Takes

Chris Sale is a psycho, partly because his best friend is 13 years old

And also Chris Sale is kind of a psycho. Yeah. He's a little bit of a psycho. I think the biggest story out of all this is Chris Sale is kind of a psycho because it's not just the jerseys. It's that he also has a best friend that's 13 [Drake LaRoche].

The 'Mystery Team' in MLB trades is always just a fabrication by agents

The mystery team... could be anybody. It's a made-up team from the mouth of your agent just trying to work you up. The mystery team never gets their guy.

The 2016 Cubs have all the key ingredients to win the World Series

I think that everything is in place right now for them to do very well. Without a doubt, they're going to be the team to beat. I think they have the key ingredients is how well and how they can handle that stage... hopefully this is the time.

I can't believe Joe West is still an active MLB umpire

I can't believe that [Joe West] is still an umpire. You know, I know at some point you retire, everybody retires. I'm still amazed that he can still see the ball... because your legs go and then your eyes go.

Ken Griffey Jr. likely used performance enhancers given his weight gain

1989 was his debut. He weighed 195 pounds. Late 90s, he was listed at 205. 2004, I dug it up. He was listed at 215. And then when he retired, he was listed at 230. So over the course of 20 years... he gained 35 pounds. Hmm. Just saying.

If Giancarlo Stanton's home run derby balls were people's heads, he'd be arrested for mass murder

If all those balls that Giancarlo Stanton had been hitting in the home run derby were actually people's heads, he would be arrested for murder. Mass murder. He'd basically be worse than Jeffrey Dahmer.

MLB teams should be limited to 30 fastballs per game

I think teams should only get 30 fastballs a game. ... The art of pitching, the finesse of pitching, Greg Maddux, come on. I mean, he wasn't throwing 105 miles an hour.

Every MLB rotation should be required to have a knuckleballer

I would go along those same lines and say that every team has to have a knuckleball pitcher in the starting lineup. ... In the rotation somewhere.

Zack Hample Belongs In A Garbage Can

First name Marlins, last name Man, I'll stuff Zack Hample in a garbage can.

Zack Hample Is Jeffrey Maier With A Blog

Zack you a joke, I'll put you down like a dog. You Jeffrey Maier with a blog.

Zack Hample Is A USA-Hating Trespassing Traitor

You a USA hater, trespassing traitor. Meet me in the streets you law violator.

Marlins Man's Mouth Is Always Behind The Plate

Problem is your mouth always behind the plate.

The MLB All-Star Game should either decide home field with no fan vote, or be a meaningless exhibition, but the current middle ground is the worst of both worlds

I actually don't hate that the all-star game decides this. I hate that they're kind of stuck in the middle. So if you're going to have the All-Star game decide where the World Series starts every year, eliminate the fan vote, and treat it like a real game.

The MLB All-Star Game is the best All-Star game in sports

I do think the mlb all-star game is by far the best all-star game there is it's not really close.

The MLB All-Star Game should include an inning where position players pitch and pitchers play positions

The seventh inning is the position player pitching inning. Yes. And put your pitchers at position players. Mix it up a little.

The Cubs will win the National League and the Blue Jays will win the American League

I like the Cubs still. I do like the Cubs... AL, I like the Blue Jays. I do like the Blue Jays, yeah... they had a little experience. They got some guys in the bullpen, pretty good starting staff, and a lineup's a joke.

The Cubs will trade for a relief pitcher and it will cost them a significant asset

The Cubs probably need to get a reliever. Maybe the Schwarber for Andrew Miller thing happens... I'm pretty certain they're going to add an arm in the bullpen, and it's going to take a lot to get one of those guys.

It is acceptable for elite pitchers like Jake Arrieta to skip the All-Star game to stay fresh for the second half

He's locked 350-plus innings in the last year and a half. So, I mean, if the guy [Jake Arrieta] doesn't want to pitch in the All-Star game and take an extra two weeks to be fresh, I think that's okay.

