Takes

Reds fans should defecate in the Toyota Tundra at the stadium to protest the owner

A Reds fan posted yesterday saying... 'I will be scaling the wall to defecate in the bed of the Toyota Tundra.' I just liked that Reds fans are fighting back. This is how you fight... maybe it will make people go shit in their trucks.

The Houston Texans are morons for their draft strategy

It's very funny to me that everyone's spent a year over a year projecting the entire draft and they screwed it up because they forgot that the Houston Texans are morons.

Jordan Davis is a lazy player who takes plays off

He [Jordan Davis] has a fast 40 time, but if he had to run the 40 ten times, his drop-off in times would probably be very [high]... they had video of it in the Alabama game, him taking plays off.

Small dogs like poodles and Australian Shepherds are terrible domestic house dogs

Little dogs are the worst. All these people, they get these little Australian Shepherds that are not good domestic dogs. They are shepherds. And then they get poodles too and different little poodle mixes and they're hunting dogs and they have them running around as though they're like supposed to be nice house dogs, but they are literal hunting dogs.

Trayvon Walker will be a bust

I want to say Trayvon Walker, just because like I'm a traits over production guy and that's what the whole draft is... we haven't seen it on field... What are we doing here? ... I would say if I would pick one bust, it would be him.

You cannot win an NBA championship when your best player is a primary ball-handling guard

I'm not ha—I don't know if I believe it, but I'm ready for it. I might be more of the mindset of like, you can't win a championship when your best player is a guard. Yeah. Like is a primary ball handler. Yeah. But then the Golden State Warriors might fuck me up on that one a little bit.

I could beat DK Metcalf in a five-yard dash

I was actually talking to Billy earlier about this. You think I could be DK [Metcalf] to five yard dash? ... You guys don't know how sprinting works... I can just take a step. Yeah. That's your steps as well. You guys don't know how sprinting works.

Harry Kane is not a threat to score if he is outside the six-yard line

Harry Kane? If he has the ball outside the six-yard line, he's not going to score, not a threat... outside of the six, not a danger.

Kevin Durant is the smartest athlete of all time

Kevin Durant fucking smartest athlete of all time... I don't think I've ever switched from not liking an athlete to loving an athlete harder than I have with Kevin Durant.

Dipping pizza in soy sauce is life

Dipping pizza in soy sauce. Oh, life... It just adds some saltiness to it. I thought it was a great idea.

The best way to make new friends in your thirties is to try to blow them

Just to put a button on it, try and blow them... Try blowing dudes. And you'll be blessed.

Jacob deGrom is the best starting pitcher to ever play the game

I think [Jacob deGrom] is the best starting pitcher to ever put on the uniform... just what he's able to do with the baseball... it's just, I think he's in his own league. And I hope he stays healthy for another 15 years because if he can do that, I think it'll be the best ever.

John Sterling's botched home run calls are so bad he should consider retiring

Stanton hit a bomb, but not deep enough... 'high, far, gone, but caught' is what the call was. Hilarious. Like just a funny clip on the other end. Yankee fans... not exactly the clip you would put on a hypothetical resume. Right? Some people saying he needs to hang them up... His eyes are shot.

LeBron James is a coach killer who has gotten six coaches fired

LeBron has been freed of another coach... LeBron has gotten six coaches fired in his career... I don't know why we don't talk about LeBron James as a coach killer more because Frank Vogel got overall raw deal.

Max Homa should turn in his tour card after his performance at the Masters

We did positive vibes only, but now we can speak honestly, the way [Max Homa] played after he made the cut was disgusting. And he should probably turn in his tour card.

The object in the Alaska sky was a UFO shot out of the sky by the government

Many are saying that it might've been a UFO that was shot out of the street that they don't want us to know about. But the government is saying it was just a contrail. I think it has a lot to do with it. Something's going on.

LeBron James is noble for missing the playoffs to give young NBA stars the spotlight

LeBron decided that now was the time to step away from the game and put the spotlight on some up and coming players that might not be able to get that much attention if LeBron was still around dominating the conversation.

