Takes

Hank is officially more famous than I am in our hometown of Scituate

I'm fully 100% aware of it. I actually love it because if a kid's going to just ride this rise to fame like he has – I respect that it's a Scituate guy.

Muhammad Ali and Michael Jordan are the two most popular athletes of all time

I would say Muhammad Ali, most popular athlete of all time. It's probably Muhammad Ali one, Michael Jordan two, and there's not really a third.

The Zika virus is an official threat to the Rio Olympics because of sexual transmission

If you can't get your dick sucked or eat some vagina, there's no point in going to Rio. So Zika is now an official threat to the Olympics. If you're an Olympic athlete and you can't fucking suck your way through Rio, what's the point in going?

If you don't watch a graphic sports injury after a warning, you are the biggest pussy alive

When someone says don't watch because it's too graphic, if you then don't watch, you're the biggest pussy alive... That's just basically saying this is going to be so gross you're going to want to puke, but you have to watch it.

Bullying the horse Nyquist off Twitter is a more impressive achievement than winning the Kentucky Derby

Nyquist the horse is a flash in the pan... No one's going to remember Nyquist the horse. Except for the fact that it got bullied off Twitter. That's actually more impressive than the Kentucky Derby. How many Kentucky Derby winners have there been? Like 120? How many horses have been bullied off Twitter?

The horse Nyquist has AIDS

The horse has AIDS. Right. The first thing I did was... Fuck the horse. Both on Twitter and in real life.

Add 'ha-ha' or 'LOL' to the end of any uncomfortable message to instantly spin the situation

I've always told you... if you just throw a ha-ha or an LOL at the end of every DM or text, you can always be like... 'Oh, I'm in.' It's just, yeah, we're just joking. Just add a ha-ha on everything whenever you get in a bad situation. See if you can just laugh your way out of it.

Gorillas are more valuable than humans because they are the patriarch of human invention

Technically humans, all those things that are invented by humans, humans are invented by gorillas, right? Like evolution. So wouldn't you say that gorillas are more valuable than humans? They're the patriarch of all those things. They're basically God.

The giant alligator on the Florida golf course is fake

I think this is a Kimmel stunt or it's a viral thing for the owners of the golf course. There's no way that thing's real. The alligator was like – its back was about four and a half feet off the ground and it walked like it was two human beings... I think they're trying to play a next level one on us. And 99% sure that alligator is definitely fake.

Wins are like eggs inside of a woman; once you use too many of them, they're gone

I always like to say that wins are like eggs inside of a woman. And once you use too many of them, they're gone and you can't get fertility treatments. Like push-ups, ovums, that type of thing.

Buffalo is the number one city in the Grit Power Rankings

I'm ranking Buffalo number one as well. Simply because of the people, they are the best. There's no one better. They were welcoming. They came to up to the bus. They were awesome.

Buffalo is a top-tier vacation destination

I really feel like Buffalo is right up there with any of your great vacation places like Key West, your Acapulcos... Rio, all of the above. The 24 hours we spent there seems like it was the best time of my life.

Oakland is currently the grittiest city in America

Oakland's pretty damn rough right now, so I'm going to go Oakland.

Taking Viagra and going to Niagara Falls ('Viagra Falls') is a classic comedy gag

It seems like the perfect classic joke. You know, Niagara rhymes with Viagra... So we all take Viagra, we get on the boat, and then we see who the first person is to get rid of their boner without touching it, just like through the power of mental concentration and meditation. That is like a classic comedy gag right there.

Youngstown, Ohio is likely the grittiest city in the world

Youngstown is like the grittiest city in the world, probably. Home of Boom Boom Mancini. Little known fact about Youngstown there for you.

Grit Week participants should only pack underwear and laptops, buying all other clothes daily from thrift stores

Since it's Grit Week, we got to go out there. We got to scrap. We got to hustle for everything that we earn. So every morning, we're going to go to a thrift store, buy our clothes for that day, depending on the weather.

We should buy a shotgun for the van to survive the Indy 500 Coca-Cola lot

We need to figure that out because it might be worthwhile buying a shotgun for the van... [to deal with] bands of marauders going through there? Like Vikings?

