Takes

Millennials are saving the frozen food industry

Frozen food is also back. So a lot of people bash us millennials and say we're only good for avocados and things of that nature. But it turns out that millennials are saving the frozen food industry.

Every crime drama can be successful with just interviews and aerial drone shots

We need to do a crime drama because essentially all you have to do is interview a couple like FBI or ATF guys and then mix in a shitload of drone shots of where, around where it happened. Like, Making a Murderer, it was just half drone shots. Evil genius, half drone shots.

Albert Pujols is the best Angel of all time

3,000 hit club, Albert Pujols, Los Angeles Angels. Probably the best angel of all time, right? [PFT:] Angel for life. [Big Cat:] Move on. Best angel going into Cooperstown with that halo.

If you sue someone for steroid accusations, it proves you didn't do them

I think Albert Pujols like, if you sue the guy for saying you did steroids, then guess what? You didn't do steroids. That's very... Absolutely true.

Every draft grade list should be required to give at least one F

Mel Kiper's grades are so fucking funny. He won't give anyone an F, which is bullshit. Like, if you do grades, you should have to give at least one F. You should have to.

Mel Kiper Jr. is only 1-for-13 all-time at correctly identifying franchise starting quarterbacks

He's like one in 13 all time [on identifying] starting quarterback[s].

I will eat one bite of horse shit if the Capitals beat the Penguins

I think you should have to eat shit if they beat the Penguins. Agreed. Just one bite. I'm not saying... Just one bite. Everyone knows the rules. ... Caps beat the Penguins. We're going to Central Park, and PFT's going to eat some shit. Just one bite.

Andre Iguodala has regressed mightily and is now a washed-up bum

I also am going to put a little tickler file on Andre Iguodala being a washed-up bum. He passed up maybe the most wide-open three-pointer today, and my alerts went off in my brain, like, this guy's a bum now... Iguodala's actually regressed mightily. I'm like, well, guess what? Big Cat saw him pass up that 1-3. He got the bum tag.

Derek Jeter will not last five years as Marlins owner

I'm being told by some other people I know in baseball... We don't think Jeter lasts the five years. We think that the owners and investors have a pressure on him.

Russell Westbrook is LeBron James's motivation for getting triple-doubles

Skip Bayless is basically saying that LeBron James just started to get triple doubles because he saw all the attention that the media was paying to Westbrook, and not because he's really good at basketball or anything.

Patrick Reed hasn't taken off the Green Jacket since he won the Masters

He showed up in the green jacket at the Rockets game. He has not taken it off. Well, yes, you're right. He has not showered. He has not done laundry. That's pure Patrick Reed for you.

Oscar De La Hoya's alleged sex tape is one of the wildest ever

The sex tape features one blonde and one brunette... in one scene, the women are seen performing sex acts on him with kitchen utensils. [A source] said it's one of the wildest sex tapes he's ever watched.

The Timberwolves will upset the Rockets or Warriors if they make the playoffs

I got a take that if the Timberwolves make the playoffs, they're going to upset someone. Either the Rockets or the Warriors.

Getting called 'Big Dog' by a homeless person means you are losing weight

When we get catcalled by homeless people, usually it's 'big guy.' That's usually when you're at your fattest. 'Big dog' is a step below. And then when you get to it, it's just 'tall guy.' So I'm doing okay.

There is a 0% chance the falling Chinese satellite hits me

There's 0% chance the Chinese satellite hits me. Okay. 0% chance. I'm just saying. I'm not scared.

Sergio Garcia will choke in the big moments of The Masters

Sergio, I think this ship has sailed for him. He chokes every time he's in a big moment. It's Tiger. You know, it's a mental thing at this point. The second he hears Tiger sneaking up on him... he's going to melt down.

Shark Week sucks until they show a shark eating a human being

Until they show me a shark eating a human being, I will not watch Shark Week... I still think I saw through the fraud of Shark Week... they told me they found Megalodon and they got me all wet and didn't fuck me.

I believe the guy who claims to be Bill Clinton's son

He's definitely Bill Clinton's son... I've seen the tweets. The story adds up. I've done the research.

This is Tom Izzo's final year coaching at Michigan State

One of my who's backs is, this is Coach Izzo's swan song. I'm just going to say it. This is his final year.

I am officially winning all my bets this year

This is the year I'm going to win all my bets. So it happens every year right before March Madness. I tell myself, give myself a little pep talk, but I think this is going to be the year.

Bet the favorite in the second half if they are losing at halftime

If a favorite is losing in the first half, you just bet the favorite in the second half. That's it. I invented that last year.

You should schedule a vasectomy for the first weekend of the NCAA Tournament so you have an excuse to watch basketball for two days

All the guys know if you need to get your balls cut off, you got to do it that first weekend so you have permission to sit on the couch and watch college basketball for two days nonstop. Yes, you got the frozen peas on your balls.

Scouts will reasonably drop Shaquem Griffin in the draft because he only has one hand

I can't wait for people to get mad when he falls in the draft a little bit. Look, I think he's a good player, and he did well at the Combine, but he does not have one hand. So, like, I think... That's a fair criticism to throw out there. That doesn't mean that he's not going to be a good NFL player, but I think most scouts would probably say, I'd prefer two hands than one.

Kobe Bryant is the GOAT over LeBron and Jordan because he won an Oscar

Kobe Bryant, our supporter, just won an Oscar. MJ and LeBron trash. He's our GOAT. And this proves it. How many Oscars has LeBron and MJ won? That's right. Zero.

John Beilein is one of the best coaches in college basketball

John Beilein's an unbelievable coach. I do not root for Michigan, but John Beilein is one of the best coaches in college basketball. I'm comfortable saying that.

