Takes

UConn women's basketball could beat a WNBA team

Could UConn women's basketball beat a WNBA team? Probably. I'm actually serious. I think they could.

The NBA players in the 80s were more authentic because they weren't friends and didn't go on 'banana boats' together

I always like when people compare the NBA today to the 80s when guys weren't friends. They were not friends. People forget that Magic and LeBron, they didn't go on—I mean, Magic and Larry Bird, they didn't go on banana boats together. It was a different era.

Lacrosse will be the fourth major sport in America in 30 years

Should lacrosse take over soccer as the fourth major sport? I think it's got to be us. I think we've got to take it upon ourselves... 30 years.

Wikipedia should win every Pulitzer Prize because it contains every book

And the award goes to Wikipedia. How about that? The book edition. Wikipedia is basically every book. So how does Wikipedia not win every single Pulitzer Prize? I don't get it.

We have the 'scoop of the year' for both breaking the Adam Morrison bunker story and then proving it was false

Adam Morrison is like an apocalypse-like guy who has – does he have like gold and cash and he's got a bunker? ... [Big Cat:] And that was the scoop of the year, but we have an extra scoop of the year. [PFT:] Right. He actually doesn't have an apocalypse bunker. So we double scooped. It doesn't matter that the first one wasn't true. We double scooped.

Death is the 'dirtiest player of the year' and an old school goon you want on your team

Dirtiest player of the year. That one we're going to give to death. And it's not really that close of a race either. I mean, death is the kind of player that you hate to see on the other side, but you really like it when a guy like that's on your team. You want death to put on the same uniform that you have on. Death, you know, he's just an old school goon.

Zack Hample Belongs In A Garbage Can

First name Marlins, last name Man, I'll stuff Zack Hample in a garbage can.

Lady Luck Smiled Down On The Viet Cong When Marlins Man Missed Vietnam

I was one year late for Vietnam. Lady Luck smiled down on the Viet Cong.

Marlins Man Is A Job Creator With 100 Racehorses

I employ 40 people, job creator, got 100 racehorses deal with that you haters.

Zack Hample Is Jeffrey Maier With A Blog

Zack you a joke, I'll put you down like a dog. You Jeffrey Maier with a blog.

Zack Hample Is A USA-Hating Trespassing Traitor

You a USA hater, trespassing traitor. Meet me in the streets you law violator.

Marlins Man Is Not A Man, A Fan, Or A Veteran

You not a man, a fan or a veteran. So fight me bitch, or let it be.

The Marlins Man Beef Is About Jealousy, Not The Troops

It's not about the troops, it's jealousy.

Marlins Man's Mouth Is Always Behind The Plate

Problem is your mouth always behind the plate.

I Hope Marlins Man's Horses Die In A Lake

Fuck your law firm, I hope they lie to your face. Fuck your horses, I hope they die in a lake.

I Hope Marlins Man Gets Found Like Catherine The Great

I hope you get found like Catherine the Great.

Ask Brady, Marino, Wade, And LeBron About Me And Your Mom

So call Brady, Marino, Wade and LeBron. And ask 'em 'bout me and your mom.

Stephen A. Smith would have successfully prosecuted O.J. Simpson

I actually don't disagree with Stephen A. Smith here... Because I actually do think he would have been able to put O.J. Simpson in jail. He is so exhausting as an arguer, as a person, that I think that the jury would have just said, 'you know what, just have Stephen A. Smith stop talking and we'll put [Simpson] in jail.'

The 'Car Stick' is a necessary invention for everyone who drops items between car seats

Simple, simple invention. Everyone needs it. Just a little skinny stick that you can, like, it, like, would go stick up from the side of your car. And when shit gets stuck in between your seats, just grab the stick and it fishes it right out of there.

The MLB All-Star Game should either decide home field with no fan vote, or be a meaningless exhibition, but the current middle ground is the worst of both worlds

I actually don't hate that the all-star game decides this. I hate that they're kind of stuck in the middle. So if you're going to have the All-Star game decide where the World Series starts every year, eliminate the fan vote, and treat it like a real game.

The MLB All-Star Game is the best All-Star game in sports

I do think the mlb all-star game is by far the best all-star game there is it's not really close.

The MLB All-Star Game should include an inning where position players pitch and pitchers play positions

The seventh inning is the position player pitching inning. Yes. And put your pitchers at position players. Mix it up a little.

NFL Blitz is a Mount Rushmore-tier video game

All right, first up, NFL Blitz. No, I played video games a lot more when I was really young, and that was my favorite one.

Madden is the greatest video game franchise ever

I have Madden, the franchise. Just going to take the whole franchise. Fuck it. Mount Rushmore, you get to make your own rules.

GoldenEye 007 and Oregon Trail are top-tier video games

GoldenEye is number one since you didn't take it... Number two, I have Oregon Trail.

The Cubs will win the National League and the Blue Jays will win the American League

I like the Cubs still. I do like the Cubs... AL, I like the Blue Jays. I do like the Blue Jays, yeah... they had a little experience. They got some guys in the bullpen, pretty good starting staff, and a lineup's a joke.

The Cubs will trade for a relief pitcher and it will cost them a significant asset

The Cubs probably need to get a reliever. Maybe the Schwarber for Andrew Miller thing happens... I'm pretty certain they're going to add an arm in the bullpen, and it's going to take a lot to get one of those guys.

It is acceptable for elite pitchers like Jake Arrieta to skip the All-Star game to stay fresh for the second half

He's locked 350-plus innings in the last year and a half. So, I mean, if the guy [Jake Arrieta] doesn't want to pitch in the All-Star game and take an extra two weeks to be fresh, I think that's okay.

