Takes

I am okay with moving the Elite Eight and Sweet Sixteen to Saturday through Tuesday

I do actually like that. They're the Sweet 16 and Elite Eight. Sweet 16 is Saturday, Sunday, Elite Eight, Monday, Tuesday. I'm okay with that because Elite Eight is, it's weird when you have the Elite Eight on that Saturday and Sunday and you're like, wait, there's only two games... Whereas now you'll work all day Monday and then you get basketball at the end of the day.

The Cleveland Browns will get 'clapped' by the Kansas City Chiefs in the Divisional Round

The Browns are going to get clapped against the Chiefs.

Bitcoin investors will die rich but never spend their money because they are obsessed with holding

The whole point of being rich is to spend money and do cool shit. Bitcoin people just... in the next 10 years it's going to be the only currency that exists. There's going to be at least a few people who die and they're like... worth 100 million dollars. They didn't spend any of it.

Deshaun Watson does not have it in him to actually sit out games to force a trade

I don't think [Deshaun Watson] has it in him, though. I really don't. I just think he wants to play football.

The PLL and MLL merger is a monumental moment in lacrosse history

I think that this is actually probably like a huge moment in the lacrosse history. This is like when the NFL and AFL merged.

JJ Watt's heartfelt apology to Deshaun Watson was staged for the cameras

My Hot Seat is the Texans camera crew... JJ Watt and Deshaun Watson were sharing a heartfelt moment of JJ Watt apologizing to Deshaun Watson and he said, 'I'm sorry we wasted a season for you.' And a fucking camera guy caught it... he's got to be pretty embarrassed about that because that's something that, you know, between teammates... or else everyone's going to know what a great dude you are.

UConn is the real 2020 National Champion for opting out of the season

My Hot Seat is Alabama and Ohio State. They're playing in the national championship on Monday, but they aren't the national champions... the University of Connecticut, because they were the first football subdivision team to squarely face the coronavirus and decided against playing a single snap during a raging pandemic, should be our 2020-21 national champ. They are the real champions.

The 'COVID issues' at Ohio State are just a cover for Justin Fields' bruised ribs

Stay woke: they have COVID issues [at Ohio State]. Does it happen to be somewhere around Justin Fields' ribs? ... An extra week would help those bruised ribs. So I would say in terms of a punctured lung, calling it a rib issue... I feel like it would help.

Going to a strip club on Sunday is just bad decision making regardless of COVID protocols

Going to a strip club on Sunday is just in general, not a smart idea. Sunday's not a good strip club day... a smart quarterback in my book would either go Monday for $5 buckets or you go on Thursday for the lunch steak and shrimp combo.

Outside beer season is the best beer season

Outdoor beers. It's outdoor beer season. When it's snowing outside, when it's cold, you don't have to take up space in your refrigerator, you leave the beers outside. It's God's refrigerator. You crack open a beer directly from your porch and it tastes colder than it does on the fridge. It's the best season of all.

Jake Paul is a fraud and is scared to fight me

He is scared to fight you. That's what I heard. That's not a rumor. That's a fact. He texted Billy and it was like, I'm scared. Anyway. One step closer to me beat his ass. She's a fraud.

Twitter's decision to discontinue Periscope is a mistake

Hot Seat Periscope. It's been discontinued in March. The Twitter made the decision to, it's going to be Twitter live. So the memories that the Cat caves there. Twitter does that. They choose the wrong thing to do and do it more than any company that's ever existed.

Coach K will pull Duke from the season if they continue to lose bad games

I would not be surprised at all if after, like, a month and a few more bad losses, Coach K pulled his team from the season... once he gets a little losing streak going, he is definitely liable to be like, listen, we're not going to go through the motions. The most important thing is keeping these kids healthy.

Getting benched is the best thing that ever happened to Carson Wentz

I actually think Carson Wentz getting benched was the greatest thing that's ever happened to Carson Wentz. Dude, he's going to get paid to not play football. And he's really bad. So now he doesn't have to be really bad every week. I'm sure he dreaded playing football.

Bill Walton's commentary only works at 11:00 PM; he is 'exposed' during daytime games

The problem is it's in the middle of the day. Bill Walton is exposed when he's in the middle of the day. It's usually 11 o'clock at night... and it's pretty much just you and Bill Walton. Right now, the whole world's kind of watching because it's sports during the day... we've got to get him off of this daytime slot.

RG3 will definitely get injured during his start for the Ravens against the Steelers

RG3, we talked about this before the show. RG3 is absolutely going to get injured. I hope that he doesn't. But, I mean, I've never been so confident.