Grit has been co-opted and ruined by Harvard researchers and psychologists

I've seen over the past, like two years, the pussification of grit in America. Like grit has been co-opted by Harvard researchers, by doctors, by psychologists... It's people trying to teach grit. People who have like a silver spoon in their mouths, a doctor in front of their name, trying to tell me what it means to be gritty.

Never draw attention to yourself at work or people will find your secrets

In life, never draw attention to yourself because then people start digging. So like if you're at work, you never want to be the guy who does a great job... Just try to be average at all times, because the minute you do something exceptional, people start witch hunting you.

Steph Curry should get a divorce to become likable again because Americans love a broken person

My advice would be get a divorce. Nobody likes the married guy that's having sex with his hot wife all the time. If you're really good at your job, you get a divorce, you get a lot of sympathy from everybody... get everyone on your side immediately.

I would trade four months of being sick with Zika to win a gold medal for my country

Why is it that big of a deal to get the Zika virus if you're going to get a gold medal? I would trade four months of being sick as a dog to win, not win it for myself, but win it for my country. I would shit through a screen door for four months if it meant that my country got a gold medal.

Monogamy is overrated and unrealistic

I happen to think that monogamy is way overrated and unrealistic. And that is a philosophy that I do try to bring into my personal life. And, um, you know, I, I like to keep my options open in general.

Never stay for a third night at a Vegas bachelor party

You want to go for two days like two nights and then fly out of town on the third day. If you stay for the third day, the chance of you dying or getting arrested goes up like 150%.

Don't try to coordinate group activities for a Vegas bachelor party if you have more than six guys

If it's anything more than six guys, don't worry about doing anything together because it just won't happen. Every time I've gone to a Vegas bachelor party, it's been like 15 guys. And there are actually people I don't even know were on the bachelor party because I just never saw them.

Mother's Day on social media is just a contest to see who can love their mom the hardest

The Mother's Day in the social media era is basically who can love their mom the hardest and tweet about loving their mom... It's become a big contest.

Never plead guilty to a crime even if you were caught on video

What lawyer tells his client to ever plead guilty? I've never understood that. ... My legal advice for everybody out there: Just don't plead guilty even if you absolutely did it and you're caught on video. Don't do it.

Dave Portnoy will live to be 120 years old out of pure spite

Dave, everything will say Dave should die, and then he'll probably live to be like 120 because he's a motherfucker. ... He'll complain every single day for the rest of his life to 120, but he'll live to 120.

Millennials are pussies who lack accountability and positivity

I think that he's right that millennials have no sense of positivity when it comes to adversity. If there's one thing I know about millennials is that they don't like it when they're put in a bad situation. Millennials are pussies. Yeah, exactly.

Social media accounts for children should be banned

It's getting to the point in this country where, like, I don't want my children to have social media accounts. I think, like, our country has reached the point where let's just shut it down. Nobody else gets a Twitter account.

You should tip the maid $5 if you stay at a hotel for more than one night

If you stay at a hotel for more than one night, you leave five bucks for the maid. ... Just dump [change] in and it will all even out. If you go to a bar, your first tip is always $2. ... And if you're at a wedding... you hand the guy a $20 bill to start the night.

Doing somersaults cures muscle cramps

My fun fact is that if you get a cramp, doing somersaults gets rid of the cramp. ... I was playing golf with my friends, and he just started doing somersaults. And I was like, why? And he said, it's because you get cramps, and that gets rid of him.

The physics of how planes stay in the air don't actually make sense

I don't understand the physics of planes staying in the air. ... I mean, you're going 30,000 feet in the air and you're just trusting that a plane is just going to coast.

You can only trust the weather in Chicago between July 4th and Labor Day

It's been classic Chicago because three weeks, two weeks ago, it was 80 degrees and beautiful. Now winter is basically back. And like I said, the only time you can trust Chicago weather is like July 4th to Labor Day.

A skinny stick is the perfect tool for retrieving dropped items in a car

Simple, simple invention. Everyone needs it. Just a little skinny stick that you can, like, it, like, would go stick up from the side of your car. And when shit gets stuck in between your seats, just grab the stick and it fishes it right out of there. ... One of those things you don't think you need until you use it once. Car stick.

