Takes

It is impossible to have airtight rules for Barstool competitions because people will always find loopholes

Whenever we do any bar stool competition of any kind, you could spend a year... going through all the plans, the preparations, the rules, everything. Within one hour, one of us will find a loophole and be like, this is bullshit. It's just, it's, it's impossible.

Big men everywhere start dreading April because they lose the ability to hide under sweatshirts

We're getting to t-shirt weather. Do we have a plan? The first nice day where it's 70 degrees and you hold onto the sweatshirt and you're like, 'this is uncomfortable.' And you realize I'm gonna have to start wearing a t-shirt. It's the worst feeling in the world. I forgot that I couldn't just wear a sweatshirt for the entire year.

William Chisholm is a smart business mind and will be a great owner for the Celtics

Clearly a very smart business mind. And I'm excited to, to see what he's got in store. Hopefully he likes the Celtics and isn't doing this as a business... He agrees to purchase the Celtics from the Grousbeck family for a valuation of $6.1 billion.

Helly is going to kill her father in the Severance Season 2 finale

I want death. I want multiple deaths. Oh, I think Helly's gonna kill her dad. No, I mean, she's showed... she tried to kill herself. They think that she's her daughter who's like the whatever of the company, but they don't know Hellie down there.

Gemma in Severance was never a real person and has always been an innie

Gemma is an innie that they released to the real world to like, make Mark fall in love. Like she was, she was never a real person... She's always an innie.

The Real ID requirement is a load of bullshit and unnecessarily complicated

Real ID... that's a load of bullshit. It's impossible to get an appointment... Why can't there just be one line? You go to one person, you get everything done and you leave, you go to eight different lines and you get an appointment. And an appointment means nothing.

I will break 85 in golf by July

Break 85. That's my goal by... By July.

I will shoot an 84 in my first golf round of the year

I'll shoot 80. I guarantee I shoot 84 first round out this year.

Most women believe that all men are naturally capable of dunking a basketball regardless of size

My fiance just asked me with a straight face: When was the first time I dunked? She just assumed throughout our entire relationship I've been dunking... hubs tweeted this out last night... I wonder how fast she thinks I can throw a baseball... women just think that all men can dunk.

Binging a TV show is much better than watching it week-by-week

This is my big, i I like binging shows. I like just diving right into 'em. I don't know how people can watch a show like I gave up on House of Dragon. Yeah. Because I watched the first season and then it was four years and I was like, I don't remember fucking shit. I'm out.

A 2032 asteroid will likely hit the Earth and specifically ruin a Cleveland Browns Super Bowl run

My fire fest of the week is that there's an asteroid heading towards Earth. It's scheduled to hit the planet potentially in 2032. This tells me this has like Brown Super Bowl run written all over it. And the asteroid shows up.

I am officially going to learn how to dunk a basketball

I have a announcement for you guys. Ready for this? I think I'm gonna dunk. I think I'm gonna dunk. I've never dunked, but I think I'm gonna train in dunk.

Big Cat would have to lose a significant amount of weight to ever dunk

I hope you could too. You would have to lose a lot of weight. I know you're not going, you're don't. I would, don't put a time.

I am a better athlete than Hank at everything

I just have to come to the realization, I'm just a better athlete than [Hank] at everything... I'm mad at myself hand up accountability. I'm just better at than Hank at everything Hand up.

The Seahawks are a 'hammer' for a Super Bowl future bet next year

Seahawks Super Bowl future for next year... probably got 30 to one odds right now. I would hammer it.

Vetoing the marathon was a mistake; the nine-darter challenge is going to be significantly harder

I should have vetoed the nine Darter. Yeah. And I didn't. And now I am going to deal with the consequences of my own action... I am concerned that at a certain point my arm is gonna get like to a point where I can't throw... The marathon would've been the much easier choice.

The Super Bowl officially marks the end of winter

I'm keeping [the Christmas trees] up till after the Super Bowl. Super Bowl is the end of winter, as far as I'm concerned. That's the end of our season.

I'm done being ashamed of being from Massachusetts; I am a Chicago fan for life

I was born and raised in Newton, Massachusetts... I'm done with [being ashamed]. I have a fucking awesome life... my fandom of the Chicago teams is genuine... I am a Chicago fan for the rest of my life now.