Fraser Fir is the only acceptable Christmas tree; do not buy Douglas Fir or Spruce

Bottom line is get yourself a Fraser fir. Don't go for Douglas fir. Don't let them talk you into a fucking spruce. Worst of all, go with a Fraser fir as a former Christmas tree salesman, I can tell you. Actually, no one's ever a former Christmas tree salesman. For life.

The Washington Football Team pass defense is not actually number one in the NFL

The going from one to five when you say we're number one hurts. [PFT: Out of 32.] Yeah, I know, but that's not number one. It is good, but it's not number one.

I will be addicted to Twitter Fleets within a month

We're actually really going to like fleets. I'm guaranteeing. Give me a month. I'll be addicted to fleets.

The 76ers new City Edition jerseys are the worst of all time

My hot seat have a few first one is the 76ers. They released the ugliest probably the worst Jersey reveal of all time the NBA yesterday. They like had new City theme jerseys that are just disgusting... objectively ugly uniforms.

John Rahm's viral skipping shot at the Masters might be doctored

John Rahm hit a shot that walked on water at Augusta... I think that the Masters needs some more Buzz around it because it's not being held at the traditional time. I think that maybe there might be some monkey business afoot here somebody who's better at the internet than me look at the footage and tell me if you think that it's doctored at all.

Never trust meat made from plant proteins

My hot seat is McDonald's they're releasing a McPlant... never trust a man made a plant proteins.

The Warriors' 'Oakland Forever' jerseys are total bullshit since they left town

They released jerseys for this year that say Oakland on them... It's like the Oakland forever jerseys and it got Warriors fans really mad because they left Oakland. Apparently there's like a lawsuit going on... it's messed up that they did that.

Heat Wave's bloodline produces the most delicious cattle of all time

You would know that the most tasty cow of all time is Heat Wave and Heat Wave's bloodline lives on to this very day. And if you buy a direct descendant you from the Heat Wave, the most Billy cow of all.

Stephen A. Smith refusing to mock the Cowboys is the meanest thing you can do to a fan

By saying this, this is the most he could ever make fun of... saying you're not even worthy to be made fun of, I feel so bad for you... I'm taking away the very last smidge of relevancy that you have is me making fun of you when you lose. This is the meanest thing that we could ever do to you.

Humans are more effective and cheaper than robots for retail inventory

Walmart has stopped using robots to do inventory because they realize that humans were actually just as effective and cheaper. So cool throne humans were cheaper than robots.

It is incorrect to claim that shaming the Cowboys for not defending Andy Dalton is 'toxic masculinity'

There was a guy from Pro Football Focus who said that in my humble opinion attacking the Cowboys for not going after [Jon] Bostic who by any means wasn't a threat to Dalton anymore is toxic masculinity at its peak... meanwhile every person that's ever played football has responded and been like this is this is incorrect.

Joe Buck did nothing wrong with his flyover comments

Recurring guest Joe Buck... our good friend... he's on the hot seat because some rat from the Fox Sports production crew leaked audio of Joe Buck and Troy Aikman talking about the flyover and how it's like a waste of jet fuel... he didn't say anything wrong, right?

Clayton Kershaw is the greatest postseason pitcher of all time

Clayton Kershaw has the most wins in my book of any starter in the last 25 years since the wild card came around. So yeah, he's he might be the best postseason pitcher out there of all time.

The 'Doggface' Fleetwood Mac cranberry juice video was a corporate plant

I think that he is Probably a plant. I think that this is mostly done... a combo stunt done by Fleetwood Mac and Gary Graham berry juice—big cranberry—and the fact that he has not been canceled that tells me that tattoo on the Subspace. Probably not real. He's probably an actor.

LeBron James is the second-best player to be born in Akron, Ohio

[LeBron] is the second best player to be born in Akron, Ohio behind Steph Curry, correct? That's our compliments of LeBron.

Doc Rivers will never be able to successfully ditch his nickname for 'Glenn'

He is going to get rid of the Doc Rivers nickname and just go by Glenn and somehow he thinks that that's just going to happen. Yeah, that doesn't happen. You don't go from a Doc to a Glenn because of anything.

Asteroids are frauds and won't actually hit Earth

Asteroids do something, they're all talk no walk... Asteroids you're on my shit list and you're frauds. If it shows up to Earth it will probably fuck me up but you're frauds.

Lavar Ball needs to be put on a boat and pushed out to sea so he doesn't ruin LaMelo's career

Lavar Ball is on the hot seat. LaMelo basically has to convince teams to just drown him out. They just have to put him on a medium-sized yacht, push him out to sea, no Wi-Fi, and just send him out until it's an appropriate time where he can't ruin your career.

