Takes

Odd Mom Out is the first show by women for guys

[Andy Buckley] said that [Odd Mom Out] is the perfect... it's the first show by women for guys.

iTunes doesn't exist in Canada

I don't even know if that counts for the iTunes rankings. I don't think they have iTunes in Canada, so we don't actually appreciate them, but we'll just say we appreciate them.

Golf does not belong in the Olympics

I'll tell you one thing I think is ridiculous is all this Olympics and golf... to me, the Olympics does – it's not golf. If you're a golfer... it just seems silly. You want to win the British Open, you want to win the Masters, you want to win the U.S. Open... nobody cares about the Olympics. It's track and field, it's weight lifting, it's swimming.

Todd Packer is a Mount Rushmore character from The Office

Todd Packer. He's obviously on my mountain. Todd's a guy that would definitely punch some nerds with us because we hate nerds on this show.

Kelly Kapoor is the most underrated character on The Office

I actually am a big Kelly Kapoor guy. I think Kelly Kapoor gets [not] enough credit for being hilarious, especially with her relationship with Ryan. My favorite Kelly Kapoor was when she was like, I'm pregnant, and then they cut to her and she's like [shaking head].

Prison Mike, Date Mike, and Michael Skarn are the three best characters in The Office

I've got Prison Mike as number one. Number two, I've got Date Mike. Nice to meet me. Michael Skarn is my number three.

Holly Flax is a Mount Rushmore character from The Office

I think Holly – Holly Flax. I mean, she was like she was girl, Michael Scott, female Michael Scott.

Jan Levinson became a better and more insane character after her breast augmentation

Fucking Jan was great... I guess [I would take her] post-boob job because she just got even more insane.

Kevin Malone is a Mount Rushmore character from The Office

I think I may go with Kevin Malone specifically when he says, I am going to totally bang Holly.

I belong on the Mount Rushmore of Office characters as David Wallace

Well, I guess I got to go – I mean, should I technically – I guess I got to go with David Wallace.

Ryan Howard was a better character as a temp than as a corporate executive

I like the temp Ryan Howard to corporate. I didn't like him after he came back.

Any roster move with an 'I'm Coming Home' video makes me ready to run through a brick wall

Any roster move that's ever been made, if you put I'm coming home and you do a little 30-second video on the internet, I'm ready to run through a brick wall.

Dwyane Wade is going to win a title in Chicago

Dwyane Wade, he's going to win a title in Chicago. I don't know how it's going to work. They have [Rajon] Rondo, Jimmy Butler, and Dwyane Wade who all play isolation basketball for a coach that wants to move the ball and shoot threes. None of them shoot threes, but... Diddy and Skylar Grey had that video, baby.

Any team with a 'Big Three' is automatically at least a three seed

The key is as long as you can assemble a group of three people together and call them the big three, then you're automatically going to be like at least a three seed. Right. That's the rule.

The Bulls' success relies on other NBA stars getting season-ending injuries in April

Everyone basically – the strategy in the NBA now is either tank and rebuild or build a team like the Bulls where you're hoping [LeBron], [Kyrie], Al Horford, [Kawhi], [Steph Curry], [Kevin Durant], [CP3] – all get season ending injuries sometime around April and i think that if that happens the bulls have positioned themselves into a nice spot where they could at least get to the eastern conference finals right

The three-point line has ruined basketball and should be abolished

When you really think about it, the three point line is ruined basketball. It's not about fundamentals anymore. It's all these flashy Steph Curry, three point shots. ... kids aren't learning how to play inside they're not learning the you know how to rebound how to box out some of the good things that basketball taught us

Hassan Whiteside will pull a DeAndre Jordan and sign with the Mavericks instead of the Heat

Now that Dwayne Wade is signed with the Chicago Bulls, I bet you Hassan Whiteside might be rethinking the contract he agreed to with the Heat. What if he decides to pull a DeAndre Jordan and change his mind and sign with a team like the Dallas Mavericks who are offering him the max?

Peeing in the pool is the most natural thing in the world

My final favorite Mount Rushmore pool activity. This is my number one, actually, peeing in the pool. I've never been in a pool that I haven't peed in. So that's just it's I will sometimes pass going to the bathroom in a bathroom just so I can pee in the pool.

Napping in the sun is a top-tier pool activity

Number three taking a nap. Oh yeah, yeah. Falling asleep in the sun. ... I'm going to just get a big sunburn and let it turn into a tan. ... I'm all natural.

