Takes

Billionaires should pay for their own stadiums

The Bills are getting a $1.4 billion new stadium. It's going to be right next to their old stadium, all paid for by the public... Billionaires should pay for their own fucking stadium.

The Lakers are 'packing it in' and LeBron isn't trying on defense

The Lakers are so bad. It's awesome... LeBron... just doesn't try at all on defense. He's very close to packing it in... I watched the first quarter last night they were down 33 to 12 in the first quarter.

The Jets are a wagon and will beat the Patriots in Week 8

Jets are a wagon, calling it. Week 8 at MetLife, they're beating the Pats, calling it right now. We're updated, upgraded... we don't have Mr. INT anymore.

Zion Williamson is a better player when he is fat

I'm going to say something controversial. I think that Zion Williamson is a better player when he's fat. I want him to get fat. Well, in fact, well he D he doesn't play right now. He's a better players to get fatter. Yeah. He just needs to get so fat that they roll them out there.

Kyler Murray will go play baseball when he's 28 years old

It's wild. I don't know how this, I mean, yeah, they're going to pay him and then he's going to be upset and he's going to be more upset and they're not going to win. He's going to be more upset. And then he's going to, I feel like when he's like 28, he's gonna be like, I'm going to go play baseball.

Derek Jeter sabotaged the Marlins on purpose

I, you know what I agree with Marlins man. Yeah. I think Jeter fucked up the Marlins on purpose.

The Winter Olympics ratings decline is due to a lack of NHL pros in hockey

The average total audience was 11.4 million viewers for the 2022. And that's a sharp decline... I'm convinced it's the hockey like it's, it's it's hockey, not having the pros and not having it as like a tentpole.

I want to invent soundproof 'fart pants' for airplanes

My idea was to get fart pants, to invent fart pants. And it would just consist of pants that were soundproof. So you could wear them... when I fart on an airplane, it's never smelly. It doesn't stink. It's just air. And it's just super loud.

Restaurants should offer oversized sweatshirts for customers who want to keep eating

A restaurant should offer an oversized sweatshirt or even a blanket so that you can keep eating through that... somewhere between like appetizers maybe right after appetite is like, sir, are you, are you planning on eating past full well, yeah, always. Can we offer you this three XL sweatshirt?

Hank the Tank the bear cannot be relocated and will die if forced into the wilderness

Hank the tank is a 500 pound black bear... He doesn't know how to hunt because he's so dependent on humans. He cannot be relocated to the wilderness or he would die of starvation because he's completely has zero motivation... Plus he's fat as fuck.

Sean McVay should retire and join ESPN's Monday Night Football for more money and fewer hours

I'm going with the ESPN Monday night crew on the hot seat because supposedly if McVay wants out, ESPN wants him in for Monday night football. Tony Romo makes 18 million... Why would he want to work? Like 100th of the amount of hours and time and stress for, for more money? Yeah. I, I think that's a pretty good deal.

Coach K blocked Tommy Amaker from the Duke head coaching job to protect Jon Scheyer's career

There's a report coming out a new book that Tommy Amaker was going to be named next head coach of duke... and coach K got on a zoom with them and essentially said, I can't have you taking this job because that would set John shier back in his career. So we want you to take your name out of consideration and out of respect for coach K Tommy Amaker realized that this job search thing was apparently he had been offered the job already until coach K stepped in.

Kyler Murray leads the league in nonsense

All of this nonsense is not what I'm about. Never has been, never will be... All that says it, all, all of this nonsense that I, that I directly caused is I'm not. And you can make the case that this is just more nonsense, correct? I think Kyler Murray leads the league in nonsense.

Home runs are going to increase because MLB stopped testing for steroids

My cool throne are yobbos, dingers, home runs, whatever you want to call them. Because for the first time in 20 years, Major League Baseball is stopping testing its players for steroids... I love it. Everybody use the ball and juice to go back and forth.

The MLB season will inevitably be delayed due to lack of progress in labor meetings

The MLB and the Major League Baseball Players Association made little progress in their latest meeting, and a delay to the upcoming season feels inevitable.

Tom Brady is going to retire after this season

Tom Brady, Tom vs. Time... for my personal takeaway, it seems like he's gone. She [Gisele] deserves what she needs from me as a husband and my kids deserve what they need from me as a dad... from right now where I stand, I feel like he's gonna walk.