Speakeasies should be illegal to be authentic

I don't think that there should be speakeasies unless they're actually like illegal places where you can like smoke inside and like, it's against the law. That's what a speakeasy should be... It's stolen valor. If I look at your wall and you have your health department grade on the wall, [it's not a speakeasy].

Pour-your-own-beer bars are a terrible trend

Another trend that I fucking hate bars I can't stand... the bars that have the like pour your own beers. I hate that shit... The whole point of going to a bar is have someone like, you get to sit down... you feel like you're playing laser tag or some shit. Sucks.

I will not be able to shoot 20 three-pointers in a row

I misinterpreted what the initial discussion was. I'm not gonna be able to shoot 20 threes in a row. That's it... 20 for 20, which is impossible. I think 20 for 25 is possible. Obviously that's not what we discussed.

I will get a cat and shave my face if PFT Commenter beats me in a three-point contest

I don't want to own a cat, but I also you also know I'm gonna beat PFT... [If PFT beats me] I'll do it. I accept. [A cat and shave my face].

The Meta Quest 3 is significantly better than the Apple Vision Pro

I got the Apple Vision Pro like seven months ago. What a waste of fucking money that was. That was probably the the biggest waste of money I've ever had in my entire life... picked up the Meta Quest 3. That thing rocks... this kicks the shit out of the Apple Vision Pro.

Opting out of the lottery ball should be grounds for losing your job

If you Opt outta a lottery ball, you're opting outta the booth. Is that what you're doing? And then you might be opting outta your job. I don't understand this. Hank is the very definition of grace. You could complain, you could bitch... You can't Opt out.

I am having a midlife crisis at 31 years old

I feel like it's, I know the answer that it's a sign that I'm going through somewhat of a midlife crisis... I have been spending a lot of time thinking about selling it [my car] and then leasing a really nice car... Why not open a line of credit with good points, pay the lease off with that and have a nice car.

Mike Tyson is in a dark, 'no fucks given' place and might actually beat Jake Paul

That tells me Mike Tyson is, he is locked in right now. He's in a dark, no fucks given place right now. He's just [talking to a kid about death]... it actually does make me think that Mike Tyson might be able to do it.

I can throw a fastball 64 miles per hour

What how fast do you think my fastest pitch was? [64]. Oh boy. That's gonna be a lot of home runs... I guess [my fastest was 64].

The only way to successfully approach a doctor's physical is by dieting for three weeks beforehand so they don't yell at you.

I started counting calories this week. I started logging everything. I got a physical three weeks from the day I scheduled it so I could get three weeks of trying to lose weight preseason before I go to the physical... it's not going to be like, holy shit, you're gonna die. It'll just be not as bad.

I am betting against LSU because they are using a fake Mike the Tiger on the sidelines

It appears that they are now bringing a tiger back onto their sidelines... it seems like it might be a fake mike, the tiger that they're putting on the sidelines, because people took pictures... and they compared the stripes and they think that it's a duplicate Mike. It's a fake Mike the tiger... in which case I am going to be betting against LSU.

Lactose intolerance is a sign of weakness and most people who claim it are 'pussies'

I think lactose intolerant people are just pussies. I just, when people are like, I can't eat that ice cream. I'm lact— shut the fuck up. Eat the ice cream. If you need an EpiPen, I respect you. If you are, if you like, oh, I got a little diarrhea, dude, that's my whole life is eating too much ice cream and getting diarrhea.

The only way to effectively lose weight is to completely cut out carbohydrates

I say this as someone who fluctuates weight more than Oprah. Any, the only time it's ever worked for me, which I've been doing recently, is just during the week. It's no carbs... If you don't eat carbs, the weight will come off.

Men posing with their arms around each other is the weirdest thing

We as guys, we as guys gotta stop doing the arms around each other. This picture. It's the fucking weirdest thing we do... There's nothing worse than doing the awkward like post golf round. Yeah. 10 dudes just standing with their arms around each other.

The Eagles fleeced the Commanders in the Jahan Dotson trade

I like Jahan Dotson, a Penn State fan who's a beast at Penn State. Good wide receiver three. Give up a third, get back a fifth. Very happy. Fleeced. Fleeced.

The Commanders fleeced the Eagles in the Jahan Dotson trade

We're fleecing the Eagles. Big time. You bunch of bald eagles over there got fleeced so hard. [Dotson] was fighting for the second spot... he was I think losing that competition to Martavis Bryant.