UFC 200 will still do over one million pay-per-view buys even without Jon Jones vs. Daniel Cormier

Dana, dude, he's like so immune to this that he doesn't really even get upset anymore. And thankfully, this fight card, even without Cormier and Jones, is as good a main card on pay-per-view as we've ever put together. So I still think you're north of a million pay-per-view buys.

Mark Hunt will knock out Brock Lesnar at UFC 200

Mark Hunt. He's going to knock Brock Lesnar out. It's going to be an all-time internet moment. ... I'm pretty sure he can knock out anyone in the entire world.

Mark Hunt will beat Brock Lesnar at UFC 200

Brock hasn't fought mixed martial arts since 2011. So I see some value on Mark Hunt. Strong lean for me towards Mark Hunt. I think you always fade a guy who hasn't competed in five years. Even an athlete as exceptional as Brock Lesnar, he's going to have to prove to me that he's back in this space and ready to win against a guy who is in the top ten.

Conor McGregor has no chance against Floyd Mayweather in a boxing match

Conor would have to step away from mixed martial arts and focus exclusively on boxing for like two years to have any sort of chance against Floyd Mayweather. I don't like Conor in that fight at all. ... I don't give Conor much of a chance.

UFC should start a drug-friendly 'Rogue Fighting League' on boats in international waters

Or it's my my third my third option here is you just start your own fighting league where like all sorts of drugs are okay you do a nine-sided ring instead of eight sides kind of one-ups ufc international waters so there's no testing right on boats yeah definitely on a boat

The German soccer team's aggression always comes too late in major matches

And once again, the German subs were a little bit too late. A little too late. And I noticed that their aggression didn't come until a little bit later, too. Usually the Germans are a little bit more aggressive early on.

Russell Wilson is overcompensating about having sex on his wedding night

I don't think that Russell Wilson had sex last night. I don't think he had sex on his wedding night. Who has time to have sex on your wedding night? ... I think Russell Wilson's overcompensating a little bit. Like if you get late on your wedding night, who goes out there the next day and is like, I had sex on my wedding night. That doesn't happen.

I would have 'Pete Rose'd' the hot dog contest and thrown it if I could have bet on my own under in Las Vegas

I actually made some texts. I was hoping that somehow it ended up on a real sports book in Vegas. We could have put some real money down, and I would have Pete Rose the hell out of that tournament. But alas, you could only win about like 200 bucks on prop bets. So I had to give it my all.

I will never compete in the Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest again

I've survived to tell my tale. I'll never do it again. But it was a great experience to have.

Kevin Durant might not improve the Warriors because there are too many cooks in the kitchen

I'm actually going to go out on a limb and say that Kevin Durant might not really improve the Warriors that much. Yeah, he's a really good player... You got a lot of cooks in the kitchen now. You need some role players.

The biggest takeaway from Kevin Durant's move is that the NBA now only has two teams

The biggest takeaway is it sucks for the NBA as a whole that there's basically only two teams.

There is no point in having children in 2016 unless you can get retweets out of them

There's no reason to have kids in 2016 unless you can get some retweets out of them. Kids, when you get down to it, if they're not making content for you, like why did you even have sex? ... If you have a child that's not cute enough to cry on camera for retweets, what's even the point of having the kid?

I hope the Cavaliers beat the Warriors again next year so David West stays stuck losing every year

I hope the Cavs beat the Warriors again next year. Then David West goes to the Cavs. And then the Warriors beat the Cavs. And he's just stuck losing like every single year.

Zack Hample is a 100% liar regarding how he obtained his Fort Bragg ticket

I decided to tell the truth and call out the liar and his friends and his family. ... [Zack Hample] is [a liar] absolutely, positively, 100%. And I've given him an opportunity to come clean, and like say, I'm sorry, you know, I made a mistake... He needs to say it because in about a couple of hours, he's going to be proven to be a 100% liar.

I am ground zero for sports stars and the first sports celebrity who wasn't an athlete

I was actually told by a reporter from Sports Illustrated when he interviewed me, he said, you're the first sports star. I mean, what the hell is a sports star? Star for sports. You're the first one. You're the first guy to become a sports celebrity that wasn't an athlete. ... You are ground zero for sports stars.

My reception at Cubs games is comparable to when the Beatles showed up at Shea Stadium

I was in Chicago for the Dodgers-Cubs. They swarmed me. They overwhelmed me with kindness and love. They were chanting, 'Marlins Man, Marlins Man' between the innings... I go, are you kidding? Watch what's going to happen. It's going to be like when the Beatles showed up at Shea Stadium. And it happened.