The New York Jets head coaching job is the worst job in America

I think it's probably the worst job in America right now, coaching the New York Jets. I'm taking my name out of the hat unless I could just do it but not do it... I'll do it under the condition that I get to coach from the booth and I'm not showing up to work.

Odell Beckham Jr. will be criticized for video game streaming as soon as he misses a route

Odell, he started a video game stream. He isn't in the hot seat yet, but as soon as he does anything, you know, mess up on the field, everyone is going to be like: 'you should have been in your playbook and not playing video games.'

Zendaya's Emmy win was not a 'biggest upset' because fans were happy about it

She won the Emmy for best actress and the New York Post wrote an article and it said biggest upset in Emmys 2020 over Jennifer Aniston and more... Zendaya stands were all very upset because they're like no one's upset about this like this. No one's upset. Like this is a great thing.

The San Francisco 49ers are officially a cursed team this season

My hot seat is the San Francisco 49ers. They have injuries now... Jimmy G, George Kittle, Raheem Mostert, Tevin Coleman... their MRI truck broke down... Shanahan got fined... They are in Final Destination the snake bitten Team of the Year. They're not they're not hurt or injured. I think they're cursed.

I am betting on the Jets because Adam Gase said they are in 'hyperdrive'

My hot seats is the Indianapolis Colts because we're playing the Jets this week and Adam Gase said quote 'it's time to put this thing in hyperdrive.' Okay. So watch out Colts and Jets might score 12 points hyperdrive... I'm gonna have to bet on the Jets this weekend.

Costco's co-founder threatened to kill the CEO to keep the hot dog price at $1.50

The Costco co-founder... got mad at the CEO of Costco said, 'Hey, we're losing money on our dollar fifty hot dog deal. I think you got change it up' and the co-founder of Costco's like 'If you change that deal, I'll kill you.'

Aaron Rodgers will shave his beard into an ironic waxed mustache by Week 10

I have a prediction to make about Aaron Rodgers facial hair this year. So he's growing out the big hipster beard... at least by week 10 or 11, he's going to shave it into an ironic mustache. I even think he might do the curly cues. Yeah the cowboy he's gonna do the waxing thing at the end.

Alvin Kamara appearing on the trading block is the worst possible news for fantasy owners

Anyone who drafted early for fantasy and took Alvin Kamara. Yep. He is on the trading block now, which is I mean a lot of people probably took them in there with their first pick first round. That's like the worst thing you can see is the trading block.

I started an OnlyFans for my feet called Billy Feetball

I actually have a confession to make. I have an OnlyFans. Ever since I wore my toe shoes, people actually started DMing me asking me for feet pics. They were offering money and I actually set one up. It's Billy Feetball. I've been making... around under $1000 but over... I've made $800 around there.

Bryson DeChambeau lied about his dog to get internet clout

Bryson DeChambeau got him Duffy big time in a massive massive internet controversy. He took a picture with their golden retriever, Trigger is a name of this dog. And he said this dog Trigger was here and helped me win the amateur open back in 2015. Well record scratch, it turns out the Trigger, the sweet boy, was born in 2017. So Bryson got him tied up trying to chase them internet clout like a dog chasing his tail. Got caught big time.

Chris Webber is a terrible announcer

Chris Webber is a terrible announcer and he's getting exposed because he's been calling it feels like the important game every single night and holy shit does he suck. Chris Webber is the Michael Scott? Sometimes I start a sentence and I don't even know where it's going. It's hard to trend as an announcer two nights in a row without saying anything actually controversial... he's just trending because he's bad.

History suggests Joe Judge's 'hard-ass' coaching style might not work for the Giants

Joe judges, he is going full interim head coach right now and I hope it works just because I want to see Joe judge in the league if he's doing hilarious stuff like this from day one. I hope it works out but history tells us it might not.

Big Ten football is officially back

My cool throne is Big Ten football because Big Ten football is back. Totally. It's officially back Surya sir. Yacht who is her? Yacht. He doesn't have a random dude on Twitter who last I got tagged me one of his tweets and he was like sort my sources are telling me that the Big Ten football season like schools are very upset Big 10 football season still is back on.

The 5-overtime NHL game was caused by bad ice in Toronto

I personally blame the blame the ice in Toronto for the 5:00 overtime game.

Crutches are useless because they hurt your armpits more than your foot

I'm putting a man named... Emil Schlick in 1917. He invented the crutch and I'm saying the crutch is useless. It is my armpits are more sore than my foot.

If you don't like Nickelback, you are a sheeple

Cool throne Nickelback. If you don't like Nickelback your sheeple.