Takes

Dirk Koetter is an inherently unmemorable person

Dirk is the guy, you could put me in a chair clockwork orange style and just tape my eyelids open for a day and show me nonstop clips of Dirk Koetter, and I would not remember what he looked like the next day.

The NFL is better when kickers are erratic and unpredictable

We want to see Roberto Aguayo stick around because the NFL is always a better place. When there's a kicker that whenever he lines up, you don't know which way the ball is going to go. Like it might hit the ref in the head and knock him unconscious.

Watching Hard Knocks will lead to drafting a bust running back in your fantasy league

It is also the time of year where you watch Hard Knocks and you fall in love with a guy who's catching everything or the backup running back, and then you draft him in your fantasy league, and he sucks. It's called the Chris Polk.

I would like to pursue coaching if my playing career ends

I'd want to be involved in sports in some way, whether it's coaching, whether it's doing something like that. So I think that'd be my route.

The New England Patriots current jerseys are awful

I'm going to go with the Patriots jersey... No offense, Hank, but I think the Patriots, for being such a great team, have had awful jerseys for the last 20 years.

Canceling an NFL game causes an immediate increase in local crime

When you cancel a game, there's a crime wave that hits the town. There's an increase in evil that we call crime. So unless you want Canton, Ohio to be run over by thugs tonight, you better have that damn kickoff.

Ryan Tannehill is effectively retired because wide receivers cannot return from knee injuries

I'm going to say [Ryan Tannehill] is injured right now because a knee injury is impossible to come back from for a wide receiver.

Colin Kaepernick should change his name to 'Cody' to get signed by an NFL team

I think step one, we say this to a lot of quarterbacks, change your name. Change the first name. Give me a good, solid American name like Cody. Cody Kaepernick. That screams rodeo cowboy.

Colin Kaepernick isn't being signed because his vegan diet makes him physically weak

I think that the reason [Kaepernick] is not being signed is because he's not taking care of his body. He's made up of plant proteins. Not animal proteins, and he's just not as... resilient. I've never seen a plant win a fight.

Odell Beckham Jr. is the best wide receiver in the NFL

I'm saying he's the best wide receiver in football. Odell Beckham, is it really the hair that makes him memorable or is it the fact that he's the best wide receiver in football?

Colin Kaepernick clearly should be signed by an NFL team

To start the offseason, I thought the Colin Kaepernick storyline was bullshit. But now it's kind of like, all right, he's clearly – someone's just – like, he should be signed. They signed two backup quarterbacks that I had never heard of.

NFL critics who claim they stopped watching are actually still watching every Sunday

You know my favorite are the people on Twitter that say, I can no longer morally watch football. You are a fucking liar because I know you're fucking watching the Red Zone from 1 o'clock to 7 o'clock every fucking Sunday. You can't stop watching the NFL. You can't. Like it or not, it's here.

Joe Flacco's back injury will actually benefit Danny Woodhead's usage

I think that's just more touches for [Danny] Woodhead. [Joe Flacco's] going to have a great year, and I'm telling you, this is going to be good for Woodhead.

Magnus Ver Magnussen is the second greatest athlete ever behind only Barry Bonds

I don't think there's ever been an athlete that's better at what they do than Magnus [Ver Magnussen], with maybe the exception of Barry Bonds.

Roger Goodell skipping the Patriots season opener is a sign of disrespect that will lead to another title

Probably when [Roger] Goodell doesn't show up to game one. That's going to be a clear sign of disrespect that [the Patriots] are going to have to avenge by going to the Super Bowl and winning another championship.

Jimmy Garoppolo is essentially Cody Kessler with a better logo

The way I've described him is it's like if you go into a shop and you've got 10 shirts that are exactly the same. It's like buying the one with the Nike logo on it. It's not necessarily a better shirt. It just looks better. [Garoppolo] and Cody Kessler is not a big difference.

Mitchell Trubisky will win at least five Super Bowls

Kian, tell me, as a Bears fan, that Mitch Trubisky is going to be a franchise quarterback and probably win no less than five Super Bowls.