I will continue to keep the same 'negative' energy about LeBron James as he requested

My who's back is LeBron... his tweets coming back and everyone's retweeting it... 'keep that same narrative energy when it begins'... And we are keeping that same energy. He asked me to... far be it for me to disobey one of LeBron James' orders.

Duke might not be a 'Blue Blood' program without Coach K

Is Duke a blue blood? Are they a program that had one good coach? I'm talking about Vic Bubas who... went to the Final Four. Take away the Coach K era, what has Duke done?

Coach K's career would be a disappointment if it ends with a loss to UNC

The perfect ending would be if [Coach K] were to lose against his arch rival, UNC. You'd have to say his career would be a disappointment if it ended—legacy tarnished.

Soccer is a joke because games are decided by penalty kicks with lasers in players' faces

I said that soccer is a joke. Like the fact that your spot at the World Cup is determined by a fucking penalty kick with laser beams getting shot in your face is a joke.

The Will Smith slap of Chris Rock was fake because Will Smith taught a kid how to fake slap a month prior

There's a video out of will Smith a month ago, teaching a kid how to fake slap. I don't know if you guys see this on TMZ... I'm just saying, you know, it looks like a guy who's been practicing slapping.

The Will Smith slap at the Oscars was a fake, staged event

When Chris Rock took the slap, he watched Will Smith walk up to him... the whole time Chris Rock has hands behind his back. And when he got slapped, you know, he was just totally open... honestly, I fall for a lot of fake stuff on the internet. And this is one of those ones where I'm just like fake.

Gonzaga is never going to win a national championship

Gonzaga is like, does I don't there'll be back. I'm sure they have great recruits and everything, but damn, that's a [loss]. That's never going to get to a final four [again].

Patrick Mahomes' productivity will drop significantly without Tyreek Hill

I honestly think Patrick Mahomes' productivity is going to go way down without Tyreek Hill and Tyreek Hill would've done way better with Zach Wilson. Well, think about how many times Tyreek Hill bailed out a bad pass by Patrick Mahomes.

Duncan Robinson is a 'pussy' for not getting involved in the Heat bench fight

Friend of the program, Duncan Robinson, when the Miami Heat were all fighting each other, he like backed off and didn't do anything kind of like a little bit of a pussy... I think like when there's a fight going on, you should probably in some way [help].

Every pro athlete should be allowed to beat up one fan per year

If we just had my rule of every single player in every sport gets to pick out one fan a year and peat every living shit out of him, sports would be more fun.

The NCAA rigged the Duke vs. Michigan State game for Coach K

I think the fix was in. NCAA rigged. I think that Tom Izzo and Coach K... Coach K has three friends, one the sports information director at Duke that keeps all of the bodies buried in the right locations... Jim Boeheim... and Tom Izzo. They're like the Big Three.

The Rams are throwing money away by signing Matthew Stafford to a massive extension

Stafford resigned... You'll never win one enough. No, it's throwing money away. I don't know what the Rams are doing with their cap right now. Like they don't have any draft picks... I don't see this working out in terms of a cogent team building strategy.

John Calipari is officially on the hot seat

March madness, recap of day one biggest story, Kentucky, John Calipari, officially on the hot seat.

Houston is a 'fraud' that schedules weak opponents

I hate Houston... I've been calling Houston a fraud for two years. They went to the Final Four last year playing nothing but double digit seeds... They scheduled like a D3 team... Houston loads up on wins on shitty schools.

Tom Brady un-retired because he didn't want to share his Hall of Fame induction with Ben Roethlisberger

Tom Brady saw the writing on the wall. He's like, five years now. I don't want to get my [Hall of Fame] ceremony cut by big Ben [Roethlisberger]. So I'll just cuck the kids and stuff.

Tennessee got screwed as a 3 seed and should have been a 2 seed

I think that Tennessee got fucked too. They did. Tennessee got dry fucked. Her three seed. They should have been at two seed should have been one of the top two seeds, in my opinion, duke fucked duke. Yes. Duke, fuck Tennessee. Tennessee should have that two seat.

Amari Cooper is perpetually not as good as his hype

Amari Cooper is firmly in my mind, a guy who like just is perpetually, not as good as his hype. He's a guy who you will forever want to be a clear cut number one. And he will never be that. So you know what I'm saying? Like, you're always wanting Amari Cooper to be the guy. And I don't think he ever will be the guy. I mean, CD lamb's better than him.