Pokemon Go is a microcosm of many things in life because it's about the chase

Here's the deal about Pokemon. And it's kind of a microcosm of a lot of things in your life. I mean, you chase the Pokemon. You throw the ball at the Pokemon. Great catch. Got one or whatever. Look at it in your inventory. Show it to your buddy. And it's like, let's go catch another Pokemon, dude.

Catching a Pokemon for the first time feels exactly like using heroin

You're always chasing that dragon, man. The first time that I caught one [Pokemon], it honestly felt like heroin to me.

Miko Grimes should use a foundation Twitter account to blame future controversial tweets on interns

This is a longstanding PR 101 piece. Just start a Twitter account in the foundation's name, the Miko Grimes Foundation account. Then you can say an intern was tweeting and dropping [the hard J] on everyone's face.

Giancarlo Stanton will suffer a massive slump after winning the Home Run Derby

Thoughts and prayers for Giancarlo Stanton's swing. He won the home run derby. So everyone knows here comes the slump. You can't win the home run... sorry, man. You're going to have a really bad second half.

Pokemon Go is a CIA government conspiracy to track data and map building interiors

Seriously, though, Pokemon Go is a government conspiracy, and I don't know why anyone... my last one was basically Pokemon Go has somewhere sitting with the CIA and they're saying, huh, how do we get inside people's buildings?... Let's just throw a squirtle right by someone's refrigerator. Picture.

The week of the MLB All-Star Break is the worst week in sports

We are in the middle of July. We're in the dog days... this is the worst week in sports. It's so bad that Derek Jeter's got bored enough to go and get married.

Pokemon Go is the greatest sporting event of our lifetime

We're kind of doing a disservice by calling this Sports Hell Week because possibly the greatest sporting event of our lifetime or probably anybody's lifetime is going on as we speak, and that's Pokemon Go.

Brock Lesnar is the scariest human on Earth

The only other takeaway I had [from UFC 200] was is Brock Lesnar, I think, is the number one scariest human on Earth. The fact that he came back after five years and just demolished Mark Hunt... Brock Lesnar, I think, is my number one scariest man on Earth.

Home Run Derby participants always screw up their swings in the second half of the season

My other favorite part about the Home Run Derby is predicting which one of the participants the Home Run Derby is going to screw up their swing in the second half. Whoever wins.

I'm betting heavy on Wil Myers to win the Home Run Derby because he spells his name with one 'L'

I'm going heavy on Wil Myers. He is listed at plus 600. The guy is all about winning. And it's so efficient. You know how much time he saves in his life by spelling his name W-I-L instead of W-I-L-L?

Giancarlo Stanton will win the 2016 Home Run Derby

I have the artist formerly known as Mike Stanton... ooh, plus 365, the favorite.

Women love bad boys and cigarette smokers

Number two [things chicks dig] bad boys... if you can maybe have a little mean streak to you. Chicks dig cigarette smokers slash heavy cologne users. They'll tell their friends, 'ew, he smokes,' then they'll be like, 'ooh, bad boy.'

Women love it when men tell them what to like and order for them at restaurants

Chicks love it when guys tell them what they like. Or order for them at a restaurant. It's just like whenever you're like, 'hey, this is actually you don't like that. You like what I like.' It just shows that you're not afraid to take charge.

Carlos Zambrano would win a Home Run Derby between the best-hitting MLB pitchers

I think it might be Carlos Zambrano that might win that one [a pitchers home run derby]. It'd be close between MadBum [Madison Bumgarner] and Zambrano, but I didn't want you to hit Zambrano... He's broken more bats than any man I've ever seen.

The Chicago Cubs will win the 2016 World Series

If you were to pick the World Series right now, it sounds like the Cubs. Would you say the Cubs right now or somebody else? Yeah, I would say the Cubs.

The Cleveland Indians won't win the World Series because the city isn't allowed to win two titles in a row

It's definitely not going to be the Indians because Cleveland can't win two things in a row. It can never happen. And if it does happen, they're going to become the new Boston and everybody's going to hate them.

Skyline Chili is actually good and I love it

I love Skyline Chili... Every time, the first time I got called up to the big leagues with the Reds... I had two chili dogs. Skyline Chili has always been a classic for me, man. I can't hate on that. Skyline Chili is the best. They can't give enough cheese, baby.

I am the reason for the flat-brim hat trend in baseball

I live in Scottsdale, Arizona, and I see all these Little Leaguers wear 8-1-8 hats, so I feel like I'm the reason for that. So, you know, I'm definitely taking silent credit for changing the game, changing the hat-fitted game.

J.J. Watt is sexist for only posting photos with his female relatives

J.J. Watt tweeted a picture of himself, his mom, and his grandmother... hashtag squad. Way to brag in all of our faces. Hey, J.J., what about your dad and your grandfather and your great-grandfather? Do you not like men? Are you being sexist?

Portugal was a better soccer team without Cristiano Ronaldo in the Euro 2016 Final

I'm going to go with hurt because he actually made the team better. I think the question has to be asked now, like, was Cristiano Ronaldo actually holding Portugal back? So better team without him. Kind of like the whole Steph Curry situation where the boys, the lads on the pitch just really opened up the game and the spacing was better.

People in Portugal speak 'Brazilian' which is why they are good at soccer

People forget that they speak Brazilian in Portugal... The two best soccer teams in the world, Brazil and Portugal, both speak Brazilian. So it makes you wonder, like, maybe more countries should start speaking Brazilian if they want to master the beautiful game.

It is suspicious that LeBron James still hasn't signed his contract with the Cavaliers four days after free agency opened

LeBron James still hasn't signed with the Cleveland Cavaliers. Hmm. Just saying. Hmm. I'm not saying, but. Hmm. Has everybody else signed? Yeah. So... LeBron hasn't yet.