Mitchell Trubisky should start immediately rather than sitting

Normally, you want to sit a rookie quarterback if he needs to fix his footwork or fix his throwing motion... But Trubisky's got good feet. He reacts to pressure well... I would play him so he can learn. He's got good accuracy. He's a good athlete. He's really poised. He can go through reads. And I'd happily take him as a starter.

Aaron Rodgers is the best quarterback in the NFL

Well, I think the obvious one is Aaron Rodgers... [His struggles were because] His wide receivers can't catch the ball. Devontae Adams can't get open. Jordy Nelson couldn't move because he was coming off an ACL tear.

Tom Brady showed signs of regression in the 2016 playoffs despite winning the Super Bowl

The playoffs last year weren't great. I know they won the Super Bowl, they came back, but in the fourth quarter of that Falcons game, if you go through it, he threw the ball to defenders. On the Edelman catch, if you look at where that ball arrives and where he threw it, it was straight to the defender... That's just lucky.

I left the Broncos for the Jaguars primarily to maximize my family's financial security

This game for me is about providing for my family, allowing my daughter to grow with not too many worries. No state income tax down in Florida. Florida, Texas, Tennessee... as a player, you know, we get cut every day... if [fans] had the opportunity to do what I did, they would do the exact same thing.

Paxton Lynch will excel in Mike McCoy's offensive system

I have the new offensive system guy. I saw this with Paxton Lynch. Mike McCoy is in Denver now. So Paxton Lynch, he's really going to excel because Mike McCoy will let him play out of the shotgun.

The Patriots might go undefeated this season

Can the Patriots go undefeated? Okay. A lot of people are saying that. Many people are saying that.

Ryan Tannehill will not be in the MVP conversation

Is this the year that Ryan Tannehill gets to the next level? He's not going to be in the MVP talk. I guarantee you that.

The Tennessee Titans are the 'Dark Horse' team that isn't actually a dark horse

I also have the dark horse team that's not a dark horse team because everyone says it's their dark horse team. The Tennessee Titans. It's the team that just missed the playoffs and has a ton of young talent.

Mike Vick's dog training experience will help him as an NFL coaching intern

There are actually probably some lessons from [Mike Vick's] dog training days that he could directly apply to training athletes. He's going to keep his young quarterbacks on a short leash until they're trustworthy.

Watching football is more dangerous than playing football because of binge drinking

I would even submit that watching football is more dangerous than playing football because when you're watching football, you're binge drinking. You're around buddies. You're more likely to get into a fight. You're more likely to puke, pee on yourself. You get all sorts of diseases from that.

Lucky Whitehead will sign with the Patriots and win a Super Bowl

It's very clear that Lucky Whitehead's probably going to sign with the Patriots and win a Super Bowl ring. And we're all just going to be like, 'What the fuck?' I hope that happens.

Malik Jackson claims the Jaguars will win the Super Bowl this year

Malik Jackson, Super Bowl champion Malik Jackson... two-time Super Bowl champion because he said earlier this week that he's going to win the Super Bowl this year with the Jaguars.

The Seahawks locker room hates Russell Wilson

The Seahawks all hate Russell Wilson. ... It's the worst kept secret in football. If you go back two years ago when they were really, really good and people were saying that the Seahawks' defense doesn't respect him because he's not black enough, at that point you're like, okay, this is a really screwed up locker room.

Mark Trestman was a smart hiring choice for the Chicago Bears

I said that the Bears thought outside the box when hiring Mark Trestman, and it will pay big dividends as they have one of the smartest coaches in the NFL now.

Winning a Super Bowl is more important than making the Hall of Fame

Super Bowl champion. The Hall of Fame is awesome. It's really cool. But I think at the end of the day, you know if you played good or not. I don't think you necessarily need the justification of wearing it.

I've eaten bigger burritos than Ray Rice

I've eaten bigger burritos than him. I mean, obviously, the real one is supposed to say I'm taking it. But that one was thought of ahead of time, but it turned out good.

You can't find a touchdown in a club

You can't find a touchdown in a club. Is that true? Yeah, that's my quote.

Kirk Cousins is the product of a quarterback bubble that will eventually burst

I feel kind of bad for [Cousins] because he is the product of a quarterback bubble that we knew was going to burst eventually where teams just give these contracts out to guys like, are we sure they're good?