Defense no longer wins championships in the modern NFL

I did, did you guys see that, that one tweet where someone was like, this must be what it feels like for kids to find out Santa Claus isn't real. And it was a text someone shared from their dad saying defense no longer wins championships.

James Harden is unhappy living in Brooklyn

James Harden is upset. This is going well. I fucking love the Nets—they're going to Kevin Durant's hurt, Kyrie plays half the games. And I saw the quote... James Harden doesn't enjoy living in Brooklyn, not just because of the climate, but also the state income tax is different than Texas.

SEC stadiums are louder than NFL stadiums

Joe Burrow, mid controversial statement of saying SEC stadiums louder than NFL stadium... which was now brought up by an NFL veteran who thought that it was quite good.

Using an 'all-star' officiating crew for the Super Bowl is a bad idea due to lack of chemistry

Penalty flags... they announced a Super Bowl crew, Ron Torbert—they are collabing. It's not a crew he's worked with... chemistry is more important than—you want a crew that's been solid together. They're greater than the sum of their parts.

Andy Reid's food metaphors mean the entire NFL is in trouble

Andy Reed really put cake on the hot seat... He just thinks of everything his life as it's related to food. Once he starts thinking about food, he physically gets hungry and then he's going to mentally get hungry. And then the entire NFL, next thing he knows in trouble.

LeBron James is the ultimate coach killer

LeBron and the coach killers back. It looks like Frank Vogel might get fired. There's a lot of rumors right now. No one does it better than him. No one kills a coach better than LeBron... Bron is going to come off the court and just be like, all right, he keeps his job one more game. Give him a look like, yeah, he's just doing the fucking gladiator up and down after every game for Frank Vogel's life.

5G radars will ground all US air travel

Turns out a bunch of the airline CEOs said that the new 5G radars that are getting put on for telecommunications, once they get turned on, it's going to affect a bunch of their planes landing. And that they're going to have to ground all US air travel tomorrow.

Andrew Luck looks extremely happy and appears to have zero interest in returning to football

Andrew luck shows up out of nowhere... and he looked like he's lost about 70 pounds. My God, I actually don't think that Andrew luck has picked up a football in the last three years. And he looks really happy.

The new Washington team name will be the 'Red Hogs'

I'm thinking it's going to be the red hogs, which I, which I love actually, because you're given a throwback to the hogs, the old offensive line. And you can do so much cool shit with pissed off looking pigs.

Johnny Davis is the National Player of the Year in college basketball

Johnny Davis, right? National player of the year, if you had a vote, yeah. Number one, you would build on it.

Josh Allen is defying statistics by winning 13 out of 16 coin tosses

My hot seat is statistics and probability because Josh Allen has won 13 out of 16 coin tosses this season. That's wild... The probability of hitting nine straight is .1953. So Josh Allen is defying all the stats nerds.

I will cut off the tip of my pinky if the Colts win the Super Bowl

I've seen some people being like, you're not actually going to do it. First of all, it's the tip of my pinky. It's the nail up. Second of all, it's essentially like a tattoo... The Colts started 0-3 in 2021, and they won the Super Bowl. It will suck, but I will do it.

Failing NFL teams should always flush the whole staff and front office out

The Jaguars, and this goes for the Giants as well, I do not understand teams that don't flush it all out. If your team is an abject failure, just... Flush the fucking thing out.

The Washington Football Team will beat the Eagles 13-9 with Garrett Gilbert at quarterback

I feel like it's shock the world time. Oh see, you're predicting a win. I'm thinking 13, 9, 13, 9 tonight the Washington football team over the Philadelphia Eagles.

JNCO jeans are officially back in style

My cool throne is JNCOs. Yeah. And JNCOs are also back... there was a, a trend piece in the Wall Street Journal, you know, something's real cool when it's written about in the Wall Street Journal.

The Arizona Cardinals are officially cursed for failing to tweet the final score of their losses

The Arizona Cardinals just did not tweet the final score after they lost the lions... I'm demanding they treat the final score. I don't think they ever will... It's going to be a dangerous all out battle... as far as I'm concerned, the lions have one. An official.

The ACC is a bad basketball conference this year

My hot seat is the ACC... they're the only team [Duke] that's even decent in the ACC... they've lost six buy games.