Giancarlo Stanton will suffer a massive slump after winning the Home Run Derby

Thoughts and prayers for Giancarlo Stanton's swing. He won the home run derby. So everyone knows here comes the slump. You can't win the home run... sorry, man. You're going to have a really bad second half.

Home Run Derby participants always screw up their swings in the second half of the season

My other favorite part about the Home Run Derby is predicting which one of the participants the Home Run Derby is going to screw up their swing in the second half. Whoever wins.

I'm betting heavy on Wil Myers to win the Home Run Derby because he spells his name with one 'L'

I'm going heavy on Wil Myers. He is listed at plus 600. The guy is all about winning. And it's so efficient. You know how much time he saves in his life by spelling his name W-I-L instead of W-I-L-L?

Giancarlo Stanton will win the 2016 Home Run Derby

I have the artist formerly known as Mike Stanton... ooh, plus 365, the favorite.

Carlos Zambrano would win a Home Run Derby between the best-hitting MLB pitchers

I think it might be Carlos Zambrano that might win that one [a pitchers home run derby]. It'd be close between MadBum [Madison Bumgarner] and Zambrano, but I didn't want you to hit Zambrano... He's broken more bats than any man I've ever seen.

The Chicago Cubs will win the 2016 World Series

If you were to pick the World Series right now, it sounds like the Cubs. Would you say the Cubs right now or somebody else? Yeah, I would say the Cubs.

The Cleveland Indians won't win the World Series because the city isn't allowed to win two titles in a row

It's definitely not going to be the Indians because Cleveland can't win two things in a row. It can never happen. And if it does happen, they're going to become the new Boston and everybody's going to hate them.

I am the reason for the flat-brim hat trend in baseball

I live in Scottsdale, Arizona, and I see all these Little Leaguers wear 8-1-8 hats, so I feel like I'm the reason for that. So, you know, I'm definitely taking silent credit for changing the game, changing the hat-fitted game.

You can't catch home runs when you sit in the first row behind home plate like Marlins Man

If he wants to talk it out and have lunch... I would even go to a game with him. But I don't want to sit in the legend seats at Yankee Stadium because you can't catch a home run when you're sitting in the first row behind home plate. Of course not. I would gladly help Marlins man catch a baseball game.

The Cubs are going to beat the Mets on Friday night

I also will be at the Mets-Cubs game on Friday night... The Cubs are going to win.

Clayton Kershaw loses his man card for getting an epidural

I saw that Clayton Kershaw had an epidural. So I'm going to take his man card. Yeah, chicks get epidurals. Right. I don't even know what – I had to ask you before the show what exactly is an epidural because I thought it was something to do with childbirth, which it is. But I guess Clayton Kershaw – is Clayton Kershaw pregnant?

Madison Bumgarner is a manlier pitcher than Clayton Kershaw because he DHs for himself

Madison Bumgarner is DHing for himself. That's actually one of the coolest things I've seen in a while... Madison Bumgarner now is not only a man, but he has Clayton Kershaw's manhood as well.

Tommy Lasorda was about to die but his life has been saved through prayer

There's one more. That's about to go, actually... It's Tommy Lasorda. but we may have intercepted here okay we may have... I think that we've already done that.

Yankee fans are the most knowledgeable in baseball, but Cleveland and New York are tied for fanaticism

I think number one in terms of knowledge would be Yankee fans... I think I would give a tie in terms of just overall fanaticism between Cleveland and New York. The reason why I say Cleveland is because I played there basically four years, and we sold out every game. And Cleveland's weather is terrible... they're showing up.

George Steinbrenner was the greatest owner in sports history

Best owner ever. I had the utmost respect because I don't think I've ever seen an owner that wants to win as much as George Steinbrenner wanted to win. Like, literally, we played 162 games. I really think that he wanted us to win 162 games, like not one loss.

Derek Jeter did the best job of keeping his private life out of the tabloids while playing in New York

It's actually unbelievable when you think about it how long [Jeter] played in New York and there never was any story... Ain't nobody done it better than him.