San Diego is 'fake life' and not real life

San Diego is fake life. It's not real life. There's nothing real about San Diego. There are no fat people. I'm pretty sure no one has a job except if you're in the Navy. It's beautiful every single day. Everyone's just relaxed and like cool. There's no edge.

The best way to get over a hangover is to drink more

My advice, as always, is Pedialyte. Pedialyte tends to work. But most importantly, my advice is to drink a Bloody Mary and then, like, seven beers afterwards. That's what I did this morning. It worked well.

Never plan dinners for a bachelor party

If you're planning a bachelor party, don't plan any dinners. I've never seen a party go from this was fun to just death. You sit down, you eat, and it's just like, okay, now I just want to go to bed.

Big Cat winning the 50-50 raffle would be one of the last great sports stories out there

Big Cat winning the 50-50 raffle is one of the last great sports stories out there. I'm the guy always paying for the 50-50 raffle because I keep telling myself, Oh man, this will be the time I win.

Every person nicknamed Beef in the world is a good time to hang out with

I think every person nicknamed Beef in the world is a good time to hang out with. Now I'm not saying you want them—when Beef comes to visit you, your wife or girlfriend probably rolls her eyes... but Beef is a great time to party with.

Pissing rhabdo-colored urine makes you the best possible teammate

That dark shade of brown that's above clear piss. That's if you have rhabdo. That's when you're actually the best teammate. Sacrificing yourself. When your body is deteriorating, your muscle is deteriorating and you're pissing it out.

I have become a whiz at the computer recently

I've become a wizard at the computer. I really have. I turn it on. I can shut it off. I did something because I'm up at five o'clock in the morning and I bet neither one of you would realize that I have Wi-Fi in this condo.

Jordan Spieth is a classier person than Cam Newton because he handled his loss like a professional

Something about Jordan Spieth makes him more likable to me and classier of a person than Cam Newton. ... To be a true professional, you have to be able to face the music. How long do you think postgame press conferences after a loss get compared to Cam Newton?

The 2016 Warriors would lose a land war in Russia

I got to take Russia, man. ... That's where empires go to die, baby. You cannot take West Russia in the winter. Napoleon knows it. Hitler knows it. ... So Russia's undefeated. I'm taking them.

Power ranking of sports figures: 1. Football Guy, 2. Hockey Lifer, 3. Baseball Man, 4. Basketball Mind

Football guy number one. We got to go hockey lifer number two because that guy's seen some shit. You have to cross the border 20 times a year. He knows all the smuggling tricks. Hockey lifer's number two. Baseball man, number three. And then basketball mind, number four in my book.

I'm just not going to pay my taxes

Probably just not going to do them. [Taxes].

Fireball is an acceptable ballpark drink until September 1st

I like to do airplane minis, like the mini bottles of Fireball... It's kind of like you don't wear white after Labor Day. You don't want to be drinking Fireball after like September 1st. After September 1st, you want to lose the flavored whiskey and get like some Jack Daniels or something because it's about a playoff push. So you got to focus. None of this sugary crap.

Losing a heartbreaker is better than getting blown out because women will console you

I would much rather be on a team that loses by like one point on a half court buzzer beater, because after the game's over, you're a little upset, you're sad, but guess what? There are going to be some chicks around. They're going to want to console you... If you get blown out, like you're even your wife at that point is going to pretend that she doesn't know who you are.

Matt Harvey's bladder infection story will lead to an uptick in SAT scores

What are the long-term ramifications of a big news story about a major league pitcher that doesn't pee enough? And I thought, well, this upcoming SAT season, you're probably going to see a big uptick in the overall scores on SATs because there are going to be a lot more guys that are going to be like, hey, I have to go pee and then go cheat in the bathroom.

Dating an Instagram model with over 20,000 followers is asking to get cheated on

I also say that if you, if you date somebody who on Instagram has over like 20,000 followers, you're pretty much asking to get cheated on too. Because, because in her mind, the only thing that matters to her is taking a picture of something that's going to get a lot of likes.

White people need to take back the word 'thug'

I think that white people need to take back the word thug. There we go. That's something that we got to start hating Tom Izzo and take back the word thug.