Robert Kraft's investment in a Call of Duty team is a genius move

Robert Kraft bought a Call of Duty team... everyone says that buying these roster spots is a waste of money... I would have agreed with them until Robert Kraft bought the top spot. Now genius investment.

Steph Curry will break the all-time three-point record tonight at Madison Square Garden

Steph Curry is going to, by the time you're listening to this, Steph Curry has already broken the record... I'm actually going to go to the game. I'm excited for it.

U.S. politicians should settle disputes in MMA matches

Two politicians down in Brazil... had a three round MMA fight, which was sick... I really wish I kinda wish that would happen more in the United States and other places.

NFTs are becoming more valuable than diamonds

Turns out there's a bunch of new diamonds that are fake, but no one can tell the difference... De Beers is totally panicking because now diamonds have no value. So Hot Seat: Diamond... NFTs are kind of more valuable than diamonds, I think about it.

John Wall to the New York Knicks would be 'fucking sick'

John Wall was injured. He's now healthy. He's trying to play. And the rockets are just saying, no. ... So John Wall to New York would, would be fucking sick.

The Bears vs. Packers Sunday Night Football game in Week 14 will be 'fucking terrible'

They put out the schedule for week 14 and they're not flexing bears, Packers Sunday night football. So that's going to be fucking terrible. ... It's going to be so miserable.

Robots can now reproduce

Cool throne is robots. They lost their virginity. Not much more that we need to explain there. Robots can reproduce now. They just released it. There was a scientific research experiment. There was a scientific green robots that created. It's a thing.

LeBron James got off easy with a one-game suspension for punching Isaiah Stewart

LeBron James basically owns the NFL [sic], which we already knew, but the fact that he got suspended one game for assault is fucking ridiculous... He looked him dead in the eye and then punched him in the face. Like if you watched the replay, he knew exactly what he was doing.

LeBron James is an absolute fraud for how he handled the Alex Caruso departure

Last night was a perfect encapsulation of how LeBron is just an absolute fraud. The story came out that the Lakers basically asked Caruso to take less money... LeBron is the GM. Everyone knows this... then it's all over him hugging them on social media like 'love you bro'.

Giannis Antetokounmpo might leave the Bucks in two years for a new challenge

Yannis is already planting the seeds to maybe leave Milwaukee... He said 'one challenge was to bring a championship here and we did.'... He said 'in two years that might change. I'm being totally honest with you.'

Coach K should retire immediately over his grandson's DWI

Coach K [should] retire right now if he had any backbone and stood for anything that he says that he stands for. You can't have this... Step down right now. Institutional chaos before someone gets hurt.

Mac Jones is the Grayson Allen of the NFL

Mac Jones is sort of gotten the, some people are calling them the Grayson Allen of the NFL... Because he's a tripper.

Never mess with a family from the former Yugoslavia

As a general rule of thumb, don't fuck with any family from the former Yugoslavia. It's great just because it's taking this... Yeah, they're like if the Ryan twins were in the movie Taken.

Never trust anyone who owns a monkey or a snake as a pet

Never trust anyone who owns a monkey or a snake as a pet. They're not trustworthy... A monkey is just, it's basically you buy a monkey, it sits in your house, and it's just you set the timer for when it decides it wants to rip your face off. That's all it is.

Kyrie Irving is refusing the vaccine as part of a viral marketing scheme for the new Matrix movie

My cool throne is Kyrie Irving, because I'm pretty sure he's not getting vaccinated for an entire like prolonged ad for the new Matrix thing that's coming out in December... I think he's not getting vaccinated as part of a viral marketing scheme for the new Matrix.

Sam Ehlinger will replace Carson Wentz as the Colts' starter

My hot seat is Carson Wentz. Brett Hundley was recently released from the Colts, and Sam Ehlinger was promoted to QB2... Who knows if Carson Wentz gets benched, Sam Ehlinger comes in.

Peyton Manning essentially admitted to cheating by doctoring footballs on the ManningCast

Peyton Manning starts going off this rant about how the ball boys in Indianapolis use the special sauce and they did all these tricks of the trade and did all this shit with the ball... and it's just crickets. Why not have that conversation when Brady is on the air... and Peyton is just like, yeah, we had our special sauce.