The Philadelphia sports winning streak will end when baseball season starts

I mean, I don't know when this run is going to cease. Probably baseball season. Hopefully. Definitely baseball season.

Justin Thomas is a 'pussy' for having a heckler kicked out

Your day's done. Had him kicked out. Had him kicked out. What a fucking dick. Which just means that hecklers are inside Justin Thomas' head, even though he won... What a little pussy that guy is.

Zaza Pachulia is the biggest threat to the NBA's health because he hurts superstars

The NBA is probably the healthiest league overall when you think about growth. Zaza Pachulia is the one thing that could break it all down because he just hurts people left and right... He hurt Kevin Durant, his own player. He hurt Kawhi, the Spurs... The guy is a menace.

Left-handedness is proof that the human body is not meant to be left-handed

I think that just playing golf left-handed, that just goes to show you that the human body is not meant to be left-handed. They don't make left-handed can openers for a reason, folks.

I'm rooting for Tim Tebow because he makes sports more interesting

I root for Tim Tebow because he makes sports more interesting, but holy shit, will that be a circus [if he plays in the majors].

Tiger Woods getting a 'bad boy' warning from Trump is good for his street cred

Tiger Woods' bad boy status, when other men are saying, watch out for him, it's like Costanza putting on the Yankees jacket. It's like, you got to watch out... getting this back into circulation is good for his street cred. It's great.

I am pretending it is summer and tanning on Tuesdays for my mental health because winter is terrible

I am so fucking sick of winter... I've just decided I'm going to pretend that it's summertime. I'm going to get back into wearing Hawaiian shirts. I'm going to go tanning on Tuesdays. I'm going to just be so far in denial of winter... this is a personal decision for my own mental health.

Kim Jong-un's sister is a 'smoke'

So all the war crimes, all the shit that he does that's terrible... not a big deal because his sister's hot. Everyone was flipping out because Kim Jong-un has a hot sister... his sister's kind of a smoke. His sister's stealing the show. His sister's the Pippa Middleton of the Olympics.

Winter Olympics athletes aren't that impressive; you just have to be born in the right place

The Winter Olympics are definitely the Olympics where you can sit there and if you watch it long enough, you can convince yourself you could have been an athlete in every single sport. It's not hard. It's just essentially like if you were born in a weird European country and they didn't have basketball yet, you would be a speed skater.

Super Bowl commercials are officially overrated

Super Bowl commercials are now, I'm going to throw it in there, overrated. I didn't laugh at a single commercial this year... All the commercials these days are just giant corporations just jerking off talking about the good thing they did.

The NHL is a money laundering operation for Russia

If you were to run the NHL as a money laundering operation, you would not do anything differently than Gary Bettman has done in the last 10 years... I'm guessing it's some sort of a money laundering scheme from Russia. That's the only thing I can come up with.

Tiger Woods will win at least one more Masters

We're now getting the Tiger Woods is going to win at least one more Masters takes. So I think that that means Tiger is like all the way back. When people are actually debating how many more Masters or, you know, championships you're going to win, I think that's exactly where Tiger is back.

George W. Bush is the Josh Allen of presidents

George W. Bush... America loves the guy now. He is back in a bit. He's got he's the Josh Allen of presidents. The longer he goes without playing well, the better he becomes. And the more he goes up people's big boards.

Zion Williamson is basically LeBron Jr.

They landed Zion Williamson, who's basically LeBron Jr., has the craziest mixtapes of him ever.

Zion Williamson has high school explosiveness, not NBA explosiveness

I'm going to squat on a Zion Williamson take. I'm going to say he doesn't have NBA explosiveness. Even though he has like a dunk video where he's just dunking. I'm going to say he has high school explosiveness, not NBA explosiveness.

Freddie Adu is back and American soccer is officially saved

Freddie Adu is back, and therefore U.S. soccer is back... News soon. Oh. Yeah. So he's back. He's the future. He is the future of American soccer. Yeah. He is American soccer.

Tom Brady's mother being from Minnesota will be a massive Super Bowl storyline

Tom Brady's mother is from Minnesota. Wow. That's actually pretty good. Big storyline there. So coming home, kind of, I don't really know where we're going to go with that, but it's going to be good.

The Patriots have a psychological edge over 'bird' teams in Super Bowls

The Patriots have beaten a lot of bird teams in Super Bowls. The Falcons, the Eagles before... Seahawks. Yeah, you never know until you try.

Josh McDaniels and Matt Patricia's imminent departures will be a major Super Bowl distraction

The coordinator's last games. So Josh McDaniels is going to be a head coach of the Colts. Patricia is going to be the head coach of the Lions... this is going to be [a storyline].

Tom Izzo is overrated

Tom Izzo's overrated. Lost at home to Michigan. Can't do that... Tons of talent, and they are wildly underperforming.

Jeff Fisher is the best coach in football

All of [Jeff Fisher's] players are going to the NFC Championship game, and I love it because it just solidifies that Jeff Fisher is the best coach in football.

I will lose 15 pounds and weigh 225 by my birthday

I think I weigh about 240-ish... and I'm going to try to get to like 225 by my birthday. [February]. First, like, seven pounds come off by just me, like, not eating breakfast. So take a big dump, don't eat breakfast, boom.

The Big Ten won the bowl season

The first one is... the Big Ten. Won the bowl season. Many people are saying the Big Ten won the bowl season. Seven and one in bowls. And dominated, just dominated everyone.

The Celtics will win five championships after LeBron James leaves for the Lakers

[Gordon Hayward] is going to beat LeBron, then LeBron's going to leave, go to L.A., and Celtics are going to win, like, five championships.

The Rockets and Celtics will meet in the NBA Finals

Rocket Celtics calling it right now. [Warriors?] No. [The Rockets beat them] in seven.