your fly?

Al Horford should not have missed a game for the birth of his child because basketball is forever

Al Horford skipped a game to be with his wife who is having a kid. But come on, man. They could have lost. It's a kid. Kids come and go. Basketball is forever.

Voters are more likely to support political change when their local NFL team is losing

When your football team is good, you're more likely to vote for an incumbent. And when your football team's bad, you're more likely to vote for a new guy. The Jaguars and Dolphins sucked up until Election Day. Wisconsin voted Trump. Steelers sucked at the start of the year, Pennsylvania voted Trump. Carolina Panthers suck, North Carolina voted for Trump too.

It is completely unfair to judge Jeff Fisher on his losing record

LA Rams COO Kevin Demoff said it's unfair to judge head coach Jeff Fisher on record. Kings stay Kings. Everybody will want to judge Jeff through the prism of just the record, but that's totally unfair when you look at the set of circumstances he was handed this year.

Roger Goodell's failure to suspend Aaron Hernandez is encouraging other players to mimic him

Players are starting to do the Aaron Hernandez crack the safe money toss touchdown celebration. I have. So stay woke. Roger Goodell in his negligence and failing to suspend Aaron Hernandez despite being convicted of murder... he's emboldened the players to mimic Aaron Hernandez. I wouldn't be surprised if there were some more murders.

The next Texas head coach is already on the hot seat

My hot seat, the next Texas coach. Just throw him on the hot seat right away. Because guess what? Texas winning culture. Haven't won in a while.

If the NCAA vacates Notre Dame's wins, they should also vacate Brian Kelly's scandals

Notre Dame managed to lose an NCAA record 21 games in a single day today. They had 21 wins vacated... If they vacated all these wins, then [Brian Kelly] never killed that kid... If you're going to take away the good stuff, you've got to take away the bad stuff.

Nick Saban would actually kill a reporter on camera if it didn't stop him from coaching the next week

Nick Saban actually would kill a reporter, I think, on camera. If he could still coach next week, if he could coach in the Iron Bowl, even though he killed a reporter at halftime, he would do it.

Kickers are the most psychologically weak people in the world

The problem is we put the most psychologically weak people in a place to do it. Kickers are the most psychologically weak. So we need to put people with stronger minds to become kickers.

The NFL and Roger Goodell are making kickers miss extra points to save money on charitable donations

The NFL donates $1,000 to the three core nonprofit partners for every point scored. Roger Goodell... is trying to save a little coin. The NFL ratings are hurting... How can we cut some costs so I don't have to fire you guys on Christmas Eve? We'll get some kickers to miss some extra points. Boom. $11,000 saved today.

Every quarterback is born with a set number of wins in their body and Aaron Rodgers used his up too early

Every quarterback has a set number of wins that's in their body by the time they hit the NFL... you're born with that number, and then once you lose them all, then guess what? They're gone forever. So Rodgers won too many games too early.

Adam Schefter didn't go to Mexico because he's afraid of getting kidnapped because he fits perfectly in a trunk

Maybe because his body is so short and it fits so perfectly in a trunk, he doesn't want to go there and get kidnapped.

Donald Trump saved football because Americans will care less about CTE science during his presidency

Under Trump, the country will care less about truth or facts. It'll be more raw and brutal. Football will be more of an outlet. We'll go back to liking our violent sports... So Trump saved football. He saved football. Already made America great again.

Being a father makes LeBron James' workload effectively 72-hour days

LeBron's a father. He's got three kids. Being a father is a 24-hour-a-day job. So really, LeBron James works, what, 72-hour days? He works every, yeah. Doesn't get paid for it? Yep. So I can understand why that would take a little bit out of you.

Donald Trump paid 'creepy clowns' to create chaos in America before the election

What happened to the clowns?... Chaos is good for Trump. You don't think Trump bought some clowns and had them kind of have some panic around America? Because that's coincidental that the clowns are just not here anymore... they just disappeared.

Brad Stevens is on the hot seat

My hot seat, Brad Stevens. He's 5-5. He's coming into the season, predicted to be number two. He's coaching for his job.

A team of college basketball players could beat an NBA team because they try harder

NBA players don't try. They don't try like the college kids... I can't be the only one who thinks that a team of college players could put together a team and beat an NBA team. At least they would try harder.