Deontay Foreman should become a Second Amendment activist to resolve his PR issues in Texas

This is a very on-brand thing in Texas, to have a gun. Everyone's got a gun in Texas. Just become a huge Second Amendment guy. Deontay Foreman should go into the Houston Chipotle with an AR-15 strapped over your shoulder. ... Then I'm sure you'll get all the NRA people just absolutely 100% having their back.

You can't be one of the best players on a team if you only played three games

I think last year, yeah, I would not – I mean, you only played three games. You can't be one of the best players on the team if you only played three games.

I will never publicly put out statistical goals again

Never put numbers out anymore because then all people do is bring up those numbers and they don't actually watch. I did that one year... and for the rest of that next season and beyond, everybody's like, well, he didn't hit it. And everybody compares you to that.

Aaron Judge's height will eventually drive him toward playing football

With Aaron Judge, the thing about him is he could be the face of baseball. His problem is he's too tall. I'll tell you why. He is a guy that once he starts having a lot of success in a sport that's maybe not as athletic as some other sports, people will be like, why didn't you play football? And then he'll start talking about football. All roads lead back to football.

Aaron Rodgers loves to get angry at other athletes' contracts

This is like the Aaron Rodgers specialty. Aaron Rodgers loves to get pissed off at other quarterbacks' contracts. That's like his thing. I want him to start jumping into other sports too and getting pissed off and be like, hey, I'm a better quarterback than James Harden is a shooting guard. How come I'm not getting paid?

NFL teams should use comedians or bands as opening acts to improve the stadium experience

what is the kind of stuff that, you know, cat can get that he can't get at home? ...putting a band before a game or after a game so that you can infuse a different type of entertainment into a show doesn't hurt either. I mean, you're going to laugh at this, Dan, but how about a comedian to open as an opening act?

Empty seats in NFL stadiums are a bigger embarrassment than 'minor league' promotions

Isn't that interesting that it's beneath them, but the empty seat isn't beneath them? I mean, it's pretty asinine and pretty egotistical. To me, the empty seat would be beneath everything.

Being called 'football smart' is actually an insult meaning you are dumb in every other regard

People come up to me and they say, well, he's football smart. That means that he's, they have no common sense and they're pretty much dumb in every other regards. So yeah, that's not a tag you really want.

The Jaguars will never have the #1 overall pick in franchise history because they aren't even good at being bad

They've never, ever been the worst team in the league by record... If they get only two wins, there's a good chance they'll have the number one overall pick, which will be the first time in Jaguars history that they have the number one overall pick.

Attending an Ivy League school like Princeton hurts a player's NFL draft stock

I think [going to Princeton] hurts. In fact, we had another guy my year at Princeton that got drafted. Ryan Grigson... said, 'I'll never make that mistake again.' You know, I just didn't believe that Princeton could have two dudes the same year. And the other guy was like a total freak show... they didn't even look at me because of that.

The Patriots' winning culture is actually miserable and based on negative reinforcement

Terrible culture. So terrible. When I was there, 05 and 06, most of the guys were pretty miserable. You always feel like you're kind of being watched... It's 100% negative reinforcement. They start every meeting with the five worst plays from the day before. So your whole motivation is to not be on the low light tape and have Belichick cussing you out.

The 'All-Joe Team' is just a list of mediocre white NFL players

It just means you're really shitty and white. For the most part, I believe. I don't know.

Reggie Bush was a bust in the NFL

Reggie Bush, who's been pretty much a bust. So it's Reggie Bush, Lendell White, Vince Young, and Matt Leinart. Wow.

Russell Wilson is at the bottom of NFL coolness

Derek Carr is pretty much a great player, pretty lame dude. Way cooler than Russell Wilson. But to be chirping Russell Wilson and ball-busting Russell Wilson, Russell Wilson is actually at the bottom of NFL players when it comes to coolness.

High school football is officially back in June because grad parties are over

High school football is back. Grad parties are over. Coaches are distributing helmets and shoulder pads. It's June. Mini camps in full effect.