Texas A&M should have been in the NCAA Tournament field

I thought that Texas A&M, you know, should have been in the field. I thought the committee did a really, really good job. But I think when you look at what they've done did the last couple of days... having neutral site wins against teams, the caliber over in Arkansas and an Auburn compared to everything else. I thought it was pretty impressive.

Malik Willis is a hybrid of Josh Allen and Lamar Jackson

I think Malik Willis is going to have a really good NFL career... I think he's what they advertise him as he's Josh Allen and Lamar Jackson hybrid.

I am the biggest Carson Wentz super fan in the world right now

I've reached this point in my bargaining stage where I think I'm the biggest Carson Wentz super fan in the world right now. I've had some time to think it through logically... Carson Wentz's ceiling is better than any quarterback in that division. Now, all we have to do is to get him to play at his ceiling on an average basis.

Aaron Rodgers' new contract with the Packers is a bust if he doesn't win three of the next four Super Bowls

I think that if Aaron Rogers doesn't win three out of the four next Superbowl's, this contract is kind of a bust. If it is, if it is 50 million, if he is the highest paid player in the history of the NFL... you would assume that the highest paid player ever would also be a player capable of leading you to dynasty.

Coach K’s legacy is shot because he lost his last game at Cameron Indoor to UNC

Give me your thoughts, so real on the game because you have to admit like [Coach K's] legacy is completely shot now. That's what everyone's going to remember about Coach K is [the loss].

Aaron Rodgers is officially retiring from the NFL

My arch nemesis, Aaron Nagler... he actually told me breaking news that Aaron Rodgers is going to retire... he was actually crying when he told me it. So I had to like console him. He cried on my shoulder. He's like, Aaron Rodgers is going to retire. I was like, dude, I'm sorry. That's really, really tough.

Zion Williamson is a better player when he is fat

I'm going to say something controversial. I think that Zion Williamson is a better player when he's fat. I want him to get fat. Well, in fact, well he D he doesn't play right now. He's a better players to get fatter. Yeah. He just needs to get so fat that they roll them out there.

Derek Jeter sabotaged the Marlins on purpose

I, you know what I agree with Marlins man. Yeah. I think Jeter fucked up the Marlins on purpose.

Tom Izzo is overrated

I picked a really bad time to unearth the Tom Izzo is overrated thing.

Drew Timmy is soft because his shoulders are too small

I think [Drew Timmy's] shoulders are too small. They sink down a little bit. They're too small. He doesn't have—you can't play in the low post without man shoulders. He's got like Reggie Miller shoulders. They're two slender.

I can break Vegas with a specific March Madness hedging spreadsheet

I'm thinking I'm going to take all the favorites from the first round and bet all of them to win the whole thing as a future. And then bet the money line on all of the underdogs so that the money lines pays all the future bets.

MLB will realize people don't miss baseball as much as they think if the lockout continues

If baseball doesn't start the season and play a full season, they're going to learn very quickly that they miscalculated the world's need for baseball. I wouldn't notice fully until like late June and be like, where the fuck is my baseball?

People under five foot nine should not be allowed to lead countries

If you're five foot nine or less, you should not be in charge of a country. I will fully admit my people [short people] have a deficiency and that's like, we like to try to take over the world to prove everyone... we should not be allowed within 50 miles of a nuclear missile.

Tom Izzo is an overrated coach

I'm finally being vindicated on my take I've been squatting on for six years... about Tom Izzo. If you're saying he's an all-time great, he's definitely overrated. If you want to be considered one of the best coaches, you have to win a second championship.

I'd rather have 11 Mitchell Trubiskys playing every position than Carson Wentz at quarterback

I saw that the Washington Commanders were targeting Carson Wentz as their quarterback. I would rather literally have 11 Mitchell Trubiskys playing every position than Carson Wentz at quarterback.

The Juwan Howard incident was great for college basketball

I'm smashing the good for college basketball button. Of course it is awesome for college basketball... Rivalries in college sports where it's always on the cusp of turning violent. That's just good for the sport and nothing bad happened.