I would rather buy new clothes than walk through a spider-infested hallway to do laundry

I have to share that laundry room with three other units... there's spiders all the way up and down the wall... I'm afraid to go down there... So I bought new clothes, bought just essential stuff.

Taking a long time to poop is a masculine dad move

I actually kind of feel like this is like my first, like I'm feel like a masculine dad because I feel like that's a very big dad move for the all the kids in the house to be like, yeah. Dad goes and takes long shits. Being like, I'm going to the shit or I'll be back in three hours.

I'm officially 'washed' after struggling in the home run derby

Tuesday night we hit dingers... but I think I'm officially, officially washed because... I was halfway through the whole competition and I looked at the leaderboard and it was like me, Titus, Chief, Brandon... every guy who's 37 plus. I was maxing out everything I had and it wasn't that good.

I wasn't going to fake a celebration for the cameras just because the Celtics won the championship

I just don't know really. Like I was thinking that what should I do? And I kind of knew that that was gonna be the reaction, but I also wasn't gonna fake it. Like I wasn't gonna drop to my knees and be like, you guys knew you were gonna win after game three.

There should be a 'dating app' style platform for young men to find old guys who know how to fix cars.

I just had an idea for like a dating app, but it's young dudes that want to meet up with old guys. Mm. Who know about cars. I feel like an old guy wants to share his car knowledge.

The USMNT should reach the quarterfinals of the 2026 World Cup

I think our ceiling is probably the semi-finals at the very best in the next World Cup... Quarterfinals in the World Cup. And we've got a good enough team. The players are good enough to do it.

Gregg Berhalter is a shitty coach

Our coach stinks. And having him get this tie against Brazil is gonna—because we are a loser country in soccer—[make people think] Greg's got the team on the right track and he's not gonna be fired... I do know that it's gonna be bad news if he's the coach of the World Cup team.

The USMNT's tie against Brazil is actually 'bad news' because it keeps Gregg Berhalter around

This was a bad tie because now it's gonna keep a shitty coach around because people are gonna be like, 'Good job Greg. You're coaching for your job and you got a major win when you tied Brazil.' ... It's gonna be bad news if he's the coach of the World Cup team.

The El Camino is the 'mullet' of cars

One word to describe El Camino and it's bitching. This ride is fucking sweet. 1970 SS racing stripe cherry red. I'm actually thinking about getting a mullet as an accessory to my car. I like that because the, the El Camino is a mullet of cars. Yeah. It's business in the front party in the back.

Age 40 is a major cutoff; your fitness level on the day you turn 40 determines your physical trajectory for the rest of your life.

It's time to get back in shape. Gotta get in shape before you're 40. I feel like anything you do before you're 40, that's who you're gonna be after 40. 40 is like a big cutoff. If I'm in shape the day I turn 40, I can get fat and then get back in shape. No problem.

The 'Uncrustable Diet' is the perfect way to get in shape for age 40

I'm trying a new diet that I think I invented, which is strictly Uncrustables. ... My meal plan is, I eat four Uncrustables a day. ... I think that the Uncrustable is probably the perfect snack. The perfect meal, the perfect everything.

Dots Pretzels are the most addictive snack in existence

I've never been addicted to a snack more than this. And it's dangerous. It is crazy.

People catching and eating cicadas at baseball games will be a viral trend this summer

We're gonna see more and more, I predict this summer of just cicada cam. Just people just grabbing a cicada and eating it on camera. . . normalize it.

I will find a middle ground with my sleep schedule to avoid missing shows

The first incident sleeping in too late kickstarted my fitness documentary journey, which has me waking up early, which then forced me to be tired and sleep late. So I just gotta find that middle ground. But I'm gonna find it.

I like getting a single bug bite

I like a good bug bite. Just a good, just a good old fashioned bug bite. Like maybe on the top of your shin. Nice little spot. You can scratch it a little... A single bug bite on the top of your shin. Just a little itch. Not so bad.

I will give it my all and I believe I will be able to dunk

I'm in it. The bet's out there. It's 20, it's 20 k. ... I'm going to give it my all to be able to dunk. I think I'm gonna be able to do it. I know the haters and you guys and everyone in the world doesn't think I'm going to, but I I welcome that. I welcome that. ... The only way that's gonna stop me is injury.