I cannot stand Justin Verlander's girlfriend, Kate Upton, because she refused to sign an autograph for a girl in a wheelchair

I cannot stand his [Verlander's] girlfriend because of what she did... She was at a game, and she refused to sign autographs for a girl in a wheelchair who was disabled, and it was her birthday because she said, 'I'm not signing.' ... When she got up, I stood up and booed, and the whole section stood up and booed when she left. But Justin Verlander, they got shelled in the next inning.

Zack Hample shouldn't cry about my 'war' against him because Hiroshima wouldn't have happened without Pearl Harbor

When you don't like my Hiroshima you, remember you started the war. That's a Harry Truman quote, I think. Hiroshima would have never happened if you didn't do Pearl Harbor. Remember that when you're crying about my war.

Marlins Man was only complaining about not getting into the Fort Bragg game, not skipping it out of respect

I asked him, the first thing I asked him before the game was, hey, are you going to Fort Bragg? He said nothing about respecting the military. All he did was complain about how he couldn't get in and how he does so much to promote Sunday night baseball and Major League Baseball. But MLB and the Marlins are being mean and they won't let him in. ... So for him to now suddenly be bashing me for going is just quite frankly bizarre.

You can't catch home runs when you sit in the first row behind home plate like Marlins Man

If he wants to talk it out and have lunch... I would even go to a game with him. But I don't want to sit in the legend seats at Yankee Stadium because you can't catch a home run when you're sitting in the first row behind home plate. Of course not. I would gladly help Marlins man catch a baseball game.

Big Cat should become a vegan as a PR move to become the 'Subway Jared' of PETA

I think Big Cat needs to become vegan. You need to say, 'You know that whole throwing blood on me and talking shit to me thing? It worked. I'm a vegan now.' Good job. ... You would be the Subway Jared of PETA. You would be their biggest success story and nothing bad could ever come from that.

Russell Wilson's sex with Ciara on their wedding night will be fast and furious because of his long celibacy

Russell has not had sex in a long time. He's not going to be, how shall we put, he's not going to be gentle with you. He's not going to last long. Silver lining. Spin zone. It's going to be fast. It's going to be furious. It's not going to be fun. Russell is going to be having sex like somebody who can get shot at any time.

Rick Reilly is wrong to say a third breast is unappealing; I think there's something attractive about it

To say that there's nothing at all attractive about having a third boob, I'm going to disagree with you [Rick Reilly]. I think that there's something attractive. We could debate this maybe, but it seems like Rick is really going out on a limb by saying that. I think that he's wrong.

Choking to death on a hot dog during a competition would be a hilarious way to die

I actually am OK if I die because I think that would be a hilarious way for me to die. You know what? God, take me, choke a hot dog down my throat, whatever.

Big Cat's best hot dog strategy is to eat 6-7 dogs immediately to secure a legendary screen cap

You need to get out to a hot start, just like shovel six or seven hot dogs in your mouth at the start. And that way you've got the screen cap for the rest of your life that shows like Dan Katz, eight hot dogs, Joey Chestnut, two.

The Fourth of July is the drunkest weekend of the year

Fourth of July weekend is maybe the drunkest weekend of the year. Everyone's out. Everyone's summer. It really is like who can drink the most beers all weekend long.

The best life to live would be as a mediocre NBA sixth man

If I had to do it all over again, I would come back as like a sixth man in the NBA. I'd work on that J. I'd get my J. We should have been these guys getting $70 million for being basically mediocre.

The Memphis Grizzlies are a front for a crystal meth manufacturing operation

The Memphis Grizzlies are very obviously just a front for crystal meth manufacturing. Like that's — it's the perfect move to pay Mike Conley $150 million. It's obviously money laundering. They had [Matt] Barnes. They had Birdman. Chandler Parsons. The Grizzlies are just a drug operation.

Matthew Dellavedova signing with the Milwaukee Bucks is the perfect landing spot for his blue-collar style

The Bucks actually have a blue collar stitched on the inside of their jerseys... to show the embodiment of Milwaukee's working class roots. So this is like a perfect, perfect landing spot for [Dellavedova].

Rich people crying in business meetings is seen as passionate, while poor people crying is pathetic

That's what I love about rich guys, okay? If you're rich and you cry, it's awesome. It's like you're very, very passionate. If you're poor and you cry, that's just pathetic. Get your poor, weird tears out of here. If you're rich, that's a guy that cares about life.

Tom Brady can't tell Kevin Durant what it's like to be a black superstar in Boston

And Tom Brady is going to be able to tell Kevin Durant what it's like to be a big black superstar in the city of Boston. Wait. No, wait, hold on.