Calling a World Series at Wrigley Field for the Cubs would be the highlight of my career

Doing a World Series at Wrigley Field for the Cubs would be the highlight of my career. And I own it. I wear it. I believe it. And I think it would be the biggest sports story of any of our lifetimes if that were to come to pass this year, next year, whenever.

Ichiro's hits in Japan should not count toward his career total vs. Pete Rose

Sabermetrically speaking, do hits in Japan count the same as Major League Baseball hits? I would say no... Those hits don't count in the United States. Neither should Ichiro's.

If a team does a hidden ball trick in Little League, you should head hunt the next batter

Hidden ball tricks is fucking bullshit. Especially in Little League... I think you need to put the ball in an ear hole if the other team tries to do the hidden ball trick in a Little League game.

The St. Louis Cardinals 'statement loss' is a ridiculous spin by a losing team

My favorite team in Major League Baseball, St. Louis Cardinals, they had a statement loss against my actual favorite team, the Cubs, on Wednesday. They showed determination and grit, that's a quote, when they lost to the Cubs. Colton Wong said, 'I think we still made a statement in the loss.' In the loss? Don't let the Cardinals get too hot with all these statement losses they're throwing out there.

The Mets should ban the media from reporting Matt Harvey's ERA

The Mets need to send out a release to all the press people saying, you're not allowed to cover our games. You're not getting a credential if you talk about what Matt Harvey's ERA is. So just put a moratorium on bad Matt Harvey talk.

Matt Harvey needs to start partying and doing cocaine to find his form

I also think he needs to party again. He used to be a party boy... I would say either get the Mets to basically make it a rule that no one can say anything bad about you or start doing a bunch of cocaine.

Anyone who supports robot umpires in baseball can go fuck themselves

Anyone who is like pro robots can go fuck themselves... The minute you start letting robots do these kind of tasks is what they're going to take over our lives... I don't need fucking umps telling me balls and strikes. There's some things you need to leave to humans.

Baseball should crowdsource balls and strikes via Twitter polls during games

You could crowdsource it... A pitch happens and then everybody responds on Twitter. Twitter poll. Strike or no? And then 51% carries the day and you get a strike or ball based on that. And then fans can't get mad at it because they only have themselves to blame.

A baseball field is like international waters with no rules

As far as I can tell... a baseball field is like international waters where there are no rules.

You should always throw the first punch against a man named Rougned Odor

Rule of thumb. You always throw the first punch against a guy named Rougned. That's a guy that can't go back. That's a guy that's got nothing to lose right there.

Jose Bautista didn't expect to be punched because real punches never happen in baseball fights

[Bautista] basically was like, I can guarantee that this won't happen because it's never, ever happened. I mean, the last time a true punch was thrown, Michael Barrett and AJ Pierzynski, I mean, it's been a long time. So he banked on that.

The Cubs could win the World Series this year

Do you think the Cubs will ever win a World Series? This could be the year, man. I'm looking forward to the All-Chicago World Series this year. I like that. That would be something special.

Kids do not belong in a Major League clubhouse because it is a professional environment for grown men

Kids are not meant to be in a grown man environment. It's baseball. This is a job. There's things said day in and day out that kids should not hear... there are explosions in the clubhouse. Kids do not need to see that.

If I took steroids, I would have hit at least 70 home runs in a season

If you did take steroids, how many home runs do you think you could have hit in a season? 70. I was going to say 100, but okay. I would say 70. Yeah, because I remember so many balls being hit every year that just really were caught on the wall or hit off the top of the wall.

The 2016 Cubs are the best team in MLB history and will sweep the World Series

I think this might be the best baseball team in the history of Major League Baseball, and I think that there's no chance that anything bad could happen to them this year. Like, they're going to cruise. I think it's going to be four-game sweep in the World Series.

Bryce Harper is a coward for taking intentional walks instead of swinging at pitch-outs

I actually think that Bryce Harper is a coward for not swinging at any of those pitches. Say what you want about Vlad Guerrero, but the guy would take a cut at a pitch out. My question is, if Harper doesn't like it so much, why does he put a stop to it and just take a running start and just groove one of the meatballs